NationStates Jolt Archive

I'm very drunk and still coming down from my scary experiences (see rant in other post) and the only thing keeping me sane is the music i'm listening to...

so i have to ask...is anyone on here aware of Half Man, Half Biscuit, and if so, want to go see them next time they play?

"We were just sitting listening to music, drinking tea, talking about Bonnie Prince Billy and the Palace Brothers, when all of a sudden the room fills with a harsh brightness and in comes my sister from Cream and she starts chanting 'shit band, no fans, shit band no fans'...well, i'm just about to defend our corner when her mate Natalie at the back pipes up with 'yeah, the windy minimalism of that last track recalls some of their Bradford isolationist period'. Thoroughly defeated i retired upstairs to bed, left them to it....however, step forward three years...into my secret hayloft shot with shafts of afternoon sunlight...Brendan's changed his name to Frederick Metronome...did you see me, being escorted around the ground, Motorola in the pocket of my Wampum jeans, over the amber continental, i made a comic bid for freedom.

There are a million retired liberals watching 'Countdown'. And in the adverts they close their eyes and go to Umbria with Carol...oh Carol...Oh Carol. And they subscribe to the 'Erotic Review' because it's broadsheet acceptable..and they can read it in bed with their partners and perhaps try out suggested oils...ah, but they still feel the need to board an EasyJet to Amsterdam now and again...Because you can't get 'Teenage Eskimo' in Wantage"

You ever find a band, an artist, who seems to be producing lyrics, music, entirely for you? and you are the only one who gets all the references and understands what exactly the meaning of every song is?

Thats this group, for me. To say they make me laugh through the bad times is a vast understatement.

I'm very drunk and still coming down from my scary experiences (see rant in other post) and the only thing keeping me sane is the music i'm listening to...

so i have to ask...is anyone on here aware of Half Man, Half Biscuit, and if so, want to go see them next time they play?

"We were just sitting listening to music, drinking tea, talking about Bonnie Prince Billy and the Palace Brothers, when all of a sudden the room fills with a harsh brightness and in comes my sister from Cream and she starts chanting 'shit band, no fans, shit band no fans'...well, i'm just about to defend our corner when her mate Natalie at the back pipes up with 'yeah, the windy minimalism of that last track recalls some of their Bradford isolationist period'. Thoroughly defeated i retired upstairs to bed, left them to it....however, step forward three years...into my secret hayloft shot with shafts of afternoon sunlight...Brendan's changed his name to Frederick Metronome...did you see me, being escorted around the ground, Motorola in the pocket of my Wampum jeans, over the amber continental, i made a comic bid for freedom.

There are a million retired liberals watching 'Countdown'. And in the adverts they close their eyes and go to Umbria with Carol...oh Carol...Oh Carol. And they subscribe to the 'Erotic Review' because it's broadsheet acceptable..and they can read it in bed with their partners and perhaps try out suggested oils...ah, but they still feel the need to board an EasyJet to Amsterdam now and again...Because you can't get 'Teenage Eskimo' in Wantage"

You ever find a band, an artist, who seems to be producing lyrics, music, entirely for you? and you are the only one who gets all the references and understands what exactly the meaning of every song is?

Thats this group, for me. To say they make me laugh through the bad times is a vast understatement.


"my uncle charlie is a cynical chap
and his wife is a touch sceptical too
they've got one of those stickers in the back of their van
it says 'we've seen the prices at the zoo'
well today i knocked upon his door and said that i was passing
charlie launched a scathing attack
when i asked him what i'd done he said
'you stupid bastard, we live in a cul-de sac'"

"my uncle charlie is a cynical chap
and his wife is a touch sceptical too
they've got one of those stickers in the back of their van
it says 'we've seen the prices at the zoo'
well today i knocked upon his door and said that i was passing
charlie launched a scathing attack
when i asked him what i'd done he said
'you stupid bastard, we live in a cul-de sac'"

"then there's the person who collects all things pierrot,
and loves siamese cats and thinks they are sophisticated because they eat fry's chocolate cream,
and they always have a picture of a sad clown on their wall,
and they'd do anything to spend the night with the fella off the turkish delight advert, because he's full of Eastern monosodium glutamate.
and they go to charity shops and tend to become slightly orgasmic at the thought of vampire lust"

"then there's the person who collects all things pierrot,
and loves siamese cats and thinks they are sophisticated because they eat fry's chocolate cream,
and they always have a picture of a sad clown on their wall,
and they'd do anything to spend the night with the fella off the turkish delight advert, because he's full of Eastern monosodium glutamate.
and they go to charity shops and tend to become slightly orgasmic at the thought of vampire lust"

"St Vitus came to my town and visited the cemetary
the dead rose up and everything became one big cacophany
they all went down the social and they claimed their supplementary
and all the necrophiliacs were walking round in misery

the rattling mass of calcium went shopping in the superstore
careering down the aisles like one big psychopathic carnivore
the shelf stackers work of art in ecstacy crashed to the floor
and meanwhile the saint was going crazy at the fire door...

<pause>
<sips drink>
ah...the beautiful refreshing healthy spa water of Bath...
in Avon.

<pause>

<screams>
I HATE NERYS HUGHES!
I HATE NERYS HUGHES!
I HATE NERYS HUGHES!
I HATE NERYS HUGHES!"

"St Vitus came to my town and visited the cemetary
the dead rose up and everything became one big cacophany
they all went down the social and they claimed their supplementary
and all the necrophiliacs were walking round in misery

the rattling mass of calcium went shopping in the superstore
careering down the aisles like one big psychopathic carnivore
the shelf stackers work of art in ecstacy crashed to the floor
and meanwhile the saint was going crazy at the fire door...

<pause>
<sips drink>
ah...the beautiful refreshing healthy spa water of Bath...
in Avon.

<pause>

<screams>
I HATE NERYS HUGHES!
I HATE NERYS HUGHES!
I HATE NERYS HUGHES!
I HATE NERYS HUGHES!"

I was just sitting there eating a salmonella sandwich
when a man walked up to me
"would you mind dear boy if i asked you question?
if music be the food of love, are you the indigestion?"

Found myself inside a score of ageing grans and grandads
when a frail voice said to me
"would you mind dear boy, i just can't stand all this tension
please let me in front of me so i can cash me pension"

frank was going through a state of depression in his bedroom
when he reached out for the jar
he swallowed every last pill and he lay back on his duvet
a haliborange overdose is perhaps not the right way
to ooooh, to kill yourself

down besides the babbling brook i was trying to sketch myself a stallion
when the stallion said to me
"thats the third biro you've broken today, i can not wait
you can lead a horse to water
but a pencil must be lead, mate"

oooh, said the stallion
me and my girl
seal clubbing
me and my girl
out on the ice
me and my girl
seal clubbing
me and my girl
on ice

I'm very drunk and still coming down from my scary experiences (see rant in other post)

I'm drunk as hell. I've been eyeing this thread for about half an hour. Just clicked on it. *and this is what I get!?* Just kidding. Glad you survived that traumatic experience. Good your mind is on music. Watch out in future.

I'm drunk as hell. I've been eyeing this thread for about half an hour. Just clicked on it. *and this is what I get!?* Just kidding. Glad you survived that traumatic experience. Good your mind is on music. Watch out in future.

Thankee kindly.

I'm sure i've been a traumatic experience for people in the past...anyone who has experienced my karaoke would testify to that ;)

How about a bit of "new york skiffle" by HMHB
(to the tune of "does your chewing gum lose it's flavour on the headboard overnight" by lonnie donnegan)
"i'm a vendor of quack nostrums,
born in a kansas shack
i came down to greenwhich village with a teachest on my back
i danced a while for andy
and thrashed his cadillac
now i'm just waiting for my man

now...
does your heroin lose it's glamour on the washboard overnight?
when your mother says don't do it, do you crank it up in spite?
do you rob your brothers giro,
do you talk a load of shite?
does your heroin lose it's glamour on the washboard overnight?

i've drank too much black coffee
have had too much bill burrows
i've been a he, i've been a she,
and maybe, and who knows?
i've had the CBGBS
i've turkeyed way up state
oh, does your heroin lose it's glamour on the washboard overnight?
when your mother says don't do it, do you crank it up in spite?
do you rob your brothers giro,

do you talk a load of shite?
does your heroin lose it's glamour on the washboard overnight?"

Thankee kindly.

I'm sure i've been a traumatic experience for people in the past...anyone who has experienced my karaoke would testify to that ;)

How about a bit of "new york skiffle" by HMHB
(to the tune of "does your chewing gum lose it's flavour on the headboard overnight" by lonnie donnegan)
"i'm a vendor of quack nostrums,
born in a kansas shack
i came down to greenwhich village with a teachest on my back
i danced a while for andy
and thrashed his cadillac
now i'm just waiting for my man

now...
does your heroin lose it's glamour on the washboard overnight?
when your mother says don't do it, do you crank it up in spite?
do you rob your brothers giro,
do you talk a load of shite?
does your heroin lose it's glamour on the washboard overnight?

i've drank too much black coffee
have had too much bill burrows
i've been a he, i've been a she,
and maybe, and who knows?
i've had the CBGBS
i've turkeyed way up state
oh, does your heroin lose it's glamour on the washboard overnight?
when your mother says don't do it, do you crank it up in spite?
do you rob your brothers giro,

do you talk a load of shite?
does your heroin lose it's glamour on the washboard overnight?"

(the punchline to the below song will be amended for american consumption. It would help if you thought of "The End" by The Doors for the lines after this)

"One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along a beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one set belonged to him, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that at many times along the path of his life, there was only one set of footprints. And he also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of his life. This really bothered him, and he questioned the Lord about it. 'Lord, you said that once i decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But i've noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life, there's only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when i needed you most you'd leave me' The Lord replied..."my precious precious child, i love you and i would never leave you...during your times of trial and suffering, when you only see one set of footprints, that must have been when...i was appearing in American Gladiators.

The teenager awoke at midday. He walked into the back garden. Everything was peaceful except for the complaining notes of the woodquest dying in the leafy thickness. He walked up to the patio chair where his father sat...

'father'
'yes son?'
'i want to borrow your golf clubs'"

do you talk a load of shite?
does your heroin lose it's glamour on the washboard overnight?"

Shite.. you must be English. But, yes..

Heroin.. is that a kind of bird? :p

Shite.. you must be English. But, yes..

Heroin.. is that a kind of bird? :p

I'm a heron addict...

i've cut down though, and replaced it with substitutes, now i only use four flamingos a day.