NationStates Jolt Archive

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there, and when they get to the gate, St. Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each have to answer one question. To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?" The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies:" That would have been the Titanic, right?". St. Peter lets him through the gate. St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" The garbage man guesses: "1228" "That happens to be right; go ahead." St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."

LMFAO!! :D that cheered me up!! :D

Heh, just wait and till you need a lawyer one day...;)

A couple who were in love died and found themselves infront of the Pearly Gates. When they were greeted by St. Peter, they confessed that their only regret was that they were not married before they died. To make this truely Heaven, they asked St. Peter if they could be married in Heaven.

St. Peter looked overjoyed and told the Couple that he would make the arraingements.

3 months later, the couple were married and enjoyed eternity as Husband and Wife. However, several years later, they realized that marriage wasn't for them. They then, sought out St Peter and ask if they could have a devorce.

St Peter looked shock and annoyed as he replied. "It took us 3 months to find a priest up here... do you have any idea how long it's going to take us to find a Lawyer, much less Two?"

A couple who were in love died and found themselves infront of the Pearly Gates. When they were greeted by St. Peter, they confessed that their only regret was that they were not married before they died. To make this truely Heaven, they asked St. Peter if they could be married in Heaven.

St. Peter looked overjoyed and told the Couple that he would make the arraingements.

3 months later, the couple were married and enjoyed eternity as Husband and Wife. However, several years later, they realized that marriage wasn't for them. They then, sought out St Peter and ask if they could have a devorce.

St Peter looked shock and annoyed as he replied. "It took us 3 months to find a priest up here... do you have any idea how long it's going to take us to find a Lawyer, much less Two?"
Hehehe! Lawyers ... the profession we love to hate! :D

Heh, just wait and till you need a lawyer one day...;)
Already have one, thank you. One is more than enough! :D

LMFAO!! :D that cheered me up!! :D
It pleases me no end to be the instrument for someone's brighter day! :D

Already have one, thank you. One is more than enough! :D
:) Indeed. Apparently if you lose a court case, not only do you have to pay for your own lawyers, damages to the opposing side, but you also have to pay their lawyer's fees. :eek: I am almost regretting not becoming a lawyer :p

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

A: You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline. :)

:) Indeed. Apparently if you lose a court case, not only do you have to pay for your own lawyers, damages to the opposing side, but you also have to pay their lawyer's fees. :eek: I am almost regretting not becoming a lawyer :p
I'm not! I attended one semester of law school at the U. of Illinois and dropped out to go to Vietnam, if that tells you anything! :D

Hey I dont like my rude, obnoxious, always drunk, loud mouth neighbors across the street. Do you have any jokes about them? I wish I could make them disappear.....well, without getting my hands all messy that is.

I'm not! I attended one semester of law school at the U. of Illinois and dropped out to go to Vietnam, if that tells you anything! :D
I am changing to Economics because I find law too dry; especially case law. I don't want to be chained to a desk my whole life. I'll get rich, just not filthy rich :p

Hey I dont like my rude, obnoxious, always drunk, loud mouth neighbors across the street. Do you have any jokes about them? I wish I could make them disappear.....well, without getting my hands all messy that is.
G'mornin' Peechy! :fluffle:

No, no jokes. However, for a small fee ... ! :D

It pleases me no end to be the instrument for someone's brighter day! :D
AWWwwwwww Thanks Eut!! :D

I am changing to Economics because I find law too dry; especially case law. I don't want to be chained to a desk my whole life. I'll get rich, just not filthy rich :p
Leaving the law for "the dismal science?" That's what I call true desperation! I would almost rather go through "the Vietnam experience" again than do either one ... almost that is. :D

G'mornin' Peechy! :fluffle:

No, no jokes. However, for a small fee ... ! :D

Mornin' Popperoni :fluffle:

I'll call you with the drop off location......small bills right?

Leaving the law for "the dismal science?" That's what I call true desperation! I would almost rather go through "the Vietnam experience" again than do either one ... almost that is. :D
Hah, nah I actually like Economics...I'm good at it too :) Either way, it's just to make sure I have a job to get rich with so I can advance my career as a writer :p

AWWwwwwww Thanks Eut!! :D
Not a problem. I discovered a number of years ago that making someone's life a bit better always made mine a bit better as well. Strange how that works, yes? :)

Mornin' Popperoni :fluffle:

I'll call you with the drop off location......small bills right?
Small bills, non-sequential numbers, and definitly unmarked! :D

Hah, nah I actually like Economics...I'm good at it too :) Either way, it's just to make sure I have a job to get rich with so I can advance my career as a writer :p
Ahhh! Method to your madness, eh? I admire that. :D

Ahhh! Method to your madness, eh? I admire that. :D
Yes, I am methodically bonkers :)

Well i've grown up so far without any morality or principles so i figure i'd make a good lawyer. Wow you left law school for 'Nam? Well depends if you like scumbags or scumbags with money?

Well i've grown up so far without any morality or principles so i figure i'd make a good lawyer.
Quite the contrary. Lawyers are bound by very strict ethics and rules. Their role is interpretation and advocacy. They are neither liars nor crooks; they are manipulators of the Law.

they are manipulators of the Law.

Is there a difference then between breaking the law and bending it slightly?

they are manipulators of the Law.

Is there a difference then between breaking the law and bending it slightly?
Yes. A big one. The law is deliberately vague and open to interpretation. Yet it is explicit enough to set boundaries as to what constitutes breaking it, and what constitutes a looser interpretation of it. Socioeconomic contexts are always a factor in legal interpretation.

Yes, I am methodically bonkers :)
Perhaps, but at least those who don't know you leave you the hell alone, yes? :D

Yes, I am methodically bonkers :)


That would make a nice little nation name.

Perhaps, but at least those who don't know you leave you the hell alone, yes? :D
Yes actually :p Sometimes that can be frustrating though.

That would make a nice little nation name.
Feel free to use it :p

Feel free to use it :p


I dunno....I've been toying with some other names.

Flea Infested Twinkies has a nice ring to it.

Well i've grown up so far without any morality or principles so i figure i'd make a good lawyer. Wow you left law school for 'Nam? Well depends if you like scumbags or scumbags with money?
True story.

One night I was sitting at my desk, reading the same torts case-study for the fifth time at about 3 AM, and being unable to remember a single word of it. I swept everything from the desk onto the floor ( no computers back then, so no chance of damaging anything expensive ), and went for a long, long walk. I wound up sitting on the steps at the stadium, watching the sun come up and deciding that I had made a mistake by going to law school.

I knew that as soon as I dropped out, my friendly local draft board would send "Greetings" so I beat them to the punch and enlisted as a college option for Officer Candidate School. Talk about taking "the road less travelled!" Heh!

I got my draft notice while I was going through Basic Training at Fort Knox, Kentucky. I wrote "Sorry. Beat you to the punch. Hahaha!" and sent it back to them. :D

I dunno....I've been toying with some other names.

Flea Infested Twinkies has a nice ring to it.
Up to you :p One nation (*cough* empire *cough*) is more than enough for me.

You mean there are people who do like lawyers?! :eek:

Yes. A big one. The law is deliberately vague and open to interpretation. Yet it is explicit enough to set boundaries as to what constitutes breaking it, and what constitutes a looser interpretation of it. Socioeconomic contexts are always a factor in legal interpretation.
Uh ... in the US, most of those who write the law are lawyers; almost all of those who interepret the law are lawyers; all of those who prosecute and defend are lawyers. Can you say "vertical monopoly," boys and girls? :D

Yes actually :p Sometimes that can be frustrating though.
Not if you use it properly. Just conceal your "real self" from those you wish to avoid, and reveal it to those you wish to impress! :D

You mean there are people who do like lawyers?! :eek:
Uh ... I'm sure there must be, somewhere, although I've never met one. :D

Uh ... in the US, most of those who write the law are lawyers; almost all of those who interepret the law are lawyers; all of those who prosecute and defend are lawyers. Can you say "vertical monopoly," boys and girls? :D
In the UK it's mostly Ministers and MPs who make the law, even those who draft them are legal clerks (yet, to be fair, the legislative does order them to be vague). The reason behind this is that laws that are too specific cover too few situations. The law, as it is, is a nightmare of cases and statutes. Creating hundreds more would make it even worse. I can't believe I just said it could get worse :eek:

Either way though, it is lawyers who rule our society :p

Not if you use it properly. Just conceal your "real self" from those you wish to avoid, and reveal it to those you wish to impress! :D
Noted. :p

Uh ... I'm sure there must be, somewhere, although I've never met one. :D

Hehe - it takes all sorts to make a world I suppose - after all, there are people who are willing to become lawyers, not to mention like them. :D

Here's some funnies:

I get paid for seeing that my clients have every break the law allows. I have knowingly defended a number of guilty men. But the guilty never escape unscathed. My fees are sufficient punishment for anyone.

Q. Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps?
A. New Jersey got to choose.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig just won’t do.

Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?
A: An impossibility. (Same as for honest politicians)

And the classic:
Q: What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

You do realize that this will probably be the longest-running thread in the history of NS, right? ;)

Here's some funnies:

Q. Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps?
A. New Jersey got to choose.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig just won’t do.

Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?
A: An impossibility. (Same as for honest politicians)

And the classic:
Q: What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
LOL! Good ones. I especially like the quote from F. Lee Bailey! :D

You do realize that this will probably be the longest-running thread in the history of NS, right? ;)
ROFL! Well, that's just the cost of posting a topic about something so many people feel so strongly about, I suppose. ;)

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

A: You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline. :)
nice goofball, thats hilarious:D :D :D :D :D :p :p :p :p

How many lawyers does it take to roof your house?

A: It depends how thin you slice them.

What do you get when you have a bunch of lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

A: You get more sand!

:D

Not a problem. I discovered a number of years ago that making someone's life a bit better always made mine a bit better as well. Strange how that works, yes? :)
That is not strange atall, the joy you recieve or better life is because you see you have made someone elses better, this raises your morale as you have raised theirs, it is why selfishness cannot bring happiness. imo...

What do you get when you have a bunch of lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

A: You get more sand!

:D

I don't get it:confused:

I don't get it:confused:

You get(as in acquire) more sand...to finish the burial. See, they're up to their necks. So more sand would cover their heads.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?



There are skid marks before the skunk.

A man once took his dog to an obedience school because it had been misbehaving. The instructor assured him that the dog could be trained to be anything, and pointed out some other dogs for a demonstration.

Throwing some bones on the ground, he called, "Here Fido." A dog ran out, siezed the bones, and built a bridge with them. "This dog is being trained for an engineer.", the instructor explained.

The instructor dismantled the bones, then called another dog. This one constructed an accurate human skeleton. "We're training this one for a doctor."

Then a third suddenly rushed out, ate all the bones, then enthusiastically screwed the other two dogs. The instructor made a face and said, "He's being trained for a divorce lawyer."

The problem with the way lawyers operate today is they always want to "cut the baby in half". In other words the person wronged will only get half of what they deserve and the person that did wrong only has to pay back half. So people who are inclined to do wrong know that they will always be able to keep half so they just steal twice as much and figure that half of that is a business expense. And if they don't get caught or if they steal from someone too poor to pay for a lawyer they get to keep it all.