NationStates Jolt Archive

GOD: Good morning everybody, and welcome to the first design meeting and brainstorming session on our next product launch. BTW, does everybody like the whole "morning" concept? Bob over in Thermodynamics says rotating the planets like that keeps the heat even or something, and either way, they were sort of spinning because of the formation process we used, so it seemed silly to undo it...no objections? Kay, great.

So, anyway, we've got the habitat ready, and I think its time we really put some vision together for what this "humanity" concept is supposed to look like. The floor is open...ideas?

legal department here: about that formation process we used, i think it might be good to limit the warranty on the celestial mechanics, because QA says they messed up as they discounted the torque effects.
so maybe we should not accept responsibility if something like a moon falling on a planet happens.

or maybe we dont tell anyone, that we build it, if they dont know, who made the ting, they dont know whom to sue.

or maybe we dont tell anyone, that we build it, if they dont know, who made the ting, they dont know whom to sue.

GOD: Holy Me, that's brilliant. Okay, so, once the advent of tort claims and the concept of actionable liability is developed, no more evidence of the Divine. Seriously, all burning bush memos, resurrections, that kind of thing, needs to be kept to a bare minimum in cultures and times where lawyers are common.

In fact, let's make the entire project a matter of faith, and nobody appears without approval from Legal and Marketing. I'm looking in your direction, Virgin Mary...

What exactly is happening here?

What exactly is happening here?

Demonstrating how lawyers killed God?

Can I claim inheritance?

To the Boss:

I'm concerned about this whole "death" concept. It's a bit of a bummer and may limit our repeat business. Some customers will have quite a limited experience. I'm thinking we need a way to compensate them for the sudden ending of the contract.

How about a free upgrade for special customers?

Maybe a free replay for certain circumstances??


Ashmoria

To Marketing:

We are going WAY wrong with this "garden of eden" and "nudity" thing. This is going to kill the accessories market. We must get the initial customers out of paradise as soon as possible in order to sell them "houses" and "clothing". Without a certain amount of suffering our "sacrifice to the god's" kickback is going to be minimal.

Ashmoria

What exactly is happening here?

Explantion of God and creation that attempts to counter such "atheist" arguements as, "why is there no evedence of god?" and the like.

P.S. Or an atheist satire thereof.

To the Boss:

I'm concerned about this whole "death" concept. It's a bit of a bummer and may limit our repeat business. Some customers will have quite a limited experience. I'm thinking we need a way to compensate them for the sudden ending of the contract.

How about a free upgrade for special customers?

Maybe a free replay for certain circumstances??

Ashmoria

Well, logistics is pretty sure about the "death" thing, but maybe we can leave "Eternal Life" for version 2.0 or something. I dunno, how does everybody feel about reincarnation?

As far as the merchandising, you're right, naked customers don't do much for retail aftermarket support. See if the people in Software can put together some kind of "Shame" subroutine.

What exactly is happening here?

You must be from tech support. Sorry, we don't have the manual ready...just, uh, tell your people to start expecting prayers, and to hold off on answering them until we've finalized specs.

So what I am supposed to do? Just put people on hold? I have very angry people to deal with here, and they want results. What am I supposed to tell people "I'm sorry, but your plan hasn't been made yet?" I don't think that's going to go over very well. Can't we send them a pamplet or some thing? Some kind of book, maybe? What about a sales rep?

I like the suffering concept, but we need something that'll really make it hit home. If we keep it limited to small experiences, we just won't have the sort of popularity and repeat business that's needed. How about we have Software program in some sort of function that makes them sometimes want to kill each other in droves? *raises arms in a visionary pose* We could call it...Hate.

So what I am supposed to do? Just put people on hold? I have very angry people to deal with here, and they want results. What am I supposed to tell people "I'm sorry, but your plan hasn't been made yet?" I don't think that's going to go over very well.

Well...I dunno, make something up about "mysterious ways" or Free Will, or just say that they do bad things that makes me unable to be in their presence, so no appointments.

Crap, just don't answer. We'll set up a pre-recorded message, "Por Espanol, press uno, for Coptic, press Bird Pictogram" and it just goes on forever. Every 100 years, it says "Your prayers are very important to us, please continue to believe until a representative is available"...

So what I am supposed to do? Just put people on hold? I have very angry people to deal with here, and they want results. What am I supposed to tell people "I'm sorry, but your plan hasn't been made yet?" I don't think that's going to go over very well. Can't we send them a pamplet or some thing? Some kind of book, maybe? What about a sales rep?

I'm sure I can get the people in development to write some kind of self-help book. Maybe we can slip in some subtle marketing to get some extra customers or something. I would also suggest making it clear that this book provides the only comprehensive guide to life and life issues, that way we can jack up the price without having sales drop.

To the PR department:

It doesn't seem like people are expressing approval over God's plans on earth. Perhaps we could send them a company spokesperson down to reassure them - somebody like my good pal Jesus over here.
*40-some years after Jesus's descent to earth*
Jesus: Hey guys, I spooked 'em real good! At first it didn't seem like it was gonna work coz all I had were these 12 smelly guys as my followers. But then some 'tards who weren't buying it wen't and friggin nailed me to a cross! After I apparently "died" and came back from the dead, it freaked the shit outta them!

I like the suffering concept, but we need something that'll really make it hit home. If we keep it limited to small experiences, we just won't have the sort of popularity and repeat business that's needed. How about we have Software program in some sort of function that makes them sometimes want to kill each other in droves? *raises arms in a visionary pose* We could call it...Hate.

Yeah, yeah, totally. If we implement "Hate" and "Righteousness" as a single feature, the intensity of their anger will keep the whole buzz going! Put together a focus group on what makes sentient beings all the way pissed.

I'm sure I can get the people in development to write some kind of self-help book. Maybe we can slip in some subtle marketing to get some extra customers or something. I would also suggest making it clear that this book provides the only comprehensive guide to life and life issues, that way we can jack up the price without having sales drop.

Beauty. If we can keep changing editions, like they do with university textbooks. We can have new testaments, new revelations to people every few generations, and if it ever gets stale, we release a "Book of Whatever"...it'll be like comic books.

To the PR department:

It doesn't seem like people are expressing approval over God's plans on earth. Perhaps we could send them a company spokesperson down to reassure them - somebody like my good pal Jesus over here.
*40-some years after Jesus's descent to earth*
Jesus: Hey guys, I spooked 'em real good! At first it didn't seem like it was gonna work coz all I had were these 12 smelly guys as my followers. But then some 'tards who weren't buying it wen't and friggin nailed me to a cross! After I apparently "died" and came back from the dead, it freaked the shit outta them!

Oh, crap, right, you're big press-conference/crucifixion thing...man, I'm sorry I forsook you, we had to meet with some vendors, the genitalia don't look right. Sorry.

Well, now that Jesus has done what he's paid to do, do we really need him around any more? I mean, to them, he's already dead and stuff. I know he's 'supposed' to make a comeback at some point or another, but I don't think we can afford to be paying him to just stand around. We should probably modify our contract with him.

Yeah, yeah, totally. If we implement "Hate" and "Righteousness" as a single feature, the intensity of their anger will keep the whole buzz going! Put together a focus group on what makes sentient beings all the way pissed.

I'm on it. A couple of ideas first, though. I hear that something like...pride, yeah, that's supposed to really get them going. Oh! Combine that with greed or jealousy and hint of, say, selfishness, and we'll have a winning recipe. I'm telling you, God, this'll really get them going nuts. Oh, and then let's give them conflicting messages on these things! We'll tell some people that it's never ok, and tell others that it's usually ok. It'll be great.

There are still some compatibility problems between the "faith" and the "reason" concept. I never supported "reason" anyway, not after all the budget cuts in the brain development.

There are still some compatibility problems between the "faith" and the "reason" concept. I never supported "reason" anyway, not after all the budget cuts in the brain development.

Psycological Engineering assures me that they've based too many functions on the reason system. I suggest we downplay it's importance and play up faith in hope that no one notices the contradiction. We can attach the "Hate" function to all of this and we'll never have a problem.

Psycological Engineering assures me that they've based too many functions on the reason system. I suggest we downplay it's importance and play up faith in hope that no one notices the contradiction. We can attach the "Hate" function to all of this and we'll never have a problem.

Absolutely. We could even have it so that, if one of them does start to see the bug, the Hate code will make the others want to hunt them down and kill them.

Just wanted to point something out, the coffee machine is out on 8 and water is everywhere...Satan is seriously pissed right now. He and the others are talking about coming up here to complain. Just a heads up...I'm not here.

Absolutely. We could even have it so that, if one of them does start to see the bug, the Hate code will make the others want to hunt them down and kill them.

PD says they can do that, but they'll need to write some new code up to make sure they don't accidently call on the reason function when they're running this. They say the result will be that all "Faith-Based" functions will be completely seperate from "Reason-Based" functions and that while it is technically possible to run both sets at once it will put extreme stress on the operating system.

To Legal:

A guy named Vishnu just dropped by. He claims this whole universe thing is his idea and that he has a patent on it. He is threatening a lawsuit if we dont cease and desist on the whole humanity thing.

what should I tell him?


Ashmoria

Well, now that Jesus has done what he's paid to do, do we really need him around any more? I mean, to them, he's already dead and stuff. I know he's 'supposed' to make a comeback at some point or another, but I don't think we can afford to be paying him to just stand around. We should probably modify our contract with him.

That is underhanded, mercenary, and despicably self-serving. You should head Human Resources from now on.

I'm on it. A couple of ideas first, though. I hear that something like...pride, yeah, that's supposed to really get them going. Oh! Combine that with greed or jealousy and hint of, say, selfishness, and we'll have a winning recipe. I'm telling you, God, this'll really get them going nuts. Oh, and then let's give them conflicting messages on these things! We'll tell some people that it's never ok, and tell others that it's usually ok. It'll be great.

Yeah, the Manufacturing consultants were saying something about giving them an intense urge to reproduce, we've already committed to the Shame thing, so, well...they'll have to be adaptable, I guess...

There are still some compatibility problems between the "faith" and the "reason" concept. I never supported "reason" anyway, not after all the budget cuts in the brain development.

Look, its not my fault, the per-unit cost came in over-budget, and we had to prioritize. The Brain team was already stuffing 40% of total product budget into 2% of the body mass, and we had to make some sacrfices to get the Chasis to work right.

Sure, we could've gifted Mankind with the capacity for boundless insight and empathic talents that would've made them perfectly compassionate and loving, but then they'd have no toes. Is that what we talked about at the Mission Statement meeting?

Just wanted to point something out, the coffee machine is out on 8 and water is everywhere...Satan is seriously pissed right now. He and the others are talking about coming up here to complain. Just a heads up...I'm not here.

Ah, shit, is this about Health Benefits again? You tell Satan that we're going with a managed care Preferred Provider plan, with 50% matching and the $2,500 deductable. If he wants dental and vision, he can make War on the Throne of Heaven.

Is that him in the parking lot? I can't see, what's he getting out of his trunk?

Oh, dear. He's disgruntled.

IT department here, have we decided what OS we're using for the new product?

I heard that Windows HS has some compatibility issues.

To Legal:

A guy named Vishnu just dropped by. He claims this whole universe thing is his idea and that he has a patent on it. He is threatening a lawsuit if we dont cease and desist on the whole humanity thing.

what should I tell him?


Ashmoria

Uh, who's head counsel right now, Kossackja, I think. Hrm, went home for the day.

Well, uh, tell Vishnu, that, uh, we're claiming that intellectual property rights don't extend to space, and Heaven is in space. Way up.

Yeah.

I really wish we hadn't borrowed so much of our business plan from all those other ancient religions...

IT department here, have we decided what OS we're using for the new product?

I heard that Windows HS has some compatibility issues.

Yeah, I saw the quotes on site licences...they want more for the damn operating system than we're paying to get OEM souls.

Anybody know anything about Unix, or Linux, or whatever that open-source stuff is?

Uh, who's head counsel right now, Kossackja, I think. Hrm, went home for the day.

Well, uh, tell Vishnu, that, uh, we're claiming that intellectual property rights don't extend to space, and Heaven is in space. Way up.

Yeah.

I really wish we hadn't borrowed so much of our business plan from all those other ancient religions...


To The Boss:

I told him.

He says he's sending some chick named Kali over to kick your ass.

Should I inform security?


Ashmoria

To The Boss:

I told him.

He says he's sending some chick named Kali over to kick your ass.

Should I inform security?

Ashmoria

Wait...is she the one that pulls your heart out, smears its thick, black blood all over her face, takes a gnashing bite out of it, then puts you in a cage and lowers you into an active lava channel?

Wait, no, that was Stacy from college...

Alright, we need to achieve some sort of market dominance here or we're going to be lost in a marketplace of belief systems without a distinct brand of our own, and six-handed incarnations of doom are going to be lined up in the lobby like entry-level programmer applicants...

Yeah, I saw the quotes on site licences...they want more for the damn operating system than we're paying to get OEM souls.

Anybody know anything about Unix, or Linux, or whatever that open-source stuff is?

Legal department here. We've got a memo from some guy, name of Buddha, has a medium sized lobby group. He claims that the OS system shouldn't be licensed and the option for unlimited upgrades be made available. Not sure what he means by this, but apparently he wants these upgrades to be limited based on some kind of ranking system he calls "karma"

Anyone want to talk to him?

Yeah, I saw the quotes on site licences...they want more for the damn operating system than we're paying to get OEM souls.

Anybody know anything about Unix, or Linux, or whatever that open-source stuff is?

Eh, do we really want to give our product the ability to change it's programing?

Sounds dangerous. Could open us up to lawsuits.

Legal department here. We've got a memo from some guy, name of Buddha. He claims that the OS system shouldn't be licensed and the option for unlimited upgrades be made available. Not sure what he means by this, but apparently he wants these upgrades to be limited based on some kind of ranking system he calls "karma"

Anyone want to talk to him?

Put him on hold.

Put him on hold.

Wait up a moment. Got another call. Whoah. Looks like someone has got a slander campaign up. Jehova's Witless or something like that. Claims that our customer service options are only limited through a 3rd party vendor and only for a limited number of clients. Has there been a change in customer support policy lately or do we sue him?

Wait up a moment. Got another call. Whoah. Looks like someone has got a slander campaign up. Jehova's Witless or something like that. Claims that our customer service options are only limited through a 3rd party vendor and only for a limited number of clients. Has there been a change in customer support policy lately or do we sue him?

We can't change customer service. It would cost us millions!

We can't change customer service. It would cost us millions!

Do we sue then? Legal is being swamped by lawsuits for false advertising here. We've even got a cease and desist injunction from some dude. Friedrich Nietzsche I think. Something has got to be done before it gets out of hand.

Do we sue then? Legal is being swamped by lawsuits for false advertising here. We've even got a cease and desist injunction from some dude. Friedrich Nietzsche I think. Something has got to be done before it gets out of hand.

Cease and desist what? Shipping our product?

Its a general stop work order. If this goes through, the whole company is stuck. We need to erode support for this guy. Hmmmm, maybe marketing can throw in a couple of bonuses or something to our customers? I don't know. Call it eternal reward or something like that. I'm sure they can dress it up to look good.

Another note for Legal: Now we've got this 'Ahura Mazda' guy who claims to have monopoly control on the concept of good vs. evil. Should we just fob him off like Vishnu? He claims to have the backing of Baal, most of the Egyptian gods and, interestingly, our God as well.

Its a general stop work order. If this goes through, the whole company is stuck.

What fucking court has the athority to issue somthing like that!

Sue his ass off! Make an example of him!
While you're at it, send a letter to this Hobbes guy. He is getting pretty close to the slander line. You seen his pamphlet, Leviathan?

Slander, I say!

Satan here... First of all, I am rather angry that you have replaced my Light Bringer title with the "Prince of Lies." Do you have any idea how that looks on my business cards? Second, my workspace does not have any air conditioning. Third, I am not the source of all temptation and evil, I just signed those documents from accounting like you all told me and ignored the mass shredding and suddenly everyone is pointing fingers at me.

Well, I am suing you all for defamation of character and for possession of the Earth. I demand that the Earth be transferred to the executor of my estate, Damien, so that I may begin a rein of debauchery and generally enjoy myself.

Hey, everybody, sorry I'm late, the lines were crazy at that coffee place. But I managed to get everybody's orders.

Oh, and besides shouting lots of obscenities at me when he found out where I was interning, some guy told me to tell my bosses that him and his egyptian pals have enslaved a bunch of our customers and are using them to build large pyrimidial stone mounds.

Intern: Uh... sir, you have a memo. Sorry I couldn't give it to you earlier...

*Hands memo to Satan*

MEMO DATE: SIX DAYS AGO

FROM: GOD
TO: STAN
Dear Stan:

Congratulations! You have been promoted! You are now head of personel in the Intern Block. Your new office is located in B-9000. We have taken the liberty of moving you, with your brand new office, to the new location, in Grand NINE AND A HALF TIMES THE DEPTH OF THE EARTH! Great location.
You're office is right behind the boiler room. As in, the boiler room blocks your exit. Also, the elevator is down.
Unfortunately, your new position cost us a good deal of money to prepare, so you will receive a nominal 100% pay cut to make up for it.

Intern: Please don't hurt me.

The legal department seems quite busy and it seems like they'll get even more work. Some Allah guy obviously stole a lot of our ideas. Should be a simple copyright issue. I don't think we have anything to fear here, have we?

By the way, which idiot set the alpha channel for pink unicorns to 100%?

Lets not worry about this "Allah" right now. His market share won't threaten us for a few hindered years at his rate.

Yeah, but what are we gonna do about Ahura Mazda-thingummy? He says he's older than God, and has prophets to prove it!

Actually, now I think about it, we could just set some of Allah's guys against Mazda... that should deal with at least one of them...

Legal: look boss, I hate to be that guy, but I'm just going to need more staff. Appart from the unicorn nightmare (which no-one even has a photo file made up on yet, don't ask) there's this Noodly Monster dude totally interfering with the "indoctrination in schools" agenda we all agreed on. And he's promising pirates all sorts of penthouse suites in heaven at that!? These guys have knives, man and buckets of gold to fund their suits. If it wan't for that job we did with the paradise carrot, our company would be going bust with this generation of "sceptics". Augh.

We can't have skeptics! Our shareholders and CEO will kill us! We need to get these guys.

Perhaps a little "creative litigation"?

Lets not worry about this "Allah" right now. His market share won't threaten us for a few hindered years at his rate.

Maybe not, but Cid down at marketing tells me that Allah has got a lot of lobby groups out now and they're using the same strong arm tricks we have pretty damned effectively. Legal thinks we can't touch him since we can't really prove a direct link between these tactics and this Allah dude and that if we go on these grounds, we'll open ourselves to all sorts of counter-suits. You think we should hire external contractors for this?

We can't have skeptics! Our shareholders and CEO will kill us! We need to get these guys.

Perhaps a little "creative litigation"?I'll say. What can you do about a modern-day inquisition down in the conspiracy department?

OK guys, we have a problem! Who left all those fossils lying around? The QA department is quite pissed and rightly so. Reason and fossils are a dangerous combination!

This will have consequences fellas. Expect some heads to roll.

Legal here on the Satan lawsuit. Satan is apparently planning a hostile takeover of our subsidiary Earth Inc. and we are in trouble. You know those limits on the miraculous that headquarters put into effect to limit our liability, well it looks as if the limits may have inadvertently removed our copyright protection and proof of ownership.

Then there is this guy in Europe called Karl Marx claiming the Earth belongs to the proletariat or whatever and the followers of Adam Smith are carving the land up into individual properties (fortunately it looks like the two groups might kill each other first). I know that legally we rule over Heaven and Earth, but Earth is defacto run by numerous squatters and we may have inadvertently erased what evidence supports are claims.

R&D tells me that they've got it covered. The reason factor has been set really low and the faith factor jacked up. According to their simulations it should conflict for a long time without any real questions being asked.

Maybe not, but Cid down at marketing tells me that Allah has got a lot of lobby groups out now and they're using the same strong arm tricks we have pretty damned effectively. Legal thinks we can't touch him since we can't really prove a direct link between these tactics and this Allah dude and that if we go on these grounds, we'll open ourselves to all sorts of counter-suits. You think we should hire external contractors for this?

Whoa, hey, be careful. I just got a call from the Big G's office- turns out He's the majority stockholder in this Islam Corporation. Basically, we're sister companies- don't let the mortals know that.

Say, did anyone ever get that problem with mammalian eyes fixed? You know, the one where the optic nerve and blood vessels come out over the retina, instead of under it? I could've sworn that Engineering was going to fix that up.

Whoa, hey, be careful. I just got a call from the Big G's office- turns out He's the majority stockholder in this Islam Corporation. Basically, we're sister companies- don't let the mortals know that.

Say, did anyone ever get that problem with mammalian eyes fixed? You know, the one where the optic nerve and blood vessels come out over the retina, instead of under it? I could've sworn that Engineering was going to fix that up.

We fired the engineers. Well, most of them. We needed to free up some payroll for all the lawyers. I'm counting almost a dozen undischarged actions against us. For crying out loud, you'd think we made Asbestos or something.

Heavy sigh...I remember, when me and Steve founded this company, we beileved the world was ready for a new product, and also to start existing. We dreamed of starting a whole new universe of sentient life. Now look at it. We've got billions of habitable planets in our warehouse, and we can't get one damn product launch out the door...

Maybe we should sell...

Anyway, I've decided to start fixing some of the compatability issues, so same genders can be sexually attracted to eachother. Somebody remember to fix the manual, so they know its normal.

Eh, those boys in engineering are always drunk anyway. They just leave the planet on autopilot half the time - this little invention they call "evolution". Apparently, in a couple million years, this toy'll make retinas fix themselves without the engineering boys having to lift a finger from the ambrosia.

Eh, those boys in engineering are always drunk anyway. They just leave the planet on autopilot half the time - this little invention they call "evolution". Apparently, in a couple million years, this toy'll make retinas fix themselves without the engineering boys having to lift a finger from the ambrosia.

Yeah, but you notice the "evolution" production model leaves us with a hell of a defect rate...from what I'm hearing, entire species are gonna wind up being recalled. Agnes over in Central Supply says that we'll lose something like 90% of all species before the Human thing ships, and its down hill from there. On the other hand, it gives us one monster advantage in adapting to changes in the market environment...

See, my problem with evolution is, if it went on long enough, they wouldn't need us, or some wouldn't, anyway. Oh, well, at least its cheap.

See, my problem with evolution is, if it went on long enough, they wouldn't need us, or some wouldn't, anyway. Oh, well, at least its cheap.

Biff from the remnants of Engineering here. We kinda have an issue with implementing Evolution. It seems that a sufficiently large population will stop evolving, pretty much killing off any chances of adaptation. We do have a plan for implementing service patches, but the delivery system is totally unworkable at present.

Who's going to get all these creatures to eat ceremonial wafers?

Biff from the remnants of Engineering here. We kinda have an issue with implementing Evolution. It seems that a sufficiently large population will stop evolving, pretty much killing off any chances of adaptation. We do have a plan for implementing service patches, but the delivery system is totally unworkable at present.

Who's going to get all these creatures to eat ceremonial wafers?

Yeah, see Giancarlo, he's a VP over in Ritual Marketing, they've got an idea for the wafers.

Right, so I looked over your memo, and you're right, when there's enough of them, and things have stabilized, there might be a problem. So, my secretary tells me that a few conditions have to be satisfied before they reach equilibrium, I've put my suggestions along with each:

Conditions of Suspended Evolution Equilibrium

1. Large Populations (We should try plague. Or meteorites.)
2. Random Breeding (I dunno, mass weddings by a Eugenic priest? meh...)
3. No Significant Mutation (We could turn up the wattage on the Sun...)
4. Static Environment (We'll flood 'em. Merpeople. It'll be sweet.)


If you think of any others, let me know. Also, I didn't want to believe what everybody is saying about you guys in engineering, but there's Vodka all over this report.

And put some pants on.

Yeah, see Giancarlo, he's a VP over in Ritual Marketing, they've got an idea for the wafers.

Right, so I looked over your memo, and you're right, when there's enough of them, and things have stabilized, there might be a problem. So, my secretary tells me that a few conditions have to be satisfied before they reach equilibrium, I've put my suggestions along with each:

Conditions of Suspended Evolution Equilibrium

1. Large Populations (We should try plague. Or meteorites.)
2. Random Breeding (I dunno, mass weddings by a Eugenic priest? meh...)
3. No Significant Mutation (We could turn up the wattage on the Sun...)
4. Static Environment (We'll flood 'em. Merpeople. It'll be sweet.)


Boss, did someone down in Programming put a viral helix on the basic OS? Seems like our product is trying to move to the rest of the stockhouse. They haven't been successful so far, but they keep trying.

TO: CEO of God Inc.
FROM: VP God Inc.

My managers on the ground tell me they've run into some problems with the whole "Evolution of Humanity" project that will come up in the future. It turns out there's this design flaw, they call it "sin." Something about shorter life-expentency and urges to go against company policy. The analysts also advise that we provide some sort of retirement plan for the humans also, or they'll unionize. I think the buzz words "Heaven" and "Salvation" work fine.

Since were only a few million years away from the completion of this project, I think we should have the secretaries type up some memos and throw them down there, something about a Messiah, and that having a personal contract with this Messiah will allow them to receive benefits from the "Human Retirement Policy," (i.e. "Heaven" or "Salvation").

Since I think that we won't have very many volunteers for this project, I'll volunteer to head it up. The entire project will be called, "Messiah," and the various subprojects will be called "Eternal Salvation" (i.e. "Human Retirement Policy", "Heaven", "Salvation") and the legal papers on various terms and agreements. The thinktanks threw out "The 10 Commandments" and this briliant idea of "Prophets" and such.

I've already started my people on it, and took away some folks from the janitorial staff, they seemed real excited. Work should be completed in time for the final steps of human evoluiton.

Hows that "Continental Drift" comming? We only got 290 million years left!

Sincerly,
Mariehamn "Jesus" Nätet
Vice President of God Inc.

Boss, did someone down in Programming put a viral helix on the basic OS? Seems like our product is trying to move to the rest of the stockhouse. They haven't been successful so far, but they keep trying.

Oh, right, yeah, I saw that. Well, the thing about the programmers is, we couldn't find anybody with experience in Artificial Intelligence that wasn't very very high a lot of the time...

TO: CEO of God Inc.
FROM: VP God Inc.

My managers on the ground tell me they've run into some problems with the whole "Evolution of Humanity" project that will come up in the future. It turns out there's this design flaw, they call it "sin." Something about shorter life-expentency and urges to go against company policy. The analysts also advise that we provide some sort of retirement plan for the humans also, or they'll unionize. I think the buzz words "Heaven" and "Salvation" work fine.

Since were only a few million years away from the completion of this project, I think we should have the secretaries type up some memos and throw them down there, something about a Messiah, and that having a personal contract with this Messiah will allow them to receive benefits from the "Human Retirement Policy," (i.e. "Heaven" or "Salvation").

Since I think that we won't have very many volunteers for this project, I'll volunteer to head it up. The entire project will be called, "Messiah," and the various subprojects will be called "Eternal Salvation" (i.e. "Human Retirement Policy", "Heaven", "Salvation") and the legal papers on various terms and agreements. The thinktanks threw out "The 10 Commandments" and this briliant idea of "Prophets" and such.

I've already started my people on it, and took away some folks from the janitorial staff, they seemed real excited. Work should be completed in time for the final steps of human evoluiton.

Hows that "Continental Drift" comming? We only got 290 million years left!

Sincerly,
Mariehamn "Jesus" Nätet
Vice President of God Inc.

Okay, but if this backfires, make sure we have another intern to blame...there was a good one around here somewhere, but I think legal's been using him as a parking valet...

i want my money back.

i want my money back.

Yeah, about that...well, we're contending with a number of lawsuits just right at the moment, and my appeal strategy, "I, God, Shall Judge All Things" is not encountering the success we'd hoped for.

So, unless we get a Falwell and Graham jury that will support the JudeoChristian position over all others, bankruptcy is imminent.

So, we don't have your money.

Yeah, about that...well, we're contending with a number of lawsuits just right at the moment, and my appeal strategy, "I, God, Shall Judge All Things" is not encountering the success we'd hoped for.

So, unless we get a Falwell and Graham jury that will support the JudeoChristian position over all others, bankruptcy is imminent.

So, we don't have your money.
*dissatisfied investor*

just get it back from the (your) church... they have loads! :p

You know that imbalance thing between faith and reason we had going on? Well, some guy called Luther tried applying reason to faith. Surely someone realised putting two heads of John the Baptist within walking distance of each other was a Bad Idea.

You know that imbalance thing between faith and reason we had going on? Well, some guy called Luther tried applying reason to faith. Surely someone realised putting two heads of John the Baptist within walking distance of each other was a Bad Idea.

I wanted to ask our Internal Compliance Auditors about that, but it turns out we forgot to hire any.

...and now they want divorces...

...and now they want divorces...


Well, that's it. I'm spending six days a week in court and depositions, I never see my kid anymore, and the Genetics just sent a memo about something called "wide-spread aneuploidism".

I'm going home for the day.

From the Office of Satan, Bringer of Light and Supreme Lord of the Earth

I am very angry that you have classified "Sin" as a bug, something to be suppressed. You create these poor things called humans, stick them on this mud ball without explanation, ask for their undying adoration, and now you don't want them to have any fun?! I put forth the notion that sin is an invented concept without any inherent meaning put forward by managers to disguise their own incompetence.

From the Office of Satan, Bringer of Light and Supreme Lord of the Earth

I am very angry that you have classified "Sin" as a bug, something to be suppressed. You create these poor things called humans, stick them on this mud ball without explanation, ask for their undying adoration, and now you don't want them to have any fun?! I put forth the notion that sin is an invented concept without any inherent meaning put forward by managers to disguise their own incompetence.

See, this is why I don't give you good reference letters. It says right in the company handbook that the incompetence of management is to be referred to as "corporate culture".

And look at it this way. There are so many bugs in this project, we're lucking the little shits don't just explode randomly.

Wait, they're doing what?

Office of Motal Compliance: Look, things are getting a tad out of hand. It seems our sister company, "Islam Inc.," is trying to take over the mother corporation, plus we're getting a lot of people trying to discredit us through various means. I mean A LOT. It just isn't working well.

We need something to keep them in line, and we need a catchy title. Iquisition, perhaps? It sounds good.

We need something to keep them in line, and we need a catchy title. Iquisition, perhaps? It sounds good.
Well it looked good on paper, but sadly Islam Inc. has countered with it's "Jihad" - I smell a corporate war brewing....

Well it looked good on paper, but sadly Islam Inc. has countered with it's "Jihad" - I smell a corporate war brewing....

Call on crusades. However, it seems that this is going to last a very long time. Stupid Gabriel broke his trumpet, though, so we can't call in the Apocalypse....

Call on crusades. However, it seems that this is going to last a very long time. Stupid Gabriel broke his trumpet, though, so we can't call in the Apocalypse....

We still have this "Love, Peace and Understanding" subroutine somewhere, but it is untested and doesnt' work too good with "Free Will". We should use before the whole damn thing blows up and...

Whoa, sorry guys, sorry. I'm overreacting. I guess I need a break. "Love, Peace and Understanding", hehehe - what was I thinking?

I think I'll go and check if those guys at egineering have any vodka left.

Ideas. I meant ideas.

To Engineering:

I know this is a bit late but I was up all night thinking about it.


That whole "bear her children in pain" thing just isn't going to work. No one is going to have more than one baby after she suffers 26 hour of labor with the first. That is well below replacement rate.

I know its wacky but how about a POUCH instead of a womb? The fetus crawls out of the mother, climbs into the pouch, latches onto the nipple (oh yeah this plan requires ditching that whole large breast thing. It wasnt practical anyway.) and spends the rest of gestation almost on the outside. MUCH easier birth. Women will want to have dozens. Maybe we can sell pouch upgrades....

Anyway I've set up a demo in the experimental backwater. It's labeled "kangaroo". Take a look and let me know what you think.


Ashmoria

To the Committee
From the Public Relations Office

We think you might want to shut down that evolution thing now. We're getting an increasing number of disgruntled complaints from owners of normally functioning humans about a spreading Rationality bug that disguises itself as a subfunction of Faith. It's not a problem at the minute, but some people are worried that it could provide a security hole if left unchecked.

Memo for Record

To:
Humanity Project Steering Committee

From:
Finance

It has come to our attention that there are disturbing tendencies towards rampant aberrant behavior in the early samples of our chief product, 'Mankind.' Whether this is a design feature, or a bug (some have labeled this behavior 'Sin'), is moot; there's a serious shortfall in devotional collections, and God, Inc. may have to issue a profit warning unless we do something to turn around the situation immediately. You are all aware, I'm sure, how the analysts will react to that. If we don't do something soonest, the share price will fall straight into the void.

I propose, as a short-term solution, resetting the system. We can call it an 'operational hold for upgrading the OS,' or use some other opaque euphemism, to keep the shareholders from panicking, whilst we get a handle on this 'Sin' business. I've been speaking with Facilities and Infrastructure, and they think they've got a couple good possibilities for a reset 'off the shelf,' so to speak. At the drastic end, if we want a complete systems shutdown and restart, they've got something called "Maximum Entropy." A little less absolute is the "Large Celestial Object," which has been successfully tested in the Beta-Test Lifeform Lab (See file labeled 'Dinosaurs'). My personal favorite, despite it's clunky name, is a custom piece of work called "The Really Big Civilization-Ending Deluge."

In the longer term, I might suggest 'local' sub-system patches to nip malignant outbreaks of 'Sin' in the bud. Maybe we can recycle the Plagues, or use the Fiery Rain again, or some such similar tool.

Anyway, Thought I'd bring this important matter to your attention for action. I don't think we can continue to conceal our shortfall from the analysts for more than another quarter, so action on this should be taken soonest.

P.S. I've heard rumors that Satan is quietly buying-up as many shares as he can, and is using his minions to intimidate other large shareholders. If action isn't taken, and our price plunges, we could be in for a nasty proxy fight.

Bloody hell, these humans really are something. Can't even agree on how long the year is. Eastern Mysticism Pty Ltd and Islam Inc are both using simple 12 moon-month calendars, but then the ones working under us are buggering it all up by trying to base it on the sun. Means they have to put in all these 'leap years'.
Cute really. Who knows how they'll react when they find out the earth goes around the sun, instead of the other way round.

R+D:

Looks like we have no choice but to release our product with the Evolution feature. We had employed one C. Darwin [he used to be quite devout]; turns out he got fired and leaked the whole thing.

Besides, it's getting on Day 6 of the project, we don't have much time before the holidays, and the Evolution model will allow subsequent designs to be released. I gotta say, this Australopithicus we have lined up has its flaws.

OK guys, we have a problem! Who left all those fossils lying around? The QA department is quite pissed and rightly so. Reason and fossils are a dangerous combination!

This will have consequences fellas. Expect some heads to roll.
I'm sorry, that was a junior engineering intern. I wasn't paying proper attention to Geology, and before I know it, he's got half his team working on raiding the Beta-Test Lifeforms Lab and messing around with that scientist over there - y'know the shy one with the redhair, he's got her wrapped round his finger - and the other half digging up the entire Paleolithic - that took us weeks and weeks to get down, and he ruins it overnight.
He's a smart kid though, and he's working on a solution. He's exploiting the Rationality-Faith bug, he's going to jury-rig a fix on top of that. If it works, it could mean that fixing this would be only a little over budget - putting it right would mean massive overruns. He says he's gonna introduce it on that funny shaped bit of land above the giant comma for a test run, see if it's a good patch.
The Rationality-Faith thing is getting pretty problematic, I gotta admit. I was talking to Jamie from the Mind section, and he says that people keep trying to Rationalise Faith away. Might cause a severe drop in programme efficiency and completion rate. Maybe we should crank up the faith rates a bit? I went ahead and tried it in a few different places - the funny shaped bit of land (it goes well with that patch I told you about), near the server farm that's central to EVERYTHING (upped the hate there too) and up on top in that really reall cold place - I tried upping their secularism there too, it's gotten this really weird glitch involving monetary redistribution, should watch that.

To Legal:

A guy named Vishnu just dropped by. He claims this whole universe thing is his idea and that he has a patent on it. He is threatening a lawsuit if we dont cease and desist on the whole humanity thing.

what should I tell him?


AshmoriaFollowup:

Vishnu sent us a nosegay this morning, the card on it says something weird about the flowers being from his navel. We forwarded them to wastedisposal, but put Vishnu on the companys Christmascardlist anyway.

Followup:

Vishnu sent us a nosegay this morning, the card on it says something weird about the flowers being from his navel. We forwarded them to wastedisposal, but put Vishnu on the companys Christmascardlist anyway.

He turned out to be a bit of a nut. After that whole Kali threat he started talking about shiva, brahma, and how they are all different aspects of HIM. (or maybe he of them, it was hard to follow). Then he started in on how we are all parts of his MIND as the creator of the universe (his or shiva's or brahmas. Well you see what i mean).

I just nodded and said "well then you can't very well sue yourself". Pretty soon he brightened up and mumbled something about collecting all the dividends.

It was all rather creepy.


Ashmoria

He turned out to be a bit of a nut. After that whole Kali threat he started talking about shiva, brahma, and how they are all different aspects of HIM. (or maybe he of them, it was hard to follow). Then he started in on how we are all parts of his MIND as the creator of the universe (his or shiva's or brahmas. Well you see what i mean).

I just nodded and said "well then you can't very well sue yourself". Pretty soon he brightened up and mumbled something about collecting all the dividends.

It was all rather creepy.


Ashmoria

If I recall correctly (I explored working there), they're departmental heads of Hinducorp.

OFFICEWIDE MEMO:

As per section Lev. 11:6-8 of the previously mentioned Corporate Guidelines, pork will no longer be served as a lunchtime option in the company cafeteria. As per section Lev. 11:10, shellfish will also be taken from the menu.

OFFICEWIDE MEMO:

As per section Lev. 11:6-8 of the previously mentioned Corporate Guidelines, pork will no longer be served as a lunchtime option in the company cafeteria. As per section Lev. 11:10, shellfish will also be taken from the menu.

I'm in the New Covenant Division. We're having a clam bake tomorrow afternoon on Pangea Beach.

Ashmoria

I'm in the New Covenant Division. We're having a clam bake tomorrow afternoon on Pangea Beach.

Ashmoria

Well, call me old-fashioned, but the founding principals of this company are good enough for me.

[;) ]

we can raise some extra cash, if we use our current project to get rid of some toxic waste, we will just scatter the mix (some lead, some arsen, radioactive waste etc.) randomly across the balls and pass them off as "feature" in the resources chapter of the manual.

By the way, who is writing the manual? I have a group with some experience in desktoppublishing at hand.

we can raise some extra cash, if we use our current project to get rid of some toxic waste, we will just scatter the mix (some lead, some arsen, radioactive waste etc.) randomly across the balls and pass them off as "feature" in the resources chapter of the manual.

By the way, who is writing the manual? I have a group with some experience in desktoppublishing at hand.

I hear we've just hired a Joseph Guttenburg for publishing, and there are rumors that God Himself is the author. Any verification on that? As far as the editors, I have no idea.

OOC- sorry if I'm hogging this thread right now. I just got done with my semester, so I'm sitting here with nothing much to do, and I love the idea of this thread.

OOC- sorry if I'm hogging this thread right now. I just got done with my semester, so I'm sitting here with nothing much to do, and I love the idea of this thread.
i think we have to wait until "the boss" comes back. its great fun but we need more participants.

i think we have to wait until "the boss" comes back. its great fun but we need more participants.

Gotcha- time for me to get out of here anyway. Until next time, folks.

OOC- sorry if I'm hogging this thread right now. I just got done with my semester, so I'm sitting here with nothing much to do, and I love the idea of this thread.

Don't worry, I've had 3 posts in a row on this thing...

Okay, so we're "go" on the evolution feature, the cafeteria has been split into "Old Menu", "New Menu", "Gnostic Meals" and "Vegan", and lessee, what else...

wait, engineering says we need an organ to serve as the seat of the immortal sould. Hell, let's just use the appendix, they'll never know.

Don't worry, I've had 3 posts in a row on this thing...

Okay, so we're "go" on the evolution feature, the cafeteria has been split into "Old Menu", "New Menu", "Gnostic Meals" and "Vegan", and lessee, what else...

wait, engineering says we need an organ to serve as the seat of the immortal sould. Hell, let's just use the appendix, they'll never know.

One of my guys has been looking into that on the side - he's had some good ideas. He thinks we should stick it in the pineal gland, it's much harder to get at than the appendix, being right in the middle of the brain. And he's giving it some alternate function, disguising what it's really for - I don't think we sould make it easy to get at the kernel, we might get someone reverse-engineering this, ad that'd be a no-no.
Anyways, beta-testing seems to show a bug with the appendix, it seems to get infected easily. We're going to try to beef up protection there, but it's a delicate balance. I'll have his report on your desk by Monday evening. Anyone else wanna be copied in on that?

One of my guys has been looking into that on the side - he's had some good ideas. He thinks we should stick it in the pineal gland, it's much harder to get at than the appendix, being right in the middle of the brain. And he's giving it some alternate function, disguising what it's really for - I don't think we sould make it easy to get at the kernel, we might get someone reverse-engineering this, ad that'd be a no-no.
Anyways, beta-testing seems to show a bug with the appendix, it seems to get infected easily. We're going to try to beef up protection there, but it's a delicate balance. I'll have his report on your desk by Monday evening. Anyone else wanna be copied in on that?

Maybe we should put a sticker on the back of the skull that says "Cracking this seal voids the 90 day warranty unless you are an authorized service provider", but there won't be any real process to become an authorized service provider.

And the 90 days starts at conception, but claims can only be filed after birth...