NationStates Jolt Archive

Soft Rock according to George Carlin: "That lame-ass, weak, non-threatening, suburban white-boy junk, played by bands like 'Men Without Testicles!"

Here's one of my own: Why do they call it "rap"?
Because "Crap" wouldn't sell :p

What is the difference between a musician and a savings bond?

Eventually the bond will mature and earn money.

How do you get a Clarinet player out of a tree?
Cut the noose.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless.
lol, I didn't know I was homeless! ;)

Why are trombone players better lovers?

Well, trumpet players do it with three fingers, baritone players do it with four fingers, but trombone players do it in seven positions! :eek: :D

What did a piano player say to a tightrope walker?


You better C sharp or you'll B flat!

ok well since you arent being too picky right now......



A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and was standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", one
asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts

boasting in an open foyer."

What's the difference between an oboe and a dying duck?

ok well since you arent being too picky right now......



A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and was standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", one
asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts

boasting in an open foyer."
*groans* That was bad... ;)

What's the difference between an oboe and a dying duck?

i dunno, what?

*groans* That was bad... ;)


I know. I am a pun lover. I am full of bad ones.



A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.

i dunno, what?

I don't know either.

What's brown and sits on a piano?

Beethoven's last movement.

I know. I am a pun lover. I am full of bad ones.



A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.
That one wasn't as bad as the chess one. It was borderline good. :)

Soft Rock according to George Carlin: "That lame-ass, weak, non-threatening, suburban white-boy junk, played by bands like 'Men Without Testicles!"

In one of his books, he also says that Soft Rock isn't Rock. It's just soft.

He also calls New Age Music, "Pointless meandering zombie-noise played by pseudospiritual lunatics who think that windchimes are a musical instrument."

That one wasn't as bad as the chess one. It was borderline good. :)


Well, you have to take it for what it is. If youre reading it as a joke, it blows. If you are just reading it as a pun, then its great!

Celine Dion

Celine Dion

You win.

ok one more and I'll stop....



Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and
heat it, too.

I'm done.

During a music show, you could tell which member of a band is which just by reading their minds. You'd see something like this:

Guitarist: Man, these drugs are good. The rush is amazing.
Lead Singer: Those girls are hot! I wonder how many I can pick up.
Drummer: I'm really hungry. I wonder if I can con someone into buying me dinner.
Bass Player: A A A A E E E E D D D D A A A A

What do you someone who hangs out with musicians?

Bass Player: A A A A E E E E D D D D A A A A

Haha yes.

What do you someone who hangs out with musicians?


Matt....go tune into Stephs radio show....

Matt....go tune into Stephs radio show....

How and why?

three guys walked in to a bar....... the fourth one ducked.

How do you make a guitarist stop playing?

Put a musical-staff on his music.

How do you make him pass out?

Put notes on it.

How and why?


she made a thread about it

http://www.bzoo.org/?page_id=7

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

she made a thread about it

http://www.bzoo.org/?page_id=7

I keep on getting page not found errors.

My favorite Christmas card read (with, of course, cartoon pics to illustrate it):

Wee Fish Ewe A Mare Egrets Moose Panda Hippo Gnu Deer!



So it is a musical bad pun, not strictly a joke...

what did the fish say when it a wall?
answer:Dam!:p

I keep on getting page not found errors.


oh gosh..

http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=468690

go to the thread and click the links in there.

Two Tuba players walked passed a bar.

That's the entire joke

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
no idea...

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

Drool...

oh gosh..

http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=468690

go to the thread and click the links in there.

Ah.

It plays through iTunes, but not WMP. Weird.

Drool...

Winner is you!

Okay, I remember one that my Sunday school teacher told us in class, I thought it was quite funny (for a church joke)

Abraham had just bought a new laptop, and he was showing it to his son Isaac, he said "I really like it, but it's kinda on the slow side, I don't know what to do about that" and Isaac said "don't worry dad God will provide the RAM you need"

:p :p :p :p :p :p



(okay, seriously someone has to get it right?)

Okay, I remember one that my Sunday school teacher told us in class, I thought it was quite funny (for a church joke)

Abraham had just bought a new laptop, and he was showing it to his son Isaac, he said "I really like it, but it's kinda on the slow side, I don't know what to do about that" and Isaac said "don't worry dad God will provide the RAM you need"

:p :p :p :p :p :p



(okay, seriously someone has to get it right?)


That is pretty good for a church joke!

I've posted it before, but it's too good not to post again: http://www.petelevin.com/violajokes.htm

The classic:

What's the difference between a Violin and a Viola?
A Viola burns longer.

And it's extension:

And do you know WHY the Viola burns longer?
It's usually still in the case.

Some choice ones:

Why do so many people take an instant dislike to Viola players?
Why wait; It saves so much time.

Why are Violist's ears sought after for transplants?
They've never been used.

Why do Violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?
They can't handle any subject reference to "more than one position".

What do a SCUD missile and a Viola player have in common?
They're both offensive and inaccurate.

What's the difference between a Viola player and a dressmaker?
The dressmaker gets paid to tuck up the frills: A Viola player ...
Figure it out.

What's the difference between a Viola player and Doctor Scholl's Footpads?
Doctor Scholl's bucks up the feet: A Viola player ...

What's the difference between a Viola and a lawnmower?
You don't pour gasoline ON the lawnmower.

What's the difference between a Viola and a Macaw?
One makes obnoxious, irritating, non-musical noises; The other is a bird.

Why is a Violist like a terrorist?
They both mangle the bowings. (Bowings/Boeings ... Get it?)

Why is a Viola like a lawsuit?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
In the "Texas Viola Massacre", the killer was wearing a tuxedo.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
After you put gasoline in the chainsaw, people don't throw lit matches at you.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola?
The law doesn't require a DANGER: MAY CAUSE INJURY warning label on a viola.

What's the difference between an Oboist and a Violist?
The oboe player sustained brain damage AFTER taking up the instrument.

What's the difference between a Violist and a prostitute?
A prostitute knows more than one position.

What's the difference between a Viola and an onion?
Nobody cries when they chop up a Viola.

What's the difference between a Violin and a Viola?
The viola holds more beer.

Why do people get nervous when someone walks into a bank carrying a Viola case?
It might actually contain a Viola - and he might take it out and play it.



A Viola player returns home to find his house a pile of smoldering rubble. Police, fire and EMS vehicles are everywhere. A Police Lieutenant takes him aside and gently relates the sordid story: The symphony conductor was having an affair with the Violist's wife. Apparently an S&M session had turned violent when their 6 year old came home from school early. The conductor beat both of them badly and in a fit of rage set the house on fire. Mother and daughter have been taken to the hospital and the conductor is under arrest.

Dumbfounded, the Violist exclaims, "I can't believe it: The Maestro came to MY house?"




The orchestra is warming up backstage when suddenly the conductor is taken ill and rushed to the hospital. The scheduled program was to be all very difficult Berg pieces. No conductors are available on this short notice and the orchestra manager is at his wit's end since the alternative is to send the audience home. Suddenly he remembers that one of the viola players did a thesis on Berg in college. Desperate, he asks the man if he would be willing to conduct the program. The violist tells him frankly that he has never conducted before, but is willing to give it a try.

Sparing the details, he conducts; The orchestra comes through in the clutch, and the audience is wildly appreciative - giving the substitute conductor a long standing ovation.

The next morning, at rehearsal, the violist's stand mate turns to him and asks, "Hey ... where were you last night? We had a great concert."

What do you do with a musician who cannot play anything?
~Give him two sticks and put him at the back of the band.
But what if he still cannot play?
~Take one stick away and put him at the front!

Two guys meet each other in the Australian Outback, and discover that they are from the same small town in rural Ontario. They start to discuss Church:
~So are you crazy Catholic or nice, good Protestant?
~I'm on your side, a Protestant.
~Are you from one of those crazy new-wave Churches, or a real denomination?
~I'm a Presbyterian.
~You don't say! So am I. Did you go to the Church on First Street?
~I did!
~Wow, I never thought I would meet someone from my own Church way out here! You go to the morning service or the evening?
~Evening.
~Oh. A heretic!

Ayeee! That last one seemed so butchered, I prefer the long version.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?" He said,"Reformed Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

A old couple are having dinner at a restaurant and the husband leans over
and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over
fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against
the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman
has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both colllapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that
he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them,
"Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic
sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Well, fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

what's the difference between a large cheese pizza and a musician?

a cheese pizza can feed a family of four.

How do you get two piccolo players to play in tune?

shoot one.

How do you get it to sound good?

shoot both.

How many trumpets does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could've done it.

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What's the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.

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What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

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Why can't gorillas play trumpet?
Gorillas are too sensitive.

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The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.

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In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all.
After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said 'tacit'-- so I took it!"

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How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because the world revolves around them!

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What's the difference between a trumpet and a chain saw?
Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.

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What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trumpet, but doesn't.

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How many trumpets does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.

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How do trumpet players traditionally greet eachother?
"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."

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How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
The doorbell shriekes!

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What do trumpet players use for birth control?
Their personalities.

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What did little Johnny's mother tell him when he said "I want to be a trumpet player when I grow up"?
"But Johnny, you can't do both."

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What would a trumpet player do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the trumpet players.

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How do you improve the aerodynamics of a drummer's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

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What do you call a lead trumpet player with half a brain?
Gifted.

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What's the first thing a trumpet player says at work?
"Would you like fries with that?"

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How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how Louis Armstrong would have done it.

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How do you get a trumpet player to play fff?
Write mp on the part.

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What's the difference between a free jazz trumpeter and a terrorist?
The terrorist has sympathizers.

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Three famous trumpet players are up in an airplane. One of them says, "I'll throw out a 100 dollar bill and make someone very happy." The one next to him says, "I'll throw out two 50 dollar bills, and make two people very happy." The other one said, "I'll throw five 20's out the door, and make five people happy." The pilot, who was their conductor, said, "Why don't all three jump, and make the whole band very happy?"

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What is the range of a trumpet player?
It depends: how strong are you, and how much do you want to hurt him?

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How many jazz trumpeters does it take to change a light bulb?
Never mind- they can fake the changes.

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How do you get a trumpet player to play softly?
Take away his instrument.

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So anyway, there's this Jazz trumpet player who's never made the money he wanted, but hey, that's jazz. He gets run over by a bus and due to his unruley life, goes down to Hell. He stood at the rusted iron gates when a bellowing voice calls out,
"Jazz musican are we?..............corridor C, door 14!"

So on he treks, trumpet firmly in hand. As he walks down the corridor he's struck dumb by this absolutley amazing Jazz jam going on. He follows the sound, picking up speed he final comes to the source of the 'Heavenly' sound..........door 14. He can't belive his luck when he opens the door, Dizzy Gillespie, Miles Davies, Buddy Rich..........all the greats were here. Dizzy looks over at him and says,

"Pull up a pew, son, and let the Jazz free"

He starts playing, still dumb-founded with his luck. If this was hell, then he'd be happy spending eternity here. Just then the door opens and in walks the devil.

"Right, boys and girls!! Break time over!............."

"I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want... You tell me what you want, what you really, really want..."
(Or equally annoying music!)

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How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
Seven- if you lay them out correctly.

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How many second trumpets does it take to change a light bulb?
None they can't reach that high.

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How many trumpets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:What's a lightbulb?????

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A great jazz trumpet player dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he finds out that heaven has a jazz band and rehearsal is about to begin. When he arrives at the rehearsal, he finds out that it is the biggest jazz band he had ever seen. There were over twenty trumpet players, including all the greats, like Miles Davis, Dizzy Gillespie, Louis Armstrong, and many others. The band sounds incredible, the best he had ever heard, and all of the players were great, with one exception. The lead player was horrible! The lead player had no high chops, couldn't play a decent swing groove, and could not improvise. Yet this horrible player was on lead, really looked like he was getting into the songs, and looked incredibly smug and pleased with himself after every song. Incredulous, he asked the player next to him, "Who is that guy? He's horrible!" The other player replied, "Oh, that's just God. He only likes to think that he's Wynton Marsalis."

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Q: How many trumpets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one: all he has to do is hold his horn above his head the the world revolves around him.

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What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

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whats the range of a solo trumpet player?
about 40 yards if its a "super-light" model.

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Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
--So they can park in the handicapped spot.

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What's the differance between a trumpet player and God?
God knows he's not a trumpet player.

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How do you tell a trumpet player's knocking at your door?
The knock speeds up.

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A trumpet player at Louisiana Tech sent me this:
Since that I am a trumpet player I understand all of those jokes. Fortunatly I am not like the others here at Louisiana Tech. The only thing I have in common with them is that I smoke. Here are a few things people say about us......
1)If you need a trumpet player go look on the back porch.
2)We are sponsored by Marlboro.
3)Need a smoke? Ask a trumpet player.

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How can you tell a trumpet player's kids at a playground?
They don't know how to swing.

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4 trumpet players are in a mini van. The mini van goes off a cliff. What's the tragedy in this?
You can fit 8 trumpet players in a mini van.

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How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Zero. They just complain about the darkness until a trombone player does it for them.

can you guess what instrument I play?

How do you get a trumpet player to play fff?
Write mp on the part.
it's funny cuz it's true.

Yay trumpet players.

I was playing trumpet (true story, not a joke) for my high school marching band. We were at practice and the drill team was going to practice their kick routine. It was to Dance To The Music, so the trumpet part was the most important (when isn't it?;) ). We had 3 people with the music for a section of 20 people. What do we do? Throw out 2 of the copies, gather around the one piece, turn to face the kick line (our backs facing the conductor), and fake it.

A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims.
At this point, you must understand two things:

1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the basses don't have a thing to do. Not a single note, page after page.
2. There used to be a tavern right across the street from the Seattle Opera House; it was favored by local musicians.

During this performance, after the bass players had played their parts, they decided to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their chairs for 20 minutes. But once they got backstage, someone suggested they trot across the street to the tavern.

After they had downed the first couple of rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'll be awfully embarrassing if we're late."

Another, presumably the one who suggested this little excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated that we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductors score. When he gets there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. As they came back on stage, however, one look at the conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble.

The conductor was furious! And why not?

After all . . .
it was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.

A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims.
At this point, you must understand two things:

1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the basses don't have a thing to do. Not a single note, page after page.
2. There used to be a tavern right across the street from the Seattle Opera House; it was favored by local musicians.

During this performance, after the bass players had played their parts, they decided to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their chairs for 20 minutes. But once they got backstage, someone suggested they trot across the street to the tavern.

After they had downed the first couple of rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'll be awfully embarrassing if we're late."

Another, presumably the one who suggested this little excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated that we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductors score. When he gets there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. As they came back on stage, however, one look at the conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble.

The conductor was furious! And why not?

After all . . .
it was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.


The version I like adds visiting a Europen nobleman buying the drinks. He passes out, along with two of the basses, so you end with: it was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, the basses were loaded, there were two men out, and the count was full. :D

What happens if you play country music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, your pickup starts running again, you get out of prison...

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.

What's on the bluesman's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told ``Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing.''

If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
Who cares?


What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. ``I'm sorry, he's dead,'' comes the reply.
The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. ``I just like to hear you say it.''

A musician arrived at the pearly gates.
"What did you do when you were alive?'' asked St. Peter.
"I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra''
"Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal.''
So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his "heavenly" trombone. As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his baton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the "angelic" second trombonist and whispered, "So, what's God like as a conductor?''
"Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan.''

Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house.
Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was.
"Great,'' says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time.''

The stages of a musician's life:

Stage 1. Who is (insert name)?

Stage 2. Get me (insert same name).

Stage 3. Get me someone who sounds like (insert same name).

Stage4. Get me a young (insert same name).

Stage 5. Who is (insert same name)?

What do you call a musician without talent?

A drummer

(I know it was done earlier, but I'm not sure if the punchline was given)

What do you call someone who hangs around with Musicians?

A drummer

meow mix kinda tune i thought of

Theres a woman
staring at me
wondering why i am laughing



kinda funny.. eh?

most people say American Rap was created by the black man... unfortunately this is not true, it was actually by the southern white man. only they didn't call it Rap, they called it Square Dancin'.

How many bassists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. "Let the keyboard player do it with his left hand."


How many union roadies does it take to change a light bulb?

25. You got a fuckin' problem with that?


How many lead guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

meow mix kinda tune i thought of

Theres a woman
staring at me
wondering why i am laughing



kinda funny.. eh?

Stairway to Gilligan's Island is good too. ;)

Not a music one but I found this a funny one my friend told me in webmastering

Jesus and the Devil decided to have a competition to decide which of them were better at the computer. Each had to make 5 websites 4 flash animations 10 photoshop images and one program. They both were working furiously, breaking keyboards as they went. As the competition reached the home stretch a power outage occured. With 10minutes left power finally returned and the two began working again. When the competition was over the Devil barely had anything done and Jesus had finished all the tasks. When the Devil asked why, the judge said Jesus saves. :D