Syniks
01-12-2005, 22:24
Holidays' confusion comes to a head
Published December 1, 2005
There's a nice fresh shrunken head drying out on the Swede's desk right outside my office.
But don't worry, it's not touching anything. He propped it up on three plastic forks--sort of a tripod--so that it can get plenty of air and turn good and leathery. It's smiling. I made him keep it by his desk.
"Thanks," the Swede said. "Now I get to deal with the fruit flies and not you."
It's technically not a real meat-based shrunken head either, but rather a carved Granny Smith apple, and here's hoping it will dry into a festive head for the season.
It represents my plan to conquer the Chrismahanukwanzah market, which, according to wacky rich guy Sir Richard Branson on CNN, is what we should call this confusing time of year. I think he's onto something.
And since Christ has been removed from Christmas, there's no underlying reason to give gifts in December. What would those gifts symbolize?
Oh, I forgot. Santa sent Rudolph to Earth to light the world with his shiny red nose.
Either way, we're forced to give gifts, since those who don't are considered cheap. That's where my shrunken heads come in, or rather apples fashioned into heads. I still need to cut some deal with the Apple Growers Association to build my empire.
Just think of paying $50 for a box set of 12 shrunken apple heads with little hooks in them, like Santa's elves, available at fine department stores or Wal-Mart, whichever gives me the best price. They'll serve as Chrismahanukwanzah ornaments, for your Chrismahanukwanzah tree.
snip
Here's the basic process: Take a big apple and a sharp knife, also a Tribune to catch the shavings. Peel the apple, leaving the top for hair, then carve it into a head.
If you don't like the tripod of plastic forks, you may insert a loop of wire, the easier to hang on your Chrismahanukwanzah vegetation. If you have your own Swedish assistant, he can hang them over a radiator or anywhere where it's dry and warm. Then apply lacquer if you wish, some glue and cotton to intensify the elf motif. Leave them bald at your peril. And I recommend carving smiles, because this is a happy holiday.
But most of you don't have a big, loyal Swede hanging around, itching to carve more heads on your command. So, you'll have to buy my heads. Venture capitalists are standing by.
In the end, this isn't about my fortune. It is about the joy of the season. Imagine an entire tree festooned with such objects.
Nothing quite says Peace on Earth like a bunch of shrunken heads on a Chrismahanukwanzah tree.
Since he left out Agnostica, I'm going to sell my trademarked Chrismahanukwanzagnostica Shrunken Heads for a mere $29.95 per ounce plus shipping.
Buy now! Taking orders last Thursday for 2003 Chrismahanukwanzagnostica delivery!
Published December 1, 2005
There's a nice fresh shrunken head drying out on the Swede's desk right outside my office.
But don't worry, it's not touching anything. He propped it up on three plastic forks--sort of a tripod--so that it can get plenty of air and turn good and leathery. It's smiling. I made him keep it by his desk.
"Thanks," the Swede said. "Now I get to deal with the fruit flies and not you."
It's technically not a real meat-based shrunken head either, but rather a carved Granny Smith apple, and here's hoping it will dry into a festive head for the season.
It represents my plan to conquer the Chrismahanukwanzah market, which, according to wacky rich guy Sir Richard Branson on CNN, is what we should call this confusing time of year. I think he's onto something.
And since Christ has been removed from Christmas, there's no underlying reason to give gifts in December. What would those gifts symbolize?
Oh, I forgot. Santa sent Rudolph to Earth to light the world with his shiny red nose.
Either way, we're forced to give gifts, since those who don't are considered cheap. That's where my shrunken heads come in, or rather apples fashioned into heads. I still need to cut some deal with the Apple Growers Association to build my empire.
Just think of paying $50 for a box set of 12 shrunken apple heads with little hooks in them, like Santa's elves, available at fine department stores or Wal-Mart, whichever gives me the best price. They'll serve as Chrismahanukwanzah ornaments, for your Chrismahanukwanzah tree.
snip
Here's the basic process: Take a big apple and a sharp knife, also a Tribune to catch the shavings. Peel the apple, leaving the top for hair, then carve it into a head.
If you don't like the tripod of plastic forks, you may insert a loop of wire, the easier to hang on your Chrismahanukwanzah vegetation. If you have your own Swedish assistant, he can hang them over a radiator or anywhere where it's dry and warm. Then apply lacquer if you wish, some glue and cotton to intensify the elf motif. Leave them bald at your peril. And I recommend carving smiles, because this is a happy holiday.
But most of you don't have a big, loyal Swede hanging around, itching to carve more heads on your command. So, you'll have to buy my heads. Venture capitalists are standing by.
In the end, this isn't about my fortune. It is about the joy of the season. Imagine an entire tree festooned with such objects.
Nothing quite says Peace on Earth like a bunch of shrunken heads on a Chrismahanukwanzah tree.
Since he left out Agnostica, I'm going to sell my trademarked Chrismahanukwanzagnostica Shrunken Heads for a mere $29.95 per ounce plus shipping.
Buy now! Taking orders last Thursday for 2003 Chrismahanukwanzagnostica delivery!