NationStates Jolt Archive

One of my relatives died last night, she was my husband's aunt's partner. She was one of my favorite people in the whole world. My kids also liked her a lot. I called my mom to see if she would be able to watch the 2 year old whenever the funeral is, and she asked "what about <the 4 year old>?" and I informed her that my 4 year old wanted to go to the funeral, she apparently thinks this is a bad decision on my part. I don't really see the problem.

My daughter knows that her aunt Karen was sick, she knows that she was in the hospital and she knows that she died late last night. She understands that a funeral is to say goodbye, and since she didn't get to see her in the hospital she wants to go to the funeral.

What do you think? Should children be allowed to go to funerals if they want to?

If not, what is your reasoning?

I refuse to buy the line that I got from my mom "it will scare her and she will think she is going to die too" but if anyone can explain how that works to me I would be open to listening.

There's no reason to shelter your kid from learning about the facts of life, and death is a fact of life. If the kid's old enough to understand the concept of death he/she is old enough to attend a funeral.

I think that you have an intelligent four year old on your hands. If she wants to go she should go. She may not like it at all, but it will help her understand the decision-making process.

What do you think? Should children be allowed to go to funerals if they want to?

I absolutely think you should allow a child to attend a funeral ESPECIALLY if they want to. Explain it a little bit, in a way that is age-appropriate. If your kid really doesn't want to go, I would not force them to. But on something like this, even 4 isn't too young to make a decision.

There's no reason to shelter your kid from learning about the facts of life, and death is a fact of life. If the kid's old enough to understand the concept of death he/she is old enough to attend a funeral.
I agree. What makes death 'scary' is being sheltered from it. Death is just as natural as being born...though that's sometimes something we shield kids from too.

She should absolutely be allowed to go to the funeral. If your mom has any problems with it, tell her politely but firmly that the four year old is your daughter, not hers.

Personally, if it were my kid and a relative had a problem related to sexual orientation, I'd go ape. Then again, that doesn't seem to be (at least from the first post) the primary concern.

First off, I am really sorry to hear of your loss, Smunkee. My sincere sympathies :(

Secondly, I would be in favour of letting children attend funerals if they want. I remember when my granny died when I was five and I was not allowed to go, I was really annoyed. In some part, I still am today; I wasn't especially close to my grandmother, but she was still my grandmother and I wanted to say goodbye.

Obviously, it's a traumatic thing for anyone - and quite possibly children more than most - but the point of funerals as you state is to say goodbye, and I think they do provide some closure (a word I despise, but I think it best grasps the situation), even if it's difficult to entirely grasp the enormity of the occasion (as I presume it would be for many kids).

I agree with Sarzonia; be gentle with your mother, but stand your ground. You don't want your daughter being annoyed now or later in life cos she couldn't attend the funeral of someone that was dear to her.

Harsh lesson to learn at four but it is a part of life. She may regret that she never got to say goodbye - I would bring her if she requested to go.

What do you think? Should children be allowed to go to funerals if they want to?


Be prepared for a *lot* of talking, late into the night, but yes ... if a child is old enough to understand life on a basic level, then they're old enough to understand death.

People are too shielded from the reality of death in the West these days. There is nothing unnatural about it, and it's perfectly healthy to be aware of it from an early age.

hmmmmm, i'm not so sure, I went to my first funeral when i was 12 and afterwards i really wished i hadn't cause i realised that i wasn't ready to be in that kind of situation

If she is asking to go, I suggest you take her. I took my daughter to a funeral at 5. Lots of questions, lots of subsequent reassurance -- you know your child best, and if both of you are ready for that.

My first wake/funeral wasn't until I was 15. My best friends sister had been killed by a drunk driver. I wish I had been able to experience the whole wake/funeral process on a more "normal" scale the first time around.

I went to my first funeral when I was 4 or 5 (not sure which). I barely remember it now.

I'll basically echo the sentiment that if your 4yo wants to be there, she (?) should be allowed to go.

I think that the main concern should be whether your kid will cause problems. Just speaking in general, 4-year olds aren't the most reliable about keeping their mouths shut and not having to use the bath room at awkward moments. So, yeah, if you can keep Thing #1 under control I don't see a reason not to take it along.
Of course, my Dad's idea of how to introduce me to the topic of death was making me watch the Texas Chainsaw Massacre when I was about that age.

((Note, I am refering to your child as an "it" for 2 reasons: 1) I hate all children, not just yours; 2) I'm damn tired of getting yelled at because I didn't read someone's mind over the interweb and see that they were a transexual/transgender/hermaphrodite))

I'm sorry to hear that...my sympathies to you and your family.

I would say that if she wants to go, she should be allowed to. From what I understand, you have always been honest with your children about nearly everything. This is another part of that honesty. Your mother said that your kid will think she is going to die. Fact of the matter is, we all are. People live in fear when they don't understand death.

However, I would be prepared to answer alot of questions...the first one usually is "when is she coming back", and it is heartbreaking to have to answer. I had to for my little (2nd) cousin an my grandma/his great grandmas funeral. The next is usually "why do people die", at which point I got the mother (I would have answered, but his mother and father want the child to be raised episcopaliean at this point, and I can't answer from that point of view. It isn't easy, esp. because of the look on their face and the tone of pure innocence and sadness. And it is hard to keep yourself from crying too. But ultimatly, it will help them understand and cope better later in life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First off, i'd like to say that i am sorry for your loss, i recently lost someone that was also dear to me, and i know how much it just sucks...

I personally think that if the child wishes to see someone they love, they should have that oppurtunity. They have the same right to say good-bye as anyone else, and if they wish to go, they should be allowed to do that much. If my parents had told me that i couldn't go to the funeral just because i was younger than everyone else, i would've been upset, because not only am i not getting to see my aunt ever again, but the reason i don't get to see her now is because my parents are keeping me from seeing her.

But all in all, it is basically up to the parents. I know that when i become a parent i will give my children the choice of what they want to do, and see or feel for themselves, instead of just being told by others. That way in the future they have the memory of the funeral to look back to and decide for themselves whether or not they wish to attend future funerals.

My first funeral wasnt until i was 15 (and it was my fathers) but if your child is intelligent enough to understand what a funeral is for (thats a credit to you) then yes... the 4yo should be allowed to go.. End off. You have to learn about life and mif shes intelligent to understand whats happened then she should go. You cant shield children from these things (i was and every funeral i have been to has been horrible (lathough the services were nice)

Why shouldn't you take a kid to a funeral? As long as they're old enough to be quiet for a couple hours. I can see not taking a baby or a kid too young to understand that you have to be quiet out of respect and all.

The first funeral I attended was when I was 12, but my 5 year old sister went too...

hmmmmm, i'm not so sure, I went to my first funeral when i was 12 and afterwards i really wished i hadn't cause i realised that i wasn't ready to be in that kind of situation
Maybe that was because you HAD been sheltered from it for so long (just an idea)

MY sympathies to you and your family.

If your child is able to behave with the decorum the funeral demands, by all means take her. My child wouldn't have been able to at that age, but kids are all different - I also know some ten year olds I wouldn't trust to be able to manage that level of decorum.


I agree with the many others who have posted that we distance our selves far to much from death and dying, and from our dead. Birth, likewise.

Elicere

I shall chuck my 2 cents in.

My Grandfather died when i was 6 he was 80 something for me not to go to see him off into the Great Big Gig in the sky would have been a Great Dishonour for me and i would have resented(Is that the right word???) my Parents for it.