NationStates Jolt Archive

I am very worried about a friend. I am preparing to email the following to his parents back in the US. Does anyone have any comments or suggestions that might help?

Hello,

I am a friend of your son. I don't know if you remember me, but we met when you were here.

I don't know how much you know about X's situation here. He has been out of work for a long time (several months). His main part time job is going out of business. He has worked a few days as an extra on a local movie set (including this week).

He owes several months of back rent (about US$2500). Two days ago he was locked out of his apartment because of this. He spent the night with a friend (Y) and a second night at a cheap hotel.

He told me last week that he would be "safer at home" and has told his girlfriend he was thinking about suicide. I met him last night to see if I could help, and he said he was OK and not to worry. He said he wasn't going to do anything.

However, I am very worried. Please get in contact with him as soon as possible.

"His main part time job is going out of business." May want to disambiguate that by saying 'his main place of employment is going under' or something.

As far as the rest goes, it seems to cover the big points.

I am very worried about a friend. I am preparing to email the following to his parents back in the US. Does anyone have any comments or suggestions that might help?

Will he be comfortable - or at least forgive you - for revealing so much about his situation to his parents? Or would it perhaps be preferable to encourage them to contact him without revealing so many details?

I mean, I obviously don't know anything about the exact circumstances, but it seems to me, at least, that this kind of thing could be a friendship ending act.

(I you have already considered it, and have decided that this is the best thing for him anyway, regardless of the effect on the friendship I apologize for stating the obvious)

"His main part time job is going out of business." May want to disambiguate that by saying 'his main place of employment is going under' or something.

As far as the rest goes, it seems to cover the big points.

Thanks. I'll change it to "His most regular part time job is going under."

Will he be comfortable - or at least forgive you - for revealing so much about his situation to his parents? Or would it perhaps be preferable to encourage them to contact him without revealing so many details?

I mean, I obviously don't know anything about the exact circumstances, but it seems to me, at least, that this kind of thing could be a friendship ending act.

(I you have already considered it, and have decided that this is the best thing for him anyway, regardless of the effect on the friendship I apologize for stating the obvious)
I'd have to agree with this. I've been close to the edge before and would have gone balistic on someone for spreading news of my condition without my consent, mostly because often people didn't have all the details and no matter how well meaning would end up doing more harm than good.

I should note that when I say "Close to the edge" I don't mean suicidal, just in a bad way-like homeless etc.

Will he be comfortable - or at least forgive you - for revealing so much about his situation to his parents? Or would it perhaps be preferable to encourage them to contact him without revealing so many details?

I mean, I obviously don't know anything about the exact circumstances, but it seems to me, at least, that this kind of thing could be a friendship ending act.

(I you have already considered it, and have decided that this is the best thing for him anyway, regardless of the effect on the friendship I apologize for stating the obvious)

Yeah, it is obvious, but thanks anyway. I'm still stuggling to decide whether to send it or not, or maybe to send something less detailed.

How does this sound:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. X's Parents,

I am a friend of your son here in Osaka. I don't know how much you know about X's situation here. I am very worried for his personal and mental safety. Please, please get in contact with him as soon as possible.

Also, I'm considereing sending it from an alternate email address, without the possiblly identifying details, and/or with a request not to reveal who sent it.

Understand the dynamic involved. Your friend is very likely too ashamed/embarassed to say anything to his parents. If they contact him, he is likely to tell them that everything is "OK" no matter what is going on. If you can financially afford it, you might consider buying him an airplane ticket home and going to him and giving him the ticket and telling him that you know things are rough for him right now and you wanted to give him this ticket home as a Christmas present so he could go see his family as a surprise for the holidays. This way you give him an "out" without risking losing him as a friend, but make it possible for him to spend time with his parents and re-evaluate his situation from a distance.

Understand the dynamic involved. Your friend is very likely too ashamed/embarassed to say anything to his parents. If they contact him, he is likely to tell them that everything is "OK" no matter what is going on. If you can financially afford it, you might consider buying him an airplane ticket home and going to him and giving him the ticket and telling him that you know things are rough for him right now and you wanted to give him this ticket home as a Christmas present so he could go see his family as a surprise for the holidays. This way you give him an "out" without risking losing him as a friend, but make it possible for him to spend time with his parents and re-evaluate his situation from a distance.

I would if I could, but then I'd likely be out on the street as well. :(

How does this sound:



Also, I'm considereing sending it from an alternate email address, without the possiblly identifying details, and/or with a request not to reveal who sent it.

If I were in X's situation, I'd prefer something like that which didn't reveal as much. Especially if, as I have gathered from the OP, he's defensive about his situation.

But I don't think I would send it without the identifying details. I'd hate to get an email like that about one of my loved ones and not know where it comes from. But a request not to reveal who sent it seems perfectly reasonable.

First off, I'm very sorry to hear you're in this situation. I was in a very very similar one recently.

I would suggest including your info. Ask them to not reveal who they heard it from, or if they just have their suspicions and whatnot...but you being there for them to trust to help and him trusting you may be the most beneficial.

And I would say that you most definatly need to send that. Think of it this way. You could lose a friend with a chance to regain the friendship one day, or you could lose a friend in every sense of the word, and always have to ask "what if?".

If you would like to talk to me more about how I handled it and the result, let me know

How's this:

Hello,

I am a friend of your son. I don't know if you remember me, but we met when you were here.

I don't know how much you know about X's situation here. I am very worried for his personal and mental safety as he seems to be in some trouble. Please get in contact with him as soon as possible. If at all possible, a ticket for the next flight home would probably help him a lot. I

Additionally, I would appreciate if you would not reveal who or where this information comes, as it would severly damage a highly valued friendship.

Thank you very much.
A friend of X

First off, I'm very sorry to hear you're in this situation. I was in a very very similar one recently.

I would suggest including your info. Ask them to not reveal who they heard it from, or if they just have their suspicions and whatnot...but you being there for them to trust to help and him trusting you may be the most beneficial.

And I would say that you most definatly need to send that. Think of it this way. You could lose a friend with a chance to regain the friendship one day, or you could lose a friend in every sense of the word, and always have to ask "what if?".

If you would like to talk to me more about how I handled it and the result, let me know

Thank you. Please give me what advice you can.

How's this:
that works pretty well. You mentioning at the end that it is a valued friendship may help to point out how bad the situation is without you having to give out details

I would if I could, but then I'd likely be out on the street as well. :(

Then how about this, an email to his parents that said:

Hi, I know your son and he'd really like to come home for Christmas and see his family, but is too embarassed to admit to you that he can't afford the airline ticket because of tight finances. Would you be willing to buy the ticket for him. I'd like to be able to tell him he has a way to go see his family at this time of year.

This way, it's all about family and going home for the holidays and not about anything else (well, "tight finances" but hey, who doesn't have those?)

Thank you. Please give me what advice you can.
you have a TG

Thanks guys. I'm on my way out in a few minutes. I'll be back in a few hours.

Thanks guys. I'm on my way out in a few minutes. I'll be back in a few hours.
hope things work out.

Well I think that if he mentioned suicide you need to say something. If he didn't then he needs to learn the hard realities of life. But the suicide issue is nothing to mess with. But from my experience the people that commit suicide don't normally tell people they are thinking of it. But to say that is asking for help. Which is what you should be doing. If contacting his parents is a step then your letter sounded fine. Good luck

If you TRULY think he is suicidal, and you really should know for yourself, after hearing him speak, then NOT to act, id to allow him to kill himself.

If you TRULY believe he may do this, then its your DUTY as his friend to do whatever you can.

Get him the help he needs.

Even if he resents you for it for the rest of his life, HE WILL BE ALIVE TO DO IT.

A quick reassesment. His GF has apparantly emailed his parents with some detail.
Don't worry, Squatches and Marrakech II, I will be sending something.

I am very worried about a friend. I am preparing to email the following to his parents back in the US. Does anyone have any comments or suggestions that might help?
Comments:

1. Always take any mention of suicide very, very seriously. Even if they're just "joking" there's almost always a germ of truth in it.

2. Make sure you give them a number to call, even if it's yours.

3. You might include some disclaimers in your letter, such as: "I don't know how serious this might actually be, but best to be on the safe side." Etc.

4. You are to be commended for your concern and compassion! :fluffle:

OK, this is probably the final version:

Hello,

My name is D and I am a friend of your son. I don't know if you remember me, but we met when you were here.

I don't know how much you know about X's situation here. C (his GF) says she has emailed you but hasn't recieved a reply

I don't know how serious this might actually be, but best to be on the safe side, I am a bit worried as he seems to be in some serious trouble.

He seems to really need to come home, at least for a short time, but is too probably embarassed to ask you for help.

A ticket home would probably help him a lot.

Additionally, I would appreciate if you would not reveal who or where this information comes, as it would severly damage a highly valued friendship. He would be very embrassed if he knew I were emailing you, so I hope you understand and respect my wishes.

Sincerly,
D.

PS I am flying home to the US for the holidays shortly. If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to call me on my cell phone at;
Japan: xxxxxxxxx
USA (after December 21): xxxxxxxxx

I'll send that out either before I go to bed or soon after I wake up.

BTW, he owes the GF a significant amount of money, and apparantly a friend is helping him sort out the apartment, at least for the moment. But I am still quite worried.

I just sent it. Please keep your fingers crossed for both of us.

Here's the final copy of what I sent (edited for personal details):

Hello,

My name is D and I am a friend of your son. I don't know if you
remember me, but we met when you were here.

I don't know how much you know about X's situation here. C says she has emailed you but hasn't recieved a reply

I don't know how serious this might actually be, but best to be on the
safe side. I am quite worried about X.

He seems to really need to come home, but is too embarassed to ask you
for help.

A ticket home would probably help him a lot.

I would really appreciate if you would not reveal who or where this
information comes, as it would severly damage a highly valued
friendship. He would be very embrassed if he knew I were emailing
you, so I hope you understand and respect my wishes.

Sincerly,
D.

PS I am flying home to the US for the holidays shortly. If you have
any questions or concerns, please feel free to email me at this
address or to call me on my at:
Japan: xxx xxx xxxxx (cell phone)
USA (after December 21): xxx xxx xxxx

OK, this is probably the final version:

I'll send that out either before I go to bed or soon after I wake up.

BTW, he owes the GF a significant amount of money, and apparantly a friend is helping him sort out the apartment, at least for the moment. But I am still quite worried.
Looks good to me, but you misspelled "severely." :p

Looks good to me, but you misspelled "severely." :p

If thatt's the worsti tjing I did tuday, I'ml suvive. ;)

I just sent it. Please keep your fingers crossed for both of us.

Here's the final copy of what I sent (edited for personal details):
looks good. Best of luck with it.

I hope everything works out okay..please keep us updated?

Thank you all for the help. And yes, I'll keep you updated as well as I can.

I am very worried about a friend. I am preparing to email the following to his parents back in the US. Does anyone have any comments or suggestions that might help?
As far as the people who are saying that it could end your friendship, it is entirely possible. You have to ask yourself if his life is worth not being his friend anymore.

I was suicidal once (well more than once) but the time that my friend told, she told everyone she could find until someone helped me. I was pissed, I don't speak to her anymore, but I am thankful everyday that she cared enough to try and help.

I would leave the first letter brief "I am a friend of your son's and I am worried about him, he has hit a rough spot and is depressed, he might be thinking of hurting himself" and leave your number so they can call and get more details if they want. If you see that they aren't going to do anything you need to decide if you should do something more proactive. I would advise sitting down with your friend first and trying to talk to him, make sure he knows you are there, and that you care about him. One of the thoughts that was circling in my mind when I tried to kill myself was "nobody will miss me when I am gone" make sure he knows he will be missed.

As far as the people who are saying that it could end your friendship, it is entirely possible. You have to ask yourself if his life is worth not being his friend anymore.

I was suicidal once (well more than once) but the time that my friend told, she told everyone she could find until someone helped me. I was pissed, I don't speak to her anymore, but I am thankful everyday that she cared enough to try and help.

I would leave the first letter brief "I am a friend of your son's and I am worried about him, he has hit a rough spot and is depressed, he might be thinking of hurting himself" and leave your number so they can call and get more details if they want. If you see that they aren't going to do anything you need to decide if you should do something more proactive. I would advise sitting down with your friend first and trying to talk to him, make sure he knows you are there, and that you care about him. One of the thoughts that was circling in my mind when I tried to kill myself was "nobody will miss me when I am gone" make sure he knows he will be missed.

Well the email's already been sent - it was a couple of posts above yours. ;)
As that implies, yes I have put his life ahead of all other concerns.

Yeah, it is obvious, but thanks anyway. I'm still stuggling to decide whether to send it or not, or maybe to send something less detailed.
i'd send it . . your friend looks like he can use any help he can get

i'd send it . . your friend looks like he can use any help he can get
sry shoulda read next page before writing that . . . .

If thatt's the worsti tjing I did tuday, I'ml suvive. ;)
Hehehe! Good answer! :D

I was suicidal once (well more than once) ... One of the thoughts that was circling in my mind when I tried to kill myself was "nobody will miss me when I am gone" make sure he knows he will be missed.
Well *I* would have missed you! I would have felt something was missing from my life, although I wouldn't have known what! :p

sry shoulda read next page before writing that . . . .

Giggles. Yep. ;)

Well *I* would have missed you! I would have felt something was missing from my life, although I wouldn't have known what! :p
yeah, my husband put it best last time I got really depressed

"I love you and I would be lost without you, but you shouldn't care what anyone else thinks. You need to like being here, because all the rest of us don't matter if you can't be happy"

It made me really wake up and realize that I had been putting too much stress on what others thought of me and all the 'should haves'. It sounds selfish, but I am responisible for my own happiness, if everyone else wants to act like idiots, it really doesn't affect me anymore. I have gotten to the point that I don't really think about who would miss me and who wouldn't, I want to live because I can be happy, it took me a while to realize that I could be happy;) but I really can if I try. Some days are not so happy, so I just stay around to piss people off, that is pretty good motivation when I am in a bad mood :p

Well, I have got a reply from the folks. They tried to call and we missed each other. They're having trouble getting ahold of X.

Hold on for details...

His mother called. They're willing to send a ticket. They just don't know where. I'm trying to work out details.

His mother called. They're willing to send a ticket. They just don't know where. I'm trying to work out details.
glad it seems to atleast be beinning to work out

oh, and smunkee, give that old friend a call.