NationStates Jolt Archive

I just made my contribution to the BCRF in memory of Zooke ( Sandy ) and it's bothering me ... a LOT! :(

Please?

http://edition.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/meast/02/04/syria.cartoon.ap/index.html

That's pretty funny.

I'm sure it made Zooke very happy. Think of her as a bird released from a cage. I will go find the exact quote and post it here.

In the time of sleep this body is as though dead; it does not see nor hear, it does not feel, it has no consciousness, no perception: that is to say, the powers of man have become inactive, but the spirit lives and subsists. Nay, its penetration is increased, its flight is higher, and its intelligence is greater. To consider that after the death of the body the spirit perishes, is like imagining that a bird in a cage will be destroyed if the cage is broken, though the bird has nothing to fear from the destruction of the cage. Our body is like the cage, and the spirit is like the bird. We see that without the cage this bird flies in the world of sleep; therefore if the cage becomes broken, the bird will continue and exist: its feelings will be even more powerful, its perceptions greater, and its happiness increased. In truth, from hell it reaches a paradise of delights, because for the thankful birds there is no paradise greater than freedom from the cage. That is why with utmost joy and happiness the martyrs hasten to the plain of sacrifice.

(Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith - Abdu'l-Baha Section, p. 326)

From the Darwin Awards.

Although this contestant did not kill himself (this time), we expect to be amused with the details of his demise in the near future. This man was injured in an accident and was therefore required to fill out an insurance claim form. As the cause of the accident, he put "poor planning." When the insurance company contacted him and asked for additional information, this was his response:

"You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following details are sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work I discovered that I had, over the course of many trips up the tower, brought up some 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which was fortunately attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.

"Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the barrel. You will note in Block Number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.

Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in Block Number 11.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations on my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me down enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I'm sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope and..."

I got this in email this morning, it made me laugh........hope it helps (although I doubt it will :()

Things to do to prepare for cat/kitten ownership
1. Set your favourite three sweaters on your bed, and then use a small knife to shred them.

1b. Scold yourself. Shred the couch in revenge for being scolded.

2. Put a bowling ball in the exact center of the bed (and/or directly in your pillow). Try to get comfortable.

3. Take a nap. Get a friend to smack you in the face with a feather duster every time it looks like you're starting to fall asleep.

4. Get a recording of a cat meowing incessantly. Set it as your alarm. Set the alarm for 3am.

5. Buy a bag of tinsel, feathers, or anything that will act similarly to hair. Spread it over every surface you own.

6. Have a friend or loved one sink needles into your flesh at random intervals. Once you are used to this, have them do it while hugging and cuddling. Make sure they know to do this while you are on the phone

7. Ask a neighbor to knock on your door randomly at all hours of the day and night. When you answer the door, have the neighbor think for several minutes about which side of the door he wants to be on. Have the neighbor repeat this process with every door in the house in a random sequence.

8. Buy a cat-sized stuffed animal and fill it with lead pellets. Now learn to read ten-point type through it.

9. Have a friend come in and vomit randomly on the carpet about once a week. If your floors are hardwood, have him vomit on the furniture or on any available papers or books.

9b. If there are no papers or books on the floor, have the roommate pull some down. If the roommate lacks vomit, any bodily substance will do. The more unidentifiable, the better.

10. When you can deal with #9, acquire a roommate who will only use the toilet if it is perfectly clean. Clean the toilet. Then try to teach the roommate that sitting on the toilet with your butt hanging off the edge is not sufficient, without also teaching the roommate that the toilet is to be feared.

10b. If 10 is not challenging enough, acquire a roommate who decides that the proper place for the toilet is located in randomly-generated locations throughout the house. Become just psychic enough to move the toilet BEFORE the roommate decides to demonstrate this. This takes practice.

11. If you can manage it, get a friend who tries to steal food from you at every opportunity, who will dig through cinderblock to lick a greasy plate, and who also preferentially drinks out of the toilet and clean teacups, in that order. Have this friend refuse to eat or drink anything from a container designated for his use without first splashing it out of the cup or picking up the food and moving it onto the floor.

12. Learn to wheedle. You will need this to get the cat to come inside, go outside, pee in the box, eat, drink, sit in your lap, and stop attacking your feet. Practice this skill on very small, angry children who do not speak your language. Better yet, become telepathic.

13. A friend who hunts is an invaluable asset. Have him occasionally and without warning present you with various forms of wildlife, both live and dead, whole and half-devoured. Practice thanking the friend for his gifts wholeheartedly until the sight of viscera is genuinely endearing.

14. Take a small and muscular monkey, tie sharp objects to its extremeties, and then take it in to have its shots. When you can do this with only two assistants, you are ready to have a kitten.

15. Learn to "see" objects in a pitch-black room by finding them with your bare feet. Use an assortment of wadded-up, wet tissues, and old tee shirts sprinkled with thumbtacks. This is useful for avoiding hairballs and other biological deposits, and also for avoiding stepping on the cats themselves.

16. The value of a voyeuristic roommate who enjoys staring at you while you are having sex with yourself or anyone else is not to be underestimated. Bonus points if the roommate seems horrified and/or repulsed by what is going on, yet will cry if you force him out of the room.

16b. A roommate who is sneakier than an invisible ninja is ideal for those who have mastered the basics of 16. If you can somehow wrangle a real pervert, get one who enjoys attacking feet, or unexpectedly jabbing whoever is on top in the bum with a fondue fork.

17. Also, the value of a roommate who cannot stand the sight of a closed door of any kind is not to be denied. Have him stand on the other side and meow repeatedly. When this does not work, allow him to drag his fondue forks over the door while screaming pitifully. Once inside, make sure he engages in several of the other fine activities on this list. Four or more is ideal. Put roommate out. Begin again.

18. Knocking things over by yourself is pointless and dull. Pay someone to do this for you. Preferably someone with experience assessing the value of bric-a-brac. Have them do this at 3 a.m., preferably in such a way as to make it very difficult to tell what the sound actually was.

19. Throw your kitchen garbage directly onto the floor. Learn to like it that way. Once you've done this, start with the bathroom garbage. A cat will eventually decide that your embarrassing toilet trash needs to be displayed to the world. If you are a woman, you can be certain this will happen during Shark Week. Probably in front of your date.

20. Ask the person you love most to utterly ignore your existence for a week. If you can do this, while simultaneously managing items 1-20, you will then be ready for a cat

I'm sure it made Zooke very happy. Think of her as a bird released from a cage. I will go find the exact quote and post it here.

In the time of sleep this body is as though dead; it does not see nor hear, it does not feel, it has no consciousness, no perception: that is to say, the powers of man have become inactive, but the spirit lives and subsists. Nay, its penetration is increased, its flight is higher, and its intelligence is greater. To consider that after the death of the body the spirit perishes, is like imagining that a bird in a cage will be destroyed if the cage is broken, though the bird has nothing to fear from the destruction of the cage. Our body is like the cage, and the spirit is like the bird. We see that without the cage this bird flies in the world of sleep; therefore if the cage becomes broken, the bird will continue and exist: its feelings will be even more powerful, its perceptions greater, and its happiness increased. In truth, from hell it reaches a paradise of delights, because for the thankful birds there is no paradise greater than freedom from the cage. That is why with utmost joy and happiness the martyrs hasten to the plain of sacrifice.

(Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith - Abdu'l-Baha Section, p. 326)
That's beautiful! Truly. Thank you! :)

I just made my contribution to the BCRF in memory of Zooke ( Sandy ) and it's bothering me ... a LOT! :(
i could second that plea... jumping between really low and oddly fine myself right now.

http://edition.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/meast/02/04/syria.cartoon.ap/index.html

That's pretty funny.
... or sad, depending upon how you look at it. My hat's off to the Danes and others for sticking to their support for freedom of speech.

From the Darwin Awards.

Although this contestant did not kill himself (this time), we expect to be amused with the details of his demise in the near future. This man was injured in an accident and was therefore required to fill out an insurance claim form. As the cause of the accident, he put "poor planning." When the insurance company contacted him and asked for additional information, this was his response:
Heh! That one never fails to amuse. :)

... or sad, depending upon how you look at it. My hat's off to the Danes and others for sticking to their support for freedom of speech.

Let's not start a debate, but, sticking up for freedom for speech? Ha!

Anyway, hope you find something funny.

more if you need them.

STATE OF MICHIGAN
Reply to: GRAND RAPIDS DISTRICT OFFICE STATE OFFICE BUILDING 6TH FLOOR
350 OTTAWA NW GRAND RAPIDS MI 49503-2341
JOHN ENGLER, Governor
DEPARTMENT OF ENVIRONMENTAL QUALITY
HOLLISTER BUILDING, PO BOX 30473, LANSING MI 48909-7973
INTERNET: http://www.deq.state.mi
RUSSELL J. HARDING, Director

December 17, 1997

CERTIFIED

Mr. Ryan DeVries 2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339

Dear Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files show that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris dams and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request, or any further unauthorized activity on the site, may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division

and the reply sent.
Dear Mr. Price:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorize, their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is: are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.

My first concern is - aren't the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names. If you want the dam stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - contact the dam beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) - be sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first.

As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers - be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this dam State - I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy, or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green, and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy Spring Pond. So, as far as I and the beavers are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem: bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Sincerely,
Stephen L. Tvedten

I got this in email this morning, it made me laugh........hope it helps (although I doubt it will :()

Things to do to prepare for cat/kitten ownership
Hehehe! Someone obviously knows cats! :D

That's beautiful! Truly. Thank you! :)

I hope it made you smile and laugh. Find my earlier Pancakes and Prayer post you are invited too. ;)

I gotta go help my wife with Baha'i childrens class. We have nine little kids coming none of them ours or even children of Baha'i parents. That makes me smile and laugh. I bet Sandy too.

i could second that plea... jumping between really low and oddly fine myself right now.
I know the feeling, my man. :fluffle:

more if you need them.

and the reply sent.
LOL! I greatly admire Mr. Stephen L. Tvedten, although his spelling of the repeatedly used word "dam" could do with some work. :D

I hope it made you smile and laugh. Find my earlier Pancakes and Prayer post you are invited too. ;)

I gotta go help my wife with Baha'i childrens class. We have nine little kids coming none of them ours or even children of Baha'i parents. That makes me smile and laugh. I bet Sandy too.
I agree. I'm sure you and your wife do an excellent job. Many thanks! :)

LOL! I greatly admire Mr. Stephen L. Tvedten, although his spelling of the repeatedly used word "dam" could do with some work. :D
but that's how dam is supposed to be spelled...


need more?

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/44892
Ahh..The Onion. Always good for a quick laugh.

but that's how dam is supposed to be spelled...

need more?
"Dam" =/= "damn."

Got more?? :)

Let me see what I can do. How about a song? Or a story. Let me try my hand...

Tell me a song to parody, Eut, any song.

From the Darwin Awards.

<snip> That's a darwin award? Sounds suspiciously like an old Victor Borge sketch - with a barrel full of tools instead of bricks. His 'phonetic punctuation' is another good one. Linky (http://www.kor.dk/borge/b-mus-1.htm)

Let me see what I can do. How about a song? Or a story. Let me try my hand...

Tell me a song to parody, Eut, any song.
Uh ... Highway to Hell? :)

Uh ... Highway to Hell? :)
Let me see what I can do with that. *gets to work*

Ask and yea shall receive.
(April 1999, South Africa) In South Africa, car-jacking has become popular in recent years. The South African law has lenient provisions for self defence, and allows "lethal action" if someone's personal property is in danger. Citizens are inventive in creating martial security systems for their cars. Poison gas, acid showers, flamethrowers and automatic gunfire are not unknown.
One such security system relied upon an airbag installed in the car roof. If a driver sat down without disabling the mechanism, the airbag would inflate and hit the victim atop his head
with a force strong enough to render him unconscious.
And that is exactly what happened to Pieter Niewoudt, who, armed with a pistol, attempted to steal this vehicle. When the airbag exploded, he thought that someone was shooting at him, and he instinctively fired the pistol twice. Unfortunately for him, his gun was still in his pocket at the time.

One bullet hit his knee, and the other lodged in the base of his penis. The consequences of his injuries may include sterility, making him a contender for the 1999 Darwin Award.

Ask and yea shall receive.
LOL! Death by airbag! :D

http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c144/slicknick727/relax3rh.jpg

http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c144/slicknick727/pigeonattack9dv.jpg

http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c144/slicknick727/monkey_love.jpg

That's a darwin award? Sounds suspiciously like an old Victor Borge sketch - with a barrel full of tools instead of bricks. His 'phonetic punctuation' is another good one. Linky (http://www.kor.dk/borge/b-mus-1.htm)
I first read it on the darwin Award site.bricklayer (http://DarwinAwards.com/legends/legends1998-08.html?email)

I first read it on the darwin Award site.bricklayer (http://DarwinAwards.com/legends/legends1998-08.html?email)
Hmm, following some of those links suggests that it dates from the 1920's. I'll admit it could be an urban legend told by Victor Borge, but his vocal style lends itself so well to the tale, I'm inclined to believe he wrote it, possibly around that time. Meh, no matter.

as for songs... here's one about a very famous crew.

Banned From Argo
Copyright © 1977 by Leslie Fish
Copyright assigned to Random Factors
Lyrics posted by permission

verse tune trad, "Boston Burglar"

When we pulled into Argo Port in need of R&R,
The crew set out investigating every joint and bar.
We had high expectations of their hospitality,
But found too late it wasn't geared for spacers such as we.


Chorus: And we're banned from Argo, everyone.
Banned from Argo, just for having a little fun.
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just three days or four,
But Argo doesn't want us any more.

The Captain's tastes were simple, but his methods were complex.
We found him with five partners, each of a different world and sex.
The Shore Police were on the way-we had no second chance.
We beamed him up in the nick of time-and the remnants of his pants.

Chorus:

Our Engineer would yield to none at putting down the brew;
He out-drank seven space marines and a demolition crew.
The Navigator didn't win, but he out-drank almost all,
And now they've got a shuttlecraft on the roof of City Hall.

Chorus:

Our proper, cool First Officer was drugged with something green,
And hauled into an alley, where he suffered things obscene.
He sobered up in Sickbay and he's none the worse for wear,
Except he's somehow taught the bridge computer how to swear.

Chorus:

The Head Nurse disappeared awhile in the major Dope Bazaar,
Buying an odd green potion "guaranteed to cause Pon-Farr."
She came home with no uniform and an oddly cheerful heart,
And a painful way of walking-with her feet a yard apart.

Chorus:

Our lady of Communications won a ship-wide bet
By getting into the planet's main communications net.
Now every time someone calls up on an Argo telescreen,
The flesh is there, but the clothes they wear are nowhere to be seen.

Chorus:

Our Doctor loves Humanity; his private life is quiet.
The Shore Police arrested him for inciting whores to riot.
We found him in the city jail, locked on and beamed him free-
Intact except for hickeys and six kinds of VD.

Chorus:

Our Helmsman loves exotic plants; the plants all love him too.
He took some down on leave with him and we wondered what they'd do,
'Til the planetary governor called and swore upon his life
That a gang of plants entwined his house and then seduced his wife!

Chorus:

A gang of pirates landed, and nobody seemed to care.
They stamped into the nearest bar to announce that they were there.
Half our crew was busy there, and invited them to play,
But the pirates only looked at us, and turned and ran away.

Chorus:

Our crew is Starfleet's finest, and our record is our pride.
And when we play we tend to leave a trail a mile wide.
We're sorry about the wreckage and the riots and the fuss;
At least we're sure that planet won't be quick forgetting us!

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