NationStates Jolt Archive


San Fran Zoo has X-Rated animal tour

Minoriteeburg
15-02-2006, 20:15
SAN FRANCISCO
Not your mama's 'birds and bees'
The zoo's X-rated animal sex tour is graphic, kinky

It was time for the annual Valentine's Day sex tour at the San Francisco Zoo, but none of the permanent residents got the memo. As human voyeurs learned about the torrid world of amorous beasts, most of the animals barely glanced at each other.

"The wind seems to unnerve them," said Jane Tollini, inventor of the tour that has been copied by zoos throughout North America. "And they had a busy weekend."

They did indeed. Tollini, former penguin keeper at the zoo, led excursions Saturday and Sunday and will do the same this weekend. She came up with the idea 17 years ago.

"I like to watch," Tollini said.

Even though there wasn't much to see on Tuesday, there was plenty to hear about.

"This is the most tacky, tasteless, smutty, down-in-the-gutter tour ever created," Tollini told the 80 or so adults who piled onto two trams and devoted three hours to tales of fornicating felines and hermaphrodite ostriches.

"Animals do everything we do, but they do it a little differently," said Tollini, draped in a pink boa with pink hearts. "The only thing I couldn't find was cross-dressing."

Tollini spent 24 years in the zoo before retiring last year. She's seen bondage, polygamy, group sex, homosexuality, sex with inanimate objects and pedophilia.

Starting off with penises, Tollini moved on to vaginas, including ones "so large you could lose your family and your SUV in them," and to cloacas, those "multipurpose holes" useful for urination, defecation, egg-laying and sex.

Tollini said that cassowaries are the most dangerous animals at the zoo but have "fabulous" sex. The crowd had to take it on faith -- its resident birds, Slash and Hazard, were keeping a low profile.

The black rhinos were similarly uninclined.

"Rhino sex is always violent. It looks like two Jeeps having an argument," she said. "Once copulation begins, they're locked together for well over an hour."

Male rhino Gene has started to favor logs over the aging Miss Elly.

"He takes that big unit out and humps those logs," Tollini said. "But if you get a splinter in there, you'll find out who your friends are."

Former zoo resident Tinkerbelle the elephant had a penchant for 18-wheeler truck tires, and a zebra in the African Savanna is infatuated with Samson the giraffe. Cobby the chimp, meanwhile, is fond of keepers' rubber boots.

"It's his special fetish," Tollini said. "He'll put his finger out and touch the shoe. ... Then he'll play with his nipples, eat bananas and masturbate."

The tram stopped to see Tunya, a lion who can have sex 50 times within 24 hours, in 30-second bouts.

"That's why he's called king of the jungle," Tollini said.

When the tram visited Penguin Island, it seemed particularly timely. The seabirds' month of foreplay usually begins on Valentine's Day.

To share in the thrill of parenthood, Tollini said, male and female same-sex couples were given eggs to foster.

"The gay penguins had the most well-appointed burrows," Tollini recalled. "There were even peacock feathers."

She said tapirs are among the zoo's most well-endowed residents. One who answered to Jack once injured himself by stepping on his member.

"We soaked it in a tub of betadine for a couple of weeks," Tollini said. "It turned purple, then black, then it atrophied. Then it fell off, and he ate it."

When the tourgoers got off the tram and went into the Education Building, they met other creatures. They learned that hedgehogs have incredible libidos, that female porcupines have "Southern girl charm" by necessity -- they're in season only four hours a year -- and that girl opossums have double wombs.

"She can get pregnant when she is pregnant," Tollini said. "It's every woman's nightmare."

Neil Larson of Berkeley took the tour eight years ago and returned with his fiancee, Judi Cole, for Valentine's Day.

"It's an eye-opener," he said. "I could do this every year."

Even Tollini can't remember everything in the tour. On Tuesday morning, she lost her notes about alligator sex and searched for the term on the Internet. Instead, she found "Sex with an Alligator," a drink that mixes J├Ągermeister with raspberry and melon liqueurs.

"Now I've learned how to make this cocktail," Tollini said.



Does anyone else here find this just a little bit strange? Would you go on the "sex tour"? I'd rather stay home or just go somewheres else.
Minoriteeburg
15-02-2006, 20:22
LINK (http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/02/15/BAGCJH8G1H1.DTL)

there fixed the link
Lunatic Goofballs
15-02-2006, 20:24
If I were in San Francisco and wanted to absorb the culture, I'd almost have to.

I mean, what says 'San Francisco' like dirty dirty sex? :D
King Pest
15-02-2006, 20:26
"It's his special fetish," Tollini said. "He'll put his finger out and touch the shoe. ... Then he'll play with his nipples, eat bananas and masturbate."


hahahahahahahahah!

hahahaaaaajesus thats funny as hell.
Minoriteeburg
15-02-2006, 20:27
"It's his special fetish," Tollini said. "He'll put his finger out and touch the shoe. ... Then he'll play with his nipples, eat bananas and masturbate."


hahahahahahahahah!

hahahaaaaajesus thats funny as hell.



"Rhino sex is always violent. It looks like two Jeeps having an argument," she said. "Once copulation begins, they're locked together for well over an hour."

Male rhino Gene has started to favor logs over the aging Miss Elly.

"He takes that big unit out and humps those logs," Tollini said. "But if you get a splinter in there, you'll find out who your friends are."

my personal favorite
King Pest
15-02-2006, 20:32
my personal favorite

this is why zoos were made. i havent been to a zoo since i was 7, but if they do this all the time, i'd go once a week.
Megaloria
15-02-2006, 20:32
Pandering to the Furry crowd.
HC Eredivisie
15-02-2006, 20:40
""We soaked it in a tub of betadine for a couple of weeks," Tollini said. "It turned purple, then black, then it atrophied. Then it fell off, and he ate it.""

:D
Minoriteeburg
15-02-2006, 20:41
this is why zoos were made. i havent been to a zoo since i was 7, but if they do this all the time, i'd go once a week.


only once a week?;)
Stone Bridges
15-02-2006, 20:44
Now, parents will have a place to go to explain the facts of life to children, and possibly turn them into asexuals freaks! Wheeee!
Penetrobe
15-02-2006, 20:47
Animal Planet: After Dark
Stone Bridges
15-02-2006, 20:49
Animal Planet: After Dark

What happens when The Playboy Channel runs out of ideas!
Minoriteeburg
15-02-2006, 20:51
What happens when The Playboy Channel runs out of ideas!



....or when Anna Nicole Smith gets a new show.
Stone Bridges
15-02-2006, 20:59
....or when Anna Nicole Smith gets a new show.

Actually they already have a new show. It's called stampee. Not even animals are willing to put up with her fat ass.
Minoriteeburg
15-02-2006, 21:01
Actually they already have a new show. It's called stampee. Not even animals are willing to put up with her fat ass.


I'd watch if all the animals took a nice poo on her face. Because we all know shes been there before.
Stone Bridges
15-02-2006, 21:03
I'd watch if all the animals took a nice poo on her face. Because we all know shes been there before.

Do you honestly think poo poo on her face would bother her? I mean this is a woman who married (and slept) with an 80 year old.
Minoriteeburg
15-02-2006, 21:06
Do you honestly think poo poo on her face would bother her? I mean this is a woman who married (and slept) with an 80 year old.


or if her head got stuck in an animals ass that would also be hysterical. I saw a video once of some poor soul get in that situatoin with an elephant, hilarity ensued.
Stone Bridges
15-02-2006, 21:08
or if her head got stuck in an animals ass that would also be hysterical. I saw a video once of some poor soul get in that situatoin with an elephant, hilarity ensued.

LOL! I saw that video! It would really be funny if the animal decides right then and there that not only did he needed to fart, but to take a dump too!
Minoriteeburg
15-02-2006, 21:15
LOL! I saw that video! It would really be funny if the animal decides right then and there that not only did he needed to fart, but to take a dump too!


LMFAO! you just made me spill my drink.
Stone Bridges
15-02-2006, 21:18
LMFAO! you just made me spill my drink.

Someone really should call up Fox and tell them this idea. It could be a show where people that the general population hate (Paris Hilton) and have them get stuck in animals anus! If PETA complains, then we'll put their heads into animal anus!
Straughn
16-02-2006, 03:07
Does anyone else here find this just a little bit strange? Would you go on the "sex tour"? I'd rather stay home or just go somewheres else.
Yeah, well laugh it up, but some of us are proud to have the title "Zoo Fluffer" on our resume'. *grits teeth*
Straughn
16-02-2006, 03:10
Someone really should call up Fox and tell them this idea. It could be a show where people that the general population hate (Paris Hilton) and have them get stuck in animals anus! If PETA complains, then we'll put their heads into animal anus!
Some people have it in their heads that she would make a good Mother Teresa .... just imagine her in full regalia when your scenario happens!
Ashmoria
16-02-2006, 03:30
i was at bush gardens in tampa one time. they have that replica of the african savannah where the animals seem to wander freely while they really keep the predators well away from the prey...

i was on the monorail with my elderly aunt and my then 2 year old.

as we came up on the lion enclosure, it was obviously lion mating season since the lions were humping like crazy. my aunt was quite embarrassed.

the odd thing was that all around the outside of the moat that seperated the lions from the rest of the animals, the impala had lined up and were staring at the mating lions. dozens of them were enjoying zooporn! it was a little creepy

on the disgusting side. it seems that chimpanzees are attention whores and will do anything to get the gross-out reaction from humans.

i went to the albuquerque zoo in january with my sister and her little granddaughters. luckily we got seperate because the girls were disgusted enough by the chimps ugly butts. they didnt see the alpha chimp grab some shit out of his ass, EAT IT, smear it on the glass with his tongue, then lick it off again. he must really love to disgust people.
Mirkai
16-02-2006, 03:54
I'd go! :D

Hope they allow video cameras.
Undelia
16-02-2006, 03:55
"She's seen bondage, polygamy, group sex, homosexuality, sex with inanimate objects and pedophilia."

It's nice to know that she has an internet connection.
Straughn
16-02-2006, 04:10
"She's seen bondage, polygamy, group sex, homosexuality, sex with inanimate objects and pedophilia."

It's nice to know that she has an internet connection.
Nah, Sunday school bus trip.
*nods*
Minoriteeburg
16-02-2006, 20:01
Someone really should call up Fox and tell them this idea. It could be a show where people that the general population hate (Paris Hilton) and have them get stuck in animals anus! If PETA complains, then we'll put their heads into animal anus!


yeah and the best part of this show is:

it's on Ted Nugent's farm!!!!!
Harlesburg
17-02-2006, 11:03
Another reason to bury San Fran?