Neo Kervoskia
13-02-2006, 18:04
Poor Grammar Leads to Spontaneous Combustion
by Sir Edward Walsbrook
DaP, London- Everyone hates poor grammar, except those who use it. But now grammarian Nazis need some fret over the extremely poor grammar of others. It has been discovered that excessively poor grammar and spelling lead to spontaneous combustion. Nobody knows what triggers this reaction and nobody really cares But what people do care about is that it makes for excellent footage for home-made films.
http://img.timeinc.net/time/time100/images/main_hitler.jpg
Is Grammar Naziism the only way to avoid spontaneous combustion?
The Disassociated Press did some investigative work of our own. We snatched two fourteen year-old children, one boy and one girl, and gave slips of paper with the message, “I have a cat and its name is Fluffy.” Subject A, the boy, was to type it using the most horrible grammar possible. His post read. “I haves me a kitty: and its; Name Is the Fluffz0rs!” No sooner did he finish typing did his head burst into flames, his stomach exploded, his eyeballs melted, and blood gushed from his eye sockets.
Luckily we had rain coats, so no harm was done.
Subject B, the girl, was asked to do the same except use good grammar and spelling. Her post read, “ I have a cat and it’s name is Fluffy.” She used it’s rather than ‘it’. She then vomited her intestines onto the ground and began to sweat blood from her pores. Out of children, and very hungry, we went to a local bar for some drinks and inexpensive prostitutes.
When we arrived at the bar, everyone was dead. Apparently patrons were, for the most part, illiterate. I then spoke with linguistics professor William Habensiemeinekatzegegessen. An interview followed. DAP – Disassociated Press, WH– equals the professor.
DAP: Professor Habensiemeinekatzegegessen, what sort of grammar and spelling lead to spontaneous combustion?
WH: Terrible grammar. For example, Let’s Say That I Spoke Like This, Well Then My….
It was at that point that his head exploded. May this be a lesson to everyone who has no regard for proper spelling and grammar. In fact, I have more to say. Colour had a 'u'. goddamn it. Who in the bloody hell decided that 'colour' would be spelled as 'color'...Oh no ahhhh! [insert sound of combustion]
Copyright 2006, Disassociated Press
by Sir Edward Walsbrook
DaP, London- Everyone hates poor grammar, except those who use it. But now grammarian Nazis need some fret over the extremely poor grammar of others. It has been discovered that excessively poor grammar and spelling lead to spontaneous combustion. Nobody knows what triggers this reaction and nobody really cares But what people do care about is that it makes for excellent footage for home-made films.
http://img.timeinc.net/time/time100/images/main_hitler.jpg
Is Grammar Naziism the only way to avoid spontaneous combustion?
The Disassociated Press did some investigative work of our own. We snatched two fourteen year-old children, one boy and one girl, and gave slips of paper with the message, “I have a cat and its name is Fluffy.” Subject A, the boy, was to type it using the most horrible grammar possible. His post read. “I haves me a kitty: and its; Name Is the Fluffz0rs!” No sooner did he finish typing did his head burst into flames, his stomach exploded, his eyeballs melted, and blood gushed from his eye sockets.
Luckily we had rain coats, so no harm was done.
Subject B, the girl, was asked to do the same except use good grammar and spelling. Her post read, “ I have a cat and it’s name is Fluffy.” She used it’s rather than ‘it’. She then vomited her intestines onto the ground and began to sweat blood from her pores. Out of children, and very hungry, we went to a local bar for some drinks and inexpensive prostitutes.
When we arrived at the bar, everyone was dead. Apparently patrons were, for the most part, illiterate. I then spoke with linguistics professor William Habensiemeinekatzegegessen. An interview followed. DAP – Disassociated Press, WH– equals the professor.
DAP: Professor Habensiemeinekatzegegessen, what sort of grammar and spelling lead to spontaneous combustion?
WH: Terrible grammar. For example, Let’s Say That I Spoke Like This, Well Then My….
It was at that point that his head exploded. May this be a lesson to everyone who has no regard for proper spelling and grammar. In fact, I have more to say. Colour had a 'u'. goddamn it. Who in the bloody hell decided that 'colour' would be spelled as 'color'...Oh no ahhhh! [insert sound of combustion]
Copyright 2006, Disassociated Press