NationStates Jolt Archive

I'd rather not have this turn into a discussion of the impossibilities of time travel or building a cybernetic organism, but if somebody sent the Terminator back in time to protect Jesus (or Yeshua as was his true name) what would the world be like now?

To illustrate the scenario, check out this video (http://media.putfile.com/terminator_with_jesus)

This is like the 100th Jesus thread today. Save Jesus, Kill Jesus, Jesus and Property, Jesus and the Jackson 5..........

Jesus!

This is like the 100th Jesus thread today. Save Jesus, Kill Jesus, Jesus and Property, Jesus and the Jackson 5..........

Jesus!

Don't forget Jesus and the Teletubbies!

lol

"Ponchas Pilate, 10 o'clock.....BOOM!"

LMAO

So... if somehow you could go back in time and hook Jesus up with internet service... what do you think he would think about all these Jesus threads?

I'd rather not have this turn into a discussion of the impossibilities of time travel or building a cybernetic organism, but if somebody sent the Terminator back in time to protect Jesus (or Yeshua as was his true name) what would the world be like now?

To illustrate the scenario, check out this video (http://media.putfile.com/terminator_with_jesus)

This would prevent Jesus from being killed and thus being martyr. True he could come up with some other reason as to why he saved us and we are all indepted to him but nobody would buy if it wasn't for his execution, and thus Christianity would not have been formed. Jesus and the terminator would become a foot note in history about two crazy guys who preached some unusual beliefs and killed alot of people.

...Jesus... ...Jesus... ...Jesus... ...Jesus... ...Jesus..........
Jesus!

Did Peechland just have an orgasm?

Arghh... we've been infected by the Jesus meme. There'll be days of this now.

I wish I'd never said he had socialist tendencies now. :(

Did Peechland just have an orgasm?

Actually,I speak in tongues when I have an orgasm BWO.;)

Actually,I speak in tongues when I have an orgasm BWO.;)

Ooooo kinky!

Actually,I speak in tongues when I have an orgasm BWO.;)

Doesn't this belong in the 'off the wall attractive' thread?

:D

<Arnold impersonation>Fadda! Why have you forsaken meeeeeeeeeee!?(ending in incomprehensible Austrian accented bellows.)</Arnold>

I'd rather not have this turn into a discussion of the impossibilities of time travel or building a cybernetic organism, but if somebody sent the Terminator back in time to protect Jesus (or Yeshua as was his true name) what would the world be like now?

To illustrate the scenario, check out this video (http://media.putfile.com/terminator_with_jesus)

Well, I think that if Jesus hadn't been killed then no one would have cared about him. Just another crazy person in a world full of them.

I'd rather not have this turn into a discussion of the impossibilities of time travel or building a cybernetic organism, but if somebody sent the Terminator back in time to protect Jesus (or Yeshua as was his true name) what would the world be like now?

According to the Bible Jesus *chose* to die for the sake of humanity. Protecting him would therefor have greatly upset him.

Stop! Stop Killing Judas!

Well, I think that if Jesus hadn't been killed then no one would have cared about him. Just another crazy person in a world full of them.

Actually, I think that it is the fact he rose from the dead that makes him worthy of note, not the fact he was killed. If he had just been crucified and that was it, then yeah, I'd agree. It it what happened after the crucifiction that attracted (and still attacts) all the attention.

EDIT: the film clip is hilarious though. "He'll be back!" :D

This is like the 100th Jesus thread today. Save Jesus, Kill Jesus, Jesus and Property, Jesus and the Jackson 5..........

Jesus!

Jesus is simply a very popular guy.

Maybe even as popular as The Beatles.

Actually, I think that it is the fact he rose from the dead that makes him worthy of note, not the fact he was killed. If he had just been crucified and that was it, then yeah, I'd agree. It it what happened after the crucifiction that attracted (and still attacts) all the attention.

EDIT: the film clip is hilarious though. "He'll be back!" :D

Actually, considering he came back, how can anyone save him? He, apparently, didn't need it.

Actually, considering he came back, how can anyone save him? He, apparently, didn't need it.

good point. :)

I'd rather not have this turn into a discussion of the impossibilities of time travel or building a cybernetic organism, but if somebody sent the Terminator back in time to protect Jesus (or Yeshua as was his true name) what would the world be like now?

To illustrate the scenario, check out this video (http://media.putfile.com/terminator_with_jesus)

MAD TV is what Saturday Night Dead used to be.

So... if somehow you could go back in time and hook Jesus up with internet service... what do you think he would think about all these Jesus threads?
Probably not much for two reasons ...
One, he'd get suckered into AOL ...
Two, there's a good chance NetNanny or some other interfering function would prevent him from knowing a good deal about the rest of the world, which is in direct accordance with the Bible ... therefore the kind of heathen athiestic bilge on this forum :D would probably never reach him.

Jesus is simply a very popular guy.

Maybe even as popular as The Beatles.
...but not as popular as Oasis, according to at least one of the Gallagher brothers :rolleyes:

Actually, considering he came back, how can anyone save him? He, apparently, didn't need it.
Except of course, for that part that Gymoor II:The return insinuated Ah-nold into ...

http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=10427766&postcount=13

Of course, any time displaced assassin would find a nasty surpise waiting for him.

Its a well known fact that Jesus was an accomplished martial artist, even prior to his development of "Christ Almighty" style kung-fu.

Even a modern firearm would be useless against one who knows the "I Walk Through Rain and Am Not Wet" technique that Jesus learned from Elija "Surprise Ya" Rodriguez, the vicious streetfighter who proved his mettle in cashbet streetfights throughout Judea.

And should the would be killer be too persistent, the messiah would unleash his deadly Double Flying Crotch Kick, a move so devastating, that we honor it to this day by traditionally saying "Jesus Christ!" whenever we are kicked in the balls.

Of course, any time displaced assassin would find a nasty surpise waiting for him.

Its a well known fact that Jesus was an accomplished martial artist, even prior to his development of "Christ Almighty" style kung-fu.

Even a modern firearm would be useless against one who knows the "I Walk Through Rain and Am Not Wet" technique that Jesus learned from Elija "Surprise Ya" Rodriguez, the vicious streetfighter who proved his mettle in cashbet streetfights throughout Judea.

And should the would be killer be too persistent, the messiah would unleash his deadly Double Flying Crotch Kick, a move so devastating, that we honor it to this day by traditionally saying "Jesus Christ!" whenever we are kicked in the balls.

...nomination for Winner of Thread...

Of course, any time displaced assassin would find a nasty surpise waiting for him.

Its a well known fact that Jesus was an accomplished martial artist, even prior to his development of "Christ Almighty" style kung-fu.

Even a modern firearm would be useless against one who knows the "I Walk Through Rain and Am Not Wet" technique that Jesus learned from Elija "Surprise Ya" Rodriguez, the vicious streetfighter who proved his mettle in cashbet streetfights throughout Judea.

And should the would be killer be too persistent, the messiah would unleash his deadly Double Flying Crotch Kick, a move so devastating, that we honor it to this day by traditionally saying "Jesus Christ!" whenever we are kicked in the balls.

As if those weren't enough, Jesus Christ also was trained by The Mighty Chuck Norris and is the only being whose Roundhouse Kick is even anywhere remotely near The Mighty Chuck's own in terms of sheer devastating power. Jesus just believes that life is too sacred and that no sinner is truly beyond redemption to dare unleash it short of Armageddon.

If you don't believe me, did any of you assume Jesus was born with that beard? Hell no, he grew that as Tribute to his personal trainer Chuck Norris.

As if those weren't enough, Jesus Christ also was trained by The Mighty Chuck Norris and is the only being whose Roundhouse Kick is even anywhere remotely near The Mighty Chuck's own in terms of sheer devastating power. Jesus just believes that life is too sacred and that no sinner is truly beyond redemption to dare unleash it short of Armageddon.

If you don't believe me, did any of you assume Jesus was born with that beard? Hell no, he grew that as Tribute to his personal trainer Chuck Norris.
Grrr ... contender for Winner of Thread.
Gonna be a nail-biter.

...nomination for Winner of Thread...

Thank you, but I stress that we know these things not due to me, but due to the tireless research efforts of the Department of Comparative Religion and Unfounded Speculation at Brown University.

Without them, we wouldn't know about the martial prowess of Jesus, the fact that Siddhartha Guatama liked to fix up old cars with hydraulics, or that when Moses was refused by pharoah, he didn't say "let my people go", he said "alright, fuck you, buddy, its on now, I'm not kidding".

As if those weren't enough, Jesus Christ also was trained by The Mighty Chuck Norris and is the only being whose Roundhouse Kick is even anywhere remotely near The Mighty Chuck's own in terms of sheer devastating power. Jesus just believes that life is too sacred and that no sinner is truly beyond redemption to dare unleash it short of Armageddon.

If you don't believe me, did any of you assume Jesus was born with that beard? Hell no, he grew that as Tribute to his personal trainer Chuck Norris.

I remember when I was a kid, they had "Chuck Norris Action Team" figures with little springloaded plastic missiles...I wonder if those are considered idolatry now...

Well, i propose that if there was a capability of altering the timeline, i would go back in time and kidnap the first Jesus before death (or the uncertain fate past the Josephus' tomb thing), and then again go back just a LITTLE BIT FURTHER and have the first one meet the second one to discuss what went wrong the first time. Also, i could quite clearly state that there WASN'T ONLY ONE ONLY BEGOTTEN SON. Hell, i might even take him/them around to different civilisations in time and insinuate them into cultures that otherwise had gotten by just peachy without him.
And then ... coup de grace ... i would shift a few of them for base/control group up here to the future and have a few cloned, and then shift a few into the future, with the intent of getting them onto ships to other planets ... and then, back in time as to seed lots of little Jesuslands amongst the beautiful shiny stars.

Booyah!


EDIT: Fair and balanced :rolleyes: ...
http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=468871

I remember when I was a kid, they had "Chuck Norris Action Team" figures with little springloaded plastic missiles...I wonder if those are considered idolatry now...
...and, of course, Saint Curie kicks it up a notch. *nods*

And then ... coup de grace ... i would shift a few of them for base/control group up here to the future and have a few cloned, and then shift a few into the future, with the intent of getting them onto ships to other planets ... and then, back in time as to seed lots of little Jesuslands amongst the beautiful shiny stars.


Geneticist: Um, well...okay, so we were prepping the Jesus DNA for the initial cloning stages, and, well, Dave is getting a divorce, so he was a little bummed, so we had a few beers, and...

Project Manager: Beer. In the lab. In our $6,000,000,000 orbital biochem plant. Beer. Shit, so then what happened?

Geneticist: Well, we don't know exactly, 'cause one of the test sheep must've turned off the security cameras, but when we woke up, there was a 5-armed Jesus-lobster, wearing my pants and one of the torso units from the powered armor exosuit lab down the hall...

Project Manager: Wait, stop, what, lobster-jesus?

Geneticist: Well, on the bright side, he can't aim the gun very well...

haha i laughed so hard i cried!!

even my [quite christian] mum liked it... :)

I remember when I was a kid, they had "Chuck Norris Action Team" figures with little springloaded plastic missiles...I wonder if those are considered idolatry now...

Actually, every Chuck Norris Karate Commando figure in Good or better condition have all been confiscated by the Catholic Church and is held in their private armory for sanctioned cases of Extreme Exorcism. They don't use it often because calling upon The Power of Chuck Norris to banish evil spirits drains the life force of the priest using it not to mention the small but unavoidable risk of invoking The Wrath of Chuck upon all in the vicinity. However, even the Great Old Ones and the Outer Gods can be driven away in sheer terror when a Chuck Norris Karate Commando figure is used in place of a crucifix.

Actually, every Chuck Norris Karate Commando figure in Good or better condition have all been confiscated by the Catholic Church and is held in their private armory for sanctioned cases of Extreme Exorcism. They don't use it often because calling upon The Power of Chuck Norris to banish evil spirits drains the life force of the priest using it not to mention the small but unavoidable risk of invoking The Wrath of Chuck upon all in the vicinity. However, even the Great Old Ones and the Outer Gods can be driven away in sheer terror when a Chuck Norris Karate Commando figure is used in place of a crucifix.

This explains so many things.

I'd rather not have this turn into a discussion of the impossibilities of time travel or building a cybernetic organism, but if somebody sent the Terminator back in time to protect Jesus (or Yeshua as was his true name) what would the world be like now?

To illustrate the scenario, check out this video (http://media.putfile.com/terminator_with_jesus)


only a few years late...You guys need to explore teh interweb a bit more/often methinks...

It's a great clip tough, me and my friends tend to go "Whai?" at least once while drunk...


"IT'S SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!!"
"WHAI!?"

Geneticist: Um, well...okay, so we were prepping the Jesus DNA for the initial cloning stages, and, well, Dave is getting a divorce, so he was a little bummed, so we had a few beers, and...

Project Manager: Beer. In the lab. In our $6,000,000,000 orbital biochem plant. Beer. Shit, so then what happened?

Geneticist: Well, we don't know exactly, 'cause one of the test sheep must've turned off the security cameras, but when we woke up, there was a 5-armed Jesus-lobster, wearing my pants and one of the torso units from the powered armor exosuit lab down the hall...

Project Manager: Wait, stop, what, lobster-jesus?

Geneticist: Well, on the bright side, he can't aim the gun very well...
Yes, it's a good bet by now that this particular thread is safely in the hands of Saint Curie.
*bows*

haha i laughed so hard i cried!!

even my [quite christian] mum liked it... :)
Good. A little laughter can go a long, LONG way.
:)


..and now for the cartoons ... :eek:

Of course, any time displaced assassin would find a nasty surpise waiting for him.

Its a well known fact that Jesus was an accomplished martial artist, even prior to his development of "Christ Almighty" style kung-fu.

Even a modern firearm would be useless against one who knows the "I Walk Through Rain and Am Not Wet" technique that Jesus learned from Elija "Surprise Ya" Rodriguez, the vicious streetfighter who proved his mettle in cashbet streetfights throughout Judea.

And should the would be killer be too persistent, the messiah would unleash his deadly Double Flying Crotch Kick, a move so devastating, that we honor it to this day by traditionally saying "Jesus Christ!" whenever we are kicked in the balls.

Without a doubt, the funniest thing I've ever seen on NS. I damn near pissed myself.

This shirt sums up the Jewish thought on this matter:

http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=494

I loved that! It ranks as no. 2 on my ridicule-christianity list, after Life of Brian.

I'd rather not have this turn into a discussion of the impossibilities of time travel or building a cybernetic organism, but if somebody sent the Terminator back in time to protect Jesus (or Yeshua as was his true name) what would the world be like now?

To illustrate the scenario, check out this video (http://media.putfile.com/terminator_with_jesus)
Christianity would probably be dead and NS General would have a ton of Islam Bashing Threads.

This is like the 100th Jesus thread today. Save Jesus, Kill Jesus, Jesus and Property, Jesus and the Jackson 5..........

Jesus!
Jebus Jebus bo Bebus, Banana Fana Fo Fesus Mi My Mo Mesus - JebuS! ;)

Actually, if I were at all interested in saving Jesus (and his religion) I would go back and whack young Saul.

It was, after all, S/Paul who changed the religion OF Jesus into a religion ABOUT Jusus. :headbang:

Jebus Jebus bo Bebus, Banana Fana Fo Fesus Mi My Mo Mesus - JebuS! ;)

Actually, if I were at all interested in saving Jesus (and his religion) I would go back and whack young Saul.

It was, after all, S/Paul who changed the religion OF Jesus into a religion ABOUT Jusus. :headbang:

yah team! somebody actualy got that one right!

ahney in jerusalem of 2000 years ago? on THAT mission? oh i'd love to be a mouse in the wall to see that one.

as for chainging something in time, i'd stop the timetraveller who gave the etruscans the stirrup and the spartins the flying wedge. then there wouldn't have been a greek or roman empire and likely the monotheism that emerged wouldn't have accumulated the fanatical militance it has today. things would have gone entirely differently with the nazarene carpenter and the essenes. the library of alexandria wouldn't have been burned by fanatics, there never would have been a middle ages. the age of steam would have started arround 1100, lasted through most of what on our timeline is the middle ages, and we'd be out among the stars with anti-gravity and ftl tecnology by now.

there would have been a lot fewer wars and dictatiors over the interveniening centuries and people today would not now be romantacizing and rewarding aggressiveness nor immagining it somehow our nature to do so.

=^^=
.../\...

Jebus Jebus bo Bebus, Banana Fana Fo Fesus Mi My Mo Mesus - JebuS! ;)

Actually, if I were at all interested in saving Jesus (and his religion) I would go back and whack young Saul.

It was, after all, S/Paul who changed the religion OF Jesus into a religion ABOUT Jusus. :headbang:

Paul, the Saint Formerly Known as Saul, was actually just embarassed that he fell off his horse while drunk on cosmopolitans and weed (or "Tarsus Tobacco" as it was called back then).

So he used the old "Um, Jesus appeared to me, and asked why I was acting so messed up toward Him, and I was struck blind" excuse.

It would appear, after so many hours ....
Saint Curie - #1
Gauthier - #2
Straughn - *dishonourable mention*

And the rest, you know who you are.
#1 garnered a golden shower, FOR FREE! That's no small accomplishment. *bows*

According to the Bible Jesus *chose* to die for the sake of humanity. Protecting him would therefor have greatly upset him.
And you wouldn't like Jesus if he was upset.

And you wouldn't like Jesus if he was upset.
Yeah ... he might become a reserve deputy for the L.A. county sheriff's dept.!!

Yeah ... he might become a reserve deputy for the L.A. county sheriff's dept.!!

But Jesus wants people to get along.

Yeah ... he might become a reserve deputy for the L.A. county sheriff's dept.!!
Dude, have you ever been assaulted by a Prophet weilding "a whip made of cords"!? Those things STING!

And you wouldn't like Jesus if he was upset.

He's worse when he's calm. Remember that time he ate that woman's face, and his heartrate never got above 85?

Or was that Jesus...

Dude, have you ever been assaulted by a Prophet weilding "a whip made of cords"!? Those things STING!
Not by a prophet, no. Only a couple of people who had little recourse but to think their paranoid schizophrenia was ACTUALLY an issue of "prophetic" behaviour ... they wouldn't stop grunting nonsense, and they knew it.
All in a day's work i guess.

But Jesus wants people to get along.
Yes, but with THAT kind of authority, he can block the cameras while two other officers beat up a confused dude in an alley!
And he can be on steed, JUST LIKE in "Revelations". Ever read that? Sure as sh*t didn't seem to want to make friends in that chapter *shudder*

Yes, but with THAT kind of authority, he can block the cameras while two other officers beat up a confused dude in an alley!
And he can be on steed, JUST LIKE in "Revelations". Ever read that? Sure as sh*t didn't seem to want to make friends in that chapter *shudder*

Revelation II, Electric Boogaloo...

For product placement, they could have Christ in a white 07' mustang convertible, with license plate "pale hors"


"This summer, Jim Caviziel reprises his role as Jesus...in the hottest action blockbuster since Terms of Endearment"

Revelation II, Electric Boogaloo...

For product placement, they could have Christ in a white 07' mustang convertible, with license plate "pale hors"


"This summer, Jim Caviziel reprises his role as Jesus...in the hottest action blockbuster since Terms of Endearment"
*FLORT*
So what're you on anyway? This thing is endless riff fodder for ya (not that i mind)!

If you don't believe me, did any of you assume Jesus was born with that beard? Hell no, he grew that as Tribute to his personal trainer Chuck Norris.
Dude, Chuck Norris gave Jesus the gift of beard. Everyone else was so jealous, they omitted Chuck from the bible.

You would simply fail. You cannot stop something God has decided will happen. The terminator would simply shut down before it is able to save him, or get struck by lightning, or have a meteorite fall on top of it or something.

You would simply fail. You cannot stop something God has decided will happen. The terminator would simply shut down before it is able to save him, or get struck by lightning, or have a meteorite fall on top of it or something.but then it would reroute to alternate power and reactivate. so it would look like it comes back from the dead, so everybody would think the terminator is the messias and start worshipping it.
the religion of T800 would be born.

but then it would reroute to alternate power and reactivate. so it would look like it comes back from the dead, so everybody would think the terminator is the messias and start worshipping it.
the religion of T800 would be born.
Do you think they'd have a chapter like "Song of Solomon" or "Proverbs"? :D
I also wonder if they'd have as much incest as the bible has.

but then it would reroute to alternate power and reactivate. so it would look like it comes back from the dead, so everybody would think the terminator is the messias and start worshipping it.
the religion of T800 would be born.

And lo, the Cyberdynites came down from their land in the Valley of Silicon and Money, and there, heretics of Robocop did blaspheme,

Saying they, "Serve the public trust, protect the innocent, uphold the law"

But Ahnuld spake unto them, saying "Peter Weir, are you fakking vit me? He is vurse zan me! Haf you ZEEN "Buckaroo Banzai"?

But they could not be turned from their prideful path of wanting a sweet ass leg with a holster in the thigh, so the Lord pulled his Plasma Rifle, yea, in the forty watt range

And lo, the Cyberdynites came down from their land in the Valley of Silicon and Money, and there, heretics of Robocop did blaspheme,

Saying they, "Serve the public trust, protect the innocent, uphold the law"

But Ahnuld spake unto them, saying "Peter Weir, are you fakking vit me? He is vurse zan me! Haf you ZEEN "Buckaroo Banzai"?

But they could not be turned from their prideful path of wanting a sweet ass leg with a holster in the thigh, so the Lord pulled his Plasma Rifle, yea, in the forty watt range
And then some arsehole retroactively points out the first inconsistency of the
T800 religion, and the cult of Peter Weller hath began, verily. None to be thwarted, tho, the beholders of the original text begun their revival of the Terpsichorian medley, and it was good. And the T800 made for the delight of their lords the extended jam, and soon brought their revival to all the dusty corners of the parched earth! And it was so.

And then some arsehole retroactively points out the first inconsistency of the
T800 religion, and the cult of Peter Weller hath began, verily. None to be thwarted, tho, the beholders of the original text begun their revival of the Terpsichorian medley, and it was good. And the T800 made for the delight of their lords the extended jam, and soon brought their revival to all the dusty corners of the parched earth! And it was so.

Long as its not "The Cursed Earth"...unless its from the comic, not the movie

Peter Weller? Where the hell did I get "Weir" from...

Long as its not "The Cursed Earth"...unless its from the comic, not the movie I was thinking the standup routine, m'self.

Peter Weller? Where the hell did I get "Weir" from...
....from the band, The Grateful Dead. That's kinda funny ... Freud AND Jung would've liked it!

Its a well known fact that Jesus was an accomplished martial artist, even prior to his development of "Christ Almighty" style kung-fu.

Christ Almighty Kung Fu: I Kick Ass For the Lord!!