Santa Claus XIX Dead At 79; Emergency Clausal Meeting Called
New Foxxinnia
20-12-2005, 08:06
NORTH POLE- Solemn news from the North Pole today as Santa Claus the XIX was found dead in his polar home. He is said to have died of a severe stroke just six days before Christmas. Santa Claus XIX was elected in 1994 after the death of Santa Claus XVIII.
Mall Santas from around the world have been called from their posts for an emergency Clausal meeting at the North Pole so they can elect a new Santa Claus before Christmas Eve. Until then the Mall Santas' subordinate elves have been asked to fill in.
When all Mall Santas have gathered they will lock themselves inside Santa's Workshop and conference and debate until they elect a new Santa Claus. The votes are written anonymously on Christmas cards. They are then counted and placed in the fireplace. If a new Claus is not elected black smoke will rise from Santa's chimney, however when a new Claus is elected white smoke will rise. Hopefully, a new Claus will manage to be elected within the first two days to fully prep the new Claus.
There is some discussion over if the next Santa Claus could possibly be of a race other than White, which every Santa has been for the past 182 years. Two of the most hopeful possibilities are the African-American Mall Santa from Atlanta, Georgia, Chester Miller, 68, and Japanese Mall Santa from Sapporo, Japan, Takeda Jotaro, 73.
"It would be very interesting if we had a Claus of a different race," said Head Elf Sugercane McPixy. "This would show that the Clausal group isn't as stubborn as it is usually made out to be."
Christmas is on the 25th of December.
Lunatic Goofballs
20-12-2005, 08:10
DAMN! Santa owed me twenty bucks! :mad:
Gauthier
20-12-2005, 08:25
You know the North Pole is behind the times and out of touch with the modern world. They'll stick to a German Santa, the kind who advocates passing out lumps of coal to all the gay children.
The Similized world
20-12-2005, 08:31
You know the North Pole is behind the times and out of touch with the modern world. They'll stick to a German Santa, the kind who advocates passing out lumps of coal to all the gay children.Of course not! They'll elect some drunken viking-leftover from Iceland. He'll be passing out broken icons to all the Christian children & kidnap all the virgins of England.
Kinda Sensible people
20-12-2005, 08:35
Of course not! They'll elect some drunken viking-leftover from Iceland. He'll be passing out broken icons to all the Christian children & kidnap all the virgins of England.
I do wish you would stop steryotyping Clausals. Most are very good people. It's just the very few that conrol their public image give them a bad name. I'm sure that the popular movements within the sect will lead to the election of a moderate Clause this time around. Besides which, Bill Gates has the market cornered on broken Icons.
Gauthier
20-12-2005, 08:36
Of course not! They'll elect some drunken viking-leftover from Iceland. He'll be passing out broken icons to all the Christian children & kidnap all the virgins of England.
But if the Drunk Viking does get elected and starts kidnapping English Virgins, will he still be allowed to say "Ho Ho Ho"?
The Similized world
20-12-2005, 08:39
But if the Drunk Viking does get elected and starts kidnapping English Virgins, will he still be allowed to say "Ho Ho Ho"?
Only to the lasses he doesn't kidnap :D
Stone Bridges
20-12-2005, 08:39
I say the new Santa will be an old man who will only serve to fill the gap between two great santas. After this one dies, the next one will be a young go getter!
Straughn
20-12-2005, 10:53
If you only knew ... indeed, Santa, being a clone of a very successful experiment that has so far managed to retain nucleic integrity ... the darker seeds have sprouted.
Just a quick glimpse at the Santa-inspired chaos surrounding us.
Here are a few story references ....
Santa Claus 'shoots' crying children
NEWS.com.au, Australia - 9 hours ago
...and ...
Look, a flashing Santa! Oh, wait..
NewKerala.com, India - 2 hours ago
LONDON : British police said Friday they were looking for a Santa acting suspiciously -- a flasher who had repeatedly exposed himself to women, including on ...
Police hunt flashing Santa Claus Stuff.co.nz
Santa choppers into valley to spread Christmas cheer The Desert Sun
Look, a flashing Santa! Oh, wait.. Reuters
...and ... oh, the humanity ...
*ahem*
Santa rampage strikes New Zealand
40 dressed in red suits rob store, assault security guards
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Posted: December 18, 2005
1:00 a.m. Eastern
It's being dubbed "Santarchy” in New Zealand.
As feared, rioting broke out in yesterday in the nation neighboring Australia – but with a strange holiday twist.
While Australia has been plagued with racial rioting closely paralleling what happened in and around Paris a few weeks ago, New Zealand's largest city was hit by a group of 40 rampaging men dressed as Santa Claus.
According to news reports in Auckland, the Santa gang, many of them drunk, rampaged through the city, robbing stores and assaulting security guards.
The attacks began Saturday afternoon when the men, wearing ill-fitting Santa costumes, threw beer bottles and urinated on cars from an Auckland overpass, said Auckland Central Police spokeswoman Noreen Hegarty.
She said the men then rushed through a central city park, overturning garbage containers, throwing bottles at passing cars and spraying graffiti on buildings.
One man climbed the mooring line of a cruise ship before being ordered down by the captain. Other Santas, objecting when the man was arrested, attacked security staff, Hegarty said.
The remaining Santas entered a downtown convenience store and carried off beer and soft drinks.
"They came in, said 'Merry Christmas' and then helped themselves," store owner Changa Manakynda said.
Alex Dyer, a spokesman for the group, said Santarchy was a worldwide movement designed to protest the commercialization of Christmas.
Three people were arrested and charged with drunkenness and disorderly behavior.
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Well, that cinches it. Round up all the Santas, give 'em the old extraordinary rendition technique, make sure Delta Squadron gets their hands and hoods on 'em, make a series circuit out of their genitals and battery cable, and make sure they can't possibly sue or even protest in a legal courtroom setting.
That oughtta do it. And ban cloning while you're at it so it doesn't happen again. They've cloned republicans, and look what happened!