NationStates Jolt Archive

Does anybody know how this works, exactly?

Well, what the general manners are for it at least... I always try to just date people casually and usually what ends up happening is that they end up wanting to see me exclusively and I eventually cave plus I generally lack the mutual interest of a couple of guys in order to date a couple people at a time and keep it casual sort of thing (sorry if that doesn't make sense)

Well, basically what I want to know is, how does one keep it casual? I don't want to date with the intent of having a relationship, I want to date with the intent of getting to know new people better and having fun. Do I have to bring this up early on, (that I just want to date) or deal with it when it comes up? Do I mention that I am dating others or interested in others or perhaps when scheduling dates, if they want to see me Saturday and I've got a date with someone else Saturday do I say "Oh, I'm seeing so-and-so." or keep it vague and just say "I'm not free then".
I know this is probably way too much to ask and assume that might occur, seeing as I might have one date with one guy and that's it, but it's probably better than peppering the board with a number of threads on roughly the same subject over a while...

I have no idea if and how that would work.
One thing, though: please make sure that he knows that you're "just dating". No fair to let him think otherwise and fall for you if you know you don't reciprocate these feelings.
Oh, and if at one point he has already fallen for you, and you tell him only then, and he says "Oh. Well, I can deal with that, I swear" when he just told you he's in love with you? Do not believe him. He may believe it himself at that moment, but it's not possible for him to actually make his feelings go away just like that. So, in order for you not to end up feeling like a total shmuck, if he wants more out of the "relationship" than you and you know it, break it off. For real.

I think it may just be a fancy name taped on the front of the book called "hanging out".

I think it may just be a fancy name taped on the front of the book called "hanging out".
Well, but there's the physical component that doesn't necessarily happen in hanging out.

I have no idea if and how that would work.
I know it's been done before, so it must work somehow.

One thing, though: please make sure that he knows that you're "just dating". No fair to let him think otherwise and fall for you if you know you don't reciprocate these feelings.
But when do I do this, do I bring it up like on the first date or when he asks me and possibly freak him out that I would think things would necessarily get to the point where he'd want one or do I wait until it's been a couple dates and point out that dating is all I want from it... or just bring it up casually in conversation... which for me means blurting it out at the worst possible time, as usually happens with such things. But then I guess if I wait on it then he might be going off on the assumption that maybe something woudl come out of it (which I'll admit would be conceivably possible, really, even though I don't feel I want a relationship now)

Oh, and if at one point he has already fallen for you, and you tell him only then, and he says "Oh. Well, I can deal with that, I swear" when he just told you he's in love with you? Do not believe him. He may believe it himself at that moment, but it's not possible for him to actually make his feelings go away just like that. So, in order for you not to end up feeling like a total shmuck, if he wants more out of the "relationship" than you and you know it, break it off. For real.
Oh yeah. I can see that being a good time to end things.

Well, but there's the physical component that doesn't necessarily happen in hanging out.

So draw a line under the "h" and call it "banging out".

The key to casual dating is not to think of it as dating.
Tell no-one else of your other da...er...friends. This is the most important part!
Hanging out does have that physical component your talking about. Break out of that shell! Get "caught up in the heat of the moment."

Its my expirence that casual dating doesn't work.
Best to just feel guilty.

Does anybody know how this works, exactly?

Well, basically what I want to know is, how does one keep it casual? I don't want to date with the intent of having a relationship, I want to date with the intent of getting to know new people better and having fun.

It doesn't work Dakini. You spend too much time enforcing self imposed rules and explaining them to someone who cannot comprehend how you can flush a potiential good relationship without giving it a meaningful chance.

If by chance you are hard enough to really stick to your rules, it takes only a short time before your reputation is trashed and you are falsely labeled as a manipulator. Volume dating is a bad practice. (I know this for a fact!) Word of mouth slander is very fast and you are the last to know about it.

Just be yourself and don't dwell on it.

I know it's been done before, so it must work somehow.
Heh, I didn't mean to doubt the possibility of it working. It just never worked for me; one party would always get more attached than the other one.


But when do I do this, do I bring it up like on the first date or when he asks me and possibly freak him out that I would think things would necessarily get to the point where he'd want one or do I wait until it's been a couple dates and point out that dating is all I want from it... or just bring it up casually in conversation... which for me means blurting it out at the worst possible time, as usually happens with such things. But then I guess if I wait on it then he might be going off on the assumption that maybe something woudl come out of it (which I'll admit would be conceivably possible, really, even though I don't feel I want a relationship now)
Hell, if I knew a solution to this, I'd hopefully be making money as a relationship advice maven.
I don't know, I think you should bring it up pretty early. But you already know that. If you're American, I'm not sure about how that would fit into that whole dating rules thing you guys have going on. Ah hell, I don't even knwo when the right moment would be in my world. I've been sitting here & thinking about it, and all I can come up with is that I don't think I ever really had a converstion like that. I.e., things always progressed by their own, and usually I find that most things take care of themselves. Meaning that you'll most probably notice pretty soon if he's crushing on you big time or if he's just looking for casual dating, too.

Aaaaah, I don't know.

Stop dating whimps.

A man knows that just going out with someone doesn't mean they'll be moving in next day, or any time soon, or perhaps ever. A whimp believes that there's no possible way you could not fall for them, mostly because they're too afraid of rejection.

Stop dating whimps.

A man knows that just going out with someone doesn't mean they'll be moving in next day, or any time soon, or perhaps ever. A whimp believes that there's no possible way you could not fall for them, mostly because they're too afraid of rejection.
I do need to stop dating wimps.

Well, the one guy was a bit of a serial monagomer I suppose. I think he has issues where he always has to be in a relationship.

I really want to be free to say, have a random makeout session at a bar shoudl the opportunity arise without worrying that someone will get upset about it.

I do need to stop dating wimps.

Well, the one guy was a bit of a serial monagomer I suppose. I think he has issues where he always has to be in a relationship.

I really want to be free to say, have a random makeout session at a bar shoudl the opportunity arise without worrying that someone will get upset about it.
Why call it dating at all, then? Call it, "friends with benefits"--every guy I know understands the ramifications of that scenario. And many of them are really, really down with it.

I really want to be free to say, have a random makeout session at a bar shoudl the opportunity arise without worrying that someone will get upset about it.

What about worrying that you'll pick up some sort of disease??!? Even the wealthiest and most gorgeous of the population are still human enough to contract herpes and who knows what else...and not all are honest enough to tell you about it up front. It's like an episode from one of those horrid dating shows featuring people getting it on in some random quasi-public spot wherein you ask yourself "what else has that mouth been sucking on lately...?" **shudder**

I swear to God, Dakini lives life two steps behind me.

Dakini, dear, there are a million ways around the treacherous "exclusive relationship" and I'm almost ashamed that you haven't found any. I'm skirting one quite nicely at the moment, so I'll give you my two cents.

You DO need to make it clear that while you're not intensely into them, you really like dating them. Be sure to emphasize the positive aspect, otherwise all that's going to penetrate is "I'm not that into you" and you'll be cut out. Also, if they do try to push it into the realms of relationships, re-define relationships and have an open relationship, ergo leaving that opportunity for you to see other guys or what not. Last thing I do, and this is what's keeping me in the marvelous in-between with my man right now, is go ahead and be however affectionate or cold or indifferent you want to -- but before they start feeling all special and boyfriend-esque, do make sure you flirt with other people in front of them. This might come off as mean-spirited and manipulative, and in fact I'd only suggest it if either you're a natural flirt or if you're really flirting and not just making it up, but nothing gets the idea that you don't want to be exclusive into a guy's head quicker than displays of minor affection to other guys.

Now go out there and make me proud, tiger.

I generally lack the mutual interest of a couple of guys in order to date a couple people at a time and keep it casual sort of thing
So why worry about this problem?

I don't want to date with the intent of having a relationship, I want to date with the intent of getting to know new people better and having fun.
You mean, friendship?

Do I have to bring this up early on, (that I just want to date) or deal with it when it comes up? Do I mention that I am dating others or interested in others or perhaps when scheduling dates, if they want to see me Saturday and I've got a date with someone else Saturday do I say "Oh, I'm seeing so-and-so." or keep it vague and just say "I'm not free then".
I would say that honesty is the best policy. Better to tell them how it is before they get too emotionally involved. You don't want to let them jump into the deep (metaphorically) with no knowledge whatsoever.

What about worrying that you'll pick up some sort of disease??!? Even the wealthiest and most gorgeous of the population are still human enough to contract herpes and who knows what else...and not all are honest enough to tell you about it up front. It's like an episode from one of those horrid dating shows featuring people getting it on in some random quasi-public spot wherein you ask yourself "what else has that mouth been sucking on lately...?" **shudder**
I'm not talking about randomyl fucking people i meet in bars. Just making out. Geez. I'm not going to kiss people with cold sores and the worst I'd end up with is a cold... calm down. I'm not stupid enough to go about having unprotected casual sex (or necessarily any sex) with anybody anytime soon, I'm not that kind of girl.

Why call it dating at all, then? Call it, "friends with benefits"--every guy I know understands the ramifications of that scenario. And many of them are really, really down with it.
Well, some of them I might not start as friends with...

I dunno, I kinda want to leave some room for the possibility of a relationship, but I want it to be in the distant future. I basically want to sample a little... I've never really done that.

Simonist']I swear to God, Dakini lives life two steps behind me.

Dakini, dear, there are a million ways around the treacherous "exclusive relationship" and I'm almost ashamed that you haven't found any. I'm skirting one quite nicely at the moment, so I'll give you my two cents.

You DO need to make it clear that while you're not intensely into them, you really like dating them. Be sure to emphasize the positive aspect, otherwise all that's going to penetrate is "I'm not that into you" and you'll be cut out. Also, if they do try to push it into the realms of relationships, re-define relationships and have an open relationship, ergo leaving that opportunity for you to see other guys or what not. Last thing I do, and this is what's keeping me in the marvelous in-between with my man right now, is go ahead and be however affectionate or cold or indifferent you want to -- but before they start feeling all special and boyfriend-esque, do make sure you flirt with other people in front of them. This might come off as mean-spirited and manipulative, and in fact I'd only suggest it if either you're a natural flirt or if you're really flirting and not just making it up, but nothing gets the idea that you don't want to be exclusive into a guy's head quicker than displays of minor affection to other guys.

Now go out there and make me proud, tiger.
I'll try. ;)

Well, some of them I might not start as friends with...

I dunno, I kinda want to leave some room for the possibility of a relationship, but I want it to be in the distant future. I basically want to sample a little... I've never really done that.
Speaking as a guy (albeit one significantly older than you), I can say that the "friends with benefits" situation, as long as they're not total douchebags, still leaves open the potential for a long term relationship later. Just protect yourself from the kinds of guys who would consider you a slut (and that's easier said than done).

I have a friend that's a master at casual dating. She's got more guys at her beck and call than anyone I know, and seems to be satisfied with that. But she has met boyfriends this way too.

I think its a trade-off: for example, I wouldn't want to date anyone I didn't genuinely like alot, or saw the future of a relationship with, so a couple 'casual' dates would be pretty much it for me - either it works out, or it doesn't. If you want to be more casual/indestinct, you also have to be less selective, and risk going out with people you don't particularly like or respect so that forgetting about them a few days later won't be a problem. I think its a little ruthless, and isn't my style at all. That said, you can have fun with it as long as you don't worry about the other person too much, keep the right attitude, and don't take yourself too seriously.

Also, choose the guys wisely - some guys will not appreciate being dated 'casually' and will have a low opinion of you once they find out what's going on. Others will understand it to be the normal and appropriate way to get to know each other and have fun.

lol. I do have a problem with the whole concern for other's feelings and taking myself too seriously bit.

Of course other people's opinions of me have never really mattered so much.

lol. I do have a problem with the whole concern for other's feelings and taking myself too seriously bit.

Of course other people's opinions of me have never really mattered so much.
I guess my wife and I don't fit people's conventions, either.

We go to dance clubs and dance with other people most of the time. We do go together, but spend most of the night dancing with other people.

We also have male and female friends over to our bedroom for sex. Our rule is that the outside people are "friends with benefits" and no play unless both of us are present.

Surprisingly, this works better than any relationship I've ever had before.

Maybe that's because our relationship is about far more than sex, dancing, and having fun on a Friday night.

Having grown up part of the 'Friends' generation, I would have thought this was what every guy wanted to hear! Dammit, TV has lied to me again!:headbang:

lol. I do have a problem with the whole concern for other's feelings and taking myself too seriously bit.

Of course other people's opinions of me have never really mattered so much.Well, you're probably not the type of personality that can do the whole 'casual dating' thing very succesfully then. You should just date people you actually like, and go with the flow. What happens will happen, there's no point planning it.

Well, you're probably not the type of personality that can do the whole 'casual dating' thing very succesfully then. You should just date people you actually like, and go with the flow. What happens will happen, there's no point planning it.
That's generally what I do... I just don't want a relationship right now.

That's generally what I do... I just don't want a relationship right now.
then don't look for people to date, period. Friends, (including males) are nice, you know.

then do look for people to date, period. Friends, (including males) are nice, you know.
I have been doing that.

I got asked out kinda last night... we didn't set up a time and all that, but he took my number (I just hope he's as good at memorizing numbers as he claimed to be...)

I have been doing that.

I got asked out kinda last night... we didn't set up a time and all that, but he took my number (I just hope he's as good at memorizing numbers as he claimed to be...)
Oh my gosh, I totally got asked out last night too. While I was with that non-boyfriend of mine. And the guy asking me out was one of my ex's roommates, so I see him all the time when I'm hanging out with my ex.

See, only in casual dating scenarios can these kinds of things seem like regular, everyday occurances.

Simonist']Oh my gosh, I totally got asked out last night too. While I was with that non-boyfriend of mine. And the guy asking me out was one of my ex's roommates, so I see him all the time when I'm hanging out with my ex.

See, only in casual dating scenarios can these kinds of things seem like regular, everyday occurances.
lol.

I guess so. Well, before I went out last night, I had been intending to hit on one of my friends and seeing what would come of it, but he arrived later and I'd been talking to this other guy and we ended up spending most of the night talking and drinking and all, he walked me home and everything. It was nice.

I think this can definitely work, but you have to keep looking at it, reminding yourself that you are out with a friend, not a "date" as that poses certain unspoken rules.. Friends can always have "benefits" I can imagine you can make friends with a guy, as you seem like a nice girl, and then if you decide to be more, just jump on him one day. Trust me, guys reciprocate if we want to, and let you know you've crossed a line if we don't want to, no harm done... The key is to remember you want to remain friends....

(Also, reminds me of a seinfeld episode, I believe it was titled "the agreement")

Does anybody know how this works, exactly?

Well, what the general manners are for it at least... I always try to just date people casually and usually what ends up happening is that they end up wanting to see me exclusively and I eventually cave plus I generally lack the mutual interest of a couple of guys in order to date a couple people at a time and keep it casual sort of thing (sorry if that doesn't make sense)

Well, basically what I want to know is, how does one keep it casual? I don't want to date with the intent of having a relationship, I want to date with the intent of getting to know new people better and having fun. Do I have to bring this up early on, (that I just want to date) or deal with it when it comes up? Do I mention that I am dating others or interested in others or perhaps when scheduling dates, if they want to see me Saturday and I've got a date with someone else Saturday do I say "Oh, I'm seeing so-and-so." or keep it vague and just say "I'm not free then".
I know this is probably way too much to ask and assume that might occur, seeing as I might have one date with one guy and that's it, but it's probably better than peppering the board with a number of threads on roughly the same subject over a while...
I wouldn't see a problem with it unless oyu were kissing or boning one or more of the contestants then it isn't really fair.

"It was just a thing. Now stop calling me."

-I'd find it amusing if it works.

I wouldn't see a problem with it unless oyu were kissing or boning one or more of the contestants then it isn't really fair.
How is it not fair if anything physical happens?

For me, physical relationships don't need an intense emotional component, being friendly towards them with a bit of attraction is good enough.

Hell, if this was a matter of just hanging out then there'd be no problem, I know it's alright for me to hang out with a different friend every night.

Well, but there's the physical component that doesn't necessarily happen in hanging out.
Here's your problem. If you're casual dating there is only limited contact. Maybe a goodnight kiss or hug.

I casual dated for years. Had lots of fun and always split as friends. The secret was to limit sexual contact. Once you go beyond the basics, the other person has every right to think you are committed.

I casual dated for years. Had lots of fun and always split as friends. The secret was to limit sexual contact. Once you go beyond the basics, the other person has every right to think you are committed.
I've never made such an assumption. I know other people who don't either...

How is it not fair if anything physical happens?

For me, physical relationships don't need an intense emotional component, being friendly towards them with a bit of attraction is good enough.

Hell, if this was a matter of just hanging out then there'd be no problem, I know it's alright for me to hang out with a different friend every night.
Because if you are sharing bodily fluids with a couple of people(or more) and they don't know about the other/s you may be messing with otheir minds.
If they all don't mind it is 'acceptable'.

Well my thoughts.

just ask them to get a STD test then tell em to join the line. I think its safe, honest actually pretty brilliant *ponders*

just ask them to get a STD test then tell em to join the line. I think its safe, honest actually pretty brilliant *ponders*
Maybe you could even start charging. It would be all the perks of being an escort only you get to choose the customers

Maybe you could even start charging. It would be all the perks of being an escort only you get to choose the customers
I would go along with this. A is far more honorable than a . At least a earns an honest dollar for the time put in. That's captialism.