NationStates Jolt Archive

Why is there this notion that somebody "deserves better" than whatever life deals out to him or her?
I've heard that very often in the last few months and years, and it puzzles me. Where does this notion come from that somehow, by being a good person, you obtain a right from the universe as such to have better things happening to you?

We all want to think that doing good things for other people will facilitate good things happening to you.

Why is there this notion that somebody "deserves better" than whatever life deals out to him or her?
I've heard that very often in the last few months and years, and it puzzles me. Where does this notion come from that somehow, by being a good person, you obtain a right from the universe as such to have better things happening to you?
We deserve nothing. We have already been given the truly amazing gift of life. What we make of it is up to us.

I've heard that very often in the last few months and years, and it puzzles me. Where does this notion come from that somehow, by being a good person, you obtain a right from the universe as such to have better things happening to you?
I generally hear it in regards to how something really terrible happens; in which case, yes, the conventional feeling is that they didn't deserve to be raped to death by a polar bear.

We all want to think that doing good things for other people will facilitate good things happening to you.

Does that ever work?

I always do:p

Does that ever work?

Yes, it does. Although it does depend who you do good things for. Some people just take advantage of nice people, but not everyone.

Also, jeez, you're in a good mood tonight.

A man born into a nice rich family is lazy and rude (whatever you wanna imagine him as) and lives his whole life with a high quality of life and people are always nice to him for it.

*Insert Minority* Nice guy born into poverty people treat him like dirt. He works hard his wole life and just wants to help out the world (And other nice stuff but has little opportunity)

We can easily say the secound guy deserves better I don't see it as a contested subject..

Well, to give the one example that kind of inspired this thread:
I've been told over and over again by some friends that I "deserve better" than the relationship I'm currently in. And I honestly don't know what to make of that. In some way, it's destructive, because generally, I'm happy with what I have (well, not right this minute, but that little fight will be sorted by tomorrow - I hope...) and I feel that telling me over and over is sometimes making me uneasy. I get that feeling that, hey, maybe they're right after all. And then I do stupid things like dating other guys, and end up hurting them, because they simply are not what I want. I already have what I want.

And right now, as you may have gathered, I'm a little confused...

i think it works the opposite way round: if you're a good person you don't 'deserve' to have bad things happen to you; ergo you can "deserve better"

or it might be a simple matter of circumstances, like you wouldn't wish anyone to have to put up with x... so they can deserve better in this way, too

Well, to give the one example that kind of inspired this thread:
I've been told over and over again by some friends that I "deserve better" than the relationship I'm currently in. And I honestly don't know what to make of that. In some way, it's destructive, because generally, I'm happy with what I have (well, not right this minute, but that little fight will be sorted by tomorrow - I hope...) and I feel that telling me over and over is sometimes making me uneasy. I get that feeling that, hey, maybe they're right after all. And then I do stupid things like dating other guys, and end up hurting them, because they simply are not what I want. I already have what I want.

And right now, as you may have gathered, I'm a little confused...

Really? Couldn't notice at all you know...:p

I surmise that it revolves around the premise either that one ought to recieve precisely what is in accordance with our actions, Karma essentially, or that, as a friend they want the best for you and think you could, and perhaps, should, do better.

Yes, it does. Although it does depend who you do good things for. Some people just take advantage of nice people, but not everyone.

Also, jeez, you're in a good mood tonight.

I am? Ok, now I'm even more confused ;)

It comes from shitty things happening to good people.

For example, a cyber buddy is a pediatric infection disease doctor/researcher. He has seen countless children die and yet he does the job with the faith of a child. He is an all around hell of a guy and a great doctor.

He had a heart blockage that was supposed to be routine. Then it became a quad bypass. Problems happened which left him paralyzed and blind. Insurence said "so long sucker!" His finanances ran out and he is about to loose his home.

Supposedly he should get better but its a slow process.

We deserve nothing. We have already been given the truly amazing gift of life. What we make of it is up to us.
I agree.

I used to know someone who whenever you would ask "how are you?" he would always answer "better than I deserve" I asked him once why he always said that and he said "because it's always true, I don't deserve much of anything, so the fact that I even woke up this morning is more than I deserve"

Well, to give the one example that kind of inspired this thread:
I've been told over and over again by some friends that I "deserve better" than the relationship I'm currently in. And I honestly don't know what to make of that. In some way, it's destructive, because generally, I'm happy with what I have (well, not right this minute, but that little fight will be sorted by tomorrow - I hope...) and I feel that telling me over and over is sometimes making me uneasy. I get that feeling that, hey, maybe they're right after all. And then I do stupid things like dating other guys, and end up hurting them, because they simply are not what I want. I already have what I want.

And right now, as you may have gathered, I'm a little confused...
Sometimes people feel, or perhaps convince themselves, that they have what they want, and don't realise how much they're limiting or hurting themselves (either now or potentially down the line), whereas other people can see it, which elicits the "deserve better" comment. I've seen lives destroyed where people genuinely believed that their relationship/marriage was right and loving, only to discover years later that it wasn't. Their friends knew better all along.

At other times, the friends may simply be jealous, resentful or never really understood the person in the first place, and perhaps it was those friendships which were never really right. It takes some honest soul-serarching to work out which it is.

I am? Ok, now I'm even more confused ;)

Yeah. You're so happy it's like you're on drugs.:p

Yeah. You're so happy it's like you're on drugs.:p

Stupid jolt log me in as my puppet...

We deserve nothing. We have already been given the truly amazing gift of life. What we make of it is up to us.
Unfortunately, that's not so. An intelligent, hard-working, loving person can make a lot of their lives, do all the right things, and still be struck down by cancer, for example. Life is neither fair nor entirely what we make of it.

Yeah. You're so happy it's like you're on drugs.:p

Huh.... well, either you're sarcastic and I just don't get it, or else you haven't been here in a while ;)

Unfortunately, that's not so. An intelligent, hard-working, loving person can make a lot of their lives, do all the right things, and still be struck down by cancer, for example. Life is neither fair nor entirely what we make of it.
he didn't say life was fair, he said life is a gift. To say that someone's life is ruined by cancer is naive, it sucks to get cancer, but I have seen many people who handled it with strength and grace, and in the end made a better life for themselves because of it.

you can't control the things that happen to you all the time, but you can control how you deal with the things that happen to you. In the end your happiness, depends on you wanting to be happy. Life is what you make of it.

Huh.... well, either you're sarcastic and I just don't get it, or else you haven't been here in a while ;)

Hehe. You're hurting my brain, Cabra.

Seriously, I was just commenting on the fact that you've been pretty down lately. And it sucks. I will unreservedly use the statement "you deserve better" in this instance.:)

In the end your happiness, depends on you wanting to be happy.

To a degree, yes. But with the best will in the world, it's still possible to get hit by a bus or have some random stalker make your life hell for months and it not be your fault.

Sometimes people feel, or perhaps convince themselves, that they have what they want, and don't realise how much they're limiting or hurting themselves (either now or potentially down the line), whereas other people can see it, which elicits the "deserve better" comment. I've seen lives destroyed where people genuinely believed that their relationship/marriage was right and loving, only to discover years later that it wasn't. Their friends knew better all along.

At other times, the friends may simply be jealous, resentful or never really understood the person in the first place, and perhaps it was those friendships which were never really right. It takes some honest soul-serarching to work out which it is.

Well, in my case it's a lot about what those friends consider desireable in a relationship. And the fact that this doesn't coincide with what I find desireable.
I've done an awful lot of soul-searching, and it was inconclusive. And then I tried - very briefly - to see if a relationship that they would want to have would suit me, and that's when a third person got hurt (not too much, just enough to still give me a bad conscience)
So, in my case, "deserving" doesn't mean "actually getting", nor does it mean "desiring"

Hehe. You're hurting my brain, Cabra.

Seriously, I was just commenting on the fact that you've been pretty down lately. And it sucks. I will unreservedly use the statement "you deserve better" in this instance.:)

*lol
Ok, you haven't been here for a while, then.
Yes, I was down. But that was at least a few weeks, if not a few months back. Lately, I've been passing a lot of time here trying the limits of the PG13 rule with Hullepupp, Grainne Ni Malley, Carnivorous Lickers and a few others :D

And thanks for the statement. I appreciate the spirit ;)

To a degree, yes. But with the best will in the world, it's still possible to get hit by a bus or have some random stalker make your life hell for months and it not be your fault.
sure it's not your fault, but you do have to take responsibility for how you react.
I have had a lot of random (and not so random) bad stuff happen to me and I didn't let it ruin my life.

*lol
Ok, you haven't been here for a while, then.
Yes, I was down. But that was at least a few weeks, if not a few months back. Lately, I've been passing a lot of time here trying the limits of the PG13 rule with Hullepupp, Grainne Ni Malley, Carnivorous Lickers and a few others :D

And thanks for the statement. I appreciate the spirit ;)

This seemed like a pretty "depressed person" thread. While I do remember you folks and your not-quite-cyber-sex, I assumed I had missed something. Or something. Actually, I've no idea what I'm on about. So:

if you are feeling down, I hope you feel better soon.

if you are feeling good, I hope you stay that way.

**sigh**

I need sleep.

sure it's not your fault, but you do have to take responsibility for how you react.
I have had a lot of random (and not so random) bad stuff happen to me and I didn't let it ruin my life.

What it sounds like you're asserting is that nobody else can have a large negative impact on your life. Almost as though anything bad that happens to you is your fault. Not quite going that far though.

I just don't see it that way, but then I have been told I have a tendency to blame my problems on anyone but me.

Why is there this notion that somebody "deserves better" than whatever life deals out to him or her?Because people, and in fact several of the higher primates, have an innate sense of fairness.
And bad things happening to good people doesn't seem fair. (But then, life isn't fair. It just is. ... Alternatively, life would be much worse for a lot of people if it were fair.)

This seemed like a pretty "depressed person" thread. While I do remember you folks and your not-quite-cyber-sex, I assumed I had missed something. Or something. Actually, I've no idea what I'm on about. So:

if you are feeling down, I hope you feel better soon.

if you are feeling good, I hope you stay that way.

**sigh**

I need sleep.

That's the bummer about depression... it's never really far away. Always lurking in the back of your mind, ready to jump when you drop your guard. And sometimes an unintended harsh word is all it takes to make it spring into action.
But I'm feeling good, and I've got the energy to fight it :)

So, thanks. And sweet dreams :fluffle:

What it sounds like you're asserting is that nobody else can have a large negative impact on your life.
of course bad things can happen to you, but you get to decide what type of impact they make on your life.

Almost as though anything bad that happens to you is your fault.
bad stuff happens it's not your fault, but there are people (in my family) who decide that because something crappy happened to them that their life is over. They dwell on the bad stuff, they whine about life's unfairness, they cry about how "everyone's life is easier than mine", it annoys me to no end.

If something in your life sucks, then change it, if you can't change it then accept it and move on, it's that simple.

What it sounds like you're asserting is that nobody else can have a large negative impact on your life. Almost as though anything bad that happens to you is your fault. Not quite going that far though.

I just don't see it that way, but then I have been told I have a tendency to blame my problems on anyone but me.

She's more or less taking a Stoic stance on life: you cannot determine whether good or bad things happen to you, but only whether you do good or bad things in turn. I myself tend to think of such a position as too fatalistic and doesn't account for the fact that good things can or at least ought to happen if you do good, nor does it account for the fact that it's very difficult or impossible to be virtuous while being a one-armed diamond mining slave in Africa, but I suppose it works for her.

A man born into a nice rich family is lazy and rude (whatever you wanna imagine him as) and lives his whole life with a high quality of life and people are always nice to him for it.

*Insert Minority* Nice guy born into poverty people treat him like dirt. He works hard his wole life and just wants to help out the world (And other nice stuff but has little opportunity)

We can easily say the secound guy deserves better I don't see it as a contested subject..
Why would he "deserve better?" Is he not responsible for his own happiness?

Unfortunately, that's not so. An intelligent, hard-working, loving person can make a lot of their lives, do all the right things, and still be struck down by cancer, for example. Life is neither fair nor entirely what we make of it.
Those are called "life accidents." They are things beyond our control. However, it is still possible to be happy regardless. No one promised us "fair." We weren't born with some little certificate that said, "This person is entitled to fair and equal treatment." If you want "fair" go out and make it for yourself and quitcherbitchin.'

he didn't say life was fair, he said life is a gift. To say that someone's life is ruined by cancer is naive, it sucks to get cancer, but I have seen many people who handled it with strength and grace, and in the end made a better life for themselves because of it.

you can't control the things that happen to you all the time, but you can control how you deal with the things that happen to you. In the end your happiness, depends on you wanting to be happy. Life is what you make of it.
Thanks, Smunkee. Couldn't have said it better myself. :)

Perhaps it's because I have cancer, eh? :)

To a degree, yes. But with the best will in the world, it's still possible to get hit by a bus or have some random stalker make your life hell for months and it not be your fault.
Why feel compelled to assign "fault?" Sometimes shyte just happens. It's up to us to either cave in to dispair and resentment or to make the best of it.

What it sounds like you're asserting is that nobody else can have a large negative impact on your life. Almost as though anything bad that happens to you is your fault. Not quite going that far though.

I just don't see it that way, but then I have been told I have a tendency to blame my problems on anyone but me.
What is this obsession of yours with "fault?"

The only adverse impact others can have on your life is to take away your possessions, take away others about whom you care, take away your health, or take away your life. That's it. Unless you grant them the power to do so, they will never be able to take away your will to live, your decision to be happy regardless, or your hope.

If something in your life sucks, then change it, if you can't change it then accept it and move on, it's that simple.
Right on, Smunkee! You on a roll, sistah! Preach it! :D

You said you already have what you want in your current relationship. So what if your friends dont approve? Unless of course if he is abusing you, then by all means, toss him out on his ass. But if you love him/her and have what you want in a relationship, then your confusion is over. Everyone has a fight every now and then, as you said, you feel it will be sorted out by tomorrow. So if this person makes you happy and treats you well, then tell your friends to butt out.

I wish you happiness in your relationships.......:)

Well, to give the one example that kind of inspired this thread:
I've been told over and over again by some friends that I "deserve better" than the relationship I'm currently in. And I honestly don't know what to make of that. In some way, it's destructive, because generally, I'm happy with what I have (well, not right this minute, but that little fight will be sorted by tomorrow - I hope...) and I feel that telling me over and over is sometimes making me uneasy. I get that feeling that, hey, maybe they're right after all. And then I do stupid things like dating other guys, and end up hurting them, because they simply are not what I want. I already have what I want.

And right now, as you may have gathered, I'm a little confused...

its gotten to the point where i dont know what deserve even means.

but its a powerful word used in tv ads to great effect. you DESERVE a new car or a better hair color or a trip somewhere so you go out and spend money you cant afford to spend on these things

what your friends are trying to tell you is that this man isnt good for you and that you would be happier without him.

in their opinion.

its something to think about. you have an unconventional relationship. it might be right for you or you might just be afraid to lose what you have even if its not all that good. if you decide its right for you, youll have to tell your friends that you arent interested in a more conventional life and to mind their own business.

You said you already have what you want in your current relationship. So what if your friends dont approve? Unless of course if he is abusing you, then by all means, toss him out on his ass. But if you love him/her and have what you want in a relationship, then your confusion is over. Everyone has a fight every now and then, as you said, you feel it will be sorted out by tomorrow. So if this person makes you happy and treats you well, then tell your friends to butt out.

I wish you happiness in your relationships.......:)

Thanks. :fluffle:

You are absolutrly right... he does make me happy and he treats me aa whole lot better than I deserve. And I need to keep thingd in perspective :)

what your friends are trying to tell you is that this man isnt good for you and that you would be happier without him.

in their opinion.


That's the tricky part. They don't tell me that I'd be happier without him, they tell me I'd be happier with somebody else (the two key factors for them are "not in another country" and "not married to another woman").

I most definitely wouldn't be happier without him. But getting to hear their sermons over and over sometimes brings me close to believeing them, and that's where it get dangerous.

as im thinking about it what they mean is that you deserve THEIR idea of a perfect life

the big wedding, the fancy white dress, the church, the ring, the flowers.

the house with the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids, sunday breakfast in bed with the newspaper.

perhaps they just cant imagine that anyone would be happy with their life without that.

Right on, Smunkee! You on a roll, sistah! Preach it! :D
yeah, it seems like common sense to me, but I keep dealing with people IRL today that don't seem to quite catch what I am saying to them, it's so frustrating.

...........the conversation I was having while replying while ago

"If you don't like your job, then get a different one"
"I can't"
"why not?"
"because I would feel irresponsible"
"oh, then keep your job"
"but I hate it"
"then quit"
"but then I will feel bad"
"so? you feel bad now right?"
"yeah"
"so what's the difference between feeling bad now and feeling bad later?"
"well, I don't want to feel bad at all"
"so don't"
"your life is perfect Smunkee, you don't understand anything"
"okay, bye, call me back when you decide to be a grown up"

yeah, she hasn't called back. ;)

hm I felt like I deserve more for a while, my life is pretty good, apart from my isolation to most of the people in my life right now. but I'm unhappy, somethings missing, wether it be friend with whom I can talk about my problems or if I'm in a self-percieved runt.

Why feel compelled to assign "fault?" Sometimes shyte just happens. It's up to us to either cave in to dispair and resentment or to make the best of it.

What is this obsession of yours with "fault?"

The only adverse impact others can have on your life is to take away your possessions, take away others about whom you care, take away your health, or take away your life. That's it. Unless you grant them the power to do so, they will never be able to take away your will to live, your decision to be happy regardless, or your hope.

I think if they take away your life, then the will to live means jack shit.

I don't think I have an obsession with fault, but I do believe that when something goes wrong, it's important to know why. Hence, fault. For example, if I lose my job, did I lose it because I was bad at it (my fault), or because my boss decided to hate me arbitrarily (not my fault). Because before I can pick up the pieces and move on, I need to know where I'm headed, what I need to change about me or my circumstances to not do the same thing again. If it's not my fault, there's nothing I can change and, I suppose, precisely who is at fault is irrelevant.

And I would remind you that everyone is different. I'm not sure I could be happy if someone took away my loved ones, certainly not in the "my parents are dead, my sisters are dead, my girlfriend is dead but what the fuck, I don't care and I'm as happy as a pig in shit" way you seem to be suggesting.

Those are called "life accidents." They are things beyond our control. However, it is still possible to be happy regardless. No one promised us "fair." We weren't born with some little certificate that said, "This person is entitled to fair and equal treatment." If you want "fair" go out and make it for yourself and quitcherbitchin.'

So if Zooke's husband was on account of her death you would tell him to quit bitching? Or if one of your children was gang raped and was upset, to say the least, you'd tell him/her to suck it up?

Trans-human']So if Zooke's husband was on account of her death you would tell him to quit bitching? Or if one of your children was gang raped and was upset, to say the least, you'd tell him/her to suck it up?
it is one thing to be upset, or sad, or angry. It is quite another to let those feelings rule the rest of your life.

it is one thing to be upset, or sad, or angry. It is quite another to let those feelings rule the rest of your life.

but where do you draw the time frame between acceptable mourning and being a quitter? (for lack of a better term)

I know all cases are different. I guess a better question (i.e. one with an answer :)) is: do you think there's an upper limit on time that covers all people and situations? Yes/no would be okay, although it might help me see your point if you give rough estimates.

it is one thing to be upset, or sad, or angry. It is quite another to let those feelings rule the rest of your life.

Yes, but Eutrusca said everyone is responsible for their own happiness. So even if a person is unhappy for only a moment, or has what most people would think is a legitimate reason to be unhappy its still their fault for being unhappy.

Trans-human']Yes, but Eutrusca said everyone is responsible for their own happiness. So even if a person is unhappy for only a moment, or has what most people would think is a legitimate reason to be unhappy its still their fault for being unhappy.
it is.

Well, to give the one example that kind of inspired this thread:
I've been told over and over again by some friends that I "deserve better" than the relationship I'm currently in. And I honestly don't know what to make of that. In some way, it's destructive, because generally, I'm happy with what I have (well, not right this minute, but that little fight will be sorted by tomorrow - I hope...) and I feel that telling me over and over is sometimes making me uneasy. I get that feeling that, hey, maybe they're right after all. And then I do stupid things like dating other guys, and end up hurting them, because they simply are not what I want. I already have what I want.

And right now, as you may have gathered, I'm a little confused...

Having told a few of my friends that they "deserve better" than the relationship they're in, I'll put my two cents in. It is generally believed(by me at least) that good people should not be treated like crap by the person they are seeing. This can involve emotional or physical abuse, or being a generally lazy scumbag. Since you mentioned these people are your friends, they hopefully think you are a good person. Therefore, they want you to be with someone who is going to care for you and treat you well. Notice I left genders out of this, because it's completely gender neutral.

it is.

So people who are unhappy for any reason should just stop bitching?

Because people, and in fact several of the higher primates, have an innate sense of fairness.
And bad things happening to good people doesn't seem fair. (But then, life isn't fair. It just is. ... Alternatively, life would be much worse for a lot of people if it were fair.)

I don't think bad things happening to good people would be quite so bad if it wasn't so obvious how many good things happen to such bad people.

That's the tricky part. They don't tell me that I'd be happier without him, they tell me I'd be happier with somebody else (the two key factors for them are "not in another country" and "not married to another woman").

I most definitely wouldn't be happier without him. But getting to hear their sermons over and over sometimes brings me close to believeing them, and that's where it get dangerous.

Seeing their two issues makes me think it's already dangerous. I will agree with their key factors and pass on the sermon.

Trans-human']So people who are unhappy for any reason should just stop bitching?
depends. It's find with me for people to be unhappy, just as long as they realize that they are in control (or at least should be) of the situation.

I am tired of people talking about how they were stiffed in life, how their job sucks, they don't like the relationship with thier parents, or they don't like the way thier boyfriend treats them, if you don't like something in your life then fix it.

There are some things that happen in life that you can't control, and if you can't control something then you need to learn to accept it, whining about it won't help.

but where do you draw the time frame between acceptable mourning and being a quitter? (for lack of a better term)
I can't draw the line effectively. It would be different for everyone, I still morn the loss of my grandmother, but those feelings don't control my life. There are others in my family that still morn her too, but they take it to a point where they don't do anything, and if they percieve that others are happy they berate them.

My first child was born 19 days after my grandmother died, I was scolded for "sounding happy in front of grandpa", they tell me at least 2 times a week (more often near holidays) how it is unfair that I am happy, how my life is perfect and they deserve better and grandma wouldn't have died if I hadn't moved out of state and taken her only chance to see her great grandchild. They don't go to weddings, they don't celebrate birthdays, they don't celebrate Christmas, nothing, happiness is too good for them, if God wanted them to be happy He wouldn't have "killed Grandma". These people take it too far.

I am sad that grandma died, I miss her, I even cry sometimes thinking about her, but my grief does not change the basics of my life, I have chosen to be happy in spite of the fact that I miss her.

I know all cases are different. I guess a better question (i.e. one with an answer :)) is: do you think there's an upper limit on time that covers all people and situations? Yes/no would be okay, although it might help me see your point if you give rough estimates.
I don't think there is a "time limit" but there is a limit on how you should let your emotions affect your life, it's difficult to explain.

When you get right down to it, nobody deserves better with anything, yet still, people get better stuff all the time. Or conversly, worse stuff. Eventually, looking at anyone for a long enough time, your going to find stuff that makes them end up not deserving something, yet the point is moot, as we often don't get what we deserve anyway and have good things happen to us. The best example I can think of is Jesus letting himself die for a group of people who hated his guts with a passion (Besides His followers of course)and didn't care about all the prophecies God made about Him coming or the fact that pretty much everything he taught was compleatly good and all the miracles and healings He did, and then what do they get, and everyone in the world for that matter? The chance to gain eternal life through faith and trust in Him. That's not something I can see anyone honestly saying they deserve for any reason, myself included, im a human too :/.