If Christianity had Customer Service...
I V Stalin
09-01-2006, 18:49
God Wants To Know
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential and that you need not disclose your name and address unless you desire a direct response to your comments or suggestions.
1. How did you first find out about God?
Newspaper
Television
Word of mouth
Divine Inspiration
Other (please state)
2. Are you currently using any other sources of inspiration, security or guidance in addition to God? Please tick all that apply.
Tarot
Fortune Cookies
Horoscopes
Self-help books
Bio-rhythms
Insurance policies
Lottery
Television
Advice columns
Sex
Alcohol
Other drugs
Other (please state)
None
3. God generally employs a limited amount of Divine Intervention to keep a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Would you prefer: (circle one)
More Divine Intervention
Less Divine Intervention
Current level of Divine Intervention just right
Don't know
4. God also attempts to maintain a fairly balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1-5 His handling of the following:
Disasters (flood, famine, war, etc.)
Miracles (recovery from disease, heroic rescues, sport upsets, etc.)
5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?
Liskeinland
09-01-2006, 18:51
Might I say that most Customer Services, especially if they include Tech Support, are the work of the devil in bringing the sin of wrath out in people. :)
Dodudodu
09-01-2006, 18:59
Might I say that most Customer Services, especially if they include Tech Support, are the work of the devil in bringing the sin of wrath out in people. :)
I'd have to say thats true. Called in on a technical problem the other day. The asshole on the other end didn't speak English. Alright, maybe he's not really an asshole, but he doesn't speak my language, so he's an asshole.
I V Stalin
09-01-2006, 19:02
I'd have to say thats true. Called in on a technical problem the other day. The asshole on the other end didn't speak English. Alright, maybe he's not really an asshole, but he doesn't speak my language, so he's an asshole.
And this is how Britain conquered a quarter of the world.
Now, I hate to sound critical here, but surely God wouldn't need people to fill out questionnaires if he's omnipotent...surely he could predict the answers? Also, that was piss-funny... oh my poor bladder.
Liskeinland
09-01-2006, 19:06
I'd have to say thats true. Called in on a technical problem the other day. The asshole on the other end didn't speak English. Alright, maybe he's not really an asshole, but he doesn't speak my language, so he's an asshole. I'm thinking of the time I complained to tech support because I had an eMac and stuff wasn't running correctly: they said that since the software wasn't supposed to run on iMacs… well, i and e are close together in the alphabet, aren't they?
So, I reject this work of Satan. [/Aquinas]
Daistallia 2104
09-01-2006, 19:18
God Wants To Know
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential and that you need not disclose your name and address unless you desire a direct response to your comments or suggestions.
1. How did you first find out about God?
Newspaper
Television
[/]Word of mouth
Divine Inspiration
Other (please state)
2. Are you currently using any other sources of inspiration, security or guidance in addition to God? Please tick all that apply.
Tarot
Fortune Cookies
Horoscopes
Self-help books
Bio-rhythms
Insurance policies
Lottery
[/]Television
Advice columns
Sex
[/]Alcohol
Other drugs
Other (please state)
None
3. God generally employs a limited amount of Divine Intervention to keep a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Would you prefer: (circle one)
More Divine Intervention
Less Divine Intervention
[/]Current level of Divine Intervention just right
Don't know
4. God also attempts to maintain a fairly balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1-5 His handling of the following:
[1]Disasters (flood, famine, war, etc.)
[5]Miracles (recovery from disease, heroic rescues, sport upsets, etc.)
5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?
A show of actual evidence would be helpful.
;)
I V Stalin
09-01-2006, 19:21
-snip-
5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?
A show of actual evidence would be helpful.
;)
:p Brilliant.
Minoriteeburg
09-01-2006, 19:23
5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?
A show of actual evidence would be helpful.
;)
LOL
if god had customer service, then what would the waiting music be since you'd be hearing a lot of it.
probably iron butterfly or something.
[NS]Simonist
09-01-2006, 19:42
1. How did you first find out about God?
1. Newspaper
2. Television
3. Word of mouth
4. Divine Inspiration
5. Other (please state)
2. Are you currently using any other sources of inspiration, security or guidance in addition to God? Please tick all that apply.
1. Tarot
2. Fortune Cookies
3. Horoscopes
4. Self-help books
5. Bio-rhythms
6. Insurance policies
7. Lottery
8. Television
9. Advice columns
10. Sex
11. Alcohol
12. Other drugs
13. Other (please state)
14. None
3. God generally employs a limited amount of Divine Intervention to keep a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Would you prefer: (circle one)
1. More Divine Intervention
2. Less Divine Intervention
3. Current level of Divine Intervention just right
4. Don't know
4. God also attempts to maintain a fairly balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1-5 His handling of the following:
1. Disasters (flood, famine, war, etc.): 4
2. Miracles (recovery from disease, heroic rescues, sport upsets, etc.): 3
5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? Not really, but if you could....tell Nana I said hey.
Minoriteeburg
09-01-2006, 19:43
*goes down list for customer serivce*
fucking customer service can't i just skip the options and speak to a person?!?!?!?!
National Sarcasm Society?
This organisation sounds interesting...
Daistallia 2104
09-01-2006, 19:54
LOL
if god had customer service, then what would the waiting music be since you'd be hearing a lot of it.
probably iron butterfly or something.
Funny that you ask. There doesn't seem to be any music at all...
[NS]Simonist
09-01-2006, 20:04
Funny that you ask. There doesn't seem to be any music at all...
What, you.....you can't hear the choir of angels?
(almost left it as choir of angles....)
I V Stalin
10-01-2006, 02:35
Bump before I fall asleep at the keyboard...
Avarhierrim
10-01-2006, 06:26
Word of mouth
Tarot
Fortune Cookies
Horoscopes
Self-help books
Bio-rhythms
Insurance policies
Lottery
Television
Advice columns
More Divine Intervention
Disasters (flood, famine, war, etc.) 1
Miracles (recovery from disease, heroic rescues, sport upsets, etc.) 1
OntheRIGHTside
10-01-2006, 06:40
Too bad you can't talk to God without dieing.
New Rafnaland
10-01-2006, 06:42
Too bad you can't talk to God without dieing.
What happened to prayer? I thought that was talking to God. It just doesn't imply a response, though. And even if God were to respond, it probably wouldn't be in the way that one would expect.
OntheRIGHTside
10-01-2006, 06:47
What happened to prayer? I thought that was talking to God. It just doesn't imply a response, though. And even if God were to respond, it probably wouldn't be in the way that one would expect.
Well, I mean, God can't speak to you. I suppose he could make you have a nice vision or peculiar thought, but the voice of God is supposed to shatter your mortal form, or something.
New Rafnaland
10-01-2006, 06:48
God Wants To Know
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential and that you need not disclose your name and address unless you desire a direct response to your comments or suggestions.
1. How did you first find out about God?
[ ]Newspaper
[ ]Television
[ ]Word of mouth
[x]Divine Inspiration
[ ]Other (please state)
2. Are you currently using any other sources of inspiration, security or guidance in addition to God? Please tick all that apply.
[ ]Tarot
[ ]Fortune Cookies
[ ]Horoscopes
[ ]Self-help books
[ ]Bio-rhythms
[ ]Insurance policies
[ ]Lottery
[ ]Television
[ ]Advice columns
[ ]Sex
[ ]Alcohol
[ ]Other drugs
[x]Other (please state): The words of great men.
[ ]None
3. God generally employs a limited amount of Divine Intervention to keep a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Would you prefer: (circle one)
[x]More Divine Intervention
[ ]Less Divine Intervention
[ ]Current level of Divine Intervention just right
[ ]Don't know
4. God also attempts to maintain a fairly balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1-5 His handling of the following:
Disasters (flood, famine, war, etc.) (1) 2 3 4 5
Miracles (recovery from disease, heroic rescues, sport upsets, etc.) (1) 2 3 4 5
5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?
More miracles, fewer disasters.
Oh, and if You're going to establish Your kingdom on earth, could Ya hurry up on that? People are dying down here because Thy kingdom has not come. Which may not matter to You, but it's kinda important to us.
New Rafnaland
10-01-2006, 06:50
Well, I mean, God can't speak to you. I suppose he could make you have a nice vision or peculiar thought, but the voice of God is supposed to shatter your mortal form, or something.
I thought that God was omnipotent... in which case It'd be able to turn down the volumn enough to not do that....
Anti-Social Darwinism
10-01-2006, 06:54
God Wants To Know
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential and that you need not disclose your name and address unless you desire a direct response to your comments or suggestions.
1. How did you first find out about God?
Newspaper
Television
Word of mouth
Divine Inspiration
Other (please state)
2. Are you currently using any other sources of inspiration, security or guidance in addition to God? Please tick all that apply.
Tarot
Fortune Cookies
Horoscopes
Self-help books
Bio-rhythms
Insurance policies
Lottery
Television
Advice columns
Sex
Alcohol
Other drugs
Other (please state) I avoid organized religion and all appointed and self-appointed religious pundits.
None
3. God generally employs a limited amount of Divine Intervention to keep a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Would you prefer: (circle one)
More Divine Intervention
Less Divine Intervention
Current level of Divine Intervention just right
Don't know Don't care
4. God also attempts to maintain a fairly balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1-5 His handling of the following:
Disasters (flood, famine, war, etc.) 5
Miracles (recovery from disease, heroic rescues, sport upsets, etc.)
1
5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? Yes. None that are printable