NationStates Jolt Archive

I was wondering if anyone else on NS writes poetry. I was thinking this could be turned into a poetry thread, where people can post poems and have others critique them (constructively). I'll get the ball rolling if anyone wants to see my work...:confused:

I've got one... but it is in German:

Ich umarme leere Luft
Ich dreh mich und schaue
Der Raum ist leer und schweigt
Und niemand der mich ruft

Licht und Dunkel, Tag und Nacht
Ich warte, hoffe, zweifle, sehne
Das unaussprechliche zu sagen
Ich fürchte seine Macht

Die Macht, mich zu zerbrechen,
Mein Leben, Wesen, Sein
Mir alles das zu nehmen,
Ich fuerchte meine Schwächen

In Memory of a Girl I Never Knew

A scream is heard
Annihilating the perfect silence.
Shouts of rage follow swiftly.
Anger at an interrupted dinner.
The sound of metal tearing into skin
Draws a morbid crowd.
Fascinated by the ghoulish spectacle
Played out before them.
A fresh change from the fakery of stage.

The picture of death
Painted in a girl's rich, warm blood
Staining the pavement.
Thirty times and more
Skin and spirit are broken
By the blade's relentless onslaught.

Onlookers stand, transfixed
By this macabre spectator sport.
The light fades from Kitty's once bright eyes.
Soon death claims her.

The crowd disperses, the show is ended.
The ennui of existence
Broken only momentarily for the viewers.
Savagely severed for this young girl.
Apathy reigns.
Her life is forfeit for an evening's entertainment.



In memory of Kitty Genovese, a girl I never knew, whose tragic and brutal stabbing death was watched by many. None lifted a finger to her aid.

this is one of my favourites...I have many that are more personal, but I want to wait and see how this idea turns out before i go posting them...
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Edit: Cabra, i only know a little German, but from the little I understood, that is really good. I like some of the plays on words, and the opposition of light and dark, day and night. I also like the end bit, I think its about fearing weakness?

PPS: I have a differently themed piece, that makes a similar play on opposites of white and black...wanna see?:D

I sit and wait, I wonder and I dream
Of a time when you and I can be together.
I know not when, I know not how but always I’ll be there
Waiting, hoping, dreaming only of you.
I sit and wait, I hope and then I dream
Of a time when you and I can be together.
Every time I close my eyes I see you there and wonder
What the future may hold for you and I ... for us?
I sit and wait, thinking and hoping
For a single moment when you and I can be together.
I know not what is written in the stars
But I can hope and I can dream.
Of that single moment when we are finally together
I sit and wait, I wonder and I dream
With you in my heart always and forever.

I wrote this to the first girl I ever dated as it was all falling apart.

hey, thanks for posting. This was really interesting. I think it would make a good song, however, if you are looking at revising it, it does seem somewhat discordant or perhaps disjointed would be a better word. You need to change a few words to ensure a more even flow. However, the emotion in this piece is really heartfelt and the simplicity of the language really helps this.

I know not what is written in the stars
But I can hope and I can dream. my favourite lines...

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Edit: Cabra, i only know a little German, but from the little I understood, that is really good. I like some of the plays on words, and the opposition of light and dark, day and night. I also like the end bit, I think its about fearing weakness?

PPS: I have a differently themed piece, that makes a similar play on opposites of white and black...wanna see?:D

It is yes. Let's see it :)

I wrote it what seems like forever ago. I know it doesn't flow in a few places. But I haven't had the heart to revise it since I sent it to her so long ago. I'm a little older now and going through pretty much the same thing as I was then but with a different girl. I think its time for a revision to help crystalize my vision. I'll work on it and repost thanks for providing the forum for me to do this.

Well, I just found another one... a little different from the first one ;)

Sanfte Finger teilen die samitgen Falten
Dringen tief in die feuchte Wärme
Mein Atem - so kurz angehalten

Die Berührung dringt sacht tief und weiter tiefer
ein – härter und fordernder jetzt
Suchend - viel aggressiver

Ich winde mich, sehne mich, spanne mich an
Nichts zählt als der Gedanke daran
Ich will es und brauche es so

Ein drängendes Stöhnen, der Punkt ist erreicht
Die Berührung loest alle Spannung auf
Und als Welle um Welle ueber mich streicht
Bricht meine Erlösung als Aufschrei herraus…

You asked for it Cabra...

Absolutes

White - the result of reflected light.

I was
a perfection so absolute.
So untarnished, so pure.
I needed nothing but myself.
So I threw it away.
Reflected the light of the world.
A filthy waste product.
Nothing could contaminate me.

until you.

Black - the result of light's absolute absorption.

You absorbed everything you touched.
You became saturated with light.
Stealing every scrap I reflected.
Drawing it to yourself...
Eventually, you fed off me.
Assimilating me into your essence.
While I continued to reflect the light.
And you continued to absorb it.

until there was nothing left to absorb.

Symbiosis - the interdependence of two or more things.

Without you,
I would have drowned in my own excrement.
Without me,
you would have starved.

We were so beautiful in our harmony.
And we destroyed it along with ourselves.

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Let me know what you think...like I said, different theme but same play on opposites (kinda - like I said, I only know a little German :D )

And Islandawuan you are most welcome.

I like it. I very much appreciate the idea behind it, the balance and destruction involved and the idea of opposing two principles... great work.

thanks :D

I like the second piece too (I have a feeling its about *ahem* pleasures of the flesh?)

This love

This love makes me hurt
makes me cry
deep down inside
this love makes me hate
anticipate
suicide
this love makes me scared
makes me run
deep down inside
this love takes me away
to a place
I like to hide


before anyone gets really worried I wrote this when I was 14 (almost 10 years ago) and I am no longer in that situation.

thanks :D

I like the second piece too (I have a feeling its about *ahem* pleasures of the flesh?)

That's one way to put it ;) Solitary pleasures, that is

Oh that is really powerful Smunkeeville. Do you have any others that are perhaps more recent? I really really liked that. The emotion just jumped off the page and reached into my soul and just ripped and tore. the wording is beautiful. I'm a big fan of simplicity in poetry when it comes to the language...even though I don't often embody it myself.

That's one way to put it ;) Solitary pleasures, that is


I'm even more intrigued now ;) . I can't do the pleasure stuff (poetry-wise):( ...so i have to get my cheap (but beautifully worded) thrills elsewhere.

Oh that is really powerful Smunkeeville. Do you have any others that are perhaps more recent? I really really liked that. The emotion just jumped off the page and reached into my soul and just ripped and tore. the wording is beautiful. I'm a big fan of simplicity in poetry when it comes to the language...even though I don't often embody it myself.
acutally I have one from a few weeks later when I kicked him to the curb and was having second thoughts. I haven't written anything recently because I can only write when I am emotionally conflicted and I have felt pretty safe and happy since my hubby and I got together. I should write him a love poem, boys like that right? :D


Getting over

Summer afternoon
I feel the sun warming my face
and I think about the time
that you told me
you don't love me anymore
and I
start to cry

Autumn afternoon
sitting in my little car
waiting for
the train to pass
and my thoughts drift
and I think about you
and I wonder
where you are

The winter cold reminds me
that you and I
weren't meant to be
I remember why now
guess I should be happy

It's hard, when you wake up ( ;o) )
And try to don your make up
Then remember you’re a bloke
And it really is no joke
With mascara on your eyes
When your drinking with the guys

Smunkeeville thats so amazing...you should definitely write him a love poem...he'd fall head over heels again and again and again with your command of language. I'm impressed, especially if you wrote this stuff at 14!

Smunkeeville thats so amazing...you should definitely write him a love poem...he'd fall head over heels again and again and again with your command of language. I'm impressed, especially if you wrote this stuff at 14!
yeah, I am surprised reading them now too. I wish I still had it (I think I killed off too many brain cells in my youth)

I am writing him a love poem now, but it is far to graphic and mushy to post :p


Thanks for the compliments :)

I think my love poems (or rather, poems of heartbreak over lost loves) are too cringeworthy to duplicate here, so I'll just post this bizarre thing I wrote when I was 17:

[My original commentary: Written after a period of gazing out of the window, in which a light flickered on in a room across the road, before a girl pulled down the blind. Shadow Of Power is the name of a picture I drew of an industrial landscape, now hanging on my bedroom wall.

My new commentary: ignore all linebreaks and it'll make more sense (or at least won't sound like it's full of contradictions).]

As I look out
the window, a room across the road
lit up, before
the blind is closed, before
blind I could see
a girl, four
rectangles, one
ringed with black and white, framed, now
lit the picture is dark, unlit
the dark is not a picture, the power
flowing makes the impossible the unknowable
Shadow Of Power
the other three, rectangles like
a triangle, a circle like
a square, impossible
a face perhaps, one day
I will be there, I will
look back, see
Shadow Of Power
hanging, known, possible, impossible
I will never be there, why
the light is gone, a boy
walks by, past a brief
thought, destroyed
Shadow Of Power

I can't remember who said it -- I'm thinking Dennis Miller -- but he said that...

"Divorce is the leading cause of bad teenage poetry."

I can't remember who said it -- I'm thinking Dennis Miller -- but he said that...

"Divorce is the leading cause of bad teenage poetry."
whoever said it, it is very true. ;)

*sitting on toilet*

i sit here broken hearted,
i came to sh!t,
but only just farted.

bad teenage poetry rocks !!
takes me back many years ...
humiliating teachers having to read stuff like this out in english class while i chortled merrily .... annoying little sh1t that i was


charles bronson

i’m on a kill
i won’t crack
set the fire and watch me burn
these are my streets
this is my war
f#ck with me and i’ll f#ck you back
you’ll die alone
i’ll watch you beg
I’ll show you what it means to hurt

thinking about people i hate that are dead

i flinch
an empty head gets bored again
your bruises name me
a list of feelings on my skin
i teach myself to think
a world of hate inside my mouth
archaic threats and little deaths
I’ve learned something today
sometimes people deserve to die

i'm new here ... what's the rude language policy ???

Sortof. I've been toying with lyric writing.

Here's a work in progress...

End of Days

The end of days
And birth of ways
A better dawn to never have
The final time to say goodbye

A broken sky and cracked earth
A mirrored fate and a stillbirth
A better day to never rise
The wrong frame for your disguise

Run away, run away, run away...

Somewhere I’ve lost what was
What ever will and might have been
What is to say and never can be
All thoughts aside it’s too late now

Run away, run away, run away...

Where is god now?
Where is god now?

I’ll be your knight in blackened armour
I’ll keep your sword by my side
I’ll be your soldier in the night
I’ll be your mighty fist of steel

I’ll put a crack in the fountain of love
And drench the world with your tainted name
I’ll run for the trees as the rain starts to fall
I’ll build from plunder your sacred halls

And when all is said and done
Wonder why it all went wrong
When all is said and done
We’ll sing our solemn songs

Run away, run away, run away...

Where is god now?
Where is what now?
Where is god now?
Where is what now?

Open up your eyes
Open up your mind
Open up your eyes
Open up your mind

That's more like the lyrics for a song, isn't it? But it's brilliant...

I sit and wait I wonder and I Dream,
of a time when you and I will be together.
I know not how and I know not when but always I'll be there
waiting, hoping, dreaming only of you.
I sit and wait I hope and then I dream,
of a time when you and I shall be together.
Every time I close my eyes I see your smile
and every time I smile back and dream.
I sit and wait thinking and hoping,
for that single perfect moment.
I know not what is written in the stars
but I can hope and I can dream
of that single perfect moment that I know is meant to be.
I sit and wait I wonder and I dream
with you in my heart
always and forever.

Some revisions better, worse...?

Wow, I never knew there were so many talented writers on NS!

Kanabia, I really loved that piece. It was beautiful and haunting and so tangible...

Islandalwuan, that is better...the flow seems more logical...it just feels different to the first one, more structured and less erratic - more controlled.

It's less erratic because my emotions are a lot less eratic as I revised it. I was under a lot of emotional stress when I first wrote and now I'm little more mature and a lot less emotional.

I've seen it from the London Eye, standing tall and proud
I heard it in a lullaby, whispering like a cloud
I smelt it's scent, 'twas heaven sent
I licked it's lovely flavour
I love myself, I really do
I'm something you can savour

I've seen it from the London Eye, standing tall and proud
I heard it in a lullaby, whispering like a cloud
I smelt it's scent, 'twas heaven sent
I licked it's lovely flavour
I love myself, I really do
I'm something you can savour

I don't know why, but I really LOVE this one... :)

Here's something I wrote as a song a few years ago,

I saw her standing there
Words beyond compare
Feels like I was never there

It was just the other day
Could be many years away
Feels like I was never there

I wrote a simple song
Endless days are gone
Feels like it's been far too long

It was just the other day
Or so my dreams hope to say
I knew that day would never stay

So proud
So formless and empty
So proud
So formless and empty

Remember all my days
Mistakes lost in the haze
On his knees the sinner prays

Forgive me for my lies
The inner child cries
Won't you help me dry my eyes

Life handled to extremes
Crushed and broken dreams
Where lies become truths or so it seems

Pushed against the wall
The coward standing tall
Hineni I go and hineni I fall

So proud
So formless and empty
So proud
Of all I've done, and who I may be.

A russet coloured set
Tainted with regret
A shared beauty stand I'll never forget

Love has fled and gone
How could I be so wrong
Beneath my feet a broken song


***hineni is a phonetic rendering of a hebrew word which means 'here I am/I am ready to serve/what is wanted of me'

That's more like the lyrics for a song, isn't it? But it's brilliant...

Thanks :) Yeah, like I said, i've been toying with lyric writing, rather than poetry. Close enough, so I thought i'd post it anyway.

Kanabia, I really loved that piece. It was beautiful and haunting and so tangible...

:)

I write poetry, but to my family back-home when I bored. And its generally personal, embarassing kid stuff that I don't want anyone to know about. So I'm not going to post it.

This thread made me remember I like poetry, I just hate the forced interpretation of it, like they do in literature class, when its required. Its not like I opted to take it.

Anyhow, good work y'all, liking the poems!

I don't know why, but I really LOVE this one... :)
Thankyou Cabra. Could it be that it doesn’t make sense? Like it looks at something and suggests what it might smell or taste like? I note your location is Ireland which is no stranger to thought provoking poetry and music. Top of the morning to you, in fact I shall create a piece for you today.

Thankyou Cabra. Could it be that it doesn’t make sense? Like it looks at something and suggests what it might smell or taste like? I note your location is Ireland which is no stranger to thought provoking poetry and music. Top of the morning to you, in fact I shall create a piece for you today.

*lol

Thank you. You know, the funny thing about "top of the morning" is that only Americans seem to use the phrase. I've never heard it here ;)
I'm originally from Germany, though, which explains the language of the two poems I posted.

Poetry doesn't have to make sense. In fact, it only comes alive when the reader projects their own imagination and ideas into the words. So you might say that your poem is more challenging than most so far, as it demands more of an imagination and gives less solid images to go with, after all you could be talking about just anything there. But that's really what I appreciate most about it. It leaves room for thought.

*lol

Thank you. You know, the funny thing about "top of the morning" is that only Americans seem to use the phrase. I've never heard it here ;)
I'm originally from Germany, though, which explains the language of the two poems I posted.

Poetry doesn't have to make sense. In fact, it only comes alive when the reader projects their own imagination and ideas into the words. So you might say that your poem is more challenging than most so far, as it demands more of an imagination and gives less solid images to go with, after all you could be talking about just anything there. But that's really what I appreciate most about it. It leaves room for thought.

In that case this may do nothing for you........


Why should I write for you
with thoughts of Dublin on my tongue
and in my mind a meadow of grass
the colour of which you cannot count
and then, the offices on Lower Mount ?
The Blarney stone lies standing
in some far flung corner of Eire
lying still with unrest, this Ireland's been blessed
not just with all that beauty, but more with Cabra West.

In that case this may do nothing for you........


Why should I write for you
with thoughts of Dublin on my tongue
and in my mind a meadow of grass
the colour of which you cannot count
and then, the offices on Lower Mount ?
The Blarney stone lies standing
in some far flung corner of Eire
lying still with unrest, this Ireland's been blessed
not just with all that beauty, but more with Cabra West.


:D :D :D

It does. Thank you very much. That's a lovely poem, to be sure :)

Well, I just found another one... a little different from the first one ;)

Sanfte Finger teilen die samitgen Falten
Dringen tief in die feuchte Wärme
Mein Atem - so kurz angehalten

Die Berührung dringt sacht tief und weiter tiefer
ein – härter und fordernder jetzt
Suchend - viel aggressiver

Ich winde mich, sehne mich, spanne mich an
Nichts zählt als der Gedanke daran
Ich will es und brauche es so

Ein drängendes Stöhnen, der Punkt ist erreicht
Die Berührung loest alle Spannung auf
Und als Welle um Welle ueber mich streicht
Bricht meine Erlösung als Aufschrei herraus…

I tried to translate this one with the German my mother taught me in phrases. It didn’t work so I did it the hard way (so to speak). So good and so………….probing.;)

Despite my personal inner terror of showing this to you guys:

Shadows crept around the night
Whispering of secrets in silver
As wings broke through the wind

Beneath the moon they gathered
Emerging from a veil of darkness
As claws ripped through the ground

Immortals bound together
Defying their ancient memories
As flesh burned in the rain

An angel and demon cried
Their passion sealing their doom
As came the birth of man

Oh wow, I didn't think this would be very popular. I'm impresssed. Im actually putting the finishing touches on my teaching portfolio for prac atm, but I will be back tomorrow to really read the pieces.

GNM: I really like the epic feel to this piece - the twist at the end was just amazing. And it was so full of imagery - i like poems that illustrate themselves.

DV - i liked the last piece best. It has a sophistication and an elegance that belies its simplicity. Very nice.

EC: Wow, that is a really great piece. I wish I had the ability to write songs. Whenever I read stuff like that, it puts me off trying for fear of embarrassing myself.

Heres one to leave you all with from me:

Nude

standing on a street corner,
like the whore you are
fucked by so many eyes
violated by stares
that strip you naked...
leaving you
the way you left me...

vulnerable.
____________________________________________

Its very short...but its late at night and i can't be bothered posting long ones.

Oh wow, I didn't think this would be very popular. I'm impresssed. Im actually putting the finishing touches on my teaching portfolio for prac atm, but I will be back tomorrow to really read the pieces.

GNM: I really like the epic feel to this piece - the twist at the end was just amazing. And it was so full of imagery - i like poems that illustrate themselves.

DV - i liked the last piece best. It has a sophistication and an elegance that belies its simplicity. Very nice.

EC: Wow, that is a really great piece. I wish I had the ability to write songs. Whenever I read stuff like that, it puts me off trying for fear of embarrassing myself.

Heres one to leave you all with from me:

Nude

standing on a street corner,
like the whore you are
fucked by so many eyes
violated by stares
that strip you naked...
leaving you
the way you left me...

vulnerable.
____________________________________________

Its very short...but its late at night and i can't be bothered posting long ones.

That's ok, you slope off to bed
with all this stuff unread
hanging like flesh in the abattoir
the words spilling like blood onto the shiny floor
what do you care for the suffering that goes into the end product?
Will you feel drained as we do now when you awake from your cosy sleep
or content, refreshed and ready, for your meat?