Pottymouth therapist...
Saint Curie
12-12-2005, 16:28
I don't think this is against forum rules, if it is, I'll accept the rebuke.
The idea is, a therapist with a condition sort of like Tourette's Syndrome, wherein he compulsively peppers his language with terribly inappropriate things. He was at first denied licensure for abusing patients, but his attorney and physician supported him before the Board, and he is now practicing...
Patient: Hi. Wow, this is weird, I've never been to therapy before. I don't even know if I really need it...my family sort of made me come today.
Therapist: Relax, fuckwad, it will be fine. You've made an important decision to come here today, to make a change in your life, and that's a difficult thing to do, shithead.
Patient: ....um....
Therapist: I understand, you slackmouthed twatbubble, it's hard to start. Why don't I begin, get us going, OK? Tell me, what part of your shitstain life is most difficult?
Patient: .....um....well, my life...uh, my life, yeah....well, I'd say...relationships?
Therapist: You piss drenched whore, that's very common. So many things go into how we interact in relationships. Let's talk about that.
I never knew that Warren Ellis was a therapist on the side: is this why his comics always ship late?
Lunatic Goofballs
12-12-2005, 16:31
WOW! Is he taking new patients? :)
Saint Curie
12-12-2005, 16:35
WOW! Is he taking new patients? :)
Therapist: Goodmorning, Mr. Goofballs, and put your turgid cock away, this is a safe place for us to talk. Nobody is going to call you a fucking lunatic here, you screeching, fucking lunatic. I've put your symptoms into my online DSMIV, but it crashed, worthless cockcheese. So, elaborate on your GODDAMN condition...
Anarchic Christians
12-12-2005, 16:37
Therapist: Goodmorning, Mr. Goofballs, and put your turgid cock away, this is a safe place for us to talk. Nobody is going to call you a fucking lunatic here, you screeching, fucking lunatic. I've put your symptoms into my online DSMIV, but it crashed, worthless cockcheese. So, elaborate on your GODDAMN condition...
There are definite upsides to this situation...
Lunatic Goofballs
12-12-2005, 16:43
Therapist: Goodmorning, Mr. Goofballs, and put your turgid cock away, this is a safe place for us to talk. Nobody is going to call you a fucking lunatic here, you screeching, fucking lunatic. I've put your symptoms into my online DSMIV, but it crashed, worthless cockcheese. So, elaborate on your GODDAMN condition...
First, let me start by saying, Fuck You. I hope you're having a good morning, douchebag.
In the past, I have been accused of having poor impulse control, insensitive or even boorish behavior and a poor grip on reality. I take nothing seriously, and to be completely honest, I am rather proud of that fact.
Do you think there's anything you can do for me, you half-educated quack?
Saint Curie
12-12-2005, 16:48
Pottymouth Therapist treats an alcoholic (with my apologies to anybody struggling sincerely)
Alcoholic: I've lost my wife, my kids, my job. Its rockbottom, all the way. The judge says I have to turn in signed reports from you that I'm making progress, or I go to prison.
Therapist: Its helpful that you understand the position you're in, and it looks like without my signature, your ass is about to be the dick-holster for the boys upstate, you simpering drunken ****.
Alcoholic: ...what the fuck did you just say to me?
Therapist: I said that I respect your decision to admit your illness, and if you mouth off to me again, I'll make a phone call and make you the block sissy, shitbird.
Alcoholic: ....o-okay....
Therapist: You have an illness, and today you start treatment. That should be a reason for powerful hope. You smell like the toilet in a highway reststop that even junkie whores won't kneel down in when they need smack badly.
Alcoholic: ....oh god...
Therapist: Yes, a higher power as you see it. I have a good feeling about you, and if you will commit to working with me, I think your fucked up train wreck of a life can be turned around. Assuming your liver isn't more blasted than Courtney Love locked in an evidence vault after a raid on Whitney Houston's house.
Saint Curie
12-12-2005, 16:50
First, let me start by saying, Fuck You. I hope you're having a good morning, douchebag.
In the past, I have been accused of having poor impulse control, insensitive or even boorish behavior and a poor grip on reality. I take nothing seriously, and to be completely honest, I am rather proud of that fact.
Do you think there's anything you can do for me, you half-educated quack?
Therapist: Poor impulse control. Talk about that, elephantdick. When you say impulse control, does that mean you supersize your McDonalds, or that you put breadsticks up your ass at the Olive Garden?