NationStates Jolt Archive


Canadian Fighter Escort for Santa

Cluichstan
16-12-2005, 20:14
Got this press release emailed to me earlier today. Canadian fighters escorting Santa's sleigh? Why not, I s'pose? It's not like they do anything else...

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Transmitted by CNW Group on : December 16, 2005 10:59

Canadian NORAD region names Santa Claus escort pilots

WINNIPEG, Dec. 16 /CNW Telbec/ - Four fighter pilots Capt. William Radiff and Lieut.-Col. Patrice Laroche, of 3 Wing Bagotville and Capt. Dave Monk and Maj. Alex Day of 4 Wing Cold Lake, are this years official escort pilots for Santa Claus while he visits Canada during his annual Christmas Eve trip around the world.

Canadian fighter pilots will gather the first pictures of Santa and his sleigh as he arrives over the continent using special NORAD SantaCams mounted on their aircraft.

The Canadian Air Defence Sector Operations Centre at 22 Wing North Bay, Ont., alerts NORAD when Santa is entering Canadian airspace. Two CF-18 Hornet fighters from 3 Wing meet Santa as he enters Canadian air space off the coast of Newfoundland and Labrador. As Santa finishes his trip across North America from east to west, two CF-18 Hornet fighter jets from 4 Wing escort him out of Canadian airspace to continue his Yuletide trip.

At Santa's request, millions of curious children will be able to closely follow his progress by viewing digital photographs and technical information compiled by NORAD on their Internet site: www.noradsanta.org. Santa has communicated to NORAD that he intends to begin his journey at 4 a.m. EST, Dec. 24th. At that time, NORAD's tracking data will be translated into streaming audio and video updates and posted to the web site's radar map. This site is available in French, Italian, Japanese, Spanish, Portuguese and English.

Children have been visiting the website since its launch to view information about Santa that NORAD experts have collected over the years such as Santa's favourite snacks and how NORAD's satellites detect Rudolph's red nose.

Children can also receive updates on Santa's Christmas Eve journey, by calling the traditional "NORAD Tracks Santa" telephone hotline at 1-877-HI-NORAD. This hotline is available beginning 9 a.m. EST on Dec 24 through 3 a.m. EST on Dec 25 or by emailing NORAD at NorthPole@OfficialSantaMail.com

NORAD uses a network of ground-based radars, sensors, air-to-air refuelling tankers, and fighter jets to detect, intercept and, if necessary, engage any threats to the continent. NORAD personnel are on duty 24 hours a day protecting North America.
Megaloria
16-12-2005, 20:16
Santa's one of our secret weapons. He traded in the sleigh for an Avro Arrow years ago.
Willamena
16-12-2005, 20:18
NORAD tracks Santa every year. :D

I think it's part of a NATO treaty.
Lord-General Drache
16-12-2005, 20:19
NORAD tracks Santa every year. :D

I think it's part of a NATO treaty.

..Uh, no. It's part of a mistake made ages ago. Someone had some phoneline set up years back so kids could call, ask where he was. It was a digit off from NORAD, some guy at NORAD got calls, decided to be nice and tell the kids they were tracking Santa. Went off from there.

This is just a huge waste of fuel, imo. If I were one of the fighter pilots, I'd be pissed. Of course, the underlying implication is that Santa's liable to get shot down.
Equus
16-12-2005, 20:27
..Uh, no. It's part of a mistake made ages ago. Someone had some phoneline set up years back so kids could call, ask where he was. It was a digit off from NORAD, some guy at NORAD got calls, decided to be nice and tell the kids they were tracking Santa. Went off from there.

This is just a huge waste of fuel, imo. If I were one of the fighter pilots, I'd be pissed. Of course, the underlying implication is that Santa's liable to get shot down.
And now you're assuming that they're actually putting the planes in the air, instead of just doing a cute little tracking animation on their website, with some friendly NORAD reps talking to the kids on camera.
Drunk commies deleted
16-12-2005, 20:28
..Uh, no. It's part of a mistake made ages ago. Someone had some phoneline set up years back so kids could call, ask where he was. It was a digit off from NORAD, some guy at NORAD got calls, decided to be nice and tell the kids they were tracking Santa. Went off from there.

This is just a huge waste of fuel, imo. If I were one of the fighter pilots, I'd be pissed. Of course, the underlying implication is that Santa's liable to get shot down.
Gives me a great idea for a practical joke. Get yourself a sled, a santa suit, and a few hundred pounds of scrap bones and organ meats from a slaughterhouse. You'll also need one of those big professional fireworks shells.

Arrange the meat, bones, santa suit, and sled (pre wrecked with a sledgehammer) and add a little gasoline. set it aflame so it looks like santa and his reigndeer crashed and were killed. Set off the shell to create a flash and a loud bang in the sky.

People are bound to hear the noise and see the flash. When they investigate they find what appears to be the remains of Santa. Merry Christmas!
Lord-General Drache
16-12-2005, 20:32
And now you're assuming that they're actually putting the planes in the air, instead of just doing a cute little tracking animation on their website, with some friendly NORAD reps talking to the kids on camera.

I'd not be surprised if people did decide to launch jets to do this.

And DCD..that's a genius idea.
Bolol
16-12-2005, 20:45
I hear Santa's on the hitlist of several Vancouver crime bosses, he's gonna need ALL the help he can get.
Drunk commies deleted
16-12-2005, 20:49
I have a crazy uncle, actually I had two but one died. One Christmas eve, as we were all gathered to eat our seven fishes, he borrowed a shotgun from my other crazy uncle and went outside to my Grandparent's back yard. He fired off a round and then ran back inside bragging to all us kids that he'd shot santa claus.

A christmas miracle occured that night. The police didn't show up and arrest him for discharging a firearm in the city of Trenton.
Dobbsworld
16-12-2005, 20:50
Got this press release emailed to me earlier today. Canadian fighters escorting Santa's sleigh? Why not, I s'pose? It's not like they do anything else...
You must not get out to airshows much.
Terrorist Cakes
16-12-2005, 21:10
I loved watching Santa on the NORAD radar when I was young.
Muravyets
16-12-2005, 21:19
I have a crazy uncle, actually I had two but one died. One Christmas eve, as we were all gathered to eat our seven fishes, he borrowed a shotgun from my other crazy uncle and went outside to my Grandparent's back yard. He fired off a round and then ran back inside bragging to all us kids that he'd shot santa claus.

A christmas miracle occured that night. The police didn't show up and arrest him for discharging a firearm in the city of Trenton.
That's not miraculous in New Jersey. :p

(PS: You're Italian? In Jersey? With only 2 crazy armed uncles?)
Muravyets
16-12-2005, 21:21
I'd not be surprised if people did decide to launch jets to do this.

And DCD..that's a genius idea.
Angry much? What's the matter, never got that Red Rider BB gun you always wanted?
Phalanix
16-12-2005, 21:32
Santa's one of our secret weapons. He traded in the sleigh for an Avro Arrow years ago.
Holyshit! Santa stole that Avro Arrow that was missing from the hanger! :eek:
Cluichstan
16-12-2005, 21:35
Angry much? What's the matter, never got that Red Rider BB gun you always wanted?

LMFAO!!! Zing! :D
Call to power
16-12-2005, 21:37
clearly NORAD is tracking him because really Santa is an evil genius!

why did his suite turn red? it wasn't coca colas idea that’s for sure

how do the reindeer fly? Santa forces them to haven’t you noticed his whip (hmmm big black boots and a whip obviously Santa is a fascist which has why Hitler got a new tank and France for Christmas)

doesn’t give presents to Jewish children obviously Santa doesn’t accept the Jewish free state and using his powers he supplies terrorists in Israel the other 363-4 days a year

Santa doesn’t deliver presents to naughty kids obviously Santa thinks all children of other religions or naughty

watches the Children of the globe 24 hours a day need I say more (and we let our children sit on his lap)

forces elves to make toys and weapons

in WW1 Santa dropped presents in the trenches then dropped bombs disguised as presents of course Santa didn’t exclude non-combatants or even Lapland’s allies

why can't we find WMD's because there in the only place that isn't on the maps that’s right Santa's fortress of doom

Why is Rudolf’s nose red? Because Santa genetically modified the poor reindeer to fire death rays and blind pilots trying to shoot him down
The Black Forrest
16-12-2005, 21:50
This is just a huge waste of fuel, imo. If I were one of the fighter pilots, I'd be pissed. Of course, the underlying implication is that Santa's liable to get shot down.

Why would you be pissed as a pilot? Adds to your flight hours.....
Marrakech II
17-12-2005, 03:54
Gives me a great idea for a practical joke. Get yourself a sled, a santa suit, and a few hundred pounds of scrap bones and organ meats from a slaughterhouse. You'll also need one of those big professional fireworks shells.

Arrange the meat, bones, santa suit, and sled (pre wrecked with a sledgehammer) and add a little gasoline. set it aflame so it looks like santa and his reigndeer crashed and were killed. Set off the shell to create a flash and a loud bang in the sky.

People are bound to hear the noise and see the flash. When they investigate they find what appears to be the remains of Santa. Merry Christmas!


You are SICK!
JiangGuo
17-12-2005, 04:37
Reminds me of that South Park episode where Santa Claus is shot down over Baghdad and Jesus got blown away trying to rescue him

That episode of the show paraodied the likes of 'Black Hawk Down'...

("We have a red sleigh down, we have a red sleigh down.")

...and 'Three Kings'

(The electrode torture scene)
("I couldn't do it; I couldn't spare him after what he did to Santa's balls!")
Gylesovia
17-12-2005, 05:33
Can the RCAF really keep up with Santa?

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, and assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of his sleigh, jump down the chimnye, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course we know to be false but for the purpose of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking aabout .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 punds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (refer to point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal load, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entereing the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per SECOND, EACH! In short, hey will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousanths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal* forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead by now. It's become a search and recover, not escort mission...
Gylesovia
17-12-2005, 05:35
Gives me a great idea for a practical joke. Get yourself a sled, a santa suit, and a few hundred pounds of scrap bones and organ meats from a slaughterhouse. You'll also need one of those big professional fireworks shells.

Arrange the meat, bones, santa suit, and sled (pre wrecked with a sledgehammer) and add a little gasoline. set it aflame so it looks like santa and his reigndeer crashed and were killed. Set off the shell to create a flash and a loud bang in the sky.

People are bound to hear the noise and see the flash. When they investigate they find what appears to be the remains of Santa. Merry Christmas!

You might appreciate this:
http://www.rotteneggs.com/r3/show/se/700-forum-display_topic-0-1-400961.html
Scroll to the bottom of the page...
Nyuujaku
17-12-2005, 05:41
...Canadia has fighter jets? :confused:





:p
Dobbsworld
17-12-2005, 05:51
...Canadia has fighter jets? :confused:





:p
Nah, we're like the kids from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome.
Phalanix
17-12-2005, 06:21
...Canadia has fighter jets? :confused:





:p
Yes we don't have fighter jets >_> <_<
-attempts to hide the secret space fighters-
Freeunitedstates
17-12-2005, 06:30
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.

Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense,
That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.

When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter,
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter,
I dialed up the gain and then quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.

And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded,
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE"!

On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk!
And scramble our fighters -- let's send the whole flock!
Launch decoys and missiles! Use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!

They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged,
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.

So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea,
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleighbells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.

Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade,
All the web of defenses we've carefully made.

Just look how the gadgets we use to protect us,
In other ways alter, transform, and affect us.
They keep us from things that make life more worth living,
Like love for each other, and thoughts of just giving.

But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!

^_^
The Soviet Americas
17-12-2005, 07:24
Of course, the underlying implication is that Santa's liable to get shot down.
Terrorists hate Santa Claus and everything America loves. They will attack Santa at any moment if we aren't vigilent.
Lord-General Drache
17-12-2005, 07:34
Angry much? What's the matter, never got that Red Rider BB gun you always wanted?
Angry? I suppose. It's certaintly not due to a lack of some gift I always wanted. That's for a whole 'nother thread.

Cluich, you know it takes far more than that to get me. :-p

Why would you be pissed as a pilot? Adds to your flight hours.....

Yes, but I'd rather spend them a bit more productively.

Terrorists hate Santa Claus and everything America loves. They will attack Santa at any moment if we aren't vigilent.

Exactly. But you'd think he'd have some toys of his own.
Cluichstan
17-12-2005, 07:34
*snip*

That's brilliant! You didn't write that yourself, did you?
Tibetia
17-12-2005, 07:36
This is what our Air Force does now?

As a Canadian, I find this whole issue rather embarassing...