NationStates Jolt Archive

Got any funny quotes? Post 'em here!


"Hubert Humphrey talks so fast that listening to him is like trying to read Playboy magazine with your wife turning the pages."

--Barry Goldwater--



"If everybody in this town connected with politics had to leave town because of chasing women and drinking, you would have no government."

--Barry Goldwater--



"A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar."

--H.L. Mencken--



"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

--Dan Quayle--



"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

--Dan Quayle--



"Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?"

--George Wallace--

Once my friend told me that he had found Jesus. I thought to myself, "WooHoo, we're rich!" It turns out he meant something different.

- Jack Handey

And technically they're funny quotations, to be a grammar freak.

My favorite Yogi Berra quote: "When you get to a fork in the road, take it!"

There's something almost Zen-like about it.

:p

More Quayle gems:

"I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future."


"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."


"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."


"This election is about who's going to be the next President of the United States!"


"My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, never surrender to what is right."


"I deserve respect for the things I did not do."


"This President is going to lead us out of this recovery."

Its a long but a good one by emo phillips

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. so i ran over and said "stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

The honourable minister is a humble man, and be God he has a lot to be humble about"

Sir W.Churchill

"Will you please begone, badly performed abortion that you are"

Me, when inebriated last week.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for
I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave
me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

You can make anything taste good if you like Garlic salt and tabasco sauce.

This one's my email signature at work:
"I will never have another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy, Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter grain embargo."
-Dan Quayle, during the Bentson debate

Just heard this one yesterday (may not be word for word) on a Bible program on the Discovery Channel....didn't catch the professor's name, though.
"The men of Jesus' time were, on average, about 5'1, 5'2. The man on the [Turin] Shroud is a whisker under 6' tall. Jesus would've been the Shaquille O'Neal of his day. There is nothing in the Bible to indicate that Jesus was a basketball star."

Its a long but a good one by emo phillips
OMG!!!!!!!!! That is so funny. Emo rocks!!!!!!!!! I have many quotes by him that are funny, but not as funny as that one!!!!!!!!!!!!



okay back on topic (sorta)
Mitch Hedberg (why is it that all the really funny comedians die?:( )
"I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."

"Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck."


"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right."

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."


"I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top."

OMG!!!!!!!!! That is so funny. Emo rocks!!!!!!!!! I have many quotes by him that are funny, but not as funny as that one!!!!!!!!!!!!



okay back on topic (sorta)
Mitch Hedberg (why is it that all the really funny comedians die?:( )
I love mitch
It was wierd how for the longest time it was impossible to find out what he actualy died of
It was rather wierd

(I have all the video's of his live and standup performances )

I love mitch
It was wierd how for the longest time it was impossible to find out what he actualy died of
It was rather wierd

(I have all the video's of his live and standup performances )
I was so excited when I first heard of him I though "finally a funny comedian again!!!!" because really there haven't been many since the mid 80's early 90's.

It's like I said all the really funny ones die, and all the really stupid ones never go away

I suppose I should be happy that Denis Leary is still around (although he is less funny lately) Carlos Mencia is kinda good sometimes too.

Edit- I forgot George Carlin (although his early stuff is just tooo funny and now he is just mildly funny)

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. - George Carlin

I was so excited when I first heard of him I though "finally a funny comedian again!!!!" because really there haven't been many since the mid 80's early 90's.

It's like I said all the really funny ones die, and all the really stupid ones never go away

I suppose I should be happy that Denis Leary is still around (although he is less funny lately) Carlos Mencia is kinda good sometimes too.
Lol I see we have a lot of the same taste
I have Denis's no cure for cancer CD :)

Lol I see we have a lot of the same taste
I have Denis's no cure for cancer CD :)
double LOL! I was listening to that today:D

I'm not sure if these are funny as they are stupid...

But nonetheless, I give you a couple of quotes from my extremely beyond stupid-bordering-on-complete-retard, though professing to be intelligent ex-boyfriend:

"'I don't know' is an answer to everything. Like, 'is that my sister you're sleeping with?' 'I don't know'."

"Everyone has to be hung over once in their life."

A Prob going down on a Hooker nothing wrong with that.
meh something like that.

"I don't care what my ministers say, as long as they do what I tell them to I don't care."

Margaret Thatcher.

Carlos Mencia on survival of the fittest
"The problem with the world is there's too many stupid people and, nobody to eat them" -Carlos Mencia

"Are you an angel? 'cause y'know, you seem really pale and, uh, y'know, dead-like." --Ken (from the webcomic 'The Japanese Beetle') trying to hit on a girl while drunk

first one that came into my head when i saw the words "funny quotes"



"I cant believe i ate the whole thing"

Homer Simpson

"Kiss me hardy!" guess who. ;p

I must say I love George Carlin, because not only his he hilarious, but what he says makes since.

"I'm not afraid that all hell will break loose. I'm afraid only a portion will and it will be harder to detect." ~ George Carlin

As for the next one, I leave you with this brilliant quote, brought to you by a friend as a direct result of too much alcohol consumption and yet it is very poignant.

"Next time you have an orgy you should have a roster, so no one gets left out. Or better yet a stenographer or a courtroom painter." ~George

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall". - Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea -- visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. - Mark Twain
My wife is a sex object -- every time I ask for sex, she objects. - Les Dawson
By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech -- every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.- Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.- Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope
A woman drove me to drink -- and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. - W.C. Fields
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W.C. Fields
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. - George Burns
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.- Unknown
Don't worry about avoiding temptation...As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Unknown
Television: A medium. So called because it's neither rare nor well done. - Ernie Kovacs
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit. - Mel Brooks
Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read. - Frank Zappa
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years. - Mark Twain
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul - George Bernard Shaw
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me - Hunter S. Thompson
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force - Dorothy Parker
At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual. - Patrick Moore
Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate - Ambrose Bierce
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there - George Burns
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often. -Emo Phillips
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one. - Woody Allen
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy. -
Steve Martin
My girlfiend said to me in bed last night, ' You're a pervert.' I said, 'That's a big word for a girl of nine'. - Emo Philips
When I'm good I'm very, very good but when I'm bad I'm even better. - Mae West
An incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months or years. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer. -Evelle Younger
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me - Emo Phillips
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing - Emo Phillips
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. - Emo Phillips
Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies. - Adrienne Gusoff
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. - Emo Philips
An acquaintance is someone we know well enough to borrow from but not enough to lend to. - Ambrose Bierce
A violin is the revenge exacted by the intestines of a dead cat - Ambrose Bierce
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy - Benjamin Franklin
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day. - Dean Martin
The difference between a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to attend all those meetings. - Arthur Lewis
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn. - Fulton Sheen
Thank God I'm an atheist. - Luis Bunuel
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. - Groucho Marx.
There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
- Oscar Wilde
Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift" ... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git”. - Alexai Sayle
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. - Steven Wright
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female. - Desmond Morris
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. - Robert X. Cringely
If you owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem. - JP Getty
A bargain is something you can't use at a price you can't resist. - Franklin Jones
I'm not a paranoid derranged millionaire. Goddamit, I'm a billionaire. - Howard Hughes
The most terrifying words in the English langauge are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help. - Ronald Reagan
I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did - Yogi Berra
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. - Groucho Marx

"A people is nature's detour to produce six or seven great men. Yes, and then to get around them."
~Friedrich Nietzsche

It might not do it for you, but that quote made me giggle a bit. There's also the one about Russians having songs, but I'm too lazy to go hunting for it.

One day I somehow lost my sidearm, I had no idea how, but they made me pay for it anyway. They said I'd have to pay for anything I lost. At least then I understood the Naval tradition of the Captain going down with the ship.

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another very expensive flying club.

Landing Signal Officer to a carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt: "You've got to land here, son; this is where the food is".

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit" - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)

The concept of "controlling" airspace with radar is just a form of FAA sarcasm directed at pilots to see if they're gullible enough to swallow it. Or to put it another way, when is the last time the FAA ever shot anyone down?

not sure if these can be considered direct quotes, but true and funny nonetheless.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? Groucho Marx

I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say there. - Mitch Hedberg

"I’m not a racist, I hate everyone equally"

"I’m a bomb technician, if you see me running, you better keep up!"

"Reality has exiled me. I am no longer bound by its laws"

"It' my 2 cents!....and NO you can't have a refund"

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life"

"Violent games don't cause violence, difficult ones do."

The fact that flamethrowers exist means someone once thought "I'd like to set them people on fire but I'm just too far away to get the job done"

"Take away our Playstation’s and we ARE a third world nation" -Ani Difranco

A black hole is where God divided by zero.

Better to be judged by twelve, than carried by six.

It's always the quiet ones that have the two dozen corpses in their basements.

Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.

To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.

Happiness is a belt fed weapon.

Helicopters have been described as nothing more than 50,000 parts flying in close formation. It is the mechanics responsibility to keep that formation as tight as possible.

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. -Arthur C. Clarke

There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum. -Arthur C. Clarke

I will write on a huge cement block "BY ACCEPTING THIS BRICK THROUGH YOUR WINDOW, YOU ACCEPT IT AS IS AND AGREE TO MY DISCLAIMER OF ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, AS WELL AS DISCLAIMERS OF ALL LIABILITY, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL OR INCIDENTAL, THAT MAY ARISE FROM THE INSTALLATION OF THIS BRICK INTO YOUR BUILDING."
And then hurl it through the window of a Sony officer... and run like hell

The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

i got kicked out of barnes and noble once for moving all the bibles into the fiction section

tetris is so unrealistic

i don't have hard drives. i just keep 30 chinese teenagers in my basement and force them to memorize numbers


some from bash.org