NationStates Jolt Archive

Ladies and gentlemen, I request your aid. I'm seriously disturbed by what happened to me just a few hours ago. Now, I was having a conversation with my friend and we approached the topic of my poor performance at a recent speech and debate tournament. (Yes, I'm a nerd...) Normally this would just trigger a twinge of sadness and self hate, because I am an extremely ambitious being and hate any type of failure. But I was feeling irrationally depressed earlier, and I heard this and went mad!

I lost all control of my actions for hours. I randomly paced my home in a fit of self hate, fueled by blood rage. I tore with my teeth at my flesh and brutally beat myself to the point of bruising. I swore and screamed and cursed at myself obscenely. My head throbbed in pain, and the the strange acidic feeling of pain in my stomach (accompanied by constant growling---even when I'm not hungry) and the salty taste in my mouth that I've been carrying for several days intensified, and I eventually just lay there on the ground, thrashing with pure rage and cursing myself to oblivion.

Now my question to you is this...WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME!?! I have never lost control like this, never gone so insane with rage, and especially over absolutely nothing. Please, I don't want this to repeat again...I would appreciate any suggestions.

Ladies and gentlemen, I request your aid. I'm seriously disturbed by what happened to me just a few hours ago. Now, I was having a conversation with my friend and we approached the topic of my poor performance at a recent speech and debate tournament. (Yes, I'm a nerd...) Normally this would just trigger a twinge of sadness and self hate, because I am an extremely ambitious being and hate any type of failure. But I was feeling irrationally depressed earlier, and I heard this and went mad!

I lost all control of my actions for hours. I randomly paced my home in a fit of self hate, fueled by blood rage. I tore with my teeth at my flesh and brutally beat myself to the point of bruising. I swore and screamed and cursed at myself obscenely. My head throbbed in pain, and the the strange acidic feeling of pain in my stomach (accompanied by constant growling---even when I'm not hungry) and the salty taste in my mouth that I've been carrying for several days intensified, and I eventually just lay there on the ground, thrashing with pure rage and cursing myself to oblivion.

Now my question to you is this...WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME!?! I have never lost control like this, never gone so insane with rage, and especially over absolutely nothing. Please, I don't want this to repeat again...I would appreciate any suggestions.

I'm totally unqualifed to make any kind of clinical statement here, but if this is what you're going through, you may want to speak with your parents and a physician. This level of agitation, particularly the intensity of your reaction, really seems to warrant a talk with someone who has formal study and training to help you.

Alcohol makes everybody your friend. You'll always be happy.
So just stayed bombed.

hm... Letting out your anger and or self-dissapointment more often, such as in the form of a solitary hobby. Painting, Writing, even a journal is helpful.

Sounds like a case of horomones + caffeine.. used to happen to me in High School on occasion.. a strictly amateur opinion, of course..

Maybe demon possession?

Saint, but it's the first time this has ever happened before. Should I really pester a busy doctor when he might have repeat patients?

Emperor, I do already practice several of those things. And I've always had my self dissapointment because I'm an idiot and a fool but have dreams of the Presidency---but I'venever reacted like this before, especially to such a minor thing.

The important thing is, do you have any memories of hurting your friend? Hiding the body? Make sure they're OK, and write it off as part of being a teenager. :)

Saint, but it's the first time this has ever happened before. Should I really pester a busy doctor when he might have repeat patients?


You say you tore at your flesh with your teeth. There are doctors who find that kind of thing fascinating.

Sounds similar to a "Red out". I second talking to a doctor, he's at least qualified.

Strange, some european tribes used to honor people who could red out as holy men, so maybe you should start your own religion.

Don't go to a doctor if you're in the US. They'll put you on Ritalin the moment you give your name in Reception.

I never loose, so I wouldn't know

Sounds like a case of horomones + caffeine.. used to happen to me in High School on occasion.. a strictly amateur opinion, of course..
So you think he needs to release those hormones somehow?
Maybe he should have had a menage-a-uno, a one-man-orgy, bashed the bishop, knocked one out, a glandatorial contest with a spam javelin, a wank?
Worked for me when I was in school.

Sounds similar to a "Red out". I second talking to a doctor, he's at least qualified.

Strange, some european tribes used to honor people who could red out as holy men, so maybe you should start your own religion.
All hail Armandian Cheese!

Seriously though, you might want to consider counseling

Mmmm...Yeah, I guess you guys are right. It'd be best to see a doctor. I'm just worried that my parents will just use this an excuse to drop me out of all my AP/Honors courses. They've been looking for one for quite a while now, and they'll blame my lack of sleep.

Don't worry Tactical, it was an online conversation!

Don't go to a doctor if you're in the US. They'll put you on Ritalin the moment you give your name in Reception.

Maybe with his parents, they could find a doctor who works with behavioural therapy without reliance on medication. That's probably hard, these days, but it would be something.

I hate to ask, Cheese, but how do your parents feel about your achievements in school and activities? Its none of my business, you don't have to respond, but do they ride you a lot?

So you think he needs to release those hormones somehow?
Maybe he should have had a menage-a-uno, a one-man-orgy, bashed the bishop, knocked one out, a glandatorial contest with a spam javelin, a wank?
Worked for me when I was in school.

I hate to be crass, but I will say that nightly birthing knuckle-babies is what got me through high school...

So you think he needs to release those hormones somehow?
Maybe he should have had a menage-a-uno, a one-man-orgy, bashed the bishop, knocked one out, a glandatorial contest with a spam javelin, a wank?
Worked for me when I was in school.


...No. Just...no. You obviously haven't seen my anti-sexuality threads...

...No. Just...no. You obviously haven't seen my anti-sexuality threads...

Okay, anti-sexuality might be part of why you bite yourself...

So you think he needs to release those hormones somehow?
Maybe he should have had a menage-a-uno, a one-man-orgy, bashed the bishop, knocked one out, a glandatorial contest with a spam javelin, a wank?
Worked for me when I was in school.

Er.. I wasn't suggesting anything like that, no.. If anything, I suggest sports or running.. running was my outlet in High School, and promotes good health, too.

The answer is simple! You need to get wasted.

Mmmm...Yeah, I guess you guys are right. It'd be best to see a doctor. I'm just worried that my parents will just use this an excuse to drop me out of all my AP/Honors courses. They've been looking for one for quite a while now, and they'll blame my lack of sleep.

Don't worry Tactical, it was an online conversation!

Your parents do that too? What for?

If you visit a doctor, be certain that you don't end up taking medicine you don't need. I know several doctors who would just put you on an assortment of drugs, without being really sure what the problem was. You should probably just go to therapy/anger management.

Maybe with his parents, they could find a doctor who works with behavioural therapy without reliance on medication. That's probably hard, these days, but it would be something.

I hate to ask, Cheese, but how do your parents feel about your achievements in school and activities? Its none of my business, you don't have to respond, but do they ride you a lot?

Well...They're not very knowledgeable in the medical field, especially psychiatry. (I'm first generation Polish-American---Psychiatric care wasn't widely available "in the old country) So I'm likely forced to do any research myself...

And my parents...My parents are overbearing in the sense that they don't give a damn about my ambitions. They like to show off my Honor Rolls and National Merit Scholarships amongst friends, but they've told me bluntly that they would rather I fail a class than work late at night. My mother especially cares little for the fact that I burn with idealistic ambition, that I push myself everyday to the limit and beyond; she just wants me to be like her, a middle class, obscure nobody living with 2 kids and a spouse and perfectly conforming to the crowd.

Goddamit, I'm sorry to spill all of this on all of you---I'm usually very stoic about things and even if I do need help I can call on my close friends. But few of them have any clue, and the one that might and the one I trust with my life isn't available right now...

Okay, anti-sexuality might be part of why you bite yourself...
No, anti-sexuality is one of the few things that keeps me sane. I have enough things to worry about (I have a tendency to take the problems of others upon me as well as my own, in addition to political problems) without getting in the whole romantic game.

Trust me, I tried, and it was one of the most mentally degenerative events in my life.

Your parents do that too? What for?

If you visit a doctor, be certain that you don't end up taking medicine you don't need. I know several doctors who would just put you on an assortment of drugs, without being really sure what the problem was. You should probably just go to therapy/anger management.

If he sees a doctor, maybe he should politely let the doctor know that due diligence mandates a full and thorough assessment, as might be defined later by a lawyer. He might also bring a (long) list of questions about risks, side-effects, and alternatives to medication. I bet if more people did that, Doctors would spend more time asking their own questions and not just writing prescriptions.

Maybe that's overly broad against physicians, but an informed patient is better for everybody.

No, anti-sexuality is one of the few things that keeps me sane. I have enough things to worry about (I have a tendency to take the problems of others upon me as well as my own, in addition to political problems) without getting in the whole romantic game.

Trust me, I tried, and it was one of the most mentally degenerative events in my life.

Well, your call, I guess. If you had a kid, and he/she was tearing their flesh with their teeth, would you want to know about it?

I see Doctors as a last resort. I mean, has he even tried to scrape his Thetans yet?

I see Doctors as a last resort. I mean, has he even tried to scrape his Thetans yet?

You can't scrape 'em yourself, they're scrape-resistant. He needs an "assist" massage from those tents on campus.

Ladies and gentlemen, I request your aid. I'm seriously disturbed by what happened to me just a few hours ago. Now, I was having a conversation with my friend and we approached the topic of my poor performance at a recent speech and debate tournament. (Yes, I'm a nerd...) Normally this would just trigger a twinge of sadness and self hate, because I am an extremely ambitious being and hate any type of failure. But I was feeling irrationally depressed earlier, and I heard this and went mad!

I lost all control of my actions for hours. I randomly paced my home in a fit of self hate, fueled by blood rage. I tore with my teeth at my flesh and brutally beat myself to the point of bruising. I swore and screamed and cursed at myself obscenely. My head throbbed in pain, and the the strange acidic feeling of pain in my stomach (accompanied by constant growling---even when I'm not hungry) and the salty taste in my mouth that I've been carrying for several days intensified, and I eventually just lay there on the ground, thrashing with pure rage and cursing myself to oblivion.

Now my question to you is this...WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME!?! I have never lost control like this, never gone so insane with rage, and especially over absolutely nothing. Please, I don't want this to repeat again...I would appreciate any suggestions.

as a fellow speech and debate type person a few bits of advice
1) never look at your ballots if you have eather just eaten or you are about to eat.... you may lose you dinner
2)make sure you are well rested when you look at them if you are not you may fly off the handle and let your emotions get the better of you
3) remember its just a numer, not the end of the world and that there is always next time :)
4) if you can tell that you are about to fly off the handle go running its is the best way to get rid of stress and anger

You can't scrape 'em yourself, they're scrape-resistant. He needs an "assist" massage from those tents on campus.

Alright, mind you, it's not like I was chomping off huge chunks of my skin. I did get it to bleed a few times, but I don't want you to get me wrong.

And...what are Thetans? What "assist" massages are you talking about? Excuse my ignorance.

as a fellow speech and debate type person a few bits of advice
1) never look at your ballots if you have eather just eaten or you are about to eat.... you may lose you dinner
2)make sure you are well rested when you look at them if you are not you may fly off the handle and let your emotions get the better of you
3) remember its just a numer, not the end of the world and that there is always next time :)
4) if you can tell that you ate about to fly off the handle go running its is the best way to get rid of stress and anger
I don't think it's specifically caused by that, though. I get angry with failure, always, but never like this. And it didn't happen immediately afterwards---but all of the failures in my life just started flashing before my eyes, beating me down, and before I knew it I was in a mad rage of self hatred.

EDIT: Alright, thank you all very much for helping me out. I greatly appreciate it. I'm very sorry to waste your time like this, but know that it's greatly appreciated. If you have any more advice, feel free to post it and I'll check tomorrow, but I'm calling it a night.

I don't think it's specifically caused by that, though. I get angry with failure, always, but never like this. And it didn't happen immediately afterwards---but all of the failures in my life just started flashing before my eyes, beating me down, and before I knew it I was in a mad rage of self hatred.
i have had that happen to me once befor, but instead of beating my self up i tore my room appart....felt much better afterwards too....but thats not the point, the reason that it happend to me was becaues of lack of sleep and not eating well and major stress.....you just have to make sure that you dont let your self get too stressed and that you sleep enough, if you dont you will snap.... like you just did

Yah, you probably want to get that checked out by a professional. These things have a tendency to get worse if you don't take care of them.

a recent speech and debate tournament. Awesome, I wish my high school had had those. Damn city public schools...

I'm totally unqualifed to make any kind of clinical statement here, but if this is what you're going through, you may want to speak with your parents and a physician. This level of agitation, particularly the intensity of your reaction, really seems to warrant a talk with someone who has formal study and training to help you.Seconded or thirded or fourthed or however-manyed.

My mother especially cares little for the fact that I burn with idealistic ambition, that I push myself everyday to the limit and beyond; she just wants me to be like her, a middle class, obscure nobody living with 2 kids and a spouse and perfectly conforming to the crowd.Is she happy? Are you?

No, anti-sexuality is one of the few things that keeps me sane. I have enough things to worry about (I have a tendency to take the problems of others upon me as well as my own, in addition to political problems) without getting in the whole romantic game.

Trust me, I tried, and it was one of the most mentally degenerative events in my life.You can masturbate without wanting, needing, or desiring a romantic relationship.

You're an odd little fucker for one, but so am I so it's okay.

I think you need to channel your anger. Hurting yourself will do little. Perhaps you expect too much from yourself, either that or you are sensitive to defeat.

Sounds to me like your usual anger with failure isn't ever really dealt with, and for some reason this one brought out all the rest of it, too, not just this one frustration.

To join in with everyone else, I'd recommend talking to a doctor who won't give you drugs. I'd also recommend talking to your parents, and seeing if you can suggest what sort of reaction you'd like before you tell them about it. Sometimes parents don't know how to react, and it helps if you tell them to be cool about it, or to be sympathetic, or whatever you're looking for, before you tell them the problem. Of course, this depends on your parents, and in some cases it can make things worse to invovle your parents. Your school almost certainly has some sort of counselor you could turn to if your parents are the type to make things worse.

I'd also recommend taking up a hobby or activity that can help you express yourself at other times. Being frustrated doesn't just go away because you ignore it. Get a punching bag, or go running, or take up an instrument, or write or something. Whatever floats your boat. Finding some outlet for anger, frustration, disappointment and the like can be brilliantly helpful.

Finally, while most people here probably won't approve, I might just suggest that you look at maybe taking up the topic with the God who made you, and will listen and actually have answers, even if he doesn't just magically give them all to you. I find it most cathartic of all just to tell God my troubles and let Him worry about them instead of me.

(I know it sounds trite, but if you think so, you just have no idea...)

Don't go to a doctor if you're in the US. They'll put you on Ritalin the moment you give your name in Reception.
Somehow I doubt a doctor would put someone in need of a sedative on a stimulant. But then again, maybe the whole paranoid "evil Ritalin is evil conspiracy" might be right.

Ladies and gentlemen, I request your aid. I'm seriously disturbed by what happened to me just a few hours ago. Now, I was having a conversation with my friend and we approached the topic of my poor performance at a recent speech and debate tournament. (Yes, I'm a nerd...) Normally this would just trigger a twinge of sadness and self hate, because I am an extremely ambitious being and hate any type of failure. But I was feeling irrationally depressed earlier, and I heard this and went mad!

I lost all control of my actions for hours. I randomly paced my home in a fit of self hate, fueled by blood rage. I tore with my teeth at my flesh and brutally beat myself to the point of bruising. I swore and screamed and cursed at myself obscenely. My head throbbed in pain, and the the strange acidic feeling of pain in my stomach (accompanied by constant growling---even when I'm not hungry) and the salty taste in my mouth that I've been carrying for several days intensified, and I eventually just lay there on the ground, thrashing with pure rage and cursing myself to oblivion.

Now my question to you is this...WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME!?! I have never lost control like this, never gone so insane with rage, and especially over absolutely nothing. Please, I don't want this to repeat again...I would appreciate any suggestions.

Nothing a good shag can't cure... oh, wait.

Did your mouth elongate, your hair grow and you had the urge to kill sheep with just your... claws?!?
I have that from time to time, its nasty getting the wool out between the teeth. But then it goes away for a month or so. :P

It sounds like you had a lot of stress built up, and you released it all in one go.

No, anti-sexuality is one of the few things that keeps me sane. I have enough things to worry about (I have a tendency to take the problems of others upon me as well as my own, in addition to political problems) without getting in the whole romantic game.

Trust me, I tried, and it was one of the most mentally degenerative events in my life. You're really starting to sound like a sane version of someone I know.

Um, not sure why it happened. Maybe you'd been subconsciously bottling anger up or something. Normally when I'm angry I actually attack objects rather than myself - why didn't you? It's much healthier.

I lost all control of my actions for hours. I randomly paced my home in a fit of self hate, fueled by blood rage. I tore with my teeth at my flesh and brutally beat myself to the point of bruising. I swore and screamed and cursed at myself obscenely. My head throbbed in pain, and the the strange acidic feeling of pain in my stomach (accompanied by constant growling---even when I'm not hungry) and the salty taste in my mouth that I've been carrying for several days intensified, and I eventually just lay there on the ground, thrashing with pure rage and cursing myself to oblivion. Please, I don't want this to repeat again...I would appreciate any suggestions.
It sounds to me as if you are a victim of your own high expectations. You need to remind yourself that making a mistake, or not doing well at something once in awhile does not equate to being a failure. If this happens again, I strongly recommend you seek counseling. You know that your reaction was all out of proportion to the incident in question, so it's probably something that's been building for quite some time.

1) Go chill with your friends and stop reading. That'll keep you from thinking too much and doing spontaneous stupid stuff. Period.

2) Go build something.... like an RC battletank (or maybe just a model for starters). The first step is to look up how to start online by going onto Yahoo! and typing in RC Battletank.

3) Get out of your house and do something competitive that won't mangle your brain. The best way to renew your brain is to take a break from using it which means wearing your body out (playing football, having a snowball fight, going to the gym and taking up a sport like racquetball or boxing) and going to sleep. Right after waking-up, you should eat something big, like a big platter of pancakes and sausage and eggs THAT YOU MAKE YOURSELF. No frozen stuff, but the pancakes can be from Aunt Jemima Mix.

4) Stay off your computer at least until Christmas and sweep up w/e doesn't matter. The only times I actually post on forums is when I'm bedridden and bored outta my mind. These kinds of networks are useless in your own life's progress and should be ignored when you have something better to do i.e. when you're not sick and bedridden.

5) Go listen to some music, find some songs that just happen to catch your attention, and make a CD outta'em (or DL them to your MP3 player).

Hobbies and friends fix everything, especially a worn out mind and work ethic.

Hah, the exact same thing happened to me last year when I failed a driving test. I went psycho. I'd been bottling up stress/anger over my final exam in secondary school.

Now I have a punching bag for moments like that.

Er.. I wasn't suggesting anything like that, no.. If anything, I suggest sports or running.. running was my outlet in High School, and promotes good health, too.
Oh, right. Sorry about the confusion.

I still think my way's better. Easier, less effort, quicker. Promotes good health as well - think of the prostate!