NationStates Jolt Archive

This thread stems from a thread concerning pre-marital sex.
http://forums2.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=463072
I didn’t want to hijack the thread so I started this one.

I realize there are some people who should never have married in the first place and we do need to have divorce. I'm not at all against it when necessary.

However, I think many people who get married are not committed to the marriage. Their attitude seems to be, "If it doesn't work out we can always get a divorce." Therefore, when problems do arise in the marriage, and they will, instead of trying to work through it or seek conseling, they see the lawyer.

Now, I may be a bit biased as I have been married to the same woman for 37 years. We were engaged three times, she broke it off the first time, I broke it off the second time, and the third time worked. Maybe we lasted so long because we did most of our fighting before we got married. :)

What do you think?

I basically don't understand why marriage would be necessary, apart from the tax breaks.
And I don't intend to get married (not that there would be many applicants anyway).

But I think if you want to get married, and if you want to get a religious ceremony, you ought to take the promisses seriously and you should consider carefully beforehand if it is the right choice.

It really depends on the relationship. Some people get married way too quickly without really thinking about it. It's just how they are. We can wish for more healthy relationships but human nature being as it is, I dont forsee much change. So yes, some people rush into a marriage that isn't destined to work, but there are also those who fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after. Or as close to it as we can get.

I think you're right. Most people don't think marriage isn't as big a deal as it deserves to be.
I'd like to think I wouldn't take it so lightely. So I'm probably not gonna get married and just have lots of sex outside of it if I ever get the chance ;)

I think one fairly good test of whether a marriage would work out is to spend a year living together beforehand. Afterwards, think: based on the past year, would you be able to enjoy living with the same person for the rest of your life?

If yes, then by all means get married (if you are a pro-marriage sort of person; otherwise, just carry on living together). If by the end of the year you have both run out of things to say, are spend more time out of the house simply because you are trying to avoid your partner and really can't stand each other, then maybe marriage isn't a good idea.

I used to think that marriages would last if the two people were committed, and loved eachother, and dated for several years before the engagement, but that was before my dad had an affair and my parents split up. Now I think that people probably aren't meant to be married. Monogomy and love are one thing, but marriage just seems silly now.

I basically don't understand why marriage would be necessary, apart from the tax breaks.
And I don't intend to get married (not that there would be many applicants anyway).

But I think if you want to get married, and if you want to get a religious ceremony, you ought to take the promisses seriously and you should consider carefully beforehand if it is the right choice.

I can think of a couple of reasons for marriage rather than just a committed relationship. The first is the social stigma of living together rather than being married although that is becoming less of an issue in today's society.

The second are the legal aspects such as insurance, finances, and ownership of property, medical decisions, and inheritance. By the way, I understand Oklahoma no longer recognizes common-law-marriages but I'm not 100% positive.

I used to help with pre-marital counseling and I found that a lot of engaged couples see marriage as "the next logical step" almost like when you are in highschool and you decide to go to college, most people just think that's what you are supposed to do. I have met couples that can tell you everything about the wedding they are planning (color of table cloth, china pattern, menu) but basically nothing about their future spouse (what religion they are if any, how many kids they want, if they even want kids, how much money they make, how they budget the money, or even what kind of credit they have) these are not difficult things, most of this stuff came up in conversation with my husband by the third date.

They want to "do what is right" and apparently that means getting married. Most of them think everything is going to be perfect and that they will never have conflict, when something does happen (mostly minor stuff) they question "is this the one?" Marriage is a contract plain and simple, it's not magic, if you aren't happy before you get married, you sure don't stand a good chance of being happy after.

I have known too many people who get divorced just 2 years into the marriage "He didn't make me happy" or "she didn't like my family" these are things that you need to know before you even get engaged imo.

I have a worksheet, of 250 questions to ask someone you are dating to figure out if you should continue the relationship, I would bet that 50% of the people getting married these days don't find out the answers to most of them before they get engaged and that 50% of those still don't know most of the answers by the time they get divorced. I swear people spend more time and research trying to buy a car then they do thinking about who they are getting married to. :rolleyes:

snip...but there are also those who fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after. Or as close to it as we can get.

I'm glad you put that caveat in there; nothing is ever like it is in Cinderella. :D

I used to think that marriages would last if the two people were committed, and loved eachother, and dated for several years before the engagement, but that was before my dad had an affair and my parents split up. Now I think that people probably aren't meant to be married. Monogomy and love are one thing, but marriage just seems silly now.

Sorry about your parents divorce because it is usually the kids, like you, who suffer the most. Very tragic but in many cases unavoidable.

I can think of a couple of reasons for marriage rather than just a committed relationship. The first is the social stigma of living together rather than being married although that is becoming less of an issue in today's society.

The second are the legal aspects such as insurance, finances, and ownership of property, medical decisions, and inheritance. By the way, I understand Oklahoma no longer recognizes common-law-marriages but I'm not 100% positive.
We still do, but the rules have changed, it's no longer based on how long you live with someone or how long you have been in the relationship, but now the rule is if you introduce the person in public as your spouse and they don't dispute it then you are married (common-law) and will have to get a divorce if you split up, before you can get married again, most people don't actually end up getting the divorce because they don't have a "paper common law marriage"

I have "married" a few couples because they decided to file their taxes jointly, which means according to the IRS and the state of Oklahoma they are now common law married, you can also end up with a "paper common law marriage" if you list your boy/girl friend as your spouse on your medical record (instead of just an emergency contact) there are other ways but I can't remember them right now.

Do two people ever enter into marriage thinking "hey we can get a divorse"

I have a worksheet, of 250 questions to ask someone you are dating to figure out if you should continue the relationshipIs that an actual list you could share with us?

Do two people ever enter into marriage thinking "hey we can get a divorse"

No, but they might enter thinking, "hey, we can get a divorce."

Is that an actual list you could share with us?
if I can find it. ;)

they are mostly like

do you want kids?
how many do you want?
how far apart should they be spaced?
what kind of birth control should we use?
how often do you like to have sex?
how do you budget your money?
which is more important to you good credit or having things you want?
what religion are you?
how important is it?
what do you believe about God?
what is your credit score?
how much credit card debt do you have?


stuff like that.

I will look for it, but I am headed back to church soon so it may be a while. ;)

Well, with divorce as readily available as it is, people are likelier to get divorced over less. Sure, some people just can't make things work, such as my parents, and anyone who suggests that my parents are going to hell for getting divorced or that they should have stayed married "for the sake of the kids" or whatever is a colossal moron who doesn't know jack-squat about my family. I am thrilled that they divorced when I was young and didn't turn their one house into a warzone...granted, my brother and i still got a lot of their petty squabbles lumped onto us, but such is life; it beats the hell out of my parents "staying together for the kids" when they would be better off splitting up for the kids.

The fact is, though, people should be encouraged to get to the bottom of their marital problems before deciding to get divorced. I am not suggesting that people should be required to get counseling before a divorce; there are situations where that's just not practical (the three A's come to mind - adultery, addiction, and abuse) but for any other issues, such as the famous "irreconciliable differences" and "extreme cruelty" that people quote like crazy, people might be better suited getting to the root of the problem and hashing out their differences in a setting where they are not trying to screw each other over and use everything from the house and the car to the kids to the family dog as a pawn in their stupid and pointless war with each other.

I can think of a couple of reasons for marriage rather than just a committed relationship. The first is the social stigma of living together rather than being married although that is becoming less of an issue in today's society.

The second are the legal aspects such as insurance, finances, and ownership of property, medical decisions, and inheritance. By the way, I understand Oklahoma no longer recognizes common-law-marriages but I'm not 100% positive.

Social stigma? What social stigma? I realised there used to be one, but even my parents' generation no longer paid that any attention.

As for the legal aspects, I can understand that. That's why I was referring only to the religious ceremonies...

snip...I have met couples that can tell you everything about the wedding they are planning (color of table cloth, china pattern, menu) but basically nothing about their future spouse (what religion they are if any, how many kids they want, if they even want kids, how much money they make, how they budget the money, or even what kind of credit they have) these are not difficult things, most of this stuff came up in conversation with my husband by the third date.

My wife and I also discussed those things before we got married. We decided we wanted to have at least two children, but we would like four if we could afford to have four. We even had the names for two boy and two girls agreed upon before we got married. We ended up with two boys whose names were what we agreed upon. She decided she would be a “stay at home mom” which was great with me. Professional mom and homemaker is a tough job. Unfortunately or fortunately, we couldn't afford to have any more than two.

As we had no daughters, we wanted a granddaughter but my youngest son had two boys and they cannot have any more. My oldest son is still available in case any of you ladies out there want to have a "relationship of whatever kind" and have a girl.
:D

I have a worksheet, of 250 questions to ask someone you are dating to figure out if you should continue the relationship, I would bet that 50% of the people getting married these days don't find out the answers to most of them before they get engaged and that 50% of those still don't know most of the answers by the time they get divorced. I swear people spend more time and research trying to buy a car then they do thinking about who they are getting married to. :rolleyes:

Yould you or could you please post that worksheet someplace and provide a link? It might help some posters out and provoke some interesting discussions. Thanks in advance, but if you can't that's OK. :fluffle:

I think one fairly good test of whether a marriage would work out is to spend a year living together beforehand.You can make shorter work of it. Just lock 'm up together in a single room for a week (and don't necessarily say it's only for a week). With nothing else to do they'll soon find most of the things that will bug the hell out of them in each other.
For added effect starve them of food for a few days, and see if they fight over it when they finally get any.

I swear people spend more time and research trying to buy a car then they do thinking about who they are getting married to. :rolleyes: People "divorce" their cars too much as well… they throw their car away after only 3 or 4 years. :(

I have a worksheet, of 250 questions to ask someone you are dating to figure out if you should continue the relationship, I would bet that 50% of the people getting married these days don't find out the answers to most of them before they get engaged and that 50% of those still don't know most of the answers by the time they get divorced. I swear people spend more time and research trying to buy a car then they do thinking about who they are getting married to.

Ever consider publishing that? Perhaps at the very least putting it in digital format (if it isn't already) and blogging it? I wouldn't at all mind reading it personally; I'm sure others would find it helpful.

Do two people ever enter into marriage thinking "hey we can get a divorse"

Maybe not but perhaps it is in the back of their mind. Point is, if there is a real commitment to "until death do us part" there will be more likelihood of working things out when there are problems. That is not to say that all problems can be worked out and that is why we have divorce.

Social stigma? What social stigma? I realised there used to be one, but even my parents' generation no longer paid that any attention.

As for the legal aspects, I can understand that. That's why I was referring only to the religious ceremonies...

In some places there is still a social stigma to people living together without being married, just as there is still a social stigma in some places to mental illness. :( It isn't necessarily right but, some people go throught life with blinders on while others go through life blind. :eek:

Do two people ever enter into marriage thinking "hey we can get a divorse" Yes. Pre-nups.

People "divorce" their cars too much as well… they throw their car away after only 3 or 4 years. :(

ROFLMAO :)

I am still on the hunt for my worksheet, and no it wasn't in digital form I wasn't as high tech as I am now, 5 years ago :(

I found this webpage (http://www.jannah.org/sisters/queshusbands.html) and while it's geared more to a muslim marriage (it asks questions like "do you have non muslim friends?" where mine asked "do you have friends of different religions?") it is pretty similar in the types of questions.

I have to go to AWANA now, cuz I am the secretary so I have to be early, but as soon as I get home the hunt continues.

If anyone has any ideas for a 'recipe for a good mariage' I'd love to hear them as I have to write a french essay on the subject for tomorrow and I've run out of ideas.

Thanks.:)

If anyone has any ideas for a 'recipe for a good mariage' I'd love to hear them as I have to write a french essay on the subject for tomorrow and I've run out of ideas.

Thanks.:)

Waited a bit late to do the essay huh? :eek: Cest la vie.

This thread stems from a thread concerning pre-marital sex.
http://forums2.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=463072
I didn’t want to hijack the thread so I started this one.

I realize there are some people who should never have married in the first place and we do need to have divorce. I'm not at all against it when necessary.

However, I think many people who get married are not committed to the marriage. Their attitude seems to be, "If it doesn't work out we can always get a divorce." Therefore, when problems do arise in the marriage, and they will, instead of trying to work through it or seek conseling, they see the lawyer.

Now, I may be a bit biased as I have been married to the same woman for 37 years. We were engaged three times, she broke it off the first time, I broke it off the second time, and the third time worked. Maybe we lasted so long because we did most of our fighting before we got married. :)

What do you think?

I think that people who want to be married ought to be committed. :)

This thread stems from a thread concerning pre-marital sex.
http://forums2.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=463072
I didn’t want to hijack the thread so I started this one.

I realize there are some people who should never have married in the first place and we do need to have divorce. I'm not at all against it when necessary.

However, I think many people who get married are not committed to the marriage. Their attitude seems to be, "If it doesn't work out we can always get a divorce." Therefore, when problems do arise in the marriage, and they will, instead of trying to work through it or seek conseling, they see the lawyer.
Damn right, we need some more personal responsibility and less lawyers! Ban divorce! ;)

I have a worksheet, of 250 questions to ask someone you are dating to figure out if you should continue the relationship, I would bet that 50% of the people getting married these days don't find out the answers to most of them before they get engaged and that 50% of those still don't know most of the answers by the time they get divorced.
It is your duty to liberally spread this list around the internet! Starting here!

It is your duty to liberally spread this list around the internet! Starting here!

No it isn't, it is her choice not duty. :eek:

Okay so I just now got home from church (long time gone right ;))

anyway, I typed up what I felt like, and here it is. Remember these are questions to ask someone you are thinking about getting engaged to, not first date conversation. None of the parenting questions are meant to deal with actual decisions, they are just to see how your partner thinks, and compare. Some of the questions sound personal but they are the types of things married couples should know about eachother. The goal of this exercise was not to "see how many questions match up" but to learn more about the other person and get a better feel for them. Like I said I only typed up what I felt like (which wasn't much since I have been up since 5:30a and it's now almost 9p here) So here are about the first 150 some odd questions (hope I don't get into trouble for a long post.

money
how much debt do you have?
have you ever had anything reposessed?
how much money do you make?
how important is your job?
what would you do if you lost your job?
do you have any savings?
how much of your money goes into savings?
when do you want to retire?
how much money do you hope to have when you retire?
how do you feel about loaning people money?
what is more important good credit or having the things you want?
how many credit cards do you have?
do you have a budget?
how do you choose where to spend your money?
how much money do you spend on entertainment?
do you gamble or play the lottery?

children
do you want children?
how many children do you want?
how far apart should the children be spaced?
do you have any thing against birth control?
what kind of birth control should we use?
is it more important to raise happy children, or well disciplined children?
what type of discipline do you think is best for a child?
how do you feel about spankings?
should children be seen and not heard?
how do you feel about day care? home school?
should one of us stay home with the children when they are young?
which one of us should stay home?
why?
what are your top 3 goals when raising a child?
should the child sleep with us or in his own room?
what happens if we find out the child is addicted to drugs?
what would you do if you found out your child stole something?
what if you found out your child had a genetic disorder?
what do you believe about abortion?
if you found out that our child was going to have a health problem would you want to terminate the pregnancy?
should our children be raised in a religion or should we leave them to decide when they get older?
what happens if the child drops out of school?
what type of inheritance should we leave for our child?
should we pay for college?
should they have household chores?
would you give them an allowance?
what would be the conditions for the allowance?

sex
how often would you like to have sex?
who should initiate?
have you ever had sex before?
how many partners have you had?
is there anything I should know about your sexual history?
have you ever had an abortion or miscarriage?
do you have children with anyone else?
have you ever had an STD?
when have you last been tested for STDs?
would you be willing to get tested before we get married?
have you ever been interested in having sex with a same sex partner?
have you ever had sex with a same sex partner?
what do you think about swinging?
what would you do if I cheated on you?
how important is sex to you?
if you had a problem with our sex life would you feel awkward talking to me?
how comfortable are you talking about sex?
if we had a serious problem in the bedroom would you see a sex counselor?
how do you feel about porn?
is there anything you would like to try in the bedroom that you haven't done before?
is there anything you would be opposed to trying?
what woudl happen if I wanted to try something you didn't want to?
where is the weirdest place you have ever had/thought about having sex?
what is the weirdest thing you have ever thought about doing in bed?

day to day stuff
what time do you get up in the morning?
what is your morning routine?
do you take a shower everyday?
do you eat breakfast?
what do you like to eat for breakfast?
do you consider yourself a "morning person"?
can you get ready by yourself?
what chores do you like to do?
are there any chores you are opposed to doing?
who's job is it to "keep house"?
If one of us stays home, how does that change the division of labor?
do you have any annoying habits?
do you have any pet peeves?
can you cook.?
will you cook?
do you enjoy shopping?
what time do you like to get to work?
do you take your lunch?
what time do you get home?
what is your routine when you get home from work?
what time do you like to eat dinner?
do you like to watch TV in the evening?
what types of shows do you like?
do you like sports?
what sports do you follow?
what are your hobbies?
how much time do you spend on them?
how much alone time do you need?
if you were in the shower and I came into the bathroom to pee would that freak you out?
how clean do you like the house?
are there certain things that need to be cleaner than others (ie bathroom vs. bedroom)
do you like the outdoors?
do you like to go to fairs?
do you like to stay home most of the time?
do you like to go to concerts?
how much time out of the house do you like to spend?

religious
what do you believe about God?
are you associated with a certian religion or denomination?
why do you associate with that religion?
what if I am another religion?
how will we raise our children religiously?
do you feel they need to be baptised?
how often do you go to church?
what do you believe about heaven?
what do you believe about hell?
are some sins worse than others?
what is the worst sin you have ever commited?
what happens to people who don't believe your religion?
do you have friends of another religion?
do your religious veiws influence how you vote?
give examples if they do/ explain why not if they don't

family/friends
do you have brothers or sisters?
how do you get along with them?
are your parents living?
how do you get along with them?
how well did your parents get along?
what holidays are important to your family?
how do you celebrate them?
how important is it to be with your family on those days?
how often should we visit your family?
what if your family doesn't like me?
what if your friends don't like me?
true or false "girls/guys come and go but friends are forever"
true or false "blood is thicker than water":
if you had to compare your family to a tv show or movie family which one would you pick and why?
what if you don't like my family?
how important is it for our children to know their extended family?
are there people in your family you don't speak to?
are there people in your family that are abusive or otherwise dangerous around children?
who are you closest to in your family? why?
if your mother and I got into a disagreement whose side would you take?

legal
have you ever been arrested?
what for?
have you ever been convicted of a crime?
have you ever broken the law?
have you ever been in a fight? what happened?
what do you think about police officers?
have you ever gotten a traffic ticket?
what was it for?
do you think it was fair?
have you ever been in a car accident?
whose fault was it?
are some laws worth breaking?
do you cheat on your taxes?
when is it okay to lie?
when is it okay to steal?
has anyone ever taken out a restraining order on you?
did you have a juvenile record?

health
have you ever had surgery?
do you have any chronic conditions?
have you ever been diagnosed with a mental health problem?
do you get depressed?
have you ever had suicidal thoughts?
have you ever tried to commit suicide?
have you ever been in a mental hospital?
do you use illegal drugs?
have you ever battled addiction?
if so, what treatment option did you choose?
are you still in treatment?
are you in therepy?
would you consider therepy if you needed help?
do any health problems run in your family?
are you on any medication?
what are they for?
do you have health insurance?
do you have any health problems?
are you afraid of shots/needles?
are you allergic to anything?

Okay so I just now got home from church (long time gone right ;))

anyway, I typed up what I felt like, and here it is. Remember these are questions to ask someone you are thinking about getting engaged to, not first date conversation. None of the parenting questions are meant to deal with actual decisions, they are just to see how your partner thinks, and compare. Some of the questions sound personal but they are the types of things married couples should know about eachother. The goal of this exercise was not to "see how many questions match up" but to learn more about the other person and get a better feel for them. Like I said I only typed up what I felt like (which wasn't much since I have been up since 5:30a and it's now almost 9p here) So here are about the first 150 some odd questions (hope I don't get into trouble for a long post.


Thank you so much for posting this. I hope everyone who is in a serious relationship will read it and think about it. I also hope they don't get the wrong idea and think of it as a "checklist" but do think of it as a "think list."

I hope they will discuss a majority of these items with their potential partner. I also hope they will know that one of the worst things one can do going into a marriage is to think or say, "I can change him/her," cause it "ain't going to happen."

Thank you so much for posting this. I hope everyone who is in a serious relationship will read it and think about it. I also hope they don't get the wrong idea and think of it as a "checklist" but do think of it as a "think list."

I hope they will discuss a majority of these items with their potential partner. I also hope they will know that one of the worst things one can do going into a marriage is to think or say, "I can change him/her," cause it "ain't going to happen."
yeah, it's mostly to "start a dialogue" about things, I had people who would come back the next day and said the did it (which I knew was a lie) and others that would take weeks to get through it, debating the whole time. These by far are not the only questions you should ask, they just give you a "jumping off point" of topics you need to consider.

one thing though, if you are in a serious relationship with someone and they don't want to answer these questions because they are too personal, you may want to step back and re-examine.

Marriage is about 3 things
honesty
compromise
hard work
if you aren't able to give your all, and keep these three things paramount, then you might need to figure out why. ;)

Sorry about your parents divorce because it is usually the kids, like you, who suffer the most. Very tragic but in many cases unavoidable.

Of course, the opposite can be true as well. I'm probably one of the few people who, as a kid, hoped and prayed for my parents' divorce. It was painfully obvious to me that they weren't happy together, and although I didn't realize it in this way at the time, my father needed to have all support cut off before he would finally realize he needed to get sober.

yeah, it's mostly to "start a dialogue" about things, I had people who would come back the next day and said the did it (which I knew was a lie) and others that would take weeks to get through it, debating the whole time. These by far are not the only questions you should ask, they just give you a "jumping off point" of topics you need to consider.

They make me feel pretty good about my soon-to-be engagement though. There wasn't anything on that list, as far as I can tell, that hasn't been discussed or brought up, or come up in everyday matters. He and I have discussed even our deepest secrets - things we don't discuss with others at all. And of course we've discussed the more mundane things as well. We've met each others' family - even the more embarrassing members, and both get along well with each others' parents. Neither of us thinks that marriage should be something that one goes into lightly (hence the fact that we've been dating for 4 1/2 years and just started looking into getting a ring about a month and a half ago).

I really think we're set. ((And I hope I'm right))

one thing though, if you are in a serious relationship with someone and they don't want to answer these questions because they are too personal, you may want to step back and re-examine.

I agree. If you're in a serious relationship, and even considering marriage, then no question should be "too personal."

They make me feel pretty good about my soon-to-be engagement though. There wasn't anything on that list, as far as I can tell, that hasn't been discussed or brought up, or come up in everyday matters. He and I have discussed even our deepest secrets - things we don't discuss with others at all. And of course we've discussed the more mundane things as well. We've met each others' family - even the more embarrassing members, and both get along well with each others' parents. Neither of us thinks that marriage should be something that one goes into lightly (hence the fact that we've been dating for 4 1/2 years and just started looking into getting a ring about a month and a half ago).

I really think we're set. ((And I hope I'm right))
you sound like you are on the right track, although I expected nothing less since you have always struck me as a highly intelligent person whether we have agreed or not ;)


I agree. If you're in a serious relationship, and even considering marriage, then no question should be "too personal."
exactly.

they are mostly like

do you want kids?
<snip>

stuff like that.


Aw. For me it all boils down to is one simple question.






How drunk are you?

This thread stems from a thread concerning pre-marital sex.
http://forums2.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=463072
I didn’t want to hijack the thread so I started this one.

I realize there are some people who should never have married in the first place and we do need to have divorce. I'm not at all against it when necessary.

However, I think many people who get married are not committed to the marriage. Their attitude seems to be, "If it doesn't work out we can always get a divorce." Therefore, when problems do arise in the marriage, and they will, instead of trying to work through it or seek conseling, they see the lawyer.

Now, I may be a bit biased as I have been married to the same woman for 37 years. We were engaged three times, she broke it off the first time, I broke it off the second time, and the third time worked. Maybe we lasted so long because we did most of our fighting before we got married. :)

What do you think?
Speaking only for myself, I was fully committed to my marriage when I got married, and it was only because of that level of commitment that we lasted as long as we did--six years. The problem, quite frankly, was that I was too young to make that level of decision at that age--I was twenty when I got married. I haven't run the demographics, but I have seen studies that argue that the younger you get married, the more likely you are to wind up divorced--that was certainly the case for me. Now I'm 37, I've been in a monogamous relationship for five years with a woman who also went through a young marriage and divorce, and if we get married, it will be for a reason other than commitment to each other (for instance, if we decide to have a mid-life crisis and join the Peace Corps or something hippie like that). But I'm a way different person now. I'm no less committed--I just understand what that means more fully now.