Silliopolous
08-02-2006, 16:17
Shamelessly yoinked from Pogge.... (http://www.pogge.ca/archives/000994.shtml)
Using cutting-edge surveillance technology on loan from the NSA, who are taking a break from some top-level spying on their own citizens, the team here at the Pogge Institute is proud to bring you the transcript from the first meeting of Stephen Harper's Conservative Cabinet. Let's listen in, and thrill to the majestic workings of the inner circles of power...
The setting – A wood-panelled conference room where meets for the first time the cabinet of the Conservative government of Stephen Harper:
Harper: All right, everyone, settle down please…I want to get this meeting going. I’ve got a federation to dismantle here, and who knows how long this minority government is going to last.
Vic Toews (Justice): I want my issues on the agenda, Stephen. I brought my electric chair from my garage at home and I’m ready to warm it up…
Harper: Relax, Vic, we’ll get to the execution of criminals eventually, but let’s first talk about executing this social contract that is dragging down our corporate backers.
Peter MacKay (Foreign Affairs): (Hesitantly) Well, not all the social contract, surely. I mean, you know, there some stuff we might want to retain…you know…medicare for a few of the poorer folks; some sort of employment insurance, and…you know…(trails off)…
*Crickets*
Harper: (Rolling his eyes) Anyway, let’s leave Peter’s comments to hang in the air like an unclaimed fart and move on, shall we? Let’s start by welcoming two new members to the team: David Emerson and Michel Fortier. Dave…welcome, Michel…bienvenue…
Toews: God bless you.
Harper: Pardon me?
Toews: You sneezed. I said God bless you.
Harper: I didn’t sneeze! I said “bienvenue”. That’s French!
Toews: Oh…I thought we’d agreed no froggy talk in here.
Harper: (Rubbing his temples) Moving along, we should…Monte!
Monte Solberg (Immigration): Wha…?
Harper: Do you have a Blackberry to share with the entire cabinet? No? Then blog on your own time. Steve Janke will just have to think for himself for an hour.
Solberg: Sorry Stephen.
Harper: And that reminds me. I’m Prime Minister now. This “Stephen” stuff is unbecoming. I need a new title…let’s see…
Toews: Supreme Leader!
Solberg: Steverino!
Tony Clement (Health): Mr. Harris!
Chuck Strahl (Agriculture): Not-the-Preston!
Jim Flaherty (Finance): The Slash-meister!
Jay Hill (Whip): Captain Firewall!
Harper: Um…okay, Stephen will do for now. Let’s review the agenda.
Stockwell Day (Public Safety): I’d like to open the meeting with a prayer followed by some speaking in tongues…JAYSUS! We are but unsightly blemishes on thy divine visage, yet we BESEECH THEE…!
Harper: Stockwell! Please! That’s for the rubes out in Jesustown. Let’s stick to business, shall we?
Day: (sotto voce)forgiveusoursinsohlordwhosemercywe…
Harper: Thank you! Quite enough. All right, people, we have been elected to do a job here…
Michel Fortier (Public Works and Government Services): Not all of us…
Harper: Oh, right, sorry. We have been elected and in some cases arrogantly appointed to do a job here, people. This federation’s not going to dismantle itself, you know.
Jean-Pierre Blackburn (Labour): Tell that to Gilles Duceppe!
(Laughter)
Harper: Phew! Good one, JP. Anyhoo…
Solberg: I hate to interrupt, Stephen, but I have to report that some of the Blogging Tories are pretty darned annoyed at us right now about our two new colleagues, Mr. Emerson and Mr. Fortier.
Harper: Throw them some red meat.
Solberg: That’ll work for some of them, but some actually have their own opinions on things.
Toews: Sounds like they need a good purging, then.
Harper: What I wouldn’t give for a right wing noise machine like George Bush enjoys. No original thought at all; just coordinated talking points. (Looks dreamily into the distance)
Solberg: I don’t think it’s irreparable, just wanted you to know about the rumblings, and I don’t mean the ones caused by the sausages in the commissary.
Harper: Well, that’s your bailiwick, Monte. I want them praising Dave and Michel within a week.
Solberg: (excited) Permission to deploy Blackberry, sir?
Harper: Granted. Now, let’s get cracking on our hidden agenda…
Door opens – an executive assistant peers into the room.
EA: Mr. Harper? Mr. Bush for you on the Blue Phone.
Harper: The Boss! Everyone genuflect, please…
Bush: (on speakerphone): Steve-o! It’s the Commander-in-Chief talkin’ at ya. How ya doin’ with yer compassionate conservative agenda?
Harper: Heavy on the conservative, light on the compassionate, Chief.
Bush: That what I like to hear! Ya see, compassion is something that someone does when they’re being compassionate. And compassionating is important, I know that…
Harper: Listen, Chief, we’ve got an agenda to lay out, so…
Bush: Right! Right! I hear ya…keep the compassionating light then, Steve-o.
Harper: Thanks, Chief.
Gordon O’Connor (Defence): Say hi to Rummy for me!
Harper: Okay, where were we…
O’Connor: Can we pick up the pace a bit? I’ve defence contractor pockets to line.
Harper: You mean “constituent groups to consult with”, Gordon. Please folks, get up to speed on the lingo, would you? This agenda’s not going to stay hidden with all these loose lips around. In the meantime, let’s get it together. I want some direction to take back to caucus –
Day: That’s a dirty word.
Harper: What, caucus?
Day: Ewww! Yes!
Harper: Well what would be a better term, then?
Diane Finlay (Human Resources): Since there’s not that many women on cabinet, maybe we could send a positive message to women voters, and change “caucus” to “vaginus”.
(Day faints)
All male cabinet members: Ewwwwww!
Harper: All right, people, focus! Focus!
David Emerson (International Trade): Um, Stephen, Loyola’s in my seat.
Harper: I beg your pardon?
Emerson: That’s my seat. That’s where I always sat when…well…before, you know.
Loyola Hearn (Fisheries): Well those days are friggin’ over, b’y! Get with the program. It’s my seat now! (He wiggles his buttocks back and forth in the chair.)
Emerson: Hey! You’re getting it all Newfie-smelling!
Hearn: (angry) And what’s wrong with that? Best place on earth, buddy!
Emerson: Just one of my corporate buddies could buy and sell that Rock with pocket change.
Hearn: You party-hopping bastard! (Lunges at Emerson. A wrestling match ensues.)
Toews: (Pulling out a Taser) I’ll handle this! (Stuns them both)
Harper: (Wearily popping a couple of Excedrin) All right, I can see we need a bit more time to get used to this governing thing…let’s call it a day…
Using cutting-edge surveillance technology on loan from the NSA, who are taking a break from some top-level spying on their own citizens, the team here at the Pogge Institute is proud to bring you the transcript from the first meeting of Stephen Harper's Conservative Cabinet. Let's listen in, and thrill to the majestic workings of the inner circles of power...
The setting – A wood-panelled conference room where meets for the first time the cabinet of the Conservative government of Stephen Harper:
Harper: All right, everyone, settle down please…I want to get this meeting going. I’ve got a federation to dismantle here, and who knows how long this minority government is going to last.
Vic Toews (Justice): I want my issues on the agenda, Stephen. I brought my electric chair from my garage at home and I’m ready to warm it up…
Harper: Relax, Vic, we’ll get to the execution of criminals eventually, but let’s first talk about executing this social contract that is dragging down our corporate backers.
Peter MacKay (Foreign Affairs): (Hesitantly) Well, not all the social contract, surely. I mean, you know, there some stuff we might want to retain…you know…medicare for a few of the poorer folks; some sort of employment insurance, and…you know…(trails off)…
*Crickets*
Harper: (Rolling his eyes) Anyway, let’s leave Peter’s comments to hang in the air like an unclaimed fart and move on, shall we? Let’s start by welcoming two new members to the team: David Emerson and Michel Fortier. Dave…welcome, Michel…bienvenue…
Toews: God bless you.
Harper: Pardon me?
Toews: You sneezed. I said God bless you.
Harper: I didn’t sneeze! I said “bienvenue”. That’s French!
Toews: Oh…I thought we’d agreed no froggy talk in here.
Harper: (Rubbing his temples) Moving along, we should…Monte!
Monte Solberg (Immigration): Wha…?
Harper: Do you have a Blackberry to share with the entire cabinet? No? Then blog on your own time. Steve Janke will just have to think for himself for an hour.
Solberg: Sorry Stephen.
Harper: And that reminds me. I’m Prime Minister now. This “Stephen” stuff is unbecoming. I need a new title…let’s see…
Toews: Supreme Leader!
Solberg: Steverino!
Tony Clement (Health): Mr. Harris!
Chuck Strahl (Agriculture): Not-the-Preston!
Jim Flaherty (Finance): The Slash-meister!
Jay Hill (Whip): Captain Firewall!
Harper: Um…okay, Stephen will do for now. Let’s review the agenda.
Stockwell Day (Public Safety): I’d like to open the meeting with a prayer followed by some speaking in tongues…JAYSUS! We are but unsightly blemishes on thy divine visage, yet we BESEECH THEE…!
Harper: Stockwell! Please! That’s for the rubes out in Jesustown. Let’s stick to business, shall we?
Day: (sotto voce)forgiveusoursinsohlordwhosemercywe…
Harper: Thank you! Quite enough. All right, people, we have been elected to do a job here…
Michel Fortier (Public Works and Government Services): Not all of us…
Harper: Oh, right, sorry. We have been elected and in some cases arrogantly appointed to do a job here, people. This federation’s not going to dismantle itself, you know.
Jean-Pierre Blackburn (Labour): Tell that to Gilles Duceppe!
(Laughter)
Harper: Phew! Good one, JP. Anyhoo…
Solberg: I hate to interrupt, Stephen, but I have to report that some of the Blogging Tories are pretty darned annoyed at us right now about our two new colleagues, Mr. Emerson and Mr. Fortier.
Harper: Throw them some red meat.
Solberg: That’ll work for some of them, but some actually have their own opinions on things.
Toews: Sounds like they need a good purging, then.
Harper: What I wouldn’t give for a right wing noise machine like George Bush enjoys. No original thought at all; just coordinated talking points. (Looks dreamily into the distance)
Solberg: I don’t think it’s irreparable, just wanted you to know about the rumblings, and I don’t mean the ones caused by the sausages in the commissary.
Harper: Well, that’s your bailiwick, Monte. I want them praising Dave and Michel within a week.
Solberg: (excited) Permission to deploy Blackberry, sir?
Harper: Granted. Now, let’s get cracking on our hidden agenda…
Door opens – an executive assistant peers into the room.
EA: Mr. Harper? Mr. Bush for you on the Blue Phone.
Harper: The Boss! Everyone genuflect, please…
Bush: (on speakerphone): Steve-o! It’s the Commander-in-Chief talkin’ at ya. How ya doin’ with yer compassionate conservative agenda?
Harper: Heavy on the conservative, light on the compassionate, Chief.
Bush: That what I like to hear! Ya see, compassion is something that someone does when they’re being compassionate. And compassionating is important, I know that…
Harper: Listen, Chief, we’ve got an agenda to lay out, so…
Bush: Right! Right! I hear ya…keep the compassionating light then, Steve-o.
Harper: Thanks, Chief.
Gordon O’Connor (Defence): Say hi to Rummy for me!
Harper: Okay, where were we…
O’Connor: Can we pick up the pace a bit? I’ve defence contractor pockets to line.
Harper: You mean “constituent groups to consult with”, Gordon. Please folks, get up to speed on the lingo, would you? This agenda’s not going to stay hidden with all these loose lips around. In the meantime, let’s get it together. I want some direction to take back to caucus –
Day: That’s a dirty word.
Harper: What, caucus?
Day: Ewww! Yes!
Harper: Well what would be a better term, then?
Diane Finlay (Human Resources): Since there’s not that many women on cabinet, maybe we could send a positive message to women voters, and change “caucus” to “vaginus”.
(Day faints)
All male cabinet members: Ewwwwww!
Harper: All right, people, focus! Focus!
David Emerson (International Trade): Um, Stephen, Loyola’s in my seat.
Harper: I beg your pardon?
Emerson: That’s my seat. That’s where I always sat when…well…before, you know.
Loyola Hearn (Fisheries): Well those days are friggin’ over, b’y! Get with the program. It’s my seat now! (He wiggles his buttocks back and forth in the chair.)
Emerson: Hey! You’re getting it all Newfie-smelling!
Hearn: (angry) And what’s wrong with that? Best place on earth, buddy!
Emerson: Just one of my corporate buddies could buy and sell that Rock with pocket change.
Hearn: You party-hopping bastard! (Lunges at Emerson. A wrestling match ensues.)
Toews: (Pulling out a Taser) I’ll handle this! (Stuns them both)
Harper: (Wearily popping a couple of Excedrin) All right, I can see we need a bit more time to get used to this governing thing…let’s call it a day…