NationStates Jolt Archive

I couldn't help myself...

My dad just sent this to me (from work no doubt), and I knew that despite it tastelessness, I had to share it with the rest of NS.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4th November 2005

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to take the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline


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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th November 2005

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family

Pauline


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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 6th November 2005

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline


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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November 2005

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline


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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: Al! l F****** Employees

DATE: 8 November 2004

RE: The ******** Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 9th November 2005

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

John Bishop

I love it.

I love it.
I hope the rest of the people do.

I was beside myself by the end. I loved it! ^__^

I don't often get good jokes via email, but when I do, they're good.

The day off with full pay. The best party of all.:D

It is brilliant. I think the moral of this story is:
Make sure you never have to organise the Christmas party at your office.

Rofl ... fun ... but you might want to change the date. For 2005, Chanukkah does coincide with Christmas and Ramadan is long over. ;)

It's only funny because there are grains of truth in it...

But funny it is! *wipes tears away*

Those poor cross-dressers though!

Rofl ... fun ... but you might want to change the date. For 2005, Chanukkah does coincide with Christmas and Ramadan is long over. ;)
I know that Chanukkah isn't over, since I'm celebrating it today (and yes, I'm 'Catholic', so I get Christmas tomorrow and on Sunday!).

But, I think the essence of it is what we need to focus on, not the details... besides, the inaccuracies make it more of a joke. ^___^

I know that Chanukkah isn't over, since I'm celebrating it today (and yes, I'm 'Catholic', so I get Christmas tomorrow and on Sunday!).


First night isn't until Saturday at sundown. You've started early. ;)


But, I think the essence of it is what we need to focus on, not the details...

But that's what Jews do! Don't oppress me!!!

:D

It is a funny, funny post though. I've passed it along to some friends.

this is such a great commentary on america at this moment. we're all so hung up on our "happy holidays".

of course, i'd rather be one of the PC badgers than the religious right bigots who are boycotting the stores who say "happy holidays" and writing stupid rediculous books about a nonexistant "war on christmas".

you have the white house and congress and 80% of the population. stop whining, christians

It is a funny, funny post though. I've passed it along to some friends.
Yes! SPREAD THE MADNESS!!! Spread it I say!

ROFLMAO

Seriously, I'm still laughing, that is one of the funniest things I have read.

Isn't the title "human resources" un-pc?

Oh Good God!!!!!!!!!

Too F*(#@#! Funny!:d

This is why I hate the whole political correctness thing. It ruins a lot of the good things in the world.

That was pretty funny-I love how each memo tries valiantly to cling to polite decency while giving in at each step.
Just like real life!


Fuck the politically correct- right in their greasy asses.

Man, I wish my HR director would have a breakdown so I could be at home right now instead of at work....

Man, I wish my HR director would have a breakdown so I could be at home right now instead of at work....

Tell them the dip made you queasy and you have to leave.

December 23rd? That would make it a Festivus party, not a Christmas party. :rolleyes:

All hail Kryozerkia!

Tell them the dip made you queasy and you have to leave.

But I won't get paid if I leave for that.

But I won't get paid if I leave for that.

remember the good old days when you were inappropriate and made off color remarks too?

remember the good old days when you were inappropriate and made off color remarks too?

I can still do that, just not here at work. And since my home computer is busted, I can't make inappropriate comments currently. I'm getting my computer fixed soon, though, so good old me will be back.

I can still do that, just not here at work. And since my home computer is busted, I can't make inappropriate comments currently. I'm getting my computer fixed soon, though, so good old me will be back.

I'll look foward to that and I hope you're accumulating a lot of material. Biting my tongue IRL is hard enough, I cant imagine restraint in here.
You're a better man than I.

I'll look foward to that and I hope you're accumulating a lot of material. Biting my tongue IRL is hard enough, I cant imagine restraint in here.
You're a better man than I.

It's taken a lot of willpower. I talk on the phone all day for my job, and in my real life I curse like a sailor. It has been a real challenge to continuously hold my tongue. To my knowledge, I've only let loose a single "heck" as my worst offense thus far.

It's taken a lot of willpower. I talk on the phone all day for my job, and in my real life I curse like a sailor. It has been a real challenge to continuously hold my tongue. To my knowledge, I've only let loose a single "heck" as my worst offense thus far.


A lot of my work is on the phone too and I've been good for a long time. Actually-16 yrs of regulations by the FDCPA havent found me in violation once.
I also dont take much personally and found that helps a lot.

That was so damn funny I laughed myself to death! Even though some small nitpickers think that it isn't real enough I think when something is a little bit to close to the truth it loses its flavor.

A lot of my work is on the phone too and I've been good for a long time. Actually-16 yrs of regulations by the FDCPA havent found me in violation once.
I also dont take much personally and found that helps a lot.

I've never had a really abusive person on the line yet. I've had angry people, but people who knew how to direct their anger at the right source; I wasn't the reason their account was all screwed up, and they recognized it. I've heard horror stories, though.

Right now though it's dead as a doornail so I can say words like fuck and shit.

Right now though it's dead as a doornail so I can say words like fuck and shit.

Thats some cool fuckin' shit

Thats some cool fuckin' shit

Something about the Friday before Christmas generally keeps people from calling with questions about their health insurance.

I've never had a really abusive person on the line yet. I've had angry people, but people who knew how to direct their anger at the right source; I wasn't the reason their account was all screwed up, and they recognized it. I've heard horror stories, though.

I've become quite adept at defusing situations.

Something about the Friday before Christmas generally keeps people from calling with questions about their health insurance.


Good. There are enough curious pricks wandering around.

Good. There are enough curious pricks wandering around.

January 3rd, though, will be the day from hell. Every single problem that has been festering since today will manifest itself, plus every single problem with everyone's benefits for the new year will manifest itself. My head just might explode.

I've become quite adept at defusing situations.
Since you and Sdaeriji are both involved in call-in customer service, let me ask about outsourcing. How worried are either of you that your job will be sent to a call center somewhere in India?

Since you and Saderji are both involved in call-in customer service, let me ask about outsourcing. How worried are either of you that your job will be sent to a call center somewhere in India?

You know, I haven't really thought about it. We already are the outsourcing for the various companies that we are essentially the HR department for, so I guess it never really came to me that we might be outsourced ourselves. Something about the way Fidelity operates makes me think that they'd rather keep these jobs in the US. The whole idea is service over efficiency. Though they have a site in Canada. But the number of callers I've had who express joy that I speak English I couldn't count.

That was great. Insanity ensues.

On the PC note, I was trying to fall asleep this morning when the local morning news came on here. Some guy came on listing his favorite all-time Christmas movies. In the intro he wished everyone a Merry Christmas, Happy Channuka, Happy Kwanza and "for all of those who are atheists, it's just another godless day". Ok. He recited his list (I'm fairly certain he had been hitting the eggnog pretty hard from his behavior) and ended with another holiday spew.

"Merry Christmas, Happy Channuka, Happy Kwanza and for the atheists you're just going to die alone and rot."

*cut to commercial*

I laid there thinking, "Wow, that's bound to piss somebody off." Sure enough when the news came back on a lady's voice said " We'd like to apoligize for those last words from Howie. We are sorry if anybody was offended and we realize it was not appropriate for morning news (which makes me wonder which hour of news it might have been appropriate for)... etc."

I wonder if he still has a job.

You know, I haven't really thought about it. We already are the outsourcing for the various companies that we are essentially the HR department for, so I guess it never really came to me that we might be outsourced ourselves. Something about the way Fidelity operates makes me think that they'd rather keep these jobs in the US. The whole idea is service over efficiency. Though they have a site in Canada. But the number of callers I've had who express joy that I speak English I couldn't count.
That's what I hope is a new trend. I really prefer talking to a person on the other end that understands my version of English. In fact, when I deal with a tech support or customer service rep that's real good, I write letters to the company.

Indians can speak English just fine, but they don't quite think or act in ways that I find predictable.

Hope I haven't jinxed you.

Since you and Saderji are both involved in call-in customer service, let me ask about outsourcing. How worried are either of you that your job will be sent to a call center somewhere in India?

I'm not too concerned as I'm not doing that type of work. I locate people and their assets and coordinate seizures. I'm using a hell of a lot of experience and contacts. My job wont be outsourced anytime soon.

I do see many other jobs going there though. I reserved a hotel room not long ago-the woman on the 800 # was somewhere in India. I got a call for some BS benefit pckg on my Discover card the other day-the woman was in India too. I guess many jobs that only need English, a phone, computer and fax can go over seas.

I think that regardless of our political orientation, we can all agree that too much political correctness is a real mood-killer. Am I right?

I'm not too concerned as I'm not doing that type of work. I locate people and their assets and coordinate seizures. I'm using a hell of a lot of experience and contacts. My job wont be outsourced anytime soon.

I do see many other jobs going there though. I reserved a hotel room not long ago-the woman on the 800 # was somewhere in India. I got a call for some BS benefit pckg on my Discover card the other day-the woman was in India too. I guess many jobs that only need English, a phone, computer and fax can go over seas.

Yeah, my job requires a pretty detailed understanding of insurance. Insurance is one of those things that people don't seem to want to mess around with, in my estimation.