NationStates Jolt Archive


Recieved in an email: "A Guy's Guide to Life."

Eutrusca
16-01-2006, 20:35
A Guy's Guide To Life


1. Old people always have exact change.

2. Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom "the little boys room."

3. Women who sound sexy on the radio weigh 377 pounds.

4. Sitcom characters watching porn always tilt their heads.

5. In movies Italians can play Jews and Jews can play Italians, but neither can play Lutherans.

6. No talking at the urinal.

7. White cars look good only on Fantasy Island.

8. Lesbians make the best breakfast.

9. No matter how hard you practice, you cannot say the phrase, "Yeah, right" without sounding sarcastic.

10. Never trust a man with pictures of balloons on his checks.

11. Women named after a month of the year are usually frisky.

12. The sniffing of one's finger is a pleasure best indulged discreetly.

13. Inviting others to sniff one's finger: more discreetly still.

14. Stewardesses from Third World airlines are much more attractive than those of developed countries.

15. Never play cards with a man who wears a visor.

16. The dumber the man, the louder he talks.

17. Born-again Christians have the most meticulously parted hair.

18. Unless you are a Pilgrim, large shoe buckles are to be avoided.

19. A man should avoid using the phrase "assume the position" on the first date.

20. The last people who should be having kids are always the first to do so.

21. Seat belts do wrinkle your suit, but so do windshields.

22. The fatter the man the smaller the swimsuit.

23. The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.

24. Walking into staples and shouting, "Hey, where are the staples?" isn't funny.

25. Pennies are inappropriate at strip clubs.

26. Dogs with bandanas around their necks are not pleased with the accessory.

27. Captain Crunch should be Admiral Crunch by now.

28. Women who have two or more brothers are less likely to be disgusted by you.

29. There's a special circle in Hell reserved for those who adjust their rearview mirrors while you wait for their parking space.

30. A gentleman never considers sexual activity until the dog has been sent to another room.

31. Pretending to get all confused in the elevator and pressing her nipple instead of a floor button will not get you laid.

32. No matter how furtive or quick the glance, a woman always knows when you are looking at their breasts.

33. People who begin sentences by saying "With all due respect," are in fact preparing to impart loads of disrespect.

34. Never trust a man who knows all the dance steps to "Bye, bye, bye."

35. There's no thrill like the thrill of getting cash in the mail.

36. People who live in glass houses watch 65 percent less porn.

37. The lower a waiter bends down when introducing himself, the less the should be trusted.

38. A tattoo of a teardrop is not a sign of sensitivity.

39. The best villains have accents and walk slowly.

40. The wackier a doctor's neckties, the less prestigious his medical school.

41. The allure of strip clubs drops dramatically when your girlfriend works in one.

42. Horizontal stripes on your boxers will not make your penis appear larger.

43. When you die, they will find your porn.

44. Your bumper sticker is only 3 percent as clever as you think it is.

45. Lemme is the best of the faux contractions, followed by gimme.
Pure Metal
16-01-2006, 20:42
24. Walking into staples and shouting, "Hey, where are the staples?" isn't funny.

29. There's a special circle in Hell reserved for those who adjust their rearview mirrors while you wait for their parking space.

lmao! :p
sometimes chain emails are worth it :P
Ruloah
16-01-2006, 20:47
A Guy's Guide To Life

3. Women who sound sexy on the radio weigh 377 pounds.



From experience, I know that is definitely true. I got fooled once, when I was young and working for the phone company. The dispatcher sounded so hot, I just had to meet her. That was the first and last time I ever tried to meet someone I had not seen first. Her description of herself was 180 degrees off; consequently, I did not recognize her when I went into the office. Her friends passed me around, from desk to desk, until I got to hers. I was suddenly verrry verrrry busy for the rest of my life...:gundge:
Silliopolous
16-01-2006, 21:36
Wow. Lucky you Eutrusca !


All I got in my email today was an offer to purchase spam-blocker software at a discount...












... you want it?

:p
Sumamba Buwhan
16-01-2006, 21:48
A Guy's Guide To Life


11. Women named after a month of the year are usually frisky. (true from experience)

12. The sniffing of one's finger is a pleasure best indulged discreetly.

13. Inviting others to sniff one's finger: more discreetly still.

20. The last people who should be having kids are always the first to do so. (and it pisses me off :mad: )

28. Women who have two or more brothers are less likely to be disgusted by you. (which explains how I scored with such a wonderful woman)

35. There's no thrill like the thrill of getting cash in the mail. (ain't it the truth)

43. When you die, they will find your porn. (*is worried now*)

44. Your bumper sticker is only 3 percent as clever as you think it is. (but I still have to ride your ass to read them - stupid small print)




hehe

my faves
Legless Pirates
16-01-2006, 21:52
Eutrusca: quick question. Are you too lazy to forward this to everyone you have on your addy list, or is it just that you don't know where the Forward button is?
Allthenamesarereserved
16-01-2006, 22:17
46). The music in porno movies always sucks.
Legless Pirates
16-01-2006, 22:18
46). The hookers in porno movies always suck.
better
Heron-Marked Warriors
16-01-2006, 22:22
32. No matter how furtive or quick the glance, a woman always knows when you are looking at their breasts.

I remember when spammy e-mails were grammatical... **wistful sigh**

Other than that little annoyance: LMAO
Allthenamesarereserved
16-01-2006, 22:28
better
LOL. Well fine, how about 'There should never be music in a porno'?
Ifreann
16-01-2006, 22:37
LOL. Well fine, how about 'There should never be music in a porno'?

No, it's: Never trust anyone who can comment properly on porn music.

Also: Never trust skinny chefs or fat waiters
[NS]Simonist
16-01-2006, 22:37
LOL. Well fine, how about 'There should never be music in a porno'?
Have you ever SEEN a music-less porno? They're even more horrible, man. It's nothing but the constant "thk-thk-thk-thk" of....well....y'know.....

Luckily, as a girl, I know they won't find my porn when I die :D
Legless Pirates
16-01-2006, 22:41
Simonist']Luckily, as a girl, I know they won't find my porn when I die :D
Because..... you've buried it in the garden and only you know the location? That NEVER works
Ifreann
16-01-2006, 22:42
Simonist']Have you ever SEEN a music-less porno? They're even more horrible, man. It's nothing but the constant "thk-thk-thk-thk" of....well....y'know.....

Luckily, as a girl, I know they won't find my porn when I die :D

We've already found it.
Cos your porn is available in all good retailers.
It's the one with your picture on the front.
Nova Roma
16-01-2006, 22:42
I remember when spammy e-mails were grammatical... **wistful sigh**

Other than that little annoyance: LMAO

You little grammar Nazi! :p
[NS]Simonist
16-01-2006, 22:47
We've already found it.
Cos your porn is available in all good retailers.
It's the one with your picture on the front.
....Well goddamn, that was fast. Three weeks pass, that's some damn impressive distribution.

I'm comforted to know it's in all the good retailers ;)
Legless Pirates
16-01-2006, 22:48
Good retail isn't what it used to be :(

I mean.... *shiftyeyes*
Heron-Marked Warriors
16-01-2006, 22:49
You little grammar Nazi! :p

Shush you! I'm six foot two and overweight, and don't you forget it :p