NationStates Jolt Archive

It's the famous political joke; how your cows would end up under different governments. I think it'd be amusing if we applied some of our countries to it. Here are some examples;
You have two cows...

Absurdism
You have lime-green armadillos. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Communism (Pure)
You have two cows. The government takes them and gives you some of the milk.

Communism (Applied)
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them but there isn't enough milk and you all die from malnourishment.

You have two cows. Each of your twenty neighbours also has two cows. Now you all share your 42 cows. You and your neighbours keep the cows together so each person only has to watch them for one day every three weeks. This goes on for a few years, until suddenly all the cows realise they outnumber the farmers two to one. They have their own revolution and create a society in which every cow has the freedom not to be milked.

Communism (Soviet)
You have two cows. You count them and realize you have four cows. You drink more Vodka. You count the cows again, and realize you have eleventy six cows. You drink even more Vodka. After a while, you realize that eleventy isn't a real number. You count the cows again, and have two cows. You open another bottle of Vodka and try to drown the loss of eleventy four cows.

Creationism
You have two cows. They were created by God a year ago, despite the old cow carcass sitting under the dirt and a detailed genetic analysis that traces the cows' roots over 1000 years back to the earliest domesticated cows.

Dave Barryism
I have two weasels. These weasels tend to explode. (That would be a great name for a rock band.) I am not making this up.

Democracy
You have two cows. They outvote you 2 to 1 to ban all meat and dairy products.

Dictatorship
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

IM-Ism
OMGz u hav 2 cowz lolz!!1

Buddhism
You have two cows. They suffer.
You have two cows, neither of which actually exist.
You have two cows. You die and are reincarnated. As a cow.

British
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

Emo
You have two cows. Rather than stand around eating grass all day, they moo incessantly about how futile their existence is. Nobody can hear their plight, nor do they care because it all sounds the same. They steal miscellaneous clothing items and objects from neighbouring houses, claiming it is their new 'hide', a direct reflection of their inner self.

Evangelism
You have two cows. You tell your neighbor’s two cows they are going to be sold to a meat processing plant unless they come to your pasture. You have four cows.

Evolutionism
You have two cows, you leave them alone for a few thousand years, and figure that the descendants will produce more milk. When you return to try to milk the cows, they shoot you with a gun.

Okay, I'm done now >_>

Libertarianism
You have two cows. You manage them the least bit possible and they take care of themselves. But they won't give you milk because it belongs to them.

I've seen better...

Libertarianism
You have two cows. You manage them the least bit possible and they take care of themselves

But they won't give you milk because it belongs to them, damnit!

SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everybody else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. the government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM You have two cows. the government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you all the eggs and milk that regulations say you should need.

COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, then sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

COMMUNISM (reality): You share two cows with your neighbours. You and your neighbours bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

COMMUNISM (Stalinism) You have two cows. You are shot as a counter-revolutionary. The cows are put in the Gulag.
The milk? What milk? Who are you, and why are you asking about milk, Comrade?

CHINESE COMMUNISM You have two cows. You are made to take care of them, the government takes all the milk.

COMMUNISM (Leninism) You have two cows. You are shot as a counter-revolutionary. The cows are also shot as counter-revolutionary. The Proletariat gets the milk, but refuses to drink such petit bourgeois liquids.

MILITARIANISM You have two cows. the government takes both and drafts you.

DICTATORSHIP You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

TOTALITARIANISM You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

FASCISM You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage. <<< Spelling help from
Paul T Hopper


ANARCHY You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours will kill you and take your cows.

AUSTRALIAN DEMOCRACY You have two cows. The government nationalizes your herd to control the price of milk and level the playing field for consumers. Each cow has a calf and they grow into cows. The milkers union stage an industrial action (strike) to protest the increase in the number of milk cows. A new party comes to power and the economic rationalists privatize your herd to control the price of milk and level the playing field for producers. The government orders the slaughter of two cows to cut production and control the price of milk.You throw a huge beef barbie (barbecue), with XXXX (how Australians spell beer), invite the milkers union, and give a speech espousing the merits of a level playing field. You still have two cows. (Thanks to Del Dyreson for this one!)

AUSTRALIAN DEMOCRACY 2 You have two cows (and their two little calves that arrived by boat from a war torn country). The government locks them up in a prison in the middle of the desert. The Minister for Immigration gets a privately owned company to guard the cows and milk them for
$1 billion. The cows riot and the guards use tear gas on them. You help the cows break out in the middle of the night. The cows turn up at the British Embassy and ask for asylum. They are rejected out of hand and sent back overseas because they are illegal according to the government. The government then bans illegal cows from setting foot on sacrad Australian soil and pays $1 billion in aid to poor countries to get rid of the illegal cow problem. You get no milk.
(Thanks to Jon Seymour for this one! 21/07/02)

PURE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Politicians decide who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you have to sell both. Your tax is used to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was originally one of yours, a free gift from your government.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government does nothing.

LIBERTARIANISM (USA) You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

APARTHEID You have two cows. You give the black cow's milk to the white cow to drink and don't milk the white cow.

Courtesy of: http://www.radisol.com/cows/political.htm

But they won't give you milk because it belongs to them, damnit!
Added for impact :D

Bushevism: The government declares that you have WMDs and will launch them in 48 hours unless stopped. After sending in the armed forces to invade your farm and seizing the cows from you, the government changes its reason for invading your farm to You Were An Evil, Brutal Dictator and the Cows needed liberating once there is no clear evidence of you having possessed WMDs. The cows are given to a Hallliburton subsidiary in a no-bid contract.

Added for impact :D
You forgot the part where they pack up their udders and try to build a paddock in the middle of the ocean...

From my various nations:

Temuria: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you have to sell them both to the government, which in turn accuses of you discrimination against bulls and shoots you.

Dvardis: You have 600 cows. They all produce an infinite amount of milk, live forever, and will always fetch a good price on the market.

Steel and Fire: You have two cows. The government drafts all three of you.

Arethazon: No-one has ever heard of a cow.

Devlyn (Capitalist): You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, you sell it and retire on the profits.

Colxia (Compulsory Consumerist): You have two cows. The government mandates that you sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, you sell it, and the government gets the profits for giving you the idea.

Czardas: You have two cows. They may or may not exist, in fact you're not even all too sure where they are right now. But it doesn't really matter, because you're lactose intolerant. That, or you're always high or stoned. Wait, what was I talking about?

Rhonreturnsia: You have a lollipop and six carrots. One of the carrots is painted green.

Dar and Tiri: You have two cows. They both drown.

After all I've fluffled for you, I don't even make the list...

After all I've fluffled for you, I don't even make the list...
I'm talking about countries I control.

Santarina: You have two cows. The government drafts you and hires somebody to milk them and send you the milk.

Catalasia: You have two mountain goats.

Canadianism: You have two cows. Vous avez deux vaches

Canadianism: You have two cows. Vous avez deux vaches

You win the thread. Although I would have gone for the Tu form, but I'm casual like that.

Well, who cares, I'm going to keep on going (most of these are very vague and have no relation to NS):

Aristocracy: You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow — with a pedigree.

Australianism: You have two cows. On a 72,000 Acre plot... Somewhere.

Automated telephonism: You have - 2 - cows. Press 1 if this is correct. Press 2 if this is not correct. [Press]... Please hold while we connect you to one of our live operators. [Moo-zak]... We thank you for your patience. All operators are currently engaged, and we ask you to continue to hold. Your cows are important to us. [More moo-zak]...

Con-man-sim: You have two cows. You sell three of them, then move to India and deny that you ever had cows.

Censorship: You have two ####. You ########################.

Cowism: You have two cows. Period.

Logical thought-ism: You have 2 cows. That is 1 cow and 1 cow. If you put 1 cow and 1 cow together they make 11 cows. The government fines you for lying about the amount of cows you had.

Yodaism: Always two cows there are, no more, no less: a master and an apprentice.

Shakespearism: Two cows or not two cows, that is the question.

Mathematics: You have \sum_{n=0}^\infinity {1 \over 2^n} cows.

Apple/Macintoshism: You have two cows. Other farmers have four or five, but yours still produce more milk and don't just randomly fall over as often. Also, your cows look nicer. Unfortunately, though, your cows eat a different grass than that of the other farmers, and nobody wants to grow this grass. Your cows are dying from lack of sustinance.

Monty-Pythonism: You have two cows who say "Nih!".

My two nations...

Divine Imaginary Fluff: Your cows are declared holy. You laugh insanely, and the fluffiness of you and your cows give you awesome power.

Screaming Carrots: In the middle of the night, a cloud of homicidal screaming carrots suddenly appear, and pokes one of the cows to death while emmiting their terrifying screams. The other cow gets a heart attack, and one of the carrots immedietly call a veterinarian. You become a devoted worshipper of The Holy Broken Chair of Fluffiness.

MEISM I have two Cows slit there throats watch the Blood drain out while opening a Bevey and then have a BBQ.

Frontierism You see a plain after plain after plain of cows and shot them all just so you can feed 20 people.

Commonsenseism
You have two Cows they are in the back seat of the car you slap them and they shut up.

Nationstate Forumism

You have 2 cows. One blames Bush for everything wrong with humanity. The other blames Muslims. They both moo loudly and repeatedly until everyone gives up. :D

Nationstates Forumism Revised
You have 2 cows one is a Liberal and one is a Liberal they both die.WTF!

Some of these have probably already been done, but anyways


Two-Cow Explanation


A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give
one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and
gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So
what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel
guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax
your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the
tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a
cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and
provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and
sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a
campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government
taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in
a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from
your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy
a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government
takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the
milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and
force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike
because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so
they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so
they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know
where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and
learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you
have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you
don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs
to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a
partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000
cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

Some of these have probably already been

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
Mwhahahahahahahahaahahhahahahahaha

Skeelzania: You have one cow with two heads. The government drafts both of you; you spend three years chiseling grime from a radiation spiget aboard a battlecruiser, while the cow(s) is dropped in an orbital bombardment.

Skeelzania: You have one cow with two heads. The government drafts both of you; you spend three years chiseling grime from a radiation spiget aboard a battlecruiser, while the cow(s) is dropped in an orbital bombardment.

Greekcheeseism your two cows go on strike because they are unhappy about their working conditions and so Greeks make Feta.

British Democracy: You have two cows. The government then decides that the farm ownership of cows is inefficient and that 35% of cows should be supplied from the private sector. Your cows are then sold to the lowest bidding contractor. Months later the contractor decides that some cows may have to be made redundant and that all milk improvements will be two years late. The remaining cow catches BSE and dies.

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/You_have_two_cows

The link won't work until they finish upgrading their server tonight. Curses and damnation!

sorry if any of these have already been done!!

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...

sorry if any of these have already been done!!

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...
Sorry but the joke is that we prefer sheep.;)

capitalism, alberta style:
you have two cows, sell one and milk the other. you then spend the next 30 years complaining that ottowa hasn't done enough to help the beef and milk industries.

Linuxism: You have two Kows. You cloned a stranger's Kow to get them. The stranger tells you that you must let other strangers clone your cow for free. It takes more time to learn to milk a Kow as oppossed to a cow, but they produce more milk and eat less grass. When you notice your neighbour built a barn for his cows, you reverse-engineer a barn for your Kows and post the blueprints on the internet.

Aboriginalism: You have two cows. Strangers move onto the farm. You share the milk with them. They steal the farm and the cows, and move you into the pig pen. Your children are told they are greedy when they ask for the cows back.

Anarchism: You have two cows. You milk them for the benefit of the collective, which in turn provides you with other necessities, until Franco's army slaughters all of you.

Intelism: You have 1.99999997 cows.

You can't, like own a cow, man.

(On a similar line of thought, there must be a joke involving Bart Simpson's famous phrase 'don't have a cow, man', but I'll leave that to someone with a better sense of humour.)

The Bloated Goat: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. He must not deserve a cow, so you let him starve to death, then take over his farm.

Evangelism
You have two cows. You tell your neighbor’s two cows they are going to be sold to a meat processing plant unless they come to your pasture. You have four cows.
ROFLMAO! This one is my favorite! :D

Sorry but the joke is that we prefer sheep.;)
ROFLMFAO!!!! Man, you ain't right! :D

American Military Cows: You have two cows. They're wussies so you send them to basic training, outfit them with the latest military gear, give them the latest weapons, and increase taxes so you can help them foment a revolution in Cow-land. They're successful and set up their own government. Unfortunately it's based on Cowslamic fundamentalism and begins to export revoultion and terrorism to other Cow-lands. You increase taxes again to fight them. The fight lasts three generations and is inconclusive.

American Military Cows: You have two cows. They're wussies so you send them to basic training, outfit them with the latest military gear, give them the latest weapons, and increase taxes so you can help them foment a revolution in Cow-land. They're successful and set up their own government. Unfortunately it's based on Cowslamic fundamentalism and begins to export revoultion and terrorism to other Cow-lands. You increase taxes again to fight them. The fight lasts three generations and is inconclusive.
Hey! I thought this was pretty good! WTF, over???

No, American Democracy
You have two cows - one Republican and one Democrat. You also have a goat which you could milk - named Libertarian, but you don't like the taste of goat's milk or goat's cheese.

You can't really decide which cow to milk (but you never milk the goat), so you alternate from one cow to the other at random. You usually milk one cow until you think the milk tastes a bit off, and the other cow says, "well, that wouldn't happen if you milked me instead". This continues forever, as you don't have the brains to realize that the two cows are nearly identical in every way.

No, American Democracy
You have two cows - one Republican and one Democrat. You also have a goat which you could milk - named Libertarian, but you don't like the taste of goat's milk or goat's cheese.

You can't really decide which cow to milk (but you never milk the goat), so you alternate from one cow to the other at random. You usually milk one cow until you think the milk tastes a bit off, and the other cow says, "well, that wouldn't happen if you milked me instead". This continues forever, as you don't have the brains to realize that the two cows are nearly identical in every way.
:p

Hey! I thought this was pretty good! WTF, over???

It was surprisingly accurate.

It was surprisingly accurate.
:D

:D

So which group of the cows that the US is currently helping will they be going to war to milk them in 10 years time?

So which group of the cows that the US is currently helping will they be going to war to milk them in 10 years time?
Prolly too soon to say.

The Emperor Fenix You have to Cows, you milk one but then get tired of the agricultural life and construct an enormous over complex governing computer to milk both cows for you. Your life is then pointless and nothing else happens for the rest of eternity whilst you ponder your own mortality.

France You have two cows. They can't get a job producing milk, so they set fire to your car.

The Emperor Fenix You have to Cows, you milk one but then get tired of the agricultural life and construct an enormous over complex governing computer to milk both cows for you. Your life is then pointless and nothing else happens for the rest of eternity whilst you ponder your own mortality.
You seem to be obsessed with "eternity." I recommend you join a cult which will give you all the answers. :p

Cow Cults: You have two cows. They both join a pseudo-religious cult and call themselves "The Two." They become rich off the "voluntary" donations of other cows and retire early, hiring you as their butler. :)

France You have two cows. They can't get a job producing milk, so they set fire to your car.

I laughed. Very topical.

Math-ism:

You have 2 cows, a female and a male, or one plus one. After a year, you must add by 4 and have 6 cows. The parent cows die, and you must subtract two from six to get 4 cows.
One of the cows has been stealing food from the other three, and so is much heavier than the rest of them. Algebra puts the cows on a scale and realizes that the scale is off balance, and resolves that the balance needs to be equal for the equation to work. Algebra cuts the fat cow in half, and the cow dies, leaving the uneven number of three cows. Algebra has hit a paradox, and ceases to exist.
One day, after your cows have multiplied by three to get twelve, Geometry steps in and measures your cows. It finds that the avergae surface area if the cows is 1109 inches. Geometry decides to re-check the answer, using a different method, and comes up with 1109.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 inches. The cows have been proven mathematically impossible, and cease to exist. You have no cows.

Nationstate Forumism

You have 2 cows. One blames Bush for everything wrong with humanity. The other blames Muslims. They both moo loudly and repeatedly until everyone gives up. :D
You're kidding, right? Nobody gives up. Ever.

Nationstate Forumism

You have 2 cows. One blames Bush for everything wrong with humanity. The other blames Muslims. They both moo loudly and repeatedly until everyone gives up. :D

No. One blames a nearby shrub for everything, one blames the other cow for everything.

You're kidding, right? Nobody gives up. Ever.

Yeah you're right.
Exept for the French of course .... hee hee

Yeah you're right.
Exept for the French of course .... hee hee

Aren't they the ones STILL rioting?

You're kidding, right? Nobody gives up. Ever.
Oh yeah? Well, I've given up on Mods! :p

Aren't they the ones STILL rioting?
Yeah. Seems like that's the only thing they don't give up on, eh? :D

You seem to be obsessed with "eternity." I recommend you join a cult which will give you all the answers. :p

Cow Cults: You have two cows. They both join a pseudo-religious cult and call themselves "The Two." They become rich off the "voluntary" donations of other cows and retire early, hiring you as their butler. :)

Join a cult ! i would never do such a thing, thats completely the exactly not truth of what i would do entirely.

... thats completely the exactly not truth of what i would do entirely.
Huh? Make sense, dude! :p

The Emperor Fenix I have two cows, they make sense so i don't have to. Go Cows !

they make sense so i don't have to.
And have obviously chosen NOT to! :p

Algebra Cows You have two cows, A and B. If cow A can produce 6 times the milk that cow B can, and cow B is on a low-fat diet which halves his normal production of milk and the wind is blowing in from the west, then both cows must be brown.

Schrodinger Cows Until you observe both cows, the cows are both there and not there so you really don't own the cows at this moment since you are not directly observing them.

ok, someone can prob put that last one in a much better/funnier/shorter form...

Orwellian-ism: You have two cows. You take in two more cows. You now have five cows.

Rule by Scientists: You have 1.9238320594523 cows.

Animal Welfare: Two cows have one human.

Birth Control: You have two cows. The government takes one and eats it.

(Marxist) Capitalism: You have two cows. One joins the bourgoisie and works the other (who has joined the proletariat) to death. You now have one cow.

Intelism: You have 1.99999997 cows.


Rule by Scientists: You have 1.9238320594523 cows.

DAMN!

Passivocalianism: Scientists discover that cow flatulence damages the ozone layer. Environmentalists therefore round up and systematically kill off the cows, after which the beef is feasted upon during the next national holiday.

The Beef-Based Agriculture industry, however, manage to save a token representation of the cow species by petitioning the government. You now have two cows.

Pschyctoic Pschycos-ism: You have two cows. One of them insults the government. It is mercilessly executed. You, the other cow, and the rest of your family are shamed. No one buys milk from the remaining cow, and you are forced to eat it to survive, while your wife and kids run off with the man from the bait store because of your shame. You join the military and are put in charge of executing disrespectful cows.

OR: You sell one cow before it disrespects anyone, buy a bull, and follow the capitalism plan.
========================================
Mexicanism: You have two cows. Their life sucks so they hope the border to America, where odds are their life will still suck due to uber-patriotic rednecks.
======================================
Stephen Hawkings-ism: Two cows are always popping into and out of existence in the "vacumn" of space, only existing for a fraction of an instance. A pair pops up near a black hole, one on either side of the Horizon. One is sucked in, while the other floats free. Eventually, it makes its way to your farm. You do not have two cows, that is impossible. You really only have one cow. The second is a complete illusion created by the religious-sided government because the sum of pi is equal to the trajectory of two beta particles emitted by Uranium-238 combined with the gross nation product of Switzerland, so therefore you should give my research more money.

Daoism: Do you have two cows, or do the two cows have you?

Okay, it's cliched, but:

In Soviet Russia two cows have you.

No, Nationstate Forumism

You have two cows. These cows are talking about homosexual cow sex, when a number of trolls in cow suits show up and begin flaming the original cows and each other about the same old political issues, repeating themselves until everyone is hopping mad. Then a mod steps in and deats half of the trolls and one of the cows.

No, Nationstate Forumism

You have two cows. These cows are talking about homosexual cow sex, when a number of trolls in cow suits show up and begin flaming the original cows and each other about the same old political issues, repeating themselves until everyone is hopping mad. Then a mod steps in and deats half of the trolls and one of the cows.

All the while maintaining that there is no conspiracy.

Zexaland-ism: You have two cows. Ones a democrat, the other republican. You have goat whose a libertian, but you decide to give the cows' milk a shot first. You try to balance the two by filling a jug half and half with both of the cows' milk. It tastes a little off, so you experiment with different milk ratios. Eventually, you get fustrated and give up. You decide to drink the Libertian goat's milk instead. On the way, you shoot both of the cows in the stomach, causing them to slowly bleed to death. You try drinking a little of each's blood from time to time, until they bleed out and die. People mistake the goats milk you're drinking for one of the cows' from time to time.

Engrish-ism: How are you cows!! All your milk are belong to us. You have no chance to survive make your time.

The Mindsetism You have two cows. Both look like John Travolta.

Vegetarianism: You have two cows. They eat your garden.
Animal-Rights Activism: You have two cows. They milk you.
Leather Fetishism: You have two cows. You kill them and wear their skin.
Hollywoodism: You have two cows. They get udder implants.
Americanism: You have two cows. They are both overweight, and made to feel guilty about it. They deal with their guilt by eating more.

A few more:
Confucianism: Confucius say, "you have two cows."

Buddhism: If you have two cows, then give up all your worldly possessions.

Zen Buddhism:What is the sound of two cows falling in the woods?

Hinduism: I've had two cows before.
Islam: If someone takes your cows, your cows get sick, you lose your cows, you never had two cows, or are pissed off at your cows for any reason: blame Israel.

Catholicism: The pope says to give him 10% of your cows.

Episcopalian: It's not so bad if your two cows die, as long as you serve the right wine with it.

Methodist: It's not so bad if your two cows die, as long as you serve grape juice with it.

Unitarian: My cows are just as good as your cows.

Fundamentalism: If you have two cows, you will go to hell, unless you are born again.

Judaism: Why do people always take our cows?

Seventh Day Adventism: No one shall milk their cows on Saturday.

Quakers: Let us not fight over these cows.

Idolism: Let's bronze these cows.

Existentialism: You don't have two cows. These cows just ARE.

Scientology: If you have two cows, see "Dianetics", p.157.

Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< You have two cows.

Hare Krishna: You have two cows, rama rama.

Agnostic: You may have two cows; then again, maybe not.

Satanism: .swoc owt evah uoY

Nihilism: Who cares, there are no cows.

I like these:

Enron Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank. He then executes a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by your CFO who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on six more. The public buys your bull.

Third World Globalized "Democracy"
Ten years ago, your village had two cows. One cow died from dehydration after Bechtel built a hydroelectric dam upstream. The other was sold to pay your debt to the World Bank for building the dam. After you threw stones at the dam employees in protest, a death squad shot you and your family as communists.

Nihilism: You have two cows, but that doesn't matter.

Utilitarianism You have two cows, but you and your domestic partner cannot agree as to whether they have have more utility as hamburger patties or as milk producers. The cows decide that the most utility is gained by killing you to protect themselves.

Solipsism: You can never know if there are any cows.

Corrupt Governments: Cows? What cows? This department never had cows!

The UN: You have two cows. You and the cows regularly sit down and discuss barnyard issues. However, neither cow will give you milk, and you won't feed them. When chickens invade your land you debate whether or not to fight them and nothing happens.

Utopianism: You have two cows, but if you did things my way you'd have as many as you need!

Distopianism: The government owns all your cows (All your base variant: All your cows, are belong to them)

Non-Conformism: Everyone owns two cows, but in a different way.

Trancendentalism You own two cows. If you walk in the forest with them all three of you become giant eyeballs.

Romanticism: A world with cows is much better, stemming from the fact that cows are a wonderful part of the naturals world; while you are reading this the world outside is becoming more tumoltuous, filling with the dark clouds of Jove's anger, oddly enough, this sentence never seems to end.

Dark Romanticism: You have two cows, but all three of you are killed by life itself. Death and darkness hold diminion over them all.

Realism: You have one cow.

Impressionism: You have two vaguely cow shaped blobs on a feild of alternating blue and yellow.

Conversationalism: Hiya, did you know I had two cows?

Environmentalism: Cows are people too!

Sadism: You have two cows which you enjoy torturing.

Abstract Expressionism: These two lines represent your love for your cows.

Absolutism: You have two cows. Got a problem with it?

Tribalism: We must kill these outsider cows!

Propagandism: These are the best two cows on earth!

Paganism: You have two cows. You worship their dung.

Raeganism: Your cows practice trickle-down economics.

Terrorism You own two cows, they blow themselves up in the barn in response to the "great satans farmhouse".

Jack Thompsonism: A moose bit my sister, so I'm banning your cows.

Dadaism: You have turned your cow upside-down. It is art.

Skepticism: Well, you might have one cow and a miror.

Mathematicism: The cowsine of pi is 2.

Extremism: You'll do anything to get 2 cows


I tried to only do origional ones. Dunno if I succeded.

Shysterism:
You have no cows. Your neighbor has two cows. One of his cows dies. You offer to buy his dead cow for fifty bucks. You raffle off the cow for five dollars a ticket. 500 people buy tickets. The winner complains that the cow is dead, so you give him a refund.

Pornocracy: You have two cows. You give them to a sexy stranger in exchange for hot sex.

Bushism: You have two cows. The question you're not asking enough: "is these cows learning?"

Clintonism: You have two cows. You did not have sexual relations with either of them.

Puritanism: You have two cows. You cover their private parts. You marry them before they mate.

Russel Crowe-ism: You have two cows. You throw a telephone at them because they looked at you funny.

Israel Democracy: You have two cows. A palestine kills one of them. You take one of his cows and shoot the other one. You develop a victim's complex. And so on.

Palaestine Democracy: You have two cows. You kill a cow belonging to Israeli. A Israeli kills one of them and takes the other. You try to take one of his cows and fund terrorists when you fail to. And so on.

Malleyism- You have two cows-
Wait, sorry to interrupt, I have two what??
Yes, um... two cows.
Where?!
Er... uh... in that field out there...
Those aren't cows!
Yes they are! I milked them this morning so I could have my cereal.
You idiot! Those are bulls! That's not milk!
Are you kidding?
Freakin' morons...

American Military Cows: You have two cows. They're wussies so you send them to basic training, outfit them with the latest military gear, give them the latest weapons, and increase taxes so you can help them foment a revolution in Cow-land. They're successful and set up their own government. Unfortunately it's based on Cowslamic fundamentalism and begins to export revoultion and terrorism to other Cow-lands. You increase taxes again to fight them. The fight lasts three generations and is inconclusive.
ROFLMAO
You've been listening to too much 'Cows with guns.'

Cows With Guns
by Dana Lyons copyright 1996

Am G Am

[Am]Fat and docile, big and dumb
They look so stupid, they aren't much fun
[G]Cows aren't [Am]fun


They eat to grow, grow to die
Die to be et at the hamburger fry
Cows well done

Nobody thunk it, nobody knew
No one imagined the great cow guru
Cows are one

He hid in the forest, read books with great zeal
He loved Che Guevera, a revolutionary veal
Cow Tse Tongue

He spoke about justice, but nobody stirred
He felt like an outcast, alone in the herd
Cow doldrums

He mooed we must fight, escape or we'll die
Cows gathered around, cause the steaks were so high
Bad cow pun

But then he was captured, stuffed into a crate
Loaded onto a truck, where he rode to his fate
Cows are bummed

He was a scrawny calf, who looked rather woozy
No one suspected he was packing an Uzi
Cows with guns

They came with a needle to stick in his thigh
He kicked for the groin, he pissed in their eye
Cow well hung

Knocked over a tractor and ran for the door
Six gallons of gas flowed out on the floor
Run cows run!

He picked up a bullhorn and jumped up on the hay
We are free roving bovines, we run free today

We will [F] fight for bovine [C] freedom
And [E] hold our large heads [Am] high
We will [F] run free with the [C] Buffalo, or [E] die
Cows with [Am] guns

They crashed the gate in a great stampede
Tipped over a milk truck, torched all the feed
Cows have fun

Sixty police cars were piled in a heap
Covered in cow pies, covered up deep
Much cow dung

Black smoke rising, darkening the day
Twelve burning McDonalds, have it your way

We will fight for bovine freedom
And hold our large heads high
We will run free with the Buffalo, or die
Cows with guns

The President said "enough is enough

These uppity cattle, its time to get tough"
Cow dung flung

The newspapers gloated, folks sighed with relief
Tomorrow at noon, they would all be ground beef
Cows on buns

The cows were surrounded, they waited and prayed
They mooed their last moos,
they chewed their last hay
Cows out gunned

The order was given to turn cows to whoppers
Enforced by the might of ten thousand coppers
But on the horizon surrounding the shoppers

Came the deafening roar of chickens in choppers

We will fight for bovine freedom
And hold our large heads high
We will run free with the Buffalo, or die
Cows with guns


Dedicated to the Mooovement.

ROFLMFAO!!!! Man, you ain't right! :D
Heck if people are gonna make the jokes, they should get them right.

The Lone Alliance-
You have two cows, the Government takes them both, breeds them then gives the two cows back, somewhere along the way the cows got milked.
Your Neighbor gets the one Calf and another cow. Neither have milk.
You wait a week before getting the milk back, with half of it gone.

-Lone Alliance Colonies-
You have two cows, the Main government takes one to breed with their cows, your government takes the other and breeds it with another local cow, eventually you get a calf and another cow. Your other cow is given to your neighbor and their calf. Neither the cows nor the calfs have milk. You wait a month before getting the milk back, with a quarter of it gone.

-The Black Hand-
The two cows are taken and trained in the Art of terroristic Warfare, every once in awhile some Milk and a government censored postcard are sent from an unknown location.

Terrorist Cakes: You have two cows. They are given the right to vote. One publishes an anti-government newspaper. The other is sent to a rehabilitation centre after the serial killing of flies.

Disraeliland: You have two cows, and provided they mind their own business you will continue to have two cows.

Italian system, you have two cows, you don't know where they are, now you are gonna eat spaghetti.

Here's something from 1979

Socialism - You have two cows and give one to your neighbour.

Communism - You have two cows, the government takes both and gives you milk

Fascism - You have two cows, the government takes both and sells your milk

Nazism - You have two cows, the government takes both and shoots you

Bureaucracy - You have two cows, the government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away.

Capitalism - You have two cows, you sell one cow and buy a bull.

Super-power: You have two cows. One is used to power your Moo-novsky ultracompact reactor in your mobile suits. The other constantly bitches about how the UN sucks and that libertarianism roolz. Their milk gets sold on the free market.

Lesbianism: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

Hippyism: Whoa, dude, there're these, like, two cows, you know? You gotta have some of this milk.

Relativity: You have two cows. One is sent off in a rocket ship travelling close to the speed of light. It returns two years younger than the other.

Athleticism: You own two cows. They train for years and meet in the cowlimpic finals. One wins and is acclaimed worldwide, the other goes back to being milked. You eat them both eventually. The loser tastes nicer.

Binary: You have 10 cows.

Normalised 8-bit floating point: You have 01000100 cows.

Generalisation: You have some things.

Tax Evasion: You own two "cows" in the Cayman Islands. Your dummy company there "Looks after them" for large sums of money.

Computer Tech Support: You sell someone two cows. They call back a week later looking for a replacement because your stupid hardware didn't survive a fifty foot fall from a cliff, and this is somehow your fault.

Paranoia: You have two cows. You think they're watching you.
Spying: You have two robotic observation cows.

Pranking: You dress up as a cow and scare the hell out of farmers.
Backfired Pranking: You dress up as a cow to scare farmers. They shoot and eat you.
The Pranking Market: You don't own any cows. All of your meat and income comes from Prankers.

Webism: <Uber1337man: i haf 2 cows > <Fr4gm4st3r: haha ur cowz ded > <Uber1337man: fag i kill u w/ mor cows > <Fr4gm4st3r: omg u haxxor i jsut killd ur cows > <Uber1337man: tey spawn, n00b... omg u spawncampsoor!!!> etc. etc.

Animal-Rights Activism: You have two cows. They milk you.

:eek:

Dyslexia: You have two wocs.


*gets coat*

ROFLMAO
You've been listening to too much 'Cows with guns.'

Cows With Guns
by Dana Lyons copyright 1996

< insane verse snipped for ... well ... just cause! > :D

Dedicated to the Mooovement.
Yeah. I've heard that ... a long time ago! How old are you again??? :D

Lazy Fiar (I can't spell) You have two cows. They start doing what ever tehy want and you do nothing about it.

Russian You have two cows which are stolen by the maffia and forced to make AK-47s which are then sold to third world countries where they will kill stupid Americans.
:mp5:

Lazy Fiar (I can't spell) You have two cows. They start doing what ever tehy want and you do nothing about it.

Russian You have two cows which are stolen by the maffia and forced to make AK-47s which are then sold to third world countries where they will kill stupid Americans.
:mp5:
Fortunately, all the "stupid" Americans are vegging out on their sofas watching re-runs of "Survivor." :p

Nationstate Forumism

You have 2 cows. One blames Bush for everything wrong with humanity. The other blames Muslims. They both moo loudly and repeatedly until everyone gives up. :D

Bill Hicks called via a medium -- he wants you to properly attribute your sig.

No, American Democracy
You have two cows - one Republican and one Democrat. You also have a goat which you could milk - named Libertarian, but you don't like the taste of goat's milk or goat's cheese.

You can't really decide which cow to milk (but you never milk the goat), so you alternate from one cow to the other at random. You usually milk one cow until you think the milk tastes a bit off, and the other cow says, "well, that wouldn't happen if you milked me instead". This continues forever, as you don't have the brains to realize that the two cows are nearly identical in every way.

You've come too close to the truth. Watch for the black helicopters and a red dot on your forehead.

I like these:

Enron Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank. He then executes a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by your CFO who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on six more. The public buys your bull.

Third World Globalized "Democracy"
Ten years ago, your village had two cows. One cow died from dehydration after Bechtel built a hydroelectric dam upstream. The other was sold to pay your debt to the World Bank for building the dam. After you threw stones at the dam employees in protest, a death squad shot you and your family as communists.

Too close to the truth on both counts. Again, black helicopters, red dots.

Okay, okay. I've been commenting so much, I figure it's best to make up one of my own to be fair. This is gonna suuuuck, you've been warned.

Globalizationism: You have two cows. You take out a government-subsidized loan to purchase a bull. You grow your herd and provide many jobs for many years and you and your country grow to be the wealthiest of your peers (I've been reading other threads, so NOT per capita, okay?). You realize the promises you made to your employees with regard to healthcare and pensions will mean you won't be able to afford that second yacht you've dreamed of, so you look at outsourcing your cow labor to nations whose labor force will work for less than a tenth of what your country's workforce needs to live in the expectations of society you helped create. As a result, your cows are milked an ocean away -- but you lobby the government to build a milk pipeline back across the ocean at taxpayer expense to make sure the milk gets to consumers as fresh and pure as if it had been milked here.

Yeah. That wasn't funny. Sorry, General.

Bill Hicks called via a medium -- he wants you to properly attribute your sig.

Although Bill Hicks did say something similar my signature comes from one of the great lost albums of modern times.

Song - To Hell With Good Intentions
Band - McLusky
Album - McLusky Do Dallas

So ha ha Mr Smartypants :p

Okay, okay. I've been commenting so much, I figure it's best to make up one of my own to be fair. This is gonna suuuuck, you've been warned.

Globalizationism: You have two cows. You take out a government-subsidized loan to purchase a bull. You grow your herd and provide many jobs for many years and you and your country grow to be the wealthiest of your peers (I've been reading other threads, so NOT per capita, okay?). You realize the promises you made to your employees with regard to healthcare and pensions will mean you won't be able to afford that second yacht you've dreamed of, so you look at outsourcing your cow labor to nations whose labor force will work for less than a tenth of what your country's workforce needs to live in the expectations of society you helped create. As a result, your cows are milked an ocean away -- but you lobby the government to build a milk pipeline back across the ocean at taxpayer expense to make sure the milk gets to consumers as fresh and pure as if it had been milked here.

Yeah. That wasn't funny. Sorry, General.

Not Funny, but True.

Posism:You have two cows. The government takes one gives it to your neighbour and gives you a bull. Your herd grows. Each bull your cows give birth to is sent to on of your neighbours so they can breed their cattle. Most of the milk you prodice is sent to the government. You do not really care, since the cows that made the milk in your cereal contains prozac.

Santa Barbarism:

You have two cows. Wait, no you don't.

China
You have two cows. You're only aloud to have one. The government takes one cow and kills it or uses it in some clandestine expirement so they can invade Tiwan. (sp)

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a
partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000
cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

That's the other way around. The American corporation takes the 1000 cows and leaves the Brazilian corporation bankrupt.

China
You have two cows. You're only aloud to have one. The government takes one cow and kills it or uses it in some clandestine expirement so they can invade Tiwan. (sp)

Spelt TAIWAN, mate.

Here's one for the physicists:

Significant Digitsism: You have 2 cows. However, you never counted them, so they could be 1.7 cows or 2.4 cows. In fact, they could be anywhere between 1.5 cows and 2.5 cows. If X=Number of cows, then 1.5=<X<2.5

Chuck Norris-ism-- You have two cows. They round house kick you in the face.

Kung Pow-ism-- You have two cows. They shoot milk at you.

Babe-ism-- You have two cows, but they get lost behind a talking pig

Babe-ism (the return)--You have two cows. They have scantily clad women on them

Do I have to bump this? I really don't want to...

You have two cows but they are both Bulls and when you milk them you get a shock.:eek:

The Australian Govt. Under John Howard:
You have two cows. You are therefore suspected of terrorist involvement and are held on dissent charges for a period of fourteen (14) days. Your cows want to dispute the charges, but the courts find the cows have been unfairly dismissed, and under new Industrial Relations laws the cows are shipped to some remote Pacific island, never to be heard from again. Several cows try to enter the nation, but too many are already here.

Randomology:
You have two cows, who say to the returning serviceman, "Have a peanut." He thenceforth turned to the headphones and trundled off with a yonder pasture.

Bynzekistan:
You have two cows. The government thanks you for your patriotism, though it wonders why you chose to express it in this way.

Randomology:
You have two cows, who say to the returning serviceman, "Have a peanut." He thenceforth turned to the headphones and trundled off with a yonder pasture.

I don't get it...

I don't get it...
Neither do i.
Was it an Irish joke?

I don't get it...

I did. You have to look closely at the wording of the system. Then you will get it.

Neither do i.
Was it an Irish joke?

Of course it is, those crazy Irish goons.

I did. You have to look closely at the wording of the system. Then you will get it.
So its a Religeous joke?

Of course it is, those crazy Irish goons.
So its a Catholic joke.

Rich Upper Classism: There are two cows. They look down on the Middle Class and Working Class Cows. One of them is the daughter/son of the other cow, and suckles from it's mother's rich teat.
The daughter/son drinks, takes drugs, and commits random acts of crime and corruption, knowing it can fully get away with it because the mother's teat is not going to run out of getting it out of trouble. This cow grows up big and fat full of that rich milk and exploiting on the milk of the cows of the other classes, and then has it's own calf. The calf suckle's from it's mother's rich teat....

Middle Classism: There are two cows. Both wish they were Rich Upper Class Cows, and look up to Rich Upper Class Cows, they look down to the Working Class Cows whilst feeling an occasional sense of guilt at the standard economic, working, health and social welfare conditions of the Working Class Cows in the next field, although they don't want to share or live in the same field as them.

Working Class: There are two cows, both are milked for all their worth, and give their arms, legs and everything else, to scrape by. One day, one of the cow says, we'll work to redistribute the wealth the middle class and working class cows have, and share it among us all as equals. The other cow tells him to shut up, respect your betters as those you should aspire to be, and keep your head down and work.

On the Fringe: There are two cows on the fringe of a field who can't find work because of lack of qualifications or because all their possible methods of employment is out of the field they live in, or because they are in poor health. The Working Class Cows look down on them because the working Class cows like to have a sense of feeling superior to something because they are made to feel inferior by the middle class and upper class cows, The Middle Class Cows talk about the plight of those on the fringe, but nonetheless continue to enjoy their grass because it is greener, while the upper class cows don't even know they exist.

Anarcho-economics:
You have two cows. You sell them both and buy a gun. You then steal back both cows, plus another four dozen or so while you're at it. You then spend all of your time guarding your newly acquired assets againts attempts by the original owners to steal them back.

:p

Anarcho-economics:
You have two cows. You sell them both and buy a gun. You then steal back both cows, plus another four dozen or so while you're at it. You then spend all of your time guarding your newly acquired assets againts attempts by the original owners to steal them back.

:p


But arent you the original owner??