NationStates Jolt Archive

background: I'm a white American who has lived in greater China for the last 11 years. My wife is Hong Kong Chinese. We have been happily married for 3 and a half years. We speak Cantonese 100% of the time at home (except for two phrases: Goodnight, and I love you). We try to do what is best for us as a family, not neccesarily what our family backgrounds dictate. We are trying to get pregnant (no kids yet). We currently live in mainland China -- everybody in our town speaks Mandarin, which we are both fluent in as well.

A friend of ours, someone we trusted, commented privately to me recently that she thinks I'll make a good father, but that I'll need to be wary of my wife's "strange Hong Kong parenting ideas".

I expect occasional prejudice from people, but this took me completely by surprise. Apparently our friend thinks, based on other things she said, that whatever I come up with in parenting is going to be the right thing to do, and anything my wife comes up with will be wrong and suspect, and I'll just have to lay down the law with her, and make sure our children are raised my way.

I see this as complete and utter BS. Isn't a marriage relationship supposed to be about compromise? Aren't children supposed to get the benefit of the best of each parent (in an ideal world)? Where does this ethnic superiority thing come from? It seems like wherever we choose to live, especially once we have kids, one of us is going to be ignored and/or ridiculed.

The friend is an expat in Mainland China, and seems to be the best of a bad lot, if the expats we know in this area (only a few foreign families in our town) are any indication. Local Chinese assume my wife will do things like they are done in the mainland (Hong Kong has a completely different culture -- I was teaching her how to adapt culturally when we first moved here over a year ago. If we live in Hong Kong, any ideas I have are dismissed as "foreigner thinking" and not taken seriously. In America, people somehow get offended that we don't speak English with each other, even if it's just me explaining the meaning of a word someone is using in a conversation with us that she doesn't know. Asian Americans, on the other hand, seem to already have me stereotyped as a strange white guy with an asian fetish, just because I'm in an interracial relationship.

Of course this negativity doesn't apply to everyone, just the vast majority (at least of the people that we have come into contact with in each country). I told my wife about the comment our friend made, but I didn't dare tell her who made the comment -- all the other expats that live in or pass through our town are openly prejudiced or have other major issues, and local people assume my wife is just like them when she's not, culturally -- there just aren't that many people available for my wife to really click with her.

This issue and this comment has led to me be depressed for the last week. Isn't there anyplace in the world that can accept both of us for who we are without making blanket judgements against one or the other of us?

Don't pay any attention to your "friend", chances are you know your wife a lot better than anyone else does. If you trust your wife, then don't worry about what anyone says.

That being said, it is always a good idea to have 'parenting meetings' even before you have your first kid. Sit down with a list of "what-ifs" and see what you both think about it, it is a good way to get a feel for you and your wife's parenting style. Make sure you realize that anything will be taken on a case by case basis, you are not making any parenting decisions during these discussions, you are just trying to figure out where you stand on certain subjects.


Now, my parenting advice..... Don't worry about what other people say, it's you and your spouses job to raise the kid, everything will fall back on you, not the crazy people who annoy you. Follow your instincts, and be a team, don't put your spouse in a situation to where they feel they are 'going against you' if you can help it at all. Be supportive, parenting sucks for about the first 18 years, then they move out and it gets harder.

Good luck on the kid, I hope I helped some.

This world? I don't think so. It seems that everywhere you go, there's plenty of assumptions and prejudices. I say you have two choices: One, stand steadfast in your own beliefs and give time for people come around OR you can always try to find a different planet.;)

I grew up in Oakland!

*waves a big HI*

I know a couple where the man is white and the woman is from Japan. Her family objected to their relationship for quite a long time. I think an issue that arises for some people is the sense of culture, specially when it comes down to children. One side of the family feels that the child should be raised with their cultural traditions and vice versa. It may not be entirely an issue of superiority, though that probably is a big part of it. With the introduction of children into a multi-cultural family there is often a struggle to ensure that one culture does not get lost or left behind in the facr of the other culture. Of course, you and your wife should raise your children however you see fit.

I grew up in Oakland!

*Waves back*
One side of the family feels....
Actually, family (both sides) has been supportive, each in their own way. It's friends and acquaintances that seem to be against us, or against one of us, in one way or another.

*Waves back*

Actually, family (both sides) has been supportive, each in their own way. It's friends and acquaintances that seem to be against us, or against one of us, in one way or another.

Ah. Well screw them!

...and go to TaoTai's other planet? Tempting, I admit. But my wife has need of a social life; we can't just wall ourselves off from everyone. Who are we going to talk about our kids' struggles with? Or should we each develop our own group of prejudiced yes-men so we can run down the other whenever we talk with people?

prejudice is just that pre-judging people. once they know both of you well enough, most of those stupid ideas will be dropped or at least refined (as in "shes a good mom for a hongkonger")

our friends have all kinds of strange opinions of us that they keep to themselves. its time to let YOUR "friends" know that its not appropriate to make such remarks about your wife in front of you. once they learn to shut the fuck up youll no longer be burdened with info you dont want to know.

-snip-
Some people (most people) are pretty dense. I don't really mean that in a bad way. It just takes us a long time to adjust our opinions, worldviews, and yes, prejudice, to the evidence that is clear to be seen around us.
I was to go to the baby shower of my uncle and his Japanese wife this weekend before I broke my ankle. They are, hands down, one of the best couples I know. They're perfect for each other. My aunt was pressured to marry an Asian man when she was young (not necessarily Japanese, but he had to be Asian), and ended up with a Chinese man who was a horrible husband and father. So her parents saw the error of their ways, right? Not so. When she wanted to marry my uncle, her parents tried to forbid it (my aunt was 32). It took them years to come around to my uncle, but now they love him. They also think that Chinese men are worthless. All Chinese men. The happy part, though, is that they came around.
Asians who get to know you well enough will realize that you don't have some strange Asian fetish when they see how loving your relationship with your wife is. Raise your children right, and no one will be able to criticise you and your wife's parenting skills.
There's really not much you can do but teach by example and be patient.
Like I said, people are really dense.