NationStates Jolt Archive

Men: Finding out after 18 years that your child's father is not you.

OR

Women: Finding out that your husband had an affair 18 years ago, and has a child with another woman?

Gut reaction here, folks...

For me, neither. My wife and I have talked about this.

Finding out the kid wasn't yours.. finding out your husband has other kids is bad, but you didn't have to pay for it.

Finding out the kid wasn't yours.. finding out your husband has other kids is bad, but you didn't have to pay for it.
Would it really matter all that much though? You raised the kid as your own...much as you would have had you adopted. Would you disown a child you raised, based on its parentage?

For me, neither. My wife and I have talked about this.
I can imagine you have...though I assume you're taking precautions. And? You would raise the child no problem?

Try this one. You and your wife are swingers, and by some chance of fate she gets pregnant. Mind you, she's had her tubes tied and I've had a vasectomy - so the child is from another man - and you might not even know the father's name.

Is it a problem? Or is it something you should cover before you start?

Make sure you tell your secrets to each other BEFORE you get married.

Men: Finding out after 18 years that your child's father is not you.

OR

Women: Finding out that your husband had an affair 18 years ago, and has a child with another woman?

Gut reaction here, folks...Equally crappy, I think. In both cases, the issue is the infidelity, and in both cases it is equally bad.

I can imagine you have...though I assume you're taking precautions. And? You would raise the child no problem?

Yes. It's a child, and the product of our decisions.

Aye, in both cases your finding out you've been lied to for 18 years. But in one of the two, you've been paying cash to recieve that lie.

Finding out the kid wasn't yours.. finding out your husband has other kids is bad, but you didn't have to pay for it.
"Have to pay for it?" How about, instead of your partner just having cheated on you, instead you at least got to have a child to love, to rear, to nurture, and to bond with. At least the infidelity produced a child that you (presumably) have come to cherish, and that can be one bright spot in the whole ugly matter.

I don't think most men would be so quick to severe their connection with their kids. If they've been a kid's Daddy for 18 years, I doubt that finding out there's no biological connection would suddenly make them regard the child as nothing but an expense and a burden. But maybe I have a higher opinion of men than is normal...

Biology is not something to get all that worked up for, if I raised the child, it is my kid, so I wouldn't be that worried about the first. For the second, I would like to think I would be open in a marriage, and 18 years is a long time ago.

Would it really matter all that much though? You raised the kid as your own...much as you would have had you adopted. Would you disown a child you raised, based on its parentage?

The former. Definitely, and I know through grim experience (thankfully not my own).
A friend of mine married a woman when she became pregnant-supposedly by him. The marriage wasn't a good idea in the first place. He found out after about ten years that his child wasn't his-not only had he been paying for it, and nurturing it, but had been sticking with the woman "for the sake of the child". Now, you could argue that his reasoning was flawed (both in marrying and staying in the marriage), but it ended up in the situation where he felt he could no longer stay in the relationship, but had a "son" who wasn't his, but whom he loved deeply.

You could argue that he had received a very precious relationship through this deception. However, you could also argue that through no fault of his own, he had been denied finding someone with whom he wanted to have a child, and that he has had ten years of his life stolen.

Equally crappy, I think. In both cases, the issue is the infidelity, and in both cases it is equally bad.
Yeah, that's about where I fall, although I'd say the continuous deception is the real issue. A single act of infidelity I could handle much easier than the thought that my partner had been lying to me for 18 years.

I cannot relate, so I cannot answer.

Isn't it the same infidelity from two different points of view?

"Have to pay for it?" How about, instead of your partner just having cheated on you, instead you at least got to have a child to love, to rear, to nurture, and to bond with. At least the infidelity produced a child that you (presumably) have come to cherish, and that can be one bright spot in the whole ugly matter.

I don't think most men would be so quick to severe their connection with their kids. If they've been a kid's Daddy for 18 years, I doubt that finding out there's no biological connection would suddenly make them regard the child as nothing but an expense and a burden. But maybe I have a higher opinion of men than is normal...

See, no offence but that is quite frankly just irritating. Who are you to say that a man should or shouldn't feel something just because he's been given the "gift" of another man's child? What exactly is he expected to do here? "Thanks honey, I understand how difficult it must have been for you-it's completely acceptable that my child will now know that his dad isn't really his, and that his mother lied throughout a long term relationship".

Supposing you haven't come to cherish the child? Where does that leave the child? Or is that the man's fault too?

Your idealism is slightly skewed, wouldn't you say?

Yeah, that's about where I fall, although I'd say the continuous deception is the real issue. A single act of infidelity I could handle much easier than the thought that my partner had been lying to me for 18 years.
I guess, for me, it would really be about whether they KNEW the whole time (i.e. did they know "my" kid wasn't really "mine," or that they had a kid by somebody else), because then my opinion would shift...

If my partner knew that "our" kid wasn't really biologically mine, but never told me, I would be personally very hurt and angry. However, if my partner had fathered a child and never cared for it or took part in its life, I would not only be hurt and angry at the deception but would also lose pretty much all respect for my partner as a human being. See, in the first situation, at least the kid was being cared for and loved to the best of our abilities, but in the second situation I would basically be dating a dead-beat dad. And that's just plain pathetic, in my opinion.

I think they are both about the same, being lied to for 18 years sucks no matter how you slice it.

I never met my biological father though, so my only "father" experience is with someone who just loved me enough to adopt me. So, I would guess that the lie would hurt more than finding out the kid isn't yours, since after 18 years of taking care of the kid then, they are about as much yours as any kid ever will be.

Would it really matter all that much though? You raised the kid as your own...much as you would have had you adopted. Would you disown a child you raised, based on its parentage?

Nah, I wouldn't go and take a 12-lb. sledge to the kid's skull out of spite, but you were asking us to choose between the two options... the way I see it, the wife whose husband cheated 18 years ago was affected much less personally, and didn't have to bear or raise that kid.

Men: Finding out after 18 years that your child's father is not you.

Sounds like something straight out of Nip/Tuck.

Men: Finding out after 18 years that your child's father is not you.
OR
Women: Finding out that your husband had an affair 18 years ago, and has a child with another woman?

Gut reaction here, folks...

Both are equally bad were the infidelity is concerned.

The rest depends if the man *knew* of the child with the other woman.

If not: since the wife would always know of both the childs existence AND that she had sex at about the same time the child was conceived, her coverup would be slightly larger.

If he did know, while the wife was merely uncertain about the father: his coverup is bigger.

If they both knew: no difference between THEM, but the wife would be telling lies to the child.

See, no offence but that is quite frankly just irritating. Who are you to say that a man should or shouldn't feel something just because he's been given the "gift" of another man's child? What exactly is he expected to do here? "Thanks honey, I understand how difficult it must have been for you-it's completely acceptable that my child will now know that his dad isn't really his, and that his mother lied throughout a long term relationship".

Supposing you haven't come to cherish the child? Where does that leave the child? Or is that the man's fault too?

Your idealism is slightly skewed, wouldn't you say?
I'm not saying he shouldn't be pissed...of course he should. I thought that went without saying. I just think it's stupid to act like all the great aspects of fatherhood would suddenly evaporate if a guy found out his child wasn't biologically his. Men aren't that shalllow.

You could argue that he had received a very precious relationship through this deception. However, you could also argue that through no fault of his own, he had been denied finding someone with whom he wanted to have a child, and that he has had ten years of his life stolen.
But he had a child. Just because he didn't father it doesn't make it less his child.

I cannot relate, so I cannot answer.
Alright, so just imagine your partner goes het one night, and fathers a child on a woman.

ARGGH!:p

Isn't it the same infidelity from two different points of view?
Except one results in a child you raise, and one results in a child that is abandoned to another family. I'm interested, because in the tribes, there is still not much emphasis put on who fathers the children, rather on who is the mother, and who helps raise them.

See, no offence but that is quite frankly just irritating. Who are you to say that a man should or shouldn't feel something just because he's been given the "gift" of another man's child? What exactly is he expected to do here? "Thanks honey, I understand how difficult it must have been for you-it's completely acceptable that my child will now know that his dad isn't really his, and that his mother lied throughout a long term relationship".

Supposing you haven't come to cherish the child? Where does that leave the child? Or is that the man's fault too?

Your idealism is slightly skewed, wouldn't you say?
It's idealistic to say she doesn't think an 18-year old bond could be severed so quickly, based on parentage? How's that? Maybe you misread, and jumped to conclusions?
I don't think most men would be so quick to severe their connection with their kids. If they've been a kid's Daddy for 18 years, I doubt that finding out there's no biological connection would suddenly make them regard the child as nothing but an expense and a burden. But maybe I have a higher opinion of men than is normal...

Alright, so just imagine your partner goes het one night, and fathers a child on a woman.

My partners don't go het. :p

I'm not saying he shouldn't be pissed...of course he should. I thought that went without saying. I just think it's stupid to act like all the great aspects of fatherhood would suddenly evaporate if a guy found out his child wasn't biologically his. Men aren't that shalllow.

Yeah, fair enough, and I noticed your further post re the nature of the deception as well.

It needn't affect the relationship I suppose, but it isn't just how the father would feel about it, is it? What about the child? Often, adopted children are desperate to find their "birth" parents. I think this is (potentially) a lot more destructive. After all, if a man has fathered another child, it certainly won't affect the children of his current partner to the same extent-they will still know who their father is.

And what if he never bonded with the child, and simply stayed out of a sense of duty? Beleive me, it still happens. It would seem to me that he is trapped very, very effectively and has had a whole portion of his life effectively stolen from him.

My partners don't go het. :p
Once they've had Fass, they're all about ass?:D

After eighteen years raising it, you are that childs father. And that child is your son/daughter. End of story.

Hmmmm, they'd both suck. I'm getting the feeling that the man with another woman is worse, but I can't say why.

And what if he never bonded with the child, and simply stayed out of a sense of duty? Beleive me, it still happens. It would seem to me that he is trapped very, very effectively and has had a whole portion of his life effectively stolen from him.


Ack...that would be terrible, whether the kid was his or not. Of course, the one case (the child is not his), he has an easy out. In the other (the kid IS his), he doesn't. But it's still a bad situation. If a guy can't seem to bond with his kids, he's not doing ANYONE a favour by sticking around.

By the way...is your name a Belgariad reference?

Once they've had Fass, they're all about ass?:D

Oh, you've met one of them?

Men: Finding out after 18 years that your child's father is not you.


Finding out after 18 years that your child's mother... is actually the father.

But he had a child. Just because he didn't father it doesn't make it less his child.


Ooohh now. Well, maybe it shouldn't, but that isn't really for you to say, or me for that matter. It's really for both the child and the father isn't it?

Father/son/daughter relationships can be pretty fraught at the best of times. I've got two, not yet old enough to be anything other than an (almost!) constant source of joy. But you can see it coming in the post, however well you get on. Relationships between adolescents and parents can be truly woeful-at times like that, to throw into the mix that your dad isn't your biological dad could be seriously dangerous. That's why I think it is the worse infidelity-not because of the affect on the partner, but on the whole family.

Ack...that would be terrible, whether the kid was his or not. Of course, the one case (the child is not his), he has an easy out. In the other (the kid IS his), he doesn't. But it's still a bad situation. If a guy can't seem to bond with his kids, he's not doing ANYONE a favour by sticking around.

By the way...is your name a Belgariad reference?


Nah, not Belgariad. I live near the Fens in Cambridgeshire and have a sadly limited imagination.:D

Finding out after 18 years that your child's mother... is actually the father.
I'm amazed that you're the first to say this:)

Hrmmm .... tough question, but I think I'm gonna have to go with both being equally not-so-nice.

Personally, I hate kids, so #1.

Although with my disgust for this kind of thing... none of this really applies to me...

Try this one. You and your wife are swingers, and by some chance of fate she gets pregnant. Mind you, she's had her tubes tied and I've had a vasectomy - so the child is from another man - and you might not even know the father's name.

Is it a problem? Or is it something you should cover before you start?

Make sure you tell your secrets to each other BEFORE you get married.

Is it possible to get pregnant with "tied tubes?"

after 18 years they are both dealing with old news. it would be about the same to find out that your husband or wife cheated on you a LONG time ago. the child you raised is still your child no matter what the genetics. the child you didnt raise isnt your child no matter what the genetics.

If I found out the kid had a father other than me, the kid in question would soon be made an orphan.

Is it possible to get pregnant with "tied tubes?"
My mother-in-law did...at 38. What an 'oops' moment that was. Guess they weren't tied enough? Who knows. Maybe they just took her money and didn't actually do the operation.

If I found out the kid had a father other than me, the kid in question would soon be made an orphan.
Then I sincerely hope you are not sterile, or ever adopt.

And if you are suggesting you would kill your wife, and then yourself...um...okay then...*backs away*

Is it possible to get pregnant with "tied tubes?"
Method Typical Pregnancy Rate per 100 Women

Chance (no method) 85%
Sponge 28% (women who have given birth)
Spermicides 21%
Periodic abstinence 20% (including couples who broke the rules)
Withdrawal 18%
Cervical cap 18%
Diaphragm 18%
Condom 12%
IUD 3%
Pill 3%
NET 0.4%
Female sterilization 0.4% <-- tubes tied
DMPA 0.3%
Fertility Awareness Method 0.22-1.2%
Male sterilization 0.15%
Norplant (6 capsules) 0.04%
Norplant-2 0.03%

Source: A Literature Review of the Effectiveness of Natural Family Planning, Seth Goldstein, DC; cited in Mothering magazine, July/August 2003.

What an odd question. I cannot provide an answer as I cannot compare the "bad-ness" of things to seperate people.

My first instinct was to go with the first scenario, but the more I read the posts, the more I realize that this is because, in the second, I was assuming the guy didn't know he had fathered a child.

If he did know, helped raise that child, and somehow hid it from his wife for 18 years, he has excluded her from a big part of his life just to keep up his original deception. I don't know if that would be worse than a woman lying to a man about his parentage of a child, but it would at least be as bad. And if he knew and didn't help raise it, he wouldn't be the type of guy I'd want to be with.

Biology is not something to get all that worked up for, if I raised the child, it is my kid, so I wouldn't be that worried about the first. For the second, I would like to think I would be open in a marriage, and 18 years is a long time ago.

The older of my two children is not mine in biological terms... but she is in EVERY other way that matters.

Did I feel any different about the second child when he was born? No... there is NO difference. We do not base who we love on who we CHOOSE to love.

Having a by-blow from some fling 18 years ago is pretty bad, but you can try and put it in the back of your mind a pretend it never happened.

Deceiving your spouse into believing an illegitimate child is theirs is the worse of the two in my opinion because it requires that not only you lie to your significant other and child, but forces them to unknowingly participate in the lie - day in and day out. Blood is a very strong tie and to discover you have been duped for 18 years can shatter a person.

Oh, and I remember an article on livescience that statistically, 1 in 20 fathers are unknowingly parenting a child from another man.

First one, hands down.
The second one you haven't made a huge investment, emotional and otherwise, under false assumptions.

Once they've had Fass, they're all about ass?:D

Thats really bad. Have you been saving that one, or just thought of it spontaneously?

Thats really bad. Have you been saving that one, or just thought of it spontaneously?
How could you save something so wonderful? Of course it was spontaneous!

Men: Finding out after 18 years that your child's father is not you.

OR

Women: Finding out that your husband had an affair 18 years ago, and has a child with another woman?

Gut reaction here, folks...

Men
If the women have not found out in 18 years, then the man is not lying every day. Besides the man might find out when she does