NationStates Jolt Archive

recently, i've been watching the fast show a bit too much and i think i'm slightly obsessed with swiss toni, who describes everything as like making love to a beautiful woman. for your amusement, i'm posting all his quotes in the hope that people will come up with their own

washing a car is alot like making love to a beautiful woman: you've got to caress the bodywork, breathe softly and gently on it, give every inch of it your loving attention and make sure that you've got a nice wet sponge

selling a woman a car is alot like making love to her: you have to seduce her and when she buys, that's the big O - orgasm central. multiple orgasms would be if she bought lots of cars, like a fleet - but that never happens

putting up a tent is alot like making love to a beautiful woman: unzip the door, put up your pole and slip into the old bag

laying a carpet is alot like making love to a beautiful woman: you've got to check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. if your adventurous like me, you might like to try an underlay

hanging wallpaper is alot like making love to a beautiful woman: you've got to clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste and stick her up. you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handywork

answering the phone is alot like making love to a beautiful woman: you've got to lift the reciever, put it to your ear, speak loudly and clearly and don't forget to state your name

near the end he kinda goes through a nervous breakdown, as is obvious from the last quote

lol

putting up a tent is alot like making love to a beautiful woman: unzip the door, put up your pole and slip into the old bag
This one I'm pretty sure I could do to any woman, beautiful or not. It's really at this point about equipment availability.

If cleaning my car was anything like making love to a beautiful woman my car would be sparkly clean.

and only just now did i realise that there is a notable possibility of people finding this offensive, let's hope people realise this is a joke and don't take it the wrong way

This one I'm pretty sure I could do to any woman, beautiful or not. It's really at this point about equipment availability.

If cleaning my car was anything like making love to a beautiful woman my car would be sparkly clean.
yes, but would you describe it as like making love to an ugly woman? no, because most men would like to make love to a beautiful one, if they could.
maybe if you read the quote enough times you'll want to go wash your car? :p

some more...


# Going fishing - Of course, As you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often thought that going fishing was
very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

# Being in therapy - And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

# Making coffee - Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir gently and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

# Checking a second hand car - Checking the details of a second-hand car is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, verify her year of origin. She may look like she rolled off the production line in 1990 but who's to say the fellow before you didn't give her a good spraying?

some more...
damn it, i forgot about those, which is sad because i really like the coffee one, i use it all the time

and only just now did i realise that there is a notable possibility of people finding this offensive, let's hope people realise this is a joke and don't take it the wrong way
They're hilarious.

# Being in therapy - And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

Shouldn't that be "...and then they hand over all their money"? For the analogy to work, I mean. :)

They're hilarious.
of course they are, it's just that some people tend to take things like this the wrong way and i don't particularly like the idea of getting in trouble

Shouldn't that be "...and then they hand over all their money"? For the analogy to work, I mean. :)
no, it works perfectly for the point of view of the person in therapy

no, it works perfectly for the point of view of the person in therapy
:eek: The person on the couch probes the deep dark secrets of the therapist?

:)

no, it works perfectly for the point of view of the person in therapy

If he's into pegging;)

:eek: The person on the couch probes the deep dark secrets of the therapist?

:)
no, the person on the couch probes their own deep dark holes, the therapist just tells them how to do it

have you seen the program where its just swiss toni?

very funny (the one i've seen at least)

If he's into pegging;)
my therapist never offered me that. oh well, i wouldn't want it anyway. wait, i don't see any therapist :confused:

have you seen the program where its just swiss toni?

very funny (the one i've seen at least)
:eek: must... get... <runs off to the shops, even though they're closed, considering it's midnight>