Kecibukia
05-01-2006, 18:40
Blatantly plaigerised from:http://www.lileks.com/screedblog/06/010506.html
Another year gone by. Three hundred and sixty five days - yet it seemed like a scant 52 weeks. Perhaps it was that extra second added on January First; threw everyone’s internal clocks off. But before the year yields to its inevitable successor, let us look back at the notable moments of 2006. Yes, 2006. Tomorrow’s news, today!
The spy stories continued to add up, as it became increasingly obvious that the Administration was boosting employment statistics by hiring hundreds of thousands of people to read every text-message sent by cell phones. “It’s dull, useless, meaningless work,” said one official, “but as long as it detracts from the search for terror suspects and needlessly intrudes on the right of 14 year old to send inscrutable, abbreviated rants about their parents without fear of detection by indifferent authorities looking for terror warnings, we’re all for it.”
The Supreme Court banned no-knock searches in Mosul; Congress passed legislation requiring US Spec-Ops troops to give up night-vision gear, and wear squeaky shoes, and speak in stage whispers.
The New York Times, fresh from reporting the self-destruct codes for the American spy satellites that had inadvertently listened into fifteen pay-per-view porn orders from cable subscribers in Omaha, revealed that US subs have been violating Chinese territorial waters to monitor military communications. The Times named the boat, the captain, his home address, and posted his credit report online. The boat was never heard from again, and was presumed sunk. Outrage was swift – but only when the Justice Department demanded the names of the people who’d leaked the secret information. “Not content with destroying the Fourth Amendment, this administration seems intent on demolishing the First,” said one legal expert who appeared on CNN but declined to give his name, fearing reprisals. (His name was later leaked to the Times, which printed it, but declined to name its sources.)
Chastened, The Administration begged the Times to put all its classified leaks in the “Times Select” online subscription-only service, guaranteeing no one will read them.
Valerie Plame signed a six-year contract with Cover Girl.
Judge Samuel Alito was confirmed, just in time to cast the deciding vote outlawing parental notification for partial flag-burning.
Saddam was convicted and sentenced to death for crimes against humanity. While awaiting execution he published several children’s books – including “Goodnight Moon and Your Entire Accursed Family as Well” – and this resulted in a Nobel Peace Prize nomination and the solemn, creased-brow support of several Hollywood celebrities. George Clooney announced he would appear in a Saddam biopic,
The US resumed talks with North Korea, which were constantly interrupted by phone calls from someone named “Iran” who wanted technical advice. The North Korean diplomat explained it was his mother; she had a new, uh, computer. Yes that’s it, a computer. Ha ha! You know how old folks are. The simplest things, like email or web browsing or inputting flight coordinates to ensure the airburst doesn’t occur prior to target, and they’re completely at sea. Now where were we?
Midterm elections went better than expected for the Republicans. The Democrats ran on the platform of “We’re not saying what we’d do with a majority, but it rhymes with Imbleach. Other than that, whatever. ” Republicans run on the platform of “Warrant? I got your warrant right here.” For the first time they sweep both New York and New Jersey. Despite the victory, Democrats were successful in blocking ANWAR drilling forever, insisting that the answer to shortages isn’t finding a new resource to tap, it’s reducing consumption.
Later that year, House Democrats moved to tax email instead of cutting the Federal budget.
Zarqawi realized that the campaign of blowing up the hearts and minds of ordinary Iraqis was not exactly winning over the hearts and minds of ordinary Iraqis, and decides to try politics, running for City Commissioner in Baghdad. His campaign slogan – “Perhaps We Got Off On the Wrong Foot” – does not prove successful; disillusioned by failure, he signs on with Al-Jazeera to produce a reality show, where six hopefuls compete to see who will be a suicide bomber. “You’re wired!” he says to the winner.
In the biggest sign of hope for the region yet, the show is a flop.
Another year gone by. Three hundred and sixty five days - yet it seemed like a scant 52 weeks. Perhaps it was that extra second added on January First; threw everyone’s internal clocks off. But before the year yields to its inevitable successor, let us look back at the notable moments of 2006. Yes, 2006. Tomorrow’s news, today!
The spy stories continued to add up, as it became increasingly obvious that the Administration was boosting employment statistics by hiring hundreds of thousands of people to read every text-message sent by cell phones. “It’s dull, useless, meaningless work,” said one official, “but as long as it detracts from the search for terror suspects and needlessly intrudes on the right of 14 year old to send inscrutable, abbreviated rants about their parents without fear of detection by indifferent authorities looking for terror warnings, we’re all for it.”
The Supreme Court banned no-knock searches in Mosul; Congress passed legislation requiring US Spec-Ops troops to give up night-vision gear, and wear squeaky shoes, and speak in stage whispers.
The New York Times, fresh from reporting the self-destruct codes for the American spy satellites that had inadvertently listened into fifteen pay-per-view porn orders from cable subscribers in Omaha, revealed that US subs have been violating Chinese territorial waters to monitor military communications. The Times named the boat, the captain, his home address, and posted his credit report online. The boat was never heard from again, and was presumed sunk. Outrage was swift – but only when the Justice Department demanded the names of the people who’d leaked the secret information. “Not content with destroying the Fourth Amendment, this administration seems intent on demolishing the First,” said one legal expert who appeared on CNN but declined to give his name, fearing reprisals. (His name was later leaked to the Times, which printed it, but declined to name its sources.)
Chastened, The Administration begged the Times to put all its classified leaks in the “Times Select” online subscription-only service, guaranteeing no one will read them.
Valerie Plame signed a six-year contract with Cover Girl.
Judge Samuel Alito was confirmed, just in time to cast the deciding vote outlawing parental notification for partial flag-burning.
Saddam was convicted and sentenced to death for crimes against humanity. While awaiting execution he published several children’s books – including “Goodnight Moon and Your Entire Accursed Family as Well” – and this resulted in a Nobel Peace Prize nomination and the solemn, creased-brow support of several Hollywood celebrities. George Clooney announced he would appear in a Saddam biopic,
The US resumed talks with North Korea, which were constantly interrupted by phone calls from someone named “Iran” who wanted technical advice. The North Korean diplomat explained it was his mother; she had a new, uh, computer. Yes that’s it, a computer. Ha ha! You know how old folks are. The simplest things, like email or web browsing or inputting flight coordinates to ensure the airburst doesn’t occur prior to target, and they’re completely at sea. Now where were we?
Midterm elections went better than expected for the Republicans. The Democrats ran on the platform of “We’re not saying what we’d do with a majority, but it rhymes with Imbleach. Other than that, whatever. ” Republicans run on the platform of “Warrant? I got your warrant right here.” For the first time they sweep both New York and New Jersey. Despite the victory, Democrats were successful in blocking ANWAR drilling forever, insisting that the answer to shortages isn’t finding a new resource to tap, it’s reducing consumption.
Later that year, House Democrats moved to tax email instead of cutting the Federal budget.
Zarqawi realized that the campaign of blowing up the hearts and minds of ordinary Iraqis was not exactly winning over the hearts and minds of ordinary Iraqis, and decides to try politics, running for City Commissioner in Baghdad. His campaign slogan – “Perhaps We Got Off On the Wrong Foot” – does not prove successful; disillusioned by failure, he signs on with Al-Jazeera to produce a reality show, where six hopefuls compete to see who will be a suicide bomber. “You’re wired!” he says to the winner.
In the biggest sign of hope for the region yet, the show is a flop.