NationStates Jolt Archive

I've never found myself to be a good poet, but I'm always interested in giving things a try. So I wrote a short one....and it needs...something. Perhaps content, perhaps a better title, but this missing element is killing me :headbang:
Just tell me what you think.
“Oasis”

I first saw you draped in gold
Your web of lies enticed me
An innocent smile
A deadly dare
Like an oasis
In a vast desert
You beckoned me.

I needed shelter,
Refuge from the blazing sun
So I came.
So easily attainable
A taste can’t hurt.
It touches my lips
Slides down my throat
A taste can’t hurt.

I’m not stuck
Just having fun
What do they know?
A cool dip here and there won’t harm me
I’m safe

I started with a drop
It kept me up
But I need more.
A glass;
Jar.

You lifted me when I was down
For a short time,
My escape
Now my remorse
I need freedom
But it will never come.

I fell into the web of lies
Now look where I stand,
I lied to myself
I have nothing;
So I dared to move away.
But like a snake on the ground
Came slithering back
Take me again into your care.

My clothes have turned to rags
People I have known are shadows
Any future that I had was shattered
Leaving only you
Oasis.

PS: Feel free to say I hate this, and this is crap, but you better give a reason or I'll dismiss you as a goofball.

I'm quite an accomplished poet, but it's often difficult for me to edit the work of others. Why? Because, as a writer, I am a perfectionist, and yet I don't want to come off sounding cruel. Anyways, that's your forewarning.
I can't correct the poem for you. A poem is a poem is a poem. It is written, and then it is. Little can be done, aside from small grammatical tweaks. The best advice I have for you is to keep writing, and read the work of others. It wasn't a bad poem, but I could feel it's constraints and limitations quite heavily. What that means is that you need to work on freeing your mind and allowing yourself to express things more purely, without moulding them to fit your needs. It's not what they'll teach you in school, but writing without a theme or purpose is what worked for me. Don't go out to write a poem about something. If you get an image in your mind, write it down, along with any images that come in conjunction with it. Try reading Eliot or someone of the sort if you need help with that.
I'm a horrible person (as an editor), but don't let me get you down. Surround yourself in poetry and relax into the language. In additon, it's best to work to absolutely master grammar so that you can freely play with the rules. Don't break them untill you know them, right?
Try the Wasteland, by TS Eliot. It's absolutely brilliant and free, yet immaculate. That's poetry.

"but I could feel it's constraints and limitations"

Hmm, what does that mean?

"but I could feel it's constraints and limitations"

Hmm, what does that mean?

I could feel that you were really trying. You had a message that you wanted to get across, and that was conflicting with your ability to speak freely and eloquently.

So, going back to your first post, if you write without a theme, how do you get started?
(I'm the type of person that likes to plan ahead as you may be able to tell :) )

So, going back to your first post, if you write without a theme, how do you get started?
(I'm the type of person that likes to plan ahead as you may be able to tell :) )

Well, you don't write without a theme. Just don't start with it. Start with an image, something that strikes you, and build from that. Don't plan so much! (I know English teachers say to map things, but I really find free-writes much more eloquent and expressive).
But for essays, do plan ahead. That's one exception.

I loved it and thought it was very good. I think I would change the title .....maybe. I dunno. Something more symbolic, since the poem itself has so much symbolism. But I thought it was great.