NationStates Jolt Archive

Come on, share your favorite jokes here. PLEASE!

I need some more ammo in my three-joke arsenal (hehe), so I will be an attentive thread creator.

okay, well, this one is better said than written, but... hopefully you'll all get it:

This guy walks into his psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran-Wrap (cellophane) underwear.

The doctor walks in and says, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"




(and "your nuts")

Joke #2:

This guy walks into a bar. What does he say?


Ouch.

Joke #3:

How do you kill a blonde?

Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker on the bottom of a swimming pool.

Okay, there was this irish guy, who walked out of a bar.

No, seriously, it HAPPENED!:p

Okay, there was this irish guy, who walked out of a bar.

No, seriously, it HAPPENED!:p

hehe

A rabbi, a priest, and a monk walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "what is this, a joke?"

A new doctor is being led on a tour of the psychiatric hospital. The older doctor with him opens the door to a padded cell revealing a man dressed like Abe Lincoln, and explains his condition. Next they open the door to a cell containing a man dressed like Napoleon and the older doctor describes his ailment. Finally the older doctor opens the door to another padded cell to reveal a naked man with his penis in a jar of peanuts. "What do you call that condition?" asks the younger doctor. The older doctor replies "He's just fucking nuts."

A new doctor is being led on a tour of the psychiatric hospital. The older doctor with him opens the door to a padded cell revealing a man dressed like Abe Lincoln, and explains his condition. Next they open the door to a cell containing a man dressed like Napoleon and the older doctor describes his ailment. Finally the older doctor opens the door to another padded cell to reveal a naked man with his penis in a jar of peanuts. "What do you call that condition?" asks the younger doctor. The older doctor replies "He's just fucking nuts."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

This one is a little disgusting so if you are squeamish, dont read(especially you British folks.You'll see why).

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one sits down and the bartender said,"What'll ya have?". The vampire says"I'll have a cup of blood." So the bartender gives him a cup of blood. The next vampire sits down and the bartender asked,"What'll ya have?" The vampire answered" I'll have a cup of blood." So the bartender gives him a cup of blood. The last vampire sat down and the bartender asked"What'll ya have?" The vampire answered."I'll have a glass of water. The bartender was confused and asked"Why water. I thought that vampires drink blood. Then the vampire pulled out a used tampon and said"Tea time."

Q:Why did Hitler kill himself?

A:He got the gas bill.

Q:Why did Hitler kill himself?

A:He got the gas bill.

Q: What is the diffeerence between a Jew and a Pizza

A; Pizzas don't scream when you push tem into the oven.

That's not very...

Damn, i got beaten to the anti-semitic-flaming jokes...

oh well, time for the big guns...

Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und schlottermeyer?
JA!
Beirhund das oder, die flippenwald gespurt!


I know the grammar in that joke is bad, but it's good. Now for the real big gun.

What's blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of my swimming pool?
A baby with slashed armbands.

What'a red and yellow and floats above it?
Armbands with a slashed baby.

Damn, i got beaten to the anti-semitic-flaming jokes...

oh well, time for the big guns...

Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und schlottermeyer?
JA!
Beirhund das oder, die flippenwald gespurt!


I know the grammar in that joke is bad, but it's good. Now for the real big gun.

What's blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of my swimming pool?
A baby with slashed armbands.

What'a red and yellow and floats above it?
Armbands with a slashed baby.

:p :p :p
EVIL!!!

guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom.
The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them.
He asks the first duck, "What's your name?"
"Huey," replies the duck.
"So, how's your day been?"
"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Huey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day."
The bartender asks the second duck, "What's your name?"
"Duey," replies the duck.
"So, how's your day been?"
"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Duey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day."
The witty bartender says to the third duck, "So I guess your name is Louie?"
The duck replies, "No, I'm Puddles."

A duck walks into a bar and pulls up a stool.

He looks at the bartender and quacks "Got any bread?"
The bartender shakes his head and says "sorry mate, we're fresh out ofbread today."
The duck keeps looking and asks again "Got any bread?"
"no, I just said we're out of bread."
"Got any bread?"
Our barman is starting to get annoyed and yells "No, you stupid duck. No bread!"
"Got any bread?"
"NO! No damn bread!"
The duck pauses for a moment and asks Again
"Got any bread?"
"NO! if you ask for and bloody bread ONE MORE TIME I'll nail that beak of yours to this bar!"
"Got any nails?"
"NO! SOD OFF!"
"Got any bread, then?"

This one is a little disgusting so if you are squeamish, dont read(especially you British folks.You'll see why).
I'll thank you not to insult my country again (who took over half of the known world a century ago, I'll have you know!)

One day, a large Panda in a trench coat walks into a restaurant. He sits down at a table and orders some food. Once he ate the food he stood up, took a revolver from his coat and shot some holes in the roof, then put the revolver back into his coat pocket. The manager, obviously a bit pissed off, walked up to the panda and asked, "what did you do that for!?" and the Panda replied gruffly, "look it up."

After the manager had sorted out the roof, he went home and looked in his encyclopedia and read:

"Panda n. Ailuropoda melanoleuca, a large, endangered species of bear indigeonous to the Orient. Eats shoots and leaves."

diapers and government need to be changed frequently for much the same reason...

I'll thank you not to insult my country again (who took over half of the known world a century ago, I'll have you know!)

I agree, moon wolves. England > rest of Britain > All > France.

I think it was because of the tea time thing. and anyway, it's pronounced "Tay-ah-tim-eh" :) Any pratchett fans get that one?

Oh, and let me be the first to welcome you, wolves. This is a fun place, knock on the wall if the nutters next door get too loud. and please, don't prod the fundamentalists, they take a while to shut up once they get going.

I agree, moon wolves. England > rest of Britain > All > France.

I think it was because of the tea time thing. and anyway, it's pronounced "Tay-ah-tim-eh" :) Any pratchett fans get that one?

Oh, and let me be the first to welcome you, wolves. This is a fun place, knock on the wall if the nutters next door get too loud. and please, don't prod the fundamentalists, they take a while to shut up once they get going.
Jonathan Teatime, in Hogfather. Tries to kill the Hogfather.

A Catholic priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when they see an 8 year old boy walking the other way. The priest says 'Shall we screw him?', and the rabbi replies 'Out of what?'

I agree, moon wolves. England > rest of Britain > All > France.

I think it was because of the tea time thing. and anyway, it's pronounced "Tay-ah-tim-eh" :) Any pratchett fans get that one?

Oh, and let me be the first to welcome you, wolves. This is a fun place, knock on the wall if the nutters next door get too loud. and please, don't prod the fundamentalists, they take a while to shut up once they get going.

Pratchett rules. Mr teatime! rawr.

Anyway, joke. Offensive to both sexes.

A man dies and goes to heaven.
(ps thats not it but that woulda been a good one)
He says to god "God,why did you make women so beautiful?"
"SO YOU WOULD LOVE THEM MY SON."
"Why did you make them so stupid?"
"SO THEY WOULD LOVE YOU MY SON."

Jonathan Teatime, in Hogfather. Tries to kill the Hogfather.

Nice one I V Stalin. Have a Wooktopian Fishgut Cookie O. A very nice treat indeed!

Edit: Europa Alpha, you get one as well. O

Another one: Boris Yeltsin died and went to hell.
He pleaded with the devil to let him contact the political leaders on earth,
The devil said. Very well.
U.S 17$
U.K 34$
China 12$
South Ameica10$
russia 10 cents.
"Why is russia so cheap?"
"Its a local call"

Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und schlottermeyer?
JA!
Beirhund das oder, die flippenwald gespurt!

Wasn't that the 'joke that killed people' in Monty Python? What does it actually mean?

Woman walks into the doctors, complaining of stomach pains.

The doctor checks her over and say's "in 9 months, you will be changing nappies"

The woman is ecstatic and asks: "Why? Am I pregnant?"

"no, you have stomach cancer...

Okay, there was this irish guy, who walked out of a bar.

No, seriously, it HAPPENED!:p
love it... and i'm irish!

What did the gay guy sy to the rooster?
"any-dude-will-do!

A priest is hearing confessions when he has some intestinal distress and really has to go. He opens the door and sees the janitor nearby. He runs and asks him if he could hear some confessions as the line is really long. He tells the janitor to listen and then give whatever amount of prayers seems appropriate for each sin. The janitor agrees.

A young man enters the confessional and says: "Forgive me father, for I have sinned!"

"What sin have you committed my son?"

""Father, I've had oral sex from a girl!"

Befuddled, the janitor can figure out the amount of prayers, he sees an alterboy nearby and asks him "What does the Father give for oral sex?"

The alterboy says:"Usually cookies and milk!"

*this may be a little sophisticated for some people :p (and its not really funny)

Rene Descartes walks into a bar.

"Want a beer?" the bartender asks him.

Descartes says, "I think not," and then suddenly dissappears.

A farmer had an old rooster who wasn't able to keep up with all the hens he had to impregnate anymore. The farmer decided to go out and buy a young rooster and get rid of the old one. Upon bringing the young rooster back the two birds began to talk to one another. Old rooster said "I realize I'm over the hill, but at least give me a chance to keep my job. How about I race you for it?" The young rooster, being somewhat cocky, agreed. "I'll even give you a little head start old guy."

Two minutes later the farmer comes out to see the young rooster chasing the old one. He grabs his shotgun and blasts the young rooster, then exclaims "God damn it! That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

Two brunettes and a blonde are trying to become CIA operatives. They have passed all of their tests except for the final one, which they are waiting to be briefed on. The CIA director comes in and hands them each a gun. He explains that the guns each have only one bullet and their husbands are up in rooms on the floor above them. To prove their loyalty, they must kill their husband.

The first brunette says that she cannot do it, and hands the director her gun.

The second brunette goes upstairs, but quickly comes back down and gives the gun to the director.

The blonde goes upstairs. A gunshot is heard. After a minute, the blonde comes back down stairs.

"Congratulations, and welcome to the CIA," says the director.

The blonde replies: "I thought you might want to know that something was wrong with your gun. It fired a blank, so I had to strangle my husband to death."

*this may be a little sophisticated for some people :p (and its not really funny)

Rene Descartes walks into a bar.

"Want a beer?" the bartender asks him.

Descartes says, "I think not," and then suddenly dissappears. Descartes didn't come up with "Cogito ergo sum", did he? The joke would make sense if he did…

Funny Military Quotes:

"The 'L' in CENTCOM stands for leadership..."

"At this Command, we have written in large, black letters: DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on the back of our security badges."
Maj (CENTCOM)

"'Leaning forward' is really just the first phase of 'falling on your face.'"
Marine Col (MARFOREUR)

"I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my butt."

"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers (hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We've got no issues with that, but State is being anal about it."
LTC (JS) on OIF coalition-building.

"The chance of success in these talks is the same as the number of "R's" in 'fat chance...'"
GS-15 (SHAPE)

"Ya know, in this Command, if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would still happen behind schedule."
CWO4 (EUCOM)

"We are condemned men who are chained and will row in place until we rot."
LtCol (CENTCOM) on life at his Command

"Right now we're pretty much the ham in a bad ham sandwich..."
GO/FO (EUCOM)

"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only take a minute."
MAJ(EUCOM)

"The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every command. The key is to find them ... and then exploit the hell out of 'em."
CDR (CENTCOM)

"WE are the reason that Rumsfeld hates us..."
LTC (EUCOM) doing some standard, Army self-flagellation

"Working with Hungary is like watching a bad comedy set on auto repeat..."
LCDR (EUCOM)
"Never in the history of the US Armed Forces have so many done so much for so few..."
MAJ (Task Force Warrior) on the "success" of the Free Iraqi Forces (FIF) Training Program, where 1100 Army troops trained 77 Iraqi exiles at the cost of, ...well, ...way too much...

"Our days are spent trying to get some poor, unsuspecting third world country to pony up to spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of pissed off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign occupation by a country for whom they have nothing but contempt." LTC (JS) on the joys of coalition building

"I guess the next thing they'll ask for is 300 US citizens with Hungarian last names to send to Iraq..."
MAJ (JS) on the often-frustrating process of building the Iraqi coalition for Phase IV