NationStates Jolt Archive

Currently, I'm a teacher who teaches at a distance, over the phone, or online. Some of my students are in correctional facilities, and one student in particular (in a federal institution) is becoming rather 'too friendly' with me. I'm pretty good at cutting off social talk, and keeping on track, but since conversation is such a huge part of this course (Spanish), I can only do that so much. Still, it's tough to maintain that separation, when a student is telling you about their life (in this case, their life in jail), and asking you questions about yours. Arrgh. This is the danger of being in helping professions.

I had the same sort of problem when I worked at a distress line, helping people who were suicidal, abused or abusing, and so on. In order to help, you have to form some sort of meaningful rapport, but you can't allow it to go beyond a certain point. That point is going to vary from person to person.

In any case...do any of you have stories of where you've come close to crossing that line, having it crossed, or actually gone right over it?

Sometimes I think you make these threads to get me to talk about sex...

Yes, we've had to deal with it.

Sometimes I think you make these threads to get me to talk about sex...

Yes, we've had to deal with it.
Hah! For once that's not an angle I'd thought of!

Though now that you mention it, it seems obvious...but do really consider what you do to be 'helping people'? Ok, I can see that.

How about the other things you do...helping abused women. Does that ever cause problems in terms of getting too close?

Hah! For once that's not an angle I'd thought of!

Though now that you mention it, it seems obvious...but do really consider what you do to be 'helping people'? Ok, I can see that.

How about the other things you do...helping abused women. Does that ever cause problems in terms of getting too close?

We've become fast friends with the regular people we swing with. Still haven't had it be a problem from a relationship point of view. We know where the boundaries are, and we don't cross them. Most guys who are being given free sex with no strings have absolutely no interest in taking it any further.

There's a woman who lives with us right now who we are helping. The problem never arises largely because a) I'm happy with my wife and our relationship, and b) the women who stay with us are not very happy with men in general.

At the distress line, we had a rule about no intentional meetings with clients. Ever. It was strictly verboten...and you would be dismissed immediately if it happened. It made sense, for our safety especially. But there was a time a young girl was actually slitting here wrists while she talked to me (in an in-progress situation, we can trace the call, but because we're not set up for it, it takes up to an hour, and sometimes is not successful), and I was seriously thinking that if I could just meet this girl, I could help her better, because her big issue was that she had no friends in town, having just moved here. I look at this now as a 'duh' moment...clearly she had issues beyond just loneliness, but it was very difficult when she asked me to meet her, to say no and stick to that. I'm glad I said no...but at the time, I felt like a total bitch.

And then there are the ones who would call just to talk to someone, anyone. We became their crutch, and it was hard for us too, because you learn everything about this person's life. You can't share anything about yours, because that is definately a no-no...but just having someone to talk to was enough for many people. But if you can't make progress, and it just becomes a chat, you have to let them go. That got to be very hard on me.

There's a woman who lives with us right now who we are helping. The problem never arises largely because a) I'm happy with my wife and our relationship, and b) the women who stay with us are not very happy with men in general.
Okay, that's one possible line that probably won't be crossed, but I had something else in mind. Do you ever find these women turning to you and your wife for friendship and further support, once they are out of the immediate situation?

Okay, that's one possible line that probably won't be crossed, but I had something else in mind. Do you ever find these women turning to you and your wife for friendship and further support, once they are out of the immediate situation?

Yes, they're friends for good, mostly with my wife. While they're willing to learn how to use a gun from me, or what to do to stop being stalked, they confide only in women (my wife). One drawback from women who are abused is that they have a lot to resolve before they ever trust men again.

well nothing as serious as helping suicidal people or anything, but in school i was lumped with this really weird, unpopular (an understatement) and frankly very annoying kid in my tutor group and classes. i felt sorry for him cos he had no friends at all, so i was pleasant and kind as i could be, just in an effort to cheer him up and show him that not everybody sucks. unfortunatley he crossed the line by becoming "bestest pals" and attaching to me like a fucking limpet crab or something (or whatever a limpet thingy is)... didn't mind at first but this kid was the most annoying person i've ever known. so whatever "line" there was had been crossed. just kinda distanced myself from him over the years at school and eventually he left to go to a different college. but at least i did help cos he left more confident and slightly less full of hate :)

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Not pointless. I think that's a good example of how sometimes, when you try to help someone, it turns bad. They attach themselves to you, and it becomes a rather weird relationship.

Again not as severe as correctional facilities or suicide help lines or anything...

But there was this dude who worked at the same theater as me and a friend who was just too much. One of those military fetishists and Cliff Clavin types, just an odd cat in general. Turns out he was homeless, sleeping in the breakroom during the day and wandering the streets at night.

So, annoying as the dude was there was a pang of guilt and so me and my friend flipped a coin to see who would take him in until he could get sorted out. I mean, he had the same job we had and we had digs, so it stood to reason that he'd be able to work it out as well.

To this date we still don't know who 'won' the coin toss, but I wound up with the dude. My roommate initially wasn't all that into the idea but then the the dude started stroking my roommates ego and it was all over. When we moved and the little scrub moved with us it was all over. In the end we had bailed him out of the hospital (after he tried to break up drunks fighting for some reason), he had broken my tv and got mad at me about it ("Hey, your TVs broken") Invited a freeloading chick and random dude to stay in our house, the latter of which devistated my biscuits, would knock on my door constantly asking for things like can openers (when everyone else seemed to know what me and my girlfriend running off to my room and turning my stereo way up meant) and dozens of other things that I've scarred over.

Though I think that the karma was worth it because I was able to survive all three times I've ended up homeless due to kindness showed me by friends and sometimes people I don't know. So it's all good.

Some people can handle the differance between a professional helping and a friend, and others can't. Unfortunatly, its hard to tell the two groups apart before hand.

I spend a great deal of time avoiding and dodging people I've helped.
I've helped people in person with projects,etc... Over the phone- one friend claims I talked her out of suicide on Halloween years ago. I roll my eyes-she swears its true and literally worships me.
I have always helped where I saw a need-I get some personal satisfaction out of assisting and supporting other people, even if its just validating them through listening. I have always found myself giving advice-advice people follow and then rave about how great I was.
The problem is, I dont like people. I like to be left alone,keep to myself. Over the years, I've perfected my vanishing act. And working from home most of the time has many advantages for me.

my mom once worked for SACS (sexual abuse crisis service). She would take calls at home and listen to these women whenever they needed. she said it was the hardest job she had ever done, but by far the most rewarding.

I personally used to do a pre-practicum teaching in Brookline. One boy came into the class one day, and we very quickly learned that he was illiterate. I, to some extent, got assigned to this boy to make him do his work. He was very quiet, very shy, but very clearly disturbed about something. turns out he lived in the projects of Brookline. This boy was going to school with kids who would take the family helicopter for a weekend in Paris. Or the family yatch to the bahamas. It was rediculous. So I would sit and listen to this boy. He would always ask questions about my life, and to remain professional, I would just kinda wave them off with "oh, my lifes boring. No fun stories to tell".
The last day I was there, a friend of mine had been taken off life support the day before, so I was feeling pretty crappy. Around noon, in the middle of my lesson, I got a text message, passed the lesson off to the other student teacher, and left the room. The text message just said "Kim died." About half an hour later, I had collected myself well enough to go back in. It was a bit rainy, and so the kids had indoor recess, and I was "reading" for the class I had later in the day. So this boy comes up to me and sits down, and is just staring. Kinda put off and wanting to be alone with my thoughts, I asked a bit rudely "what do you want". Not too rude, but I couldn't stop a bit of bitterness from coming through. He asked if we could talk, so I brought him to the teacher lounge and asked him what was up, with as much genuine interest as I could. He turned the question right back at me, which I really wasn't expecting. For a second, I resisted. I mean, this was a 6th grader, I couldn't tell him about this stuff, particularly because he was a student of mine.
So while I'm thinking all that stuff about how I can't tell him, I appearently already had been. I didn't tell too much, just that a friend of mine had just died. As soon as I realized what I was saying, I cut myself off and figured out some way to get out (I still have no idea how I did). But I felt like crap after that. He looked genuinely concerned, and seemed to have trouble the rest of the day.

*sigh* lesson learned for the day. Never share your personal life with students. If its so bad that you can't hide it, then run. run far, and run fast. lol

*snip*Something very similar happened to me at school too. Like yourself, I felt sorry for the guy - and he actually was quite a nice bloke, just not someone I had an awful lot in common with, really. Anyway, he really latched on to me, followed me everywhere, sat beside me in every class we shared...it began to drive me nuts, no matter how pleasant I found him. Because he was the anti-thesis of what was considered 'cool', due to my association with him I began to be considered a twat as well (though obviously the only real twats in the situation were the ones that were bullying him in the first place). I used to get a lot of stick that I was dating him, despite the fact the entire world knew the vast majority of my friends were blokes. At the end of the day, I didn't really care that much in the long-run about that side of things - let the immature wankers think what they want. But I did care that yer man was behaving like he was dependent on me. I behaved politely but distantly after realising it, and by the time we did our GCSEs - he left school, I stayed for my A levels - we parted on good, but fairly distant terms.

I didn't want to reject him, but it would only have been harmful for both of us in the long-run for his apparent reliance on me to continue. It worked out OK in the end, but although he was a target for being picked on, as far as I am aware he had no major issues like psychological problems or whatnot. I imagine it would be much more difficult to deal with a situation like this when people with such issues are involved.

Oh yes, I know what you mean, Sinuhue. In high school and in my early years of university, the people I invariably had as friends were all needy people who needed help. A LOT of help. Suicide hot line type help, in some cases. Talk about being sucked in over your head into relationships you don't know how to handle emotionally.

I guess that this really doesn't apply, as I don't consider myself in a "helping" profession, more of just a go-between service. But the situation is similar, dealing with seperating your sympathy from your work.

I manage properties for a guy who owns about two dozen homes. Like I said, I am a go between, I actively work to bring the tenants and the owner together. After the sign the lease, I maintain the lease, making sure the house stays in good condition for the tenant, making sure the owner gets the rent. This means that I know and maintain contact with all of the tenants, yet I am getting paid by the owner.

It gets difficult, though, as the owner has very little patience for the tenants, he has to, otherwise he leaves himself open to being screwed over. But this puts a lot of pressure on me, as he is always pushing for me to file quick evictions on people that I know on a somewhat personal level. These are families that are getting kicked out of their homes, and I am the one that tries to work with them, hears their hard luck stories, and eventually gives them the boot.

my mom once worked for SACS (sexual abuse crisis service). She would take calls at home and listen to these women whenever they needed. she said it was the hardest job she had ever done, but by far the most rewarding.

I personally used to do a pre-practicum teaching in Brookline. One boy came into the class one day, and we very quickly learned that he was illiterate. I, to some extent, got assigned to this boy to make him do his work. He was very quiet, very shy, but very clearly disturbed about something. turns out he lived in the projects of Brookline. This boy was going to school with kids who would take the family helicopter for a weekend in Paris. Or the family yatch to the bahamas. It was rediculous. So I would sit and listen to this boy. He would always ask questions about my life, and to remain professional, I would just kinda wave them off with "oh, my lifes boring. No fun stories to tell".
The last day I was there, a friend of mine had been taken off life support the day before, so I was feeling pretty crappy. Around noon, in the middle of my lesson, I got a text message, passed the lesson off to the other student teacher, and left the room. The text message just said "Kim died." About half an hour later, I had collected myself well enough to go back in. It was a bit rainy, and so the kids had indoor recess, and I was "reading" for the class I had later in the day. So this boy comes up to me and sits down, and is just staring. Kinda put off and wanting to be alone with my thoughts, I asked a bit rudely "what do you want". Not too rude, but I couldn't stop a bit of bitterness from coming through. He asked if we could talk, so I brought him to the teacher lounge and asked him what was up, with as much genuine interest as I could. He turned the question right back at me, which I really wasn't expecting. For a second, I resisted. I mean, this was a 6th grader, I couldn't tell him about this stuff, particularly because he was a student of mine.
So while I'm thinking all that stuff about how I can't tell him, I appearently already had been. I didn't tell too much, just that a friend of mine had just died. As soon as I realized what I was saying, I cut myself off and figured out some way to get out (I still have no idea how I did). But I felt like crap after that. He looked genuinely concerned, and seemed to have trouble the rest of the day.

*sigh* lesson learned for the day. Never share your personal life with students. If its so bad that you can't hide it, then run. run far, and run fast. lol

I'd tend to disagree about telling students about your personal life. I tend to find that it helps to build rapport. And students like to know about you, they like to see that you are human.

For some reason I must've stood out like a blip on people's "personal problems" radars, because I was forever being taken advantage of by so-called friends and friends of friends. It seemed like it would never end. I loathed being everybody's Agony Aunt, so I just packed up and moved.

Problem solved.

For some reason I must've stood out like a blip on people's "personal problems" radars, because I was forever being taken advantage of by so-called friends and friends of friends. It seemed like it would never end. I loathed being everybody's Agony Aunt, so I just packed up and moved.

Problem solved.


I'm guessing you're a good listener and show a degree of compassion.
While these are great qualities, its hard to turn them off and you become like a magnet for people with problem. You're like a drug to them.