NationStates Jolt Archive


my short story

Avika
10-01-2006, 20:28
“The Wolf Tribe”
Avika

If history gets forgotten, it repeats itself. That’s why I’m telling you this. You’re the only one outside my tribe and its allies that I can trust. Anyone else would spin it around and morph it to suit their agenda. Not you. At least I hope not. Just make sure you remember it. Write it down if you must. Just don’t forget it.

It all started two years and eight months back. My tribe arrived here on this island after five years at sea. We sailed the ocean picking up new tribal members and supplies. We could only recruit those who barely survived oppression, like we did. We also could only get the cheapest weapons and foods. We’ve developed immunity to many fungal and bacterial diseases, so what we had to eat mattered not. As I said, we spent five years at sea. I’m also surprised that we survived, seeing as that we had no previous experience off of land.

Anyway, after we spent five years at sea, we landed here on Vluwolx. We then massacred Bune troops. Back then, Bune wasn’t a pathetically weak tribe. It was a powerful empire led by a dictator with a clichéd dream. He hoped to conquer all of this land to cleanse it. It wasn’t long after he came into power before he attacked us. We put up a good fight, but we were eventually forced off our land. We returned a favor, you might say.

After that victory, we set up our first village here since our defeat five years earlier. The town has since grown, but only out. The original buildings lay undisturbed about one mile over there. The first thing we built was a temple to our goddess Ca. The temple is the single most important building in our village. It’s where we store our food supply so it can be safe. Its thick walls protect us from powerful storms. The priests and monks there work as our village’s doctors and surgeons. We always build temples first.

About two months after landing here, our first village was complete. It was then when I organized a small party to accompany me on my journey to find the Fox Tribe. They were an old ally of ours who I knew couldn’t escape the Bune Empire. I took a few of troops and a priestess. I knew that we’d have to fight some Bune soldiers along the way. They were everywhere.

It took three entire days of trekking to find the Fox Tribe. Although half their village was completely destroyed, they were still there. We headed over to their temple to talk to their chief. Five years and two months had past and he was still working there. We discussed the matters at hand for hours before agreeing that it would be best for his tribe to move to my village. My party would have to stay overnight at the temple. We prayed at the feet of their Ca statue for about five hours before we retired to our bunks.

At daybreak, we led the entire Fox Tribe to our village. Although the Fox tribe traditionally levels its village when they move to another location, they left this one standing. I guess they didn’t want the Bune Empire to discover their absence.
It took only one day to reach our village because we knew exactly where it was. We didn’t have to go looking for it.

They would have to stay at the temple for awhile. They wanted to show their appreciation for our hospitality. They worked the fields while our farmers built their houses. They cleaned our temple and gave our priestesses new Ca gowns, which were floor length dresses with fox-eared hoods, clawed gloves, and wooden fox-snouts. They were designed to make the priestesses look like our vixen goddess. It was very important for our religion that they wore Ca gowns.

After about a month, their chief and I began discussing plans to assault Bune, capital and birthplace of the Bune Empire. There was to be a relatively small assault from the south followed soon after by a massive invasion from the northwest. But first, the Bune forces would have to be softened by a relentless two-day barrage of arrows from the southeast and southwest. Timing and training would be crucial. We agreed that while I maintained the village, he would train the troops. It wouldn’t take long. All they would have to be trained for was long-ranged archery. Their hand-to-hand combat was legendary, so training would be pretty quick.

Four-months, two weeks, and five days after we arrived here on that ship, we would finally cripple the one empire that crippled our forces over five years ago. I would lead the northern forces. He would lead the southern forces. After the southern forces successfully breached the town gates, we came out of hiding and charged past the surprisingly weak gates into the town. We massacred the soldiers as we avoided the women and children trying to jump on top of us from the tall buildings. We quickly made it past the piles of corpses. While I sent my troops to massacre any soldier that stood in their way, I went after William Bune IX, Bune emperor.

I had a score to settle with that tyrant ever since I saw him personally kill my parents. I know it sounds all too clichéd, but it’s true. Since my father was just a lowly farmer, it didn’t take long before he axed him to death. He then had my mother buried alive under the spot where he axed my father. I swore that I would end his thirst for blood that day.

I found him on the roof of his castle next to his daughter. Just as I pulled out my sword, he shoved her off the roof and three hundred feet to her death. I knew that this was his way of telling me something. I don’t know what he was trying to tell me. I once asked him what he liked to eat and he killed five people. I just don’t understand his freaky language.

We fought for several hours. Just when I thought I was too weary to continue, I somehow managed to slice off Bune’s left leg. I raised my sword into the air and impaled him right in his skull. When he collapsed onto his back, I could see the sword’s blade coming out of his neck slightly. I took my sword out of him and somehow worked my way to Bune’s secret oils storage. I took some rope, put one end in a container of oils and put the other in a nearby furnace. I made my way out and rallied the troops.
Right as we were leaving the town, giant fireballs came out of the ground near the castle. We watched as the once mighty castle of the mighty Bune Empire collapsed. We knew that the Bune Empire would soon collapse as the last living Bune was now dead.

We returned to the village to celebrate the fact that we crippled the empire without a single scratch. Life would return to the way it was before the Bune Empire conquered our land. Three months later, I married my love interest at the temple. I know that’s another cliché, but she was the smartest and hottest priestess I could get. She learned tribal politics while I studied our religion intensely. As part of tribal tradition, I occasionally did her work in her hooded dress while she occasionally wore my uniform and led the tribe.

That’s basically all you’d need to know. You got the events you needed. As I told you three days ago: I rarely forget a thing that needs remembering. Now go and spread the word. Write books on what I told you. Anything that keeps our history alive is greatly appreciated.



How is it? I need to write it for an English assignment, but if it isn't good, I'll get an F. It's A or F time.
Panthronan
10-01-2006, 20:34
I couldnt read it after i read this one sentence


"It all started two years, and eight years back."



Not going to lie...i hope its a typo becuase if its not...
Avika
10-01-2006, 20:40
Damn it. It was supposed to be eight months.
Nerotika
10-01-2006, 20:43
I thought it was good but I just couldn`t resist picking the robot option on the poll.
Avika
10-01-2006, 21:08
I picked that robot option too.
Ashmoria
10-01-2006, 21:48
assuming that this is a highschool assignment and it doesnt represent your start on the great american novel....

i liked it. i like that feeling of oral history.

so these are the parts i have trouble with
Anyway, after we spent five years at sea, we landed here on Vluwolx. We then massacred Bune troops. Back then, Bune wasn’t a pathetically weak tribe. It was a powerful empire led by a dictator with a clichéd dream. He hoped to conquer all of this land to cleanse it. It wasn’t long after he came into power before he attacked us. We put up a good fight, but we were eventually forced off our land. We returned a favor, you might say.

i dont understand this paragraph. are you saying you ended up back where you started or what? you got a start on the island but were pushed off it? pushed to another spot? is bune a pathetically weak tribe NOW? it just isnt clear enough to figure out on first (or second) reading.

I had a score to settle with that tyrant ever since I saw him personally kill my parents. I know it sounds all too clichéd, but it’s true. Since my father was just a lowly farmer, it didn’t take long before he axed him to death. He then had my mother buried alive under the spot where he axed my father. I swore that I would end his thirst for blood that day.

while there is nothing wrong with having a score to settle, its either the wrong time to bring up that its personal (and now i have to wonder if my first guess at "you returned to where you had started" was right after all) or its worded wrong. or both. it doesnt NEED to be personal when you are a rag-tag group bent on earning a spot for yourself on this earth.

We fought for several hours

needs more detail or something. it screams "i dont know how to write this fight"


I took my sword out of him and somehow worked my way to Bune’s secret oils storage. I took some rope, put one end in a container of oils and put the other in a nearby furnace. I made my way out and rallied the troops.

too "action movie scene" why would he have a secret oil storage and why would you know where it is? burn the palace down some other way.

We returned to the village to celebrate the fact that we crippled the empire without a single scratch. Life would return to the way it was before the Bune Empire conquered our land. Three months later, I married my love interest at the temple. I know that’s another cliché, but she was the smartest and hottest priestess I could get. She learned tribal politics while I studied our religion intensely. As part of tribal tradition, I occasionally did her work in her hooded dress while she occasionally wore my uniform and led the tribe.

no one wins without a scratch, make it without losing a single man. you dont call your wife a "love interest" or say she is hot. she is your sweetheart or your beloved and she is the most beautiful woman in the world. did you mention her ealier when you were talking about the temple? if not, add her in up there.

there are some grammar errors in there too. read it out loud and theyll show themselves to you.

anyway, like i said, i liked it. what is your teacher looking for in a short story?