NationStates Jolt Archive

I'm a working mom. My girls are 3 1/2 and 1 1/2. I'm at work from 8:00am to 4:30pm, Monday to Friday, though the blessing about my job is that it's flexible, and I don't need to bring any work home. If I need to take a day to watch the girls when they're sick, it's not a problem...it comes out of my vacation time, which I can take one day at a time or all at once if I like.

But still. My husband is gone for two weeks, sometimes three weeks out of every month. I've pretty much given up on a social life. When I get home, I swing into mom-mode...I feed the kids, do the dishes, start cleaning up, get a load of laundry going, start supper, start the kid's food cooking (usually lasts three days, four if I'm lucky), then before I know it, it's time to feed them again, blend up their food, eat standing up, sneak in a quick shower, give them a bath, put the laundry away, pack their lunches, get their clothes and my clothes ready for the next day and then get them ready for bed.

My problem is that I don't really seem to get to squeeze in any 'fun time' with them...and forget 'me time'. I feel guilty because I don't see them all day, and then I need to run around like a madwoman to get things done when I have them at home. I let them sleep long naps at the babysitter's so that they can stay up until 9:30 - 10:00pm...but I still feel guilty because I'm not interacting with them enough.

Plus I'm getting all stressed out planning for law school, and the move that is going to entail...even on the weekends I'm running around catching up. I'm starting to think my kids are raising themselves. And yet, quitting my job is not an option right now...for one, we need the money, and two, I'd go crazy being a stay-home mom.

ARGGGHHH! How do I stop from melting down?

If you can't quit your job, could you cut down your hours? Even if it was only, say, finishing an hour or two earlier every day/ some days.

Meth. (Well, someone had to say it).

I don't think I'm in any position to offer advice, really. All I could suggest would be to try to develop a routine, and to keep to it as rigidly as possible. Also, from my own experience, having kids be a bit more independent is no bad thing. I'm sure other people have better ideas, though.

Can you afford to hire a baby sitter or nanny or perhaps a maid or something? Or convince some family members to help you out?

Is there any way your husband can be around a bit more? It seems unfair that you're left alone to deal with all that stuff on your own.

If you can't quit your job, could you cut down your hours? Even if it was only, say, finishing an hour or two earlier every day/ some days.
No...the hours are inflexible. I could spread my vacation time out so that I was home a day each two weeks or something...but I'd end up running around on that day too, I suspect. Some things I can let drop...but not for long, and if I don't kind of keep up with things, it piles up.

I'm so bloody tired when I get home...

Meth. (Well, someone had to say it).

I don't think I'm in any position to offer advice, really. All I could suggest would be to try to develop a routine, and to keep to it as rigidly as possible. Also, from my own experience, having kids be a bit more independent is no bad thing. I'm sure other people have better ideas, though.
I suck at routine. I'm about as routine as I'm going to get I think. Sure, the kids play by themselves...I try to cut down on how much tv they zone out for...but if I disappeared one day...would they even notice? Am I doing them some sort of harm by not practicing the alphabet with them? Bleh. I just feel shitty right now. I need some time away, but I feel guilty because I see them so little as it is.

Can you afford to hire a baby sitter or nanny or perhaps a maid or something? Or convince some family members to help you out? I can't bring myself to hire a maid. I just can't. I've had trouble finding a babysitter, but the truth is, I feel too guilty about being away from the girls, and I haven't looked hard enough. There isn't much to do in this town anyway...I'd almost need an overnight babysitter, and I'm not really comfortable with that right now. I don't think my husband would be cool with a maid either. But he's got a few unrealistic expectations still about keeping the house clean...a few more days alone with the kids should cure him.


Is there any way your husband can be around a bit more? It seems unfair that you're left alone to deal with all that stuff on your own. No, it's not really possible unless he gets another job. I'm not sure what I prefer though...when he worked 9 - 5 it was never 9 - 5...there were always overtime hours, the occasional weekend...and he'd come home dead tired, and zone out on the couch. At least now when he's home he's HOME. Then again...he has been running around like a madman his two weeks home since he started...catching up on things too...he hasn't had the kids at home for a day in months, other than the weekends. Then again, neither have I. I don't know. I don't think changing his job would help.

Have you considered trying to find a job with flexible hours? In the voluntary/community sector. They're normally very flexible and if you get a job in a community centre with a playgroup attached then you can take your kids there and spend time with them at lunch. The only problem with the voluntary/community is reduced pay (as charities have pretty tight budgets, but you're sure to work with some really amazing people). I have pretty tight friendships from the two times I worked in the community sector.

Also, on a side note, I know it may seem odd, but have you tried doing the household chores with the kids. Your 3-year-old will probably be able to stuff clothes into the washing machine and fold up tea-towels, flannels and underwear when they've dried. So you cna use this time to talk to your kids, not just be doing mindless tasks. It's working on the Mary Poppins principle of turning chores into games.

Hope this is helpful.

Have you considered trying to find a job with flexible hours? In the voluntary/community sector. They're normally very flexible and if you get a job in a community centre with a playgroup attached then you can take your kids there and spend time with them at lunch. The only problem with the voluntary/community is reduced pay (as charities have pretty tight budgets, but you're sure to work with some really amazing people). I have pretty tight friendships from the two times I worked in the community sector. Teaching-wise...this is about as flexible as it gets. If I were in a regular classroom, I'd be marking after school, being expected to coach or run some sort of program, and most likely, in on weekends doing planning. If I'm not going be teaching, I won't be making enough for even part-time dayhome care to be affordable. Meaning, I'd make about the same amount as I'd be paying out in babysitting...hardly worth it.

Also, on a side note, I know it may seem odd, but have you tried doing the household chores with the kids. Your 3-year-old will probably be able to stuff clothes into the washing machine and fold up tea-towels, flannels and underwear when they've dried. So you cna use this time to talk to your kids, not just be doing mindless tasks. It's working on the Mary Poppins principle of turning chores into games.

And I do this as much as possible...but really, it's usually more stress than help, and then it's not help. The clothes thing is fine...getting the laundry in the drier anyway...but certainly not putting them away. And I used to let them help me sweep and mop...but the FIGHT over everything now, and even two brooms isn't good enough. They both have to be at the same spot. Grrr. They can't help me with supper...and well, like I said, I've tried it, but it ends up making me tear my hair out. Once they're a bit older it will be easier...but right now they're just babies.

Teaching-wise...
...they're just babies.Well you have my sympathies. Just a little longer and it'll be time to send your older girl off to school. I think it's supposed to get easier then.

Well you have my sympathies. Just a little longer and it'll be time to send your older girl off to school. I think it's supposed to get easier then.
I don't think it will actually (forgive me if I'm seeming overly negative...that's just how I am at the moment...usually I don't get this down). School will just replace the time she spent at the dayhome...then again, in terms of helping around the house and THAT being a source of interaction, you're right...it should. I'm just feeling like a shitty mother I guess.

don't Panic

If your mood stays like this for too much longer then it might be wise to talk to someone about it.

And you're not a shitty mother. You're doing the best humanely possible in the circumstances and that makes you an excellent mother. You obviously care deeply for your children, not every child gets that.

I myself being a child of a single mother know what it's like to be on the other side. She'd get home between 5-6 and be exhausted. We'd have already been fed by the babysitter, and her food would be waiting in the oven, but every friday she'd cook the evening meal. We haven't always have the smoothest of relationships, but she's the best Mum I could ever ask for. And I'm sure your children will thing the same up you once they've grown up.

That's always nicer when it's printed in large, friendly letters on a worn copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide:D

That's always nicer when it's printed in large, friendly letters on a worn copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide:D
http://www.rinestock.com/images/hitchhikers_guide.gif

;)

If your mood stays like this for too much longer then it might be wise to talk to someone about it.

And you're not a shitty mother. You're doing the best humanely possible in the circumstances and that makes you an excellent mother. You obviously care deeply for your children, not every child gets that.

I myself being a child of a single mother know what it's like to be on the other side. She'd get home between 5-6 and be exhausted. We'd have already been fed by the babysitter, and her food would be waiting in the oven, but every friday she'd cook the evening meal. We haven't always have the smoothest of relationships, but she's the best Mum I could ever ask for. And I'm sure your children will thing the same up you once they've grown up.*sigh* Thank you. And I don't know why I'm feeling so damn terrible lately. I hate my job, and that's part of it, but I keep telling myself that I've never had it so cushy...I should be frickin' LAUGHING that I get paid to post on NS, for lack of anything else to do...but I hate it! I don't go home rested, I go home numb. And yet I think I should be locked up for considering the kind of hectic schedule that comes with a regular teaching job...not to mention the fact that I'm really thinking about taking another degree...I'm going to be swamped with work! Am I nuts? But somehow, I think I'll actually have MORE energy than I do right now, because I'll actually be doing SOMETHING. I don't know. Then there are days I think I should stay home with the kids. But I suck at that.

I can do a pretty good job of convincing myself that my situation is as good as it's going to get and sticking with a suck ass job I don't dig.

But it's that ability to ride it out that platformed me to finish what I needed to finish, but it also slowed my roll a little bit.

My parents did a lot of juggling and weirdness as a kid...it's not going to help to say that I'm not that close to them now but that's not the reason.

Thing is your kids don't think this isn't normal or anything like that. If their excited to see you when you pick them up and tug on your shirt to show you mundiaty that they just discovered and all the things they did in daycare then they're fine. And they'll be totally juiced when their mommy gets her law degree like she wanted because literally that will be the biggest coolest thing in their world.

When thier older they'll tell their friends about how their mom raised them and did all these things and accomplished so much, how they admire her strength and will insist on those things for themselves.

It will be so much better then them talking about what thier mom wished she had done but had kids instead. (which is the story I have to tell)

Hang in there, keep your holidays simple so that you can do what your supposed to do-relax and reconect with family. Your kids think you kickass.

its always high stress when you have pre-school kids

not that the stress ever goes away but its different later on

anyway

your sanity depends on you carving out enough time in your day to take care of yourself. everyone needs time to just BE. its not doing you, your husband or your kids any good to have you all stressed out.

1) grow up and get a maid. you and your husband make good money, spread some of it around to a woman who is willing to do your housework for an hour or 2 a day. or a couple days a week or however the whole thing works. if you can get your groceries delivered or picked up by the maid. do it. if she wont do the family laundry, send it out to be done, its not that expensive.

2) pick up your kids an hour later than you do now and use that first hour to decompress. NOT AT THE BAR! go home and relax for 45 minutes or an hour. do your girly stuff like skin and nails. take a long hot shower that cant be interrupted. wax your legs. all that stuff that you can never do with small children in the house.

3) have the maid make dinner. use the time you would be using to make dinner to hang out with the kids. it doesnt need to be educational, just do the fun mom and kids stuff you are too stressed out to do now. books and magazines are full of fun stuff to do.

4) when your husband is home, maybe HE can pick up the kids. if he can spend a fatherly hour with them it will help ease your guilt. if not, he can still have a special hour a day with them while you catch up on whatever house stuff needs catching up on.

5) take a couple days off all by yourself every other month. no husband, no kids. the feeling of having no responsibilities is incredible. for 2 days you can just be YOU. if you cant justify taking days off, do it during your workweek while your husband is in town. stay at a friend or relatives house for a couple nights. it will take a huge pressure off of you and give your husband a chance for more bonding with the girls. doing this one thing, even if you do none of the others can save your sanity.

6) realize that your life doesnt have to be perfect; you dont have to do it all; if stuff doesnt get done the world doesnt come to an end. its even a good example for your kids to see that its not necessary to be perfect.

Thank you. Seriously.

I know my kids aren't sitting up at night worrying about this kind of stuff. It doesn't even cross their minds. I guess none of us want to make the mistakes our parents did...or invent new ones...so maybe I'm just getting paranoid. I'm going to try to get out this weekend and see if it helps a bit.

Glad, you're feeling better Sinuhue. With the mention of you looking to do another degree I'm reminded that I set aside this evening to work on my essays and should probably get back to them. Oh, and let us know how it goes.