NationStates Jolt Archive

As one of the oldest posters on here, I can get away with telling these jokes. And just this one time, feel free to add any "older" jokes you know of. Do it any other time and I'll beat you to death with my walker! :D

-- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

-- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

-- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

-- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

-- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

-- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

-- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

--THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

This is from one of Seinfeld's standup things he does before each episode.

"YOu know what. Your first and last birthdays are very similar. People are making a big deal out of the event and you have no clue what is even going on. I mean who are these people? YOu have no idea who the people there are and have to be told who they are.

This is from one of Seinfeld's standup things he does before each episode.

"YOu know what. Your first and last birthdays are very similar. People are making a big deal out of the event and you have no clue what is even going on. I mean who are these people? YOu have no idea who the people there are and have to be told who they are.
Heh! If you're lucky, you live to be that old. :)

I was giving my dad a hard time one night calling him "Old Man", etc.

He replied" You're twenty and I'm fifty and I can say I changed your diapers. When you're 30 and I'm 60, I can still say I changed your diapers. When you're 40 and I'm 70, I can still say I changed your diapers"

My response" Dad, when I'm 40 and you're 70, I'll be changing YOUR diapers."

I was giving my dad a hard time one night calling him "Old Man", etc.

He replied" You're twenty and I'm fifty and I can say I changed your diapers. When you're 30 and I'm 60, I can still say I changed your diapers. When you're 40 and I'm 70, I can still say I changed your diapers"

My response" Dad, when I'm 40 and you're 70, I'll be changing YOUR diapers."
Heh! Good response. Unfortuantely for you, most 70-year-olds don't even wear diapers, much less need help changing them. :p

Heh! Good response. Unfortuantely for you, most 70-year-olds don't even wear diapers, much less need help changing them. :p

I think that would be "fortunately" for me. :)

I think that would be "fortunately" for me. :)
ROFLMAO! True, true. You're pretty good with the "snappy come-backs" ain't ya! :D

Heh! Good response. Unfortuantely for you, most 70-year-olds don't even wear diapers, much less need help changing them. :p

I know, its awful! selfish bastards expect us to clean their piss up instead.

"I read in the newspaper that Ronald reagan's Alzheimers is getting worse. How does that make him feel when he reads it? 'Oh, shit!' or 'Hey honey, look! Ronald Reagan's alzheimers is getting worse!' " -Robert Schimmel

"Another travesty; White guys who shave their heads completely bald. Poor guy is so ashamed he lost nine hairs that he's going to try to turn it into masculine statement. I say, 'Hey, you goofy baldy-headed fuck! It looks good on black guys. On you it's disgusting, repulsive and wrong.' If you want to be bald, do what I did; Wait a while! In the meantime, there's no excuse for looking like a freshly circumcised dick!" -George Carlin.