NationStates Jolt Archive

Because I somehow feel like one.

A few months ago, one of my grandfathers died, my father's father. I have had virtually no contact with that side of my family since I brought my father to court in an attempt to get him to pay my mother and my brothers the allimony they are entitled to (not a complete success, but at least he agreed on paying something. Not a tenth of what we were entitled to, but enough to survive on, so we settled at that, with me being sort of "forever banned" for starting legal action), and I wasn't ever close to my grandfather anyway. He was just this grumpy, slithly dangerous old man sitting in his armchair and occasionally slapping you if you dared disturb him while reading the paper. But despite all that, I somehow had assumed that I would feel something when he died... I didn't. I was neither happy nor sad about it, I even somehow felt it didn't concern me at all.

Today, my mother called me and told me that one of my uncles died. One of the brothers of my father. And again, I just couldn't care less. Again, I didn't have anything like a close relationship to this person, albeit a little closer than to my grandfather. I knew he was sick, he had been a chronic alcoholic for most of his life and eventually died of liver failure.

I still don't feel a thing, and my conscience tells me I should.... :(

Relax, and read Albert Camus' "The Stranger".

I think it's because of the general conditioning that there is which states that you should love your family and miss them when they're gone and whatnot. But that seems silly to me, if you don't have a relationship with that person, why should you necessarily feel something that they're gone, even if they're your grandfather or uncle? I don't believe that people are entitled to being missed when they're gone, and that includes relatives.
So in short, no, you're not a monster.

It's perfectly normal. You have no emotional attachment to those people.

You wouldn't be crying every second of every day for every person that dies somewhere in the world... right?

PS: I hate social pressure

i had the same when some (not amazingly close but still friends... one of them since i was about 4) friends died a couple of years back. i didn't feel anything at all - no remorse, no sadness, no nothing.
i think it was partly depression, but still my concience says i should have felt something.

i don't have an answer for you i'm afraid... just letting you know that you're not the only one

PS: I hate social pressure
It's true, no-one is under any obligation to feel anything. Or pretend, for that matter.

No you are not a monster. I didn't feel a lot of sadness when my sister died. We never got along very well and I was never close to her. Don't worry about your lack of sadness toward the death of family members you were never close to.

Because I somehow feel like one.

A few months ago, one of my grandfathers died, my father's father. I have had virtually no contact with that side of my family since I brought my father to court in an attempt to get him to pay my mother and my brothers the allimony they are entitled to (not a complete success, but at least he agreed on paying something. Not a tenth of what we were entitled to, but enough to survive on, so we settled at that, with me being sort of "forever banned" for starting legal action), and I wasn't ever close to my grandfather anyway. He was just this grumpy, slithly dangerous old man sitting in his armchair and occasionally slapping you if you dared disturb him while reading the paper. But despite all that, I somehow had assumed that I would feel something when he died... I didn't. I was neither happy nor sad about it, I even somehow felt it didn't concern me at all.

Today, my mother called me and told me that one of my uncles died. One of the brothers of my father. And again, I just couldn't care less. Again, I didn't have anything like a close relationship to this person, albeit a little closer than to my grandfather. I knew he was sick, he had been a chronic alcoholic for most of his life and eventually died of liver failure.

I still don't feel a thing, and my conscience tells me I should.... :(

Feeling bad is caused primarily by a sense of loss, AFAIK. If you didn't lose anything, you won't feel much.

So you feel bad about not feeling bad about the death of people who, while you were related to them, had no real connection to you: at least one of whom might have been neglectful, if not abusive, towards you? I'd say you're normal

Check back if you have the same response if someone you love dies.

Relax, and read Albert Camus' "The Stranger".

I loved that book!

Oh, and kinda the same thing happened to me, me grandfather died, I felt sad, but not hwo you should feel when someone's died, I just didn't know him well enough.

I don't view that as a problem at all. My grandfather, on my father's side, died not quite a month ago; I saw him at least thre times a year and he was a very kind man and I felt nothing resembling emotional pain when he died. I can't speak for you, but for myself I think my rationality prevents from feeling pain over these things since I simply acknowledge that everyone dies eventually and that it is irrational to view the death of an elderly man as tragic. But by the same token I have been often times criticized for being "cold" or some variant of that.

your self tried to explain me once, that even in a family are different kind of relationships...so you are not a monster..or should i hate my father ???
In your way of life i have no reason...but...of course i do...

I'm going to say yes just to be facetious and because I didn't really feel anything when my father's father died and I was much closer to him than you seem to have been to your grandfather, and since I know for sure I'm a monstrous monster, you must be too.

WELCOME!!! Come give us a hug!

It's normal. It doesn't feel normal but it is. I have that, even when I find out someone I care about has died, I go through this feeling of no emotion, sometimes it takes me weeks to cry about it, other times I never cry at all. I feel bad about it, but my therapist says that it's absolutly normal and there is no reason why everyone has to react the way they think they should (by crying ect.) based on what they are "supposed" to do. It's not that you are a monster, it's just that you are different. Some people go through the entire "drama" of screaming and crying and being hurt and angry, and some reflect quietly on what has happened. Everything is okay, nobody is wrong or right, we are all just different. ;)

Sounds normal to me, and everyone else pretty much explained it.

You felt no remorse for the loss of a son of an asshole.

And you didn't really know the guy, anyway.

You were even practically banned from interacting with his family.


I wouldn't feel remorse either.

Well, if you were in such bad terms with them, I can understand it. Being of the same family, in itself, isn't sufficient to create emotional ties. You need to see the members of your family regularly and be in good terms with them for that.

So if it may confort you, I don't think you're a monster. :)

But it's sad when families are divised like yours... I imagine it must have been hard for you... I wish you a better future, and good luck ! ;)

Everything is okay, nobody is wrong or right, we are all just different. ;)

But my spiritual advisor, Red Bear, told me that my lack of emotion indicated that I'm out of touch with my soul and that I'll never be happy (and what I believed to be happiness was not happiness) unless I changed my life.

But my spiritual advisor, Red Bear, told me that my lack of emotion indicated that I'm out of touch with my soul and that I'll never be happy (and what I believed to be happiness was not happiness) unless I changed my life.
Yeah, but at least the lack of emotion means you won't feel sad or unhappy, or angry. You can tell him that. Then introduce him to your line of products guaranteed to increase un-emotioness.

But my spiritual advisor, Red Bear, told me that my lack of emotion indicated that I'm out of touch with my soul and that I'll never be happy (and what I believed to be happiness was not happiness) unless I changed my life.

My spiritual advisor, Blue Berry, said you're not a monster, only a normal guy with a normal reaction towards an offensive person with whom you only happened to share some DNA.

It could be worse. I was fairly close to my grandmother, my mother's mother (stupid english..), and when she died I hardly felt anything. I didn't shed a tear at her funeral, and I quite honestly got bored and just wanted to eat. I was only 9 at the time, so guess how I felt about it.

When my parents got my dog put down last year, I got very emotional on the other hand.

Well, yes. I somehow realise that there was no emotional connection to these people and that this is the reason why I'm not the least bit affected by their deaths.
And yet these people were very dominant figures in my childhood. So I think had they died 10 years ago, I would have felt something about it. Like this, I seem to be too far removed from this awful time to actually care.

Hullepupp, you know that I'm not very concerned about family generally, and that I personally do hate my father. I wasn't aware how much I had projected that onto his family, although in hindsight, it's hardly surprising. It's not so much the fact that they are genetically related to me, it's more the fact that they used to form part of my reality, and now they're gone. It's an odd sensation...

You're not a monster, you just don't care about people who don't matter to you. You didn't kill him (you didn't, did you?) and that is all the concern that some random person with whom you don't have a relationship deserves.

You're not a monster, you just don't care about people who don't matter to you. You didn't kill him (you didn't, did you?) and that is all the concern that some random person with whom you don't have a relationship deserves.

*lol

I didn't. I did contemplate killing my father a number of times, but I never had much of a grudge against my grandfather or my uncle.

Na, monsters are usually known to eat small children and I hear they live in caves. So unless you do either of those, then no, you're not a monster.

you are definatly not a monster. You knew who they were...no reason to feel sad. Hell, even if you had a close relationship, you don't have to feel anything in particular, or at all even. Your emotions are your own. No one ever has the right to tell you you are wrong or should feel otherwise. And if they do, send me their names;)

I didn't feel anything when my one great grandmother died. I hadn't seen her for 10 years beforehand. She had a bad relationship with my grandma, my dad didn't go to her funeral (he'd never considered her much of a grandmother) if she hadn't been a crazy bitchy woman, I would say it was a shame I didn't get to know her better.

It is normal to feel little or nothing when people you have only small attachment to pass away. It is also possible that you will experience additional emotion at a later point when your mind has pieced it all together. I have had delayed emotions the times that I didn't make it to the funeral, and didn't interact with any mourners. If you really weren't at all close to either your grandfather or your uncle the only thing you might feel is sympathy for those that were close. You don't seem like a monster to me.

I know how you feel, except that I don't have a problem with it. Actually, today's obsession with compassion is ridiculous. We have reached a point where people think that the act of feeling sadness is somehow good for us. Many think it is importantto feel sadness just for the sake of it, bcause "it's a healthy reaction". Pointless sadness is one of the seven deadly sins (although I don'ät believe in them).

Well...
My Dad was an Alcoholic paranoid guy, him and my mums relationship went down hill after he tried to hit her with his car.
(Twitches)
Still, you musnt hate your father.
(Borrows NAZI story)
There was a man who despised his father soooo much, he devoted his life to hating him.
When his mother died, he didnt shed a tear.
But on the deathbed of his father he wept and wept, for his hate had nowhere else to go.
Nipples.

Pointless sadness is one of the seven deadly sins (although I don'ät believe in them).
Pride, envy, lust, gluttony, wrath, greed, sloth; none of which are very sadening.
The opposing virtues, on the other hand (humility, kindness, chastity, abstinence, patience, liberality, diligence), seem pretty goddamn depressing if that's all you've got to live by.

You should read an article called "An Introduction to Apathy: How to stop caring"

But my spiritual advisor, Red Bear, told me that my lack of emotion indicated that I'm out of touch with my soul and that I'll never be happy (and what I believed to be happiness was not happiness) unless I changed my life.

Your spiritual advisor needs to examine his own beliefs... HE is out of touch with reality if he thinks you should be trying to manufacture emotion for someone that you had no feelings for when he was alive just because he is now dead.

I would say the fact that this bothers you at all indicates that you are in touch with your soul.

Sometimes happiness is simply avoiding unhappiness, which, it seems, you are doing just fine with. Stop worrying about it, and go on with your life.

Simply there is no right way to feel when someone dies, You feel how you feel and that's it. What's normal is what you normally feel when someone dies, not how other people feel, not how you think you should feel.

In a word, no, you are not.

...

Although that was four words.

Because I somehow feel like one.

A few months ago, one of my grandfathers died, my father's father. I have had virtually no contact with that side of my family since I brought my father to court in an attempt to get him to pay my mother and my brothers the allimony they are entitled to (not a complete success, but at least he agreed on paying something. Not a tenth of what we were entitled to, but enough to survive on, so we settled at that, with me being sort of "forever banned" for starting legal action), and I wasn't ever close to my grandfather anyway. He was just this grumpy, slithly dangerous old man sitting in his armchair and occasionally slapping you if you dared disturb him while reading the paper. But despite all that, I somehow had assumed that I would feel something when he died... I didn't. I was neither happy nor sad about it, I even somehow felt it didn't concern me at all.

Today, my mother called me and told me that one of my uncles died. One of the brothers of my father. And again, I just couldn't care less. Again, I didn't have anything like a close relationship to this person, albeit a little closer than to my grandfather. I knew he was sick, he had been a chronic alcoholic for most of his life and eventually died of liver failure.

I still don't feel a thing, and my conscience tells me I should.... :(
nah, dude. You have no obligation to feel bad for people you either didn't know or who treated you badly.

I loved that book!

Oh, and kinda the same thing happened to me, me grandfather died, I felt sad, but not hwo you should feel when someone's died, I just didn't know him well enough.


I think I know how you feel. When my grandmother died, I was a bit sad, but that's all. I was never very close to her.

you don't have to feel anything in particular, or at all even. Your emotions are your own. No one ever has the right to tell you you are wrong or should feel otherwise

Damn right. I especially hate it when people try to emotionally manipulate me. It really gets me angry.

You should read an article called "An Introduction to Apathy: How to stop caring"
I wanted to read it but what for?

I didn't really care much when my grandfather died a few years ago. He wasn't a bad guy, he just never really paid that much attention to us. He visited briefly at most once a year, and he sent a boxful of Christmas presents, and occational pictures. That was about it. Yours sounds a lot worse than that, and I think it'd be odd if you were really upset about it.

Pride, envy, lust, gluttony, wrath, greed, sloth; none of which are very sadening.
The opposing virtues, on the other hand (humility, kindness, chastity, abstinence, patience, liberality, diligence), seem pretty goddamn depressing if that's all you've got to live by.

How about love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control... can't be so bad if you start off with love.

It's perfectly normal. You have no emotional attachment to those people.

You wouldn't be crying every second of every day for every person that dies somewhere in the world... right?

PS: I hate social pressure

Very intelligent comment, I couldn't agree more. It is one of those things that is 100% beyond your control, if you were closer to this person, that wouldnt have helped keep them from dying, and by no means should you feel bad for your lack of sadness about their death. If one day you decide you want to know more, or want to talk to someone about it, you always have that option with that part of your family, but for now, this may be the best course of action for you...

When my father died the only thing I felt was an obligation to go to his memorial service.

We had been out of touch for several years and before that he had 1. stolen money from me, 2. tried to molest me, 3. tried to molest my best friend,
4. been unfaithful to my mother, 5. refused to acknowledge the existence of his granddaughter (my daughter) because I didn't send him a birth announcement (I was a little busy at the time).

I went to his service, not for him, but for my brother and sister.

If you're a monster, so am I.

Because I somehow feel like one.

A few months ago, one of my grandfathers died, my father's father. I have had virtually no contact with that side of my family since I brought my father to court in an attempt to get him to pay my mother and my brothers the allimony they are entitled to (not a complete success, but at least he agreed on paying something. Not a tenth of what we were entitled to, but enough to survive on, so we settled at that, with me being sort of "forever banned" for starting legal action), and I wasn't ever close to my grandfather anyway. He was just this grumpy, slithly dangerous old man sitting in his armchair and occasionally slapping you if you dared disturb him while reading the paper. But despite all that, I somehow had assumed that I would feel something when he died... I didn't. I was neither happy nor sad about it, I even somehow felt it didn't concern me at all.

Today, my mother called me and told me that one of my uncles died. One of the brothers of my father. And again, I just couldn't care less. Again, I didn't have anything like a close relationship to this person, albeit a little closer than to my grandfather. I knew he was sick, he had been a chronic alcoholic for most of his life and eventually died of liver failure.

I still don't feel a thing, and my conscience tells me I should.... :(No you are not. :fluffle:

Am I a monster?
Yes you are.
This one:
http://www.johnnygoodtimes.com/archives/cookie%20(Custom).jpg

Considering what you told us in your opening post, I don't blame you for feeling nothing at the loss of your grandfather and uncle. Frankly, after the hostility I have toward my mother, I don't think I'll feel much of anything should she die before I do. And I'm not going to sweat it for a second.

I still don't feel a thing, and my conscience tells me I should.... :(Bitch slap your concscience to make it behave and get on with life.

There is nothing wrong with you and you're not acting abnormally.

Today, my mother called me and told me that one of my uncles died. One of the brothers of my father. And again, I just couldn't care less. Again, I didn't have anything like a close relationship to this person, albeit a little closer than to my grandfather. I knew he was sick, he had been a chronic alcoholic for most of his life and eventually died of liver failure.

I still don't feel a thing, and my conscience tells me I should.... :([/QUOTE]

relax my friend you're no monster we all have our own reactions don't chew yourself up over something you feel you should feel. If you dont you dont simple as that doesnt make you a monster though.

I still don't feel a thing, and my conscience tells me I should.... :(

That alone -not even taking into account there is no reason to feel something in this case IMO- should tell you you are not a monster. Otherwise you would simply dismiss the conscience.

If anything, you are a tad bit too good for this life.

I certainly wouldnt label you a monster on either of the instances you gave- it would be different if you had a positive relationship or familiarity with either and you were emotionless when passed, but it sounds like the two you described were worse than strangers- blood relatives that somehow couldnt have any type of meaningful relationship with you.

I would expect you to feel the same way I do right now in hearing about there deaths. I dont wish them dead, but their passings are meaningless to me.

Because I somehow feel like one.

I still don't feel a thing, and my conscience tells me I should.... :(
Tell your conscience to STFU. It's perfectly normal to not feel anything when someone dies, although it's also perfectly normal to grieve when you were relatively close to them. My grandparents raised me and I loved them both dearly, yet when my step-mother told me my grandmother had died, I felt virtually nothing. It's not a matter of "guilt," it's just the way emotions work sometimes.

BTW ... you are a "monster," but it has nothing to do with a lack of grieving. ;)

<snip>

BTW ... you are a "monster," but it has nothing to do with a lack of grieving. ;)

Well, I sure look like one :p ;)