NationStates Jolt Archive

Post 'em, comment on them... It doesn't have to be your original joke, but it does have to be relevant to politics in some way, shape, or form.

I'll start (it's not my joke, I just read it today).

One fine day, President Bush is sitting in the Oval Office after a long day of making Democrats piss themselves and cry, and enjoying a Kaliber, when the phone rings.

"Hmmm...Laura's already been here. Who else has my direct line?"

"Hello, George! This is Usama! I wanted to share a dream of mine with you! Would you like to hear about my dream?"

"I dreamed that I flew over America. I flew over the city of New York, and the mountains of Colorado. I dreamed that I flew over the plains and the lakes and the towns, and on every hill and town was a sign, and do you know what the signs and banners said? They said that there is no god but God, and that Muhammad is his prophet, may God's peace be upon him."

"You know, Usama, I had a dream too. I dreamed that I flew over the Arabian Penninsula. I flew from one end of the Caliphate to another. I flew over the holy cities of Mecca and Medina, and I saw banners too."

"What did the banners say, George the infidel?"

"I couldn't tell you. I can't read Hebrew."

There was a break-in at the Whitehouse last night and George Bush's entire library was stolen.
What was worse was that he hadn't finished colouring one of them in yet.

I'm really, really disappointed in the people on NS General. All that posting about the cartoons of Mohammed, and not one of you suggested that "something was rotten in Denmark..."

George Bush visits a school and reads them The Hungry Goat. Afterwards he asks the students if they know what the definition of tragedy is.
One girl stands up and says, 'If mummy and daddy were killed in a car accident.'
GWB replies, 'No, that would be an accident'
A boy gets up and says, 'If a school bus went off a cliff and all the children on it died'
GWB replies, 'No, that would be a great loss'
Finally one kid gets up and says, 'If you were to choke on a pretzel or fall off your bike and die'
GWB says, 'Yes! That would be a tragedy! Do you know why?'
The kid answers, 'Well, it wouldn't be an accident and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss'

I think I've got this one right:

It's the late 1980's. Gorbachev and Reagan have gathered together, reluctantly, at the White House for a dinner and peace talks. After dinner, Reagan invites Gorbachev into the Oval Office, and shows him the desk, the chair, the paintings on the wall. Eventually Reagan shows Gorbachev a large red button on his desk. Gorbachev is naturally curious, and asks Reagan what it does. Reagan offers to show him, and gets Gorbachev to move in front of the desk. He obliges, and Reagan pushes the button. From the wall flies a custard pie that hits Gorbachev straight in the face, covering him in pie. Reagan laughs as he wipes pie off of his face, but he says nothing.

A few months later, Reagan is invited to the Kremlin for more peace talks. After another banquet, Gorbachev takes Reagan to his office and shows him around. Eeventually he also gets to a red button also installed in his desk. Reagan, sensing a trick but willing to play along, asks him what the button does. Gorbachev offers to show him, and gets Reagan to stand in front of his desk. He pushes the button, and at the same time Reagan jumps out of the way. Nothing happens. Reagan laughs and says to Gorbachev, "Hell, thats awful. In New York, we have this comedian that..."

Gorbachev waves a hand impatiently at Reagan and says, "New York no longer exists"

I'm really, really disappointed in the people on NS General. All that posting about the cartoons of Mohammed, and not one of you suggested that "something was rotten in Denmark..."


Clever one, but i never did read anything of Hemingway?

I remember some Soviet jokes:

What doesn't vibrate and doesn't fit into an ass? - A Soviet anal vibrator.

Gorba is visiting the USA. Reagan and Gorba are driving around the country, when the devil appears and starts running behind their car. Reagan panicks and starts to throw money overboard, hoping that the devil would stop and pick it up. But, of course, the devil doesn't do that, and keeps running behind them. Gorba takes a small slip of paper, scribbles something into it and throws it overboard. The devil picks the paper up, reads it, panicks and begins running to the other direction. - What did you write on that slip, asks Reagan. Gorba: "This road leads to socialism".

While we on old Soviet jokes,
Gorby meets Reagan in the US. Reagan asks Gorby if there's any humanitarian aid the US can give Russia. Gorby tells him, 'We need condoms! We have none and are suffering a massive population explosion!'
Reagan says, 'Yeah, I think that qualifies as humanitarian. How many do you need?'
Gorby replies with a smile, '10 million should be enough. Please make them 3" wide and 10" long'.
Later, Reagan calls up Durex and tells them, 'We need 10 million condoms for Russia, 10" long and 3" wide. Be sure to stamp the packets 'Made in the USA'. Oh, and while you're at it 'Small' on the other side.'

Clever one, but i never did read anything of Hemingway?
Huh?

Post 'em, comment on them... It doesn't have to be your original joke, but it does have to be relevant to politics in some way, shape, or form.

I'll start (it's not my joke, I just read it today).
ROFLMFAO!!! Good joke! :D

One day ex-President Bush ( the Elder ) and ex-President Clinton were chatting.

Ex-President Bush: "I'm sorry some people have said that Chelsie is ... less than attractive, Bill. She seems like a nice young woman."

Ex-President Clinton: "And you know, George, I'm sorry some people are saying that your boy, GW is less than intelligent."

Ex-President Bush: "Well, you know, I've always felt badly that some people have called Hillary a b***h too, Bill."

Ex-President Clinton: "Wow! Look at the legs on that intern!"

I'm really, really disappointed in the people on NS General. All that posting about the cartoons of Mohammed, and not one of you suggested that "something was rotten in Denmark..."
Thank you Will Shakespere! :p

I'm really, really disappointed in the people on NS General. All that posting about the cartoons of Mohammed, and not one of you suggested that "something was rotten in Denmark..."
That is f ing funny. Not many people would be able to make that connection.

And it wasn't Hemingway, it was Shakespeare.

http://www.statenews.com/show_editorial_comic.phtml?pk=350

Political joke of the millenium

here we go

Bush being re-elected.

Irony here (re-elected)

Dialogue between two Cuban parents and their only son:

- Who's your father?
- ¡El Partido Comunista!
- Who's your mother?
- ¡La gran Cuba revolucionaria!
- What do you want to be when you grow up?
- ¡Huérfano!

Dialogue between two Cuban parents and their only son:

- Who's your father?
- ¡El Partido Comunista!
- Who's your mother?
- ¡La gran Cuba revolucionaria!
- What do you want to be when you grow up?
- ¡Huérfano!
"¡Huérfano!?" No comprende!

@eut: orphan :)

Damn Spanish! Why can't we all speak Esperanto!

*shakes head, walks out of thread*

Damn Spanish! Why can't we all speak Esperanto!

oh, please do. been waiting for that. esperanto's a nice political joke, too, just to prove on-topic-ness.

Iraqi election (http://www.democracyformo.com/gallery/albums/Homegrown-Political-Cartoons-by-Bob-Boldt/Iraqi_election_results.jpg)

A man turns up to Cherneko's Funeral, and is stopped by a guard. "Have you a pass?" he asks. "No," replies the man, "I've got a season ticket."

How many people does it take to unscrew a proletarian lightbulb?

None! It contains the seeds of its own revolution!

*leaves thread in disgrace*

"A female producer at Fox News has filed a sexual harassment suit against Bill O-O-O'Reilly. She claims he repeatedly talked to her about phone sex, threesomes and masturbation. The last straw was when he asked her if her breasts were fair and balanced." --Jay Leno

"A female producer at Fox News has filed a sexual harassment against Bill O'Reilly. He reportedly talked to her about phone sex, threesomes and masturbation. Of coarse, the people at Fox News were shocked. They had no idea O'Reilly was a Democrat. Oh, it gets worse, after she hung up on him, Bill tried to *69 her." --Jay Leno

How many people does it take to unscrew a proletarian lightbulb?

None! It contains the seeds of its own revolution!

*leaves thread in disgrace*
how many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

Two... cuz there's barely enough room in a light bulb to screw anyway.

"Did you see what made this week's New York Times bestseller list for fiction? Did you see it? It was the New York Times." —David Letterman

Post 'em, comment on them... It doesn't have to be your original joke, but it does have to be relevant to politics in some way, shape, or form.

Hmm, let's see...the best political joke I know...

Okay, so this one day President Bush is sworn into office.

That's the joke.

"Senate Democratic leaders have painted a very bleak picture of the U.S. economy. Harry Reid was talking about soup lines, and Hillary Clinton was talking about the economy being on the verge of collapse. Yet, in the same breath, they say that Social Security is rock solid and there's no crisis there. How are you going to work -- you said you're going to reach out to these people -- how are you going to work with people who seem to have divorced themselves from reality?" --White House "correspondent" Jeff Gannon, asking President Bush a question at a news conference. Gannon, a Republican shill known for lobbing softball questions, is also known as James Guckert, a paid escort for wealthy homosexuals and the creator of Web sites titled Hotmilitarystud.com, Workingboys.net, and Militaryescorts.com.

Stalin dies and goes to hell (SHOCK)
While in hell he begs the Devil to allow him to remain in contact with earth, the Devil says "Because you have served me so well, you can use the phone."
"U.K 50$, U.S 45$, China 13$ and USSR 10 cents."
"Why is the union so cheap?"
"its a local call."

This joke is, as far as I am concerned, a Polish joke from the times of communism.

Russian and American leader got hibernated. After many years they are unfreezed and start to read newspapers to know what was going on. Russian suddenly starts to laugh.
"What is so funny?"
'Look: USA is communist state!"
American, embittered, returns to reading his newspaper. Then he laughs:
"Firefights on Polish-Chinese border!"

And why should you never trust the Chinese?

Any country with a population of over 1 BILLION people
that claims that ping-pong is their favorite indoor sport
has GOT to lie about other things.

Brazil is one of the South American countries that sent soldiers to Iraq.

The other day two Brazillian soldiers were killed in Iraq. When G.W. Bush was notified he started wailing and crying uncontrollably. His staff couldn't understand it. While any soldier's death is a tradgedy, this was only two soldiers and casualties had to be expected.

"Is there anything we can do to cheer you up?" his staff asked.

"No," he answered, "but can you tell me how many zeros are in a brazillian?"

Hey I got some
-----------------------------
Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan.

The doctor said "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides the left side and the right side."

Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"

The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."
--------------------------------

Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept Musharraf Mr President, "I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great buildings... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that........ "

Bush "What buildings? What people?? "
Musharraf "Oh, and what time is it in America now? "
Bush "It's eight in the morning. "
Musharraf "Oops...Will call back in an hour! "

--------------------------------

What do Hiroshima, Nagasaki, and Tehran have in common?

Nothing yet...

Marx died, so he obviously went to hell.
Upon arriving, he is greeted by the devil, that shows him around the places were demons burn souls, torture the heathen, etc.

However, for the devil's horror, Marx starts setting up demon trade unions! Demons refuse to work, and hell grinds to an halt.

The devil, in despair, calls Saint Anthony.

"Anthony dude, you can't believe the mess this guy marx is doing around here! Look, could you do me a buddy favor, and take marx to heaven for a couple months?"

Saint Anthony, being so nice, obviously accepts to take marx for two months.

The devil then proceeds to clean up hell. The two months pass.. then a third month, then a fourth. The devil hears no news from heaven, so he decides to call Saint Anthony.

"Yo saint Anthony! long time no see! Wassup? Everything allright in heaven?"

"Yea devi, everything is quite well, here!"

The devil gets suspicious:

" Yo, but like.. you have no strikes and all?"
" No devil, we do not".

Upon hearing this, the devil starts to get nervous:

"Okay... yo Saint anthony... and how about god?"

"GOD? GOD DOESN'T EXIST, HE IS AN INVENTION OF THE EXPLORING BURGEOUIS THAT EXPLORE THE PEOPLE OF HEAVEN".

There's a place full of political jokes. It's called Washington DC.

I hate political jokes. Too often, they get elected.

There's a place full of political jokes. It's called Washington DC.

I hate political jokes. Too often, they get elected.

Thats a good one.

That is f ing funny. Not many people would be able to make that connection.

And it wasn't Hemingway, it was Shakespeare.


Just kidding, I know it was Goethe

Huh?


Just kidding, I know it was Groucho Marx

The two saddest Political Jokes:


Republicans.

Democrats.

*digs deep in the box*

Back in WWII, two German soldier talk about what they will do after the war.
"I will make a cycling tour all around Greater Germany." - "And what will you do in the afternoon?"

I remember some Soviet jokes:

What doesn't vibrate and doesn't fit into an ass? - A Soviet anal vibrator.
In Soviet Russia, ass vibrates you!

http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/martin_rowson/2006/02/06/rowson512.jpg

http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/steve_bell/2005/12/02/camelove512.jpg
(on the iraqi withdrawl)

While we on old Soviet jokes,
Gorby meets Reagan in the US. Reagan asks Gorby if there's any humanitarian aid the US can give Russia. Gorby tells him, 'We need condoms! We have none and are suffering a massive population explosion!'
Reagan says, 'Yeah, I think that qualifies as humanitarian. How many do you need?'
Gorby replies with a smile, '10 million should be enough. Please make them 3" wide and 10" long'.
Later, Reagan calls up Durex and tells them, 'We need 10 million condoms for Russia, 10" long and 3" wide. Be sure to stamp the packets 'Made in the USA'. Oh, and while you're at it 'Small' on the other side.'

Damn Yanks stealing our Churchill jokes :mad:

:p

I found this quite funny:

http://www.vgcats.com/comics/images/060206.jpg

roflmfao!!! I just saw that like 10 seconds ago!!!

TASS: Yesterday, on the Soviet-Chinese border, Chinese soldiers disguised as peasants opened fire on a peaceful Soviet tractor. Our tractor returned fire, neutralized the intruders, and flew away.


i like the radio yerevan jokes.

Damn Yanks stealing our Churchill jokes :mad:

:p

I found this quite funny:

http://www.vgcats.com/comics/images/060206.jpg

Yes I agree, Damn Gringos

VGcats poons
so does Sam and Fuzzy

its from novemebr, but its still funny (same theme as the VG cats one)

http://www.samandfuzzy.com/archive.php?id=531

Bush is invited to talk with saddam about peace. They go to saddam's office and George is seated in front of saddam's desk. They start talking when saddam presses a button on his desk. A foot comes down and kicks Bush in the butt. He laughs it off and they continue. A few minutes later saddam presses another button. This time, a foot comes down and kicks Bush in the stomach. A little annoyed, he continues to talk, hoping saddam has had his fun. A few minutes later, saddam pushes a third button and a foot comes down and kicks Bush in the head. Outraged that this is still continuing, George yells, "Im sorry, but if you cant take this seriously, then there will be no peace! Im going back to America!" and leaves the office.

A few months later, saddam tries for another talk of peace, so Bush decides to have it in the White House this time. Saddam is seated in front of George's desk, and a few minutes into talking, Bush presses a button on his desk. Expecting a foot to come out and kick him, he jumps out of the way, but nothing happens. George giggles a little, but they continue. A few minutes later, George presses another button, and again saddam jumps out of the way, and again, nothing happens. At this, George laughs a bit, but they continue. A few minutes later, George presses a third button and again saddam jumps out of the way and nothing happens. At this, George is rolling on the floor laughing. Frustrated by this saddam yells, "Thats it! You keep pressing buttons but nothing happens, but you keep laughing. You cannot take things seriously, so Im going back to Iraq!". Bush stops laughing for a second, sits up, and says, "What Iraq?"

(im sure there are many like this)

:mp5: :mp5:

Poli - many
Tics - blood sucking insects

;)

Bush is invited to talk with saddam about peace. They go to saddam's office and George is seated in front of saddam's desk. They start talking when saddam presses a button on his desk. A foot comes down and kicks Bush in the butt. He laughs it off and they continue. A few minutes later saddam presses another button. This time, a foot comes down and kicks Bush in the stomach. A little annoyed, he continues to talk, hoping saddam has had his fun. A few minutes later, saddam pushes a third button and a foot comes down and kicks Bush in the head. Outraged that this is still continuing, George yells, "Im sorry, but if you cant take this seriously, then there will be no peace! Im going back to America!" and leaves the office.

A few months later, saddam tries for another talk of peace, so Bush decides to have it in the White House this time. Saddam is seated in front of George's desk, and a few minutes into talking, Bush presses a button on his desk. Expecting a foot to come out and kick him, he jumps out of the way, but nothing happens. George giggles a little, but they continue. A few minutes later, George presses another button, and again saddam jumps out of the way, and again, nothing happens. At this, George laughs a bit, but they continue. A few minutes later, George presses a third button and again saddam jumps out of the way and nothing happens. At this, George is rolling on the floor laughing. Frustrated by this saddam yells, "Thats it! You keep pressing buttons but nothing happens, but you keep laughing. You cannot take things seriously, so Im going back to Iraq!". Bush stops laughing for a second, sits up, and says, "What Iraq?"

(im sure there are many like this)

:mp5: :mp5:
yeah dude, there's one almost exactly like this on the second page.

democra. . . . .



cy!
you thought i was going to make a democrat joke!

more like republican

There's a place full of political jokes. It's called Washington DC.

I hate political jokes. Too often, they get elected.

I was going to post that one. :(

The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.

What do Hiroshima, Nagasaki, and Tehran have in common?

Nothing yet...
:D

http://borgman.enquirer.com/weekly/daily_html/2006/02/020906borgman.html

The biggest political joke of all - we keep electing them.

What do crabs and Osama have in common?

They both irritate bush.

Yes I did steal it from the "Tonight Show".

"Did you see what made this week's New York Times bestseller list for fiction? Did you see it? It was the New York Times." —David Letterman

Deep Kimchi wins the award for best, and might I add, most poignant and ironic joke of the thread.

Damn. And I was going to contribute a Chappaquiddick joke. Not much point now.

+Since most of these jokes are older than Eutrusca, why not drag out this hoary old chestnut?

One day George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
The Devil tells him, "I'm feeling generous and will let you choose your punishment."

In the first room was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of sewerage. He kept diving in and surfacing. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Saddam Hussein with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Osma Bin Laden, lying on the floor stark naked. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

For added effect, you might want to change the names to whomever you dislike.



Now I just have to wait for someone to do the ceiling fan/clock in heaven joke.

In the light of all the criticism that George Bush is an idiot, the Republicans decide to hold a "George Bush Is Not Stupid" convention. Eighty thousand Republicans meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium.

Dick Cheney says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that George Bush is not stupid. So ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce President George Bush."

After the cheers die down. Cheney says "Mr. President, we're going to prove to the world once and for all that you are not stupid. So tell us, what is 15 plus 15?"

Bush, after scrunching up his face and concentrating real hard for a moment, declares, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the 80,000 Republicans start cheering, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

Dick Cheney says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place, I guess we can do that." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds of chin-rubbing and grimacing, Bush meekly asks "Ninety?"

Cheney is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened.

But then Bush starts pouting and looks close to tears, and suddenly the 80,000 Republicans begin to yell and wave their hands, shouting again "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

Cheney, unsure whether he's doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

Bush looks down, counts on his fingers, and after a whole minute, proudly announces "Four."

A moment of total silence, then an electric charge surges through the stadium as pandemonium breaks out.

All 80,000 Republicans jump to their feet.

These GOP partisans start to wave their arms, stomp their feet and create a deafening roar:

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"


You wrote that one yourself. Admit it.

Not really a political joke, but funny non-the-less:

HANDY ARABIC PHRASES

A few handy Arabic phrases translated to English -- in case you're ever kidnapped by terrorists.

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.= Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT RAEH GUSH DIVAR.= I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FIKR TAMOMEH GEH GOFTEK BANDE.= I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARRAREGH DVATEMAN MAMO SEPAHEH-HAST.= It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHAVAREHMAN.= If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRKAHEY.= I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.

BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!= Whatever you say!

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GORBAN.= The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE GOYAST INO BERGERAM.= The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

BA BODENEH SHEERELL TEEGZ.= Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than to spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.

During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes. Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse. I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War. I lost my homes. I lost my health insurance. As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless. Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me. I will do anything to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House in 2008. Bush has to go.

Sincerely,

Saddam Hussein

Bill, Hillary Clinton and John Kerry are flying on Kerry’s wife’s private jet.

Bill looks at Hillary, chuckles and says, “You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy.”

Hillary shrugs her shoulders and says, “Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy.”

Kerry says, “Of course then, I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his co-pilot, ” Such bigshots back there … I could throw all of them out the window and make millions happy.”

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he goes to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he's told by the center's director that he's an acceptable candidate.

"That's great!" the executive says, "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."

"Yes, sir, it can," the director answers. "An ounce of accountant brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of economist brain costs two thousand; an ounce of corporate president is forty-five thousand and an ounce of Republican brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."

"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of Republican brain? Why on earth is that?"

"Do you have any idea," the director replies, "how many Republicans we would need to kill?"

Clever one, but i never did read anything of Hemingway?

Shakespeare.

It seems ironic just how many of these jokes are just simply retreads of old Polish jokes, with the words "Republican" or "Bush" substituted at the appropriate spots.

Shakespeare.
Wagglelance.

It seems ironic just how many of these jokes are just simply retreads of old Polish jokes, with the words "Republican" or "Bush" substituted at the appropriate spots.
Ironic?
Naw. Just lazy.

Q: What’s the difference between a puppy and a liberal?
A: Puppies stop whining after they grow up.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bea Arthur and a Raggedy Ann doll?
A: Maureen Dowd.

there were these three guys walkin down the beach: a black guy, hispanic guy, and a white guy. As they're walkin the white guy trips on a lamp, picks it up, and cleans it off. All of a sudden, *POOF*, Magical Joke Genie appears.

"Hey, thanks a lot for wakin me up. Now you three get a wish each," the genie tells them.

"OK," Hispanic guy says. "I wish for all my people to be wealthy and living in their homeland."

"Deal," genie says and hispanic guy disappears.

Then the black guy speaks up and says, "I wish for all my people to be free and back in Africa."

"Piece of cake," genie says, and the black guy disappears.

The white guy is mystified by this whole thing. He asks the genie, "So you mean to tell me that all the [racial epithet]'s and [racial epithet]'s are gone?"

"Sure do," genie tells him.

"Then I'll have a coke."

So George Bush is out for a morning jog when he sees this kid with a bunch of kittens. They look brand new and the Prez stops to ask the kid what's up with them.

"They're republican kittens," the boy tells the prez.

The prez laughed and thought that it was cute. He finished is run and, later that day, hid from important matters of state.

Weeks later he told Cheney and a few senators about the boy, and decided to go out for a morning run together to see if he would be there again. Sure enough, the boy was sitting there with his kittens.

"Hey," the prez called over to the boy, "What kind of kittens are those?"

the boy replied, "Their democrat kittens."

Everyone is laughing at the prez by now, and he goes over to the boy and asks, "But just a couple of weeks ago they were republican kittens."

"Right," the little boy said. "Now their eyes opened."

Russian joke:
Ленин показал, как можно управлять. Сталин показал, как нельзя управлять. Хрущев показал, что всякий дурак может управлять. Брежнев показал, что не всякий дурак может управлять.

Lenin showed us how to govern. Stalin showed us how not to govern. Khrushchev showed us that any fool can govern. And Brezhnev showed us that not every fool can govern.

Russian joke:
Ленин показал, как можно управлять. Сталин показал, как нельзя управлять. Хрущев показал, что всякий дурак может управлять. Брежнев показал, что не всякий дурак может управлять.

Lenin showed us how to govern. Stalin showed us how not to govern. Khrushchev showed us that any fool can govern. And Brezhnev showed us that not every fool can govern.

I always wanted to learn Russian.

George Bush visits an asylum. While there, he gives a stirring speech about how great he's made America, how good the economy is, his plans for saving the Muddle East and so on.

When he's finished everyone stands and applauds loudly except for one man standing off to one side.

'And why aren't you clapping?', demands George.

'I'm not a lunatic, I'm the hospital attendant!', the guy replies.

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is?
"Billy."
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have 3 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rings for recess.
George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Steve"
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the heck happened to Billy?"

Another one:

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a lightbulb?

The Answer is SEVEN: (1) One to deny that a lightbulb needs to be replaced, (2) one to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the lightbulb, (3) one to blame the previous administration for the need of a new lightbulb, (4) one to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of lightbulbs, (5) one to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a lightbulb, (6) one to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the lightbulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag, (7) and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a lightbulb and screwing the country.

What's the difference between socialism and capitalism?

Under capitalism one person exploits another person. Under socialism, it's the opposite.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian were sharing their opinions on what was happiness.

'Happiness is,' says the Englishman, 'when in the winter, after good hunting I come back home and with a glass of good brandy, I settle down in an armchair opposite a roaring fire.'

'For me happiness,' says the Frenchman, 'is when I'm in a good restaurant eating good food and drinking good wine in the company of a fine woman, and then - a night of passion.'

'How you understand happiness!' exclaims the Russian. 'For me happiness is when, after a wearisome workday, I come into my small room in my communal home, where I live together with my wife, my four children and the mother-in-law, we have nothing but beets for dinner and we have to all share the same bed for warmth because the electricity has been cut again.
Then during the night there is a loud knock at the door, and I open it, and there are three KGB agents standing there and they ask me "Are you citizen Paramonov?" and I answer them: "He's not here, Paramonov lives a floor above!" Now there is true happiness!'

In a middle east prison:

'How many years did you get?

'Twenty-five.'

'For what?'

'For nothing.'

'You're lying! For nothing they give you ten.'

Shakespeare.


Didn´t you hear the bells of irony?

What's the difference between a liberal and a conservative when it comes to lightbulbs? Liberals keep complaining how the lightbulbs need to be changed when they still have a couple dozen hours left. They constantly whine and moan and blame Bush for their disatisfaction. Conservatives keep talking about how the lightbulb is fine and doesn't need replacing even after it just blew. Liberals will piss you off because they always demand new lightbulbs. conservatives will piss you off because they won't let you change burnt out lightbulbs.

"The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it."
- P. J. O'Rourke

A guy walks into a bar and sees President Bush and a well dressed man in a suit talking. The man approaches the bar and asks a guy there if that is George Bush over there, the man replies 'Yeah, that's him'. The man comes up to the President and says 'So what are you guys talking about?', the suited man replying 'Were planning World War 3'. 'So what's gonna happen in it?' asks the now curious man, 'were going to kill 5 million arabs and a bicycle repairman' said Bush. 'A bicycle repairman?' asked the now confused man, excited Bush turned to his suited friend and said 'See I told you noone would care about the 5 million arabs'.

More Radio Yerevan jokes and another in this manner, but not radio news:

"This is Radio Yerevan. We tell you accurate time. It is a bit before twelve or a bit after twelve"

"We'll send one million troops to the left, second million to the right, and all our tanks to the middle!"
"All both Mr General?"

Chinese generals planning an operation:
"We'll move in small groups, two to three millions"

"Battle loses were two Americans and two hectares Chinese"


A joke from Poland, from times of communism:

The teacher during geography lesson asks children how would they find world's directions. Johny stands up:
"I'd go up a tree and look out for a railway!"
"And what would that do?", asks the teacher.
"If the train is long and full of stuff, it's going to the East!"


And one more joke. It can be offensive, because in the original version it involves Native Americans. We hadn't been having problems with such jokes due to lack of Native here in Poland:) If you feel offended, tell me or someone in power:)

A Chief gathers his tribe and starts to speak.
"We are great nation, aren't we?"
"YEEEE!!!!"
"So we should have nuclear weapons!"
"YEEEE!!!!"
Everyone started to work. People cut down the largest tree in the region with their small axes, made it hollow inside and filled with an exploding mixture of traditional tribal recipe.
"Where will we send it?"
"To Yerevan!"
"Why?"
"Because it's the only city we know!"
The Chief lights the fuse made of dry grass and the explosion smashes nearly whole tribe. The first to get up - lacking several legs and arms - is the Chief.
"OLOL OMFG WTF d'ya imagine what's going on IN YEREVAN?!?"

Politics: made up of poli meaning many, and tics small blood sucking creatures.

Also just for the hell of it:

What can't turn around in a hallway?
A baby with a javlin through its head. (this one always cracks me up >.<)

Politics: made up of poli meaning many, and tics small blood sucking creatures.

Also just for the hell of it:

What can't turn around in a hallway?
A baby with a javlin through its head. (this one always cracks me up >.<)
Hey! This is a political joke thread, so any baby jokes have to have the words Democrat or Republican in there somewhere.
Thus, your joke should have read:
What can't turn around in a hallway?
A Republican baby with a javlin through its head.

(or Democrat, whichever's funnier).

Get it right next time!

In a 2001 heroic dogfight fought over international waters off the mainland China coast, a 60s era American-built Lockheed Electra propeller airliner with 24 US Navy passengers/observers aboard chewed up one of China's best state-of-the-art supersonic fighter aircraft.

The Americans, utilizing the infrequently seen combat tactic of straight and level flight, often accomplished by relying solely on autopilot, engaged the unfortunate single seat combat jet and knocked it out of the air using only one of its four formidable propellers.

After the action, the crew and passengers/observers dropped in on China's Hainan Island Resort, for some much deserved R&R as guests of the Chinese government.

Deng Xiaoping is visiting the US. Tired of being shadowed by his entourage at all times, he decides to go for a walk on his own. This alarms his translators and bodyguards who fear that Mr. Deng will get into trouble since he does not speak any English. However, realizing that they cannot change his mind, they decide to at least prepare him in case he gets stopped by the police. "If you get stopped", they coached him, "they'll first ask for your surname and then they'll ask for your given name. Just tell them and everything will be fine". So Mr. Deng goes out and enjoys himself. A policeman recognizes him. Having heard that Mr. Deng prides himself in his knowledge of American history, he decides to start a conversation with an appropriate subject.

Policeman: Who was the first president of the U.S?

Mr. Deng: Wo xing Deng [我姓鄧: My surname is Deng]

Policeman: Yes, Washington. And what are you doing in the U.S?

Mr. Deng: Xiaoping [小平]

Policeman: Ah, shopping. Very good. Have nice day!.

Hey! This is a political joke thread, so any baby jokes have to have the words Democrat or Republican in there somewhere.

Q)What sits in a corner getting smaller and redder?

A)A baby democrat/baby republican (as per you personal preference) using a potatoe peeler for a comb.

Soon after the announcement that the Communist Party had chosen Chinese Vice President Hu Jintao as its new general secretary, playwright James Sherman wrote the following skit based on the Abbott and Costello's Who's on First classic.
(We take you now to the Oval Office where George W. is meeting with Condoleezza Rice)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yasser? Yasser Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yasser is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yasser?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the secretary-general of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yasser! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N.?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Here are some... enjoy.

Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

---

Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?
A: The Dodgers.

---

Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first?
A: Who cares!

---

Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?
A: "You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!


---

George Bushes, father Bush and son Bush, Bush, Jr., are on board a small two seater plane when suddenly George Senior, the pilot, parachutes out of the plane. Not knowing how to fly, National Guard Service or not, a plane George, Jr., grabs the radio.

"Mayday, mayday! My Dad just jumped out of the plane!"

Ground control receives the call for help and answers back:

"Your dad?"

"He left me here! Took the parachute!"

"Sir, your dad?"

"He's the pilot! Gosh!"

"Okay, don't worry, sir. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position."

"I'm over six feet and sitting in the front!"

----

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a passenger. The passenger happens to be George W Bush. (Why?} Maybe, he was on his way to check on the coca plant life in South America!") The masked gunman held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place."

The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the passenger's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

No one said a word, at first, then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator all brust into laughter. "He's George W Bush!" they laughed. "He doesn't have any brains!"

---

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.

"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."

"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

---

My four year old and I were discussing holidays, and I asked him, "What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?"

My husband quickly answered, "Election day."

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"

The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle.

Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. "Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

UNITED NATIONS, N.Y. (AP) - A report issued by the U.N. Information Office shows that Dutch has moved from 14th to 13th on the list of the world's most commonly spoken languages. The shift puts it just ahead of Malay and behind Tamil, a Hindu dialect. U.N. officials attributed the change to a previous error rather than to any significant growth in the number of people speaking the oddly lilting European tongue.

"The Lie-Clock"

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood
in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he
saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He
asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter
answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone
on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie
the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have
never moved, indicating that she never
told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock
is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's
Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only
two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus's office. He's using
it as a ceiling fan."

"The Lie-Clock"
snip
Yay!!!
Someone finally told the lie-clock joke. I've been waiting since page 2 for that!
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
So appreciative.
Again, thank you.

Three surgeons were in a bar talking. The subject of preferences came up.

Surgeon number 1 said. "I prefer operating on Germans. They're modular, simply remove the affected part and replace it with another."

Surgeon number 2 said. "I like operating on the Japanese. "They're color coded, you see. All you have to do is remove the affected part and replace it with a part of the same color."

Surgeon number 3 said. "I like operating on politicians best. They only have two moving parts, one at either end, and they're interchangeable."

Alright here's one. I don't know if its been posted already and I am way to lazy to go look over all of them...yet not lazy enough to not participate in actually posting...

A guy walks into a bar. Looks around and realizes that the bartender was a robot. So he takes his seat and the bartender asks what he'll have. He orders and the bartender makes it perfect. Then the bartender programmed asks the man what his IQ was. The man responded 150. The bartender talks to him about thermonuclear physics and quantam mechanics.
The man thinks to himself about how interseting this was. So he walks out and back in again. Once again the bartender makes the drink perfectly and asks the same question. This time the man responds 100. The bartender talks to him about football and other just daily happenings.
The man still ever curious leaves and enters again. Once again he gets a perfect drink and asks the question yet again. This time he responds 50. The bartender then goes "So you going to vote for Bush again?"

http://www.adl.org/main_Arab_World/arab_media_portrayal_jews.htm

Curitsy of Islamic new agencies before and during recent events... Which is why I find this entire situation almost laughable if it wasn't so sad.