NationStates Jolt Archive

Despite the fact that Carn and Sierra will suggest that I am soliciting for the purpose of getting dates, this is not my intention:)

That being said, I pose to you the following scenario:

A married couple has an 'open' relationship. Sleeping with someone outside the marriage is not considered cheating, as all such interactions are openly admitted to, and consented to by both partners.

Now, would you be able to live with being the 'extra' in this scenario...either having a fling with the husband, or the wife (not both, not in this scenario:))...or would you feel that you were aiding and abetting infidelity? Would you be able to accept that this relationship (with one of the spouses) would not go further than sex? Would you feel used, or relieved at having no strings attached?

I'm interested to know if women would respond to this question differently than men, so please tell us your gender:)

No...I'm not interviewing applicants just yet...just interested how 'normal' people view this unconventional arrangement between spouses.

Sure, I'll do anything twice.

Sure, I'll do anything twice.
Become a commie again then!

Become a commie again then!
Keep dreaming. ;)

Keep dreaming. ;)

Once, twice, three times a commie

no

im not interested in being second best and i dont know why anyone would want to be.

Despite the fact that Carn and Sierra will suggest that I am soliciting for the purpose of getting dates, this is not my intention:)

That being said, I pose to you the following scenario:

A married couple has an 'open' relationship. Sleeping with someone outside the marriage is not considered cheating, as all such interactions are openly admitted to, and consented to by both partners.

Now, would you be able to live with being the 'extra' in this scenario...either having a fling with the husband, or the wife (not both, not in this scenario:))...or would you feel that you were aiding and abetting infidelity? Would you be able to accept that this relationship (with one of the spouses) would not go further than sex? Would you feel used, or relieved at having no strings attached?

I'm interested to know if women would respond to this question differently than men, so please tell us your gender:)

No...I'm not interviewing applicants just yet...just interested how 'normal' people view this unconventional arrangement between spouses.

I wouldn't like it. I go nuclear when another guy touches my girlfriend, I'm not sure what would happen if I caught someone raping her. Oh, the rifle, shovel, and bag of dirt treatment.

I'd only do that if I were getting paid money or if there was the possibility to blackmail somebody and get paid money. Or if there was a bet that I wouldn't do it, and I could win money. Or if I could sell videos for money.
Hell, I'll do just about anything for money, and sex is relatively easy as far as labor goes. Unless you get certain kinds of partner, of course.

I do not have the desire to be some fetish for a tired husband.

I wouldn't like it. I go nuclear when another guy touches my girlfriend, I'm not sure what would happen if I caught someone raping her. Oh, the rifle, shovel, and bag of dirt treatment.
One: you'd be the extra...not the person in the 'open relationship'....

Two: rape? I think we're talking about two different things here. STAY FOCUSED!

I do not have the desire to be some fetish for a tired husband.
Hahahahaa...no, I'm not even talking about the 'husband watching from the closet' scenario:)

Two: rape? I think we're talking about two different things here. STAY FOCUSSED!
I can understand where he is coming from, though. Everytime someone says anything to me I automatically think about rape.
"Would you like a bagel for breakfast" becomes "Would you like a bagel to rape", and such.

That sounded alot funnier in my head.

no

im not interested in being second best and i dont know why anyone would want to be.

Yup. No playing communism with your wife here.

Depends on the person.

One: you'd be the extra...not the person in the 'open relationship'....

Two: rape? I think we're talking about two different things here. STAY FOCUSED!

If we were married she wouldn't be sleeping with any other guy. I'm just too good! :D

Hahahahaa...no, I'm not even talking about the 'husband watching from the closet' scenario:)

To tell the truth, I was the third wheel once. I didn't know about it though, which was pretty shitty. As soon as I found out he had a husband, I broke it off, despite the husband being OK with him sleeping around. I wasn't. Call me old-fashioned, but I'm just not comfortable with it. Not to mention that he lied by omission to me. Jerk.

If we were married she wouldn't be sleeping with any other guy. I'm just too good! :D
*refrains from commenting, and pointing out that even the best lover in the world can't give you the thrill of having a secure, open and honest enough relationship to allow for flings outside of the relationship...*

To tell the truth, I was the third wheel once. I didn't know about it though, which was pretty shitty. As soon as I found out he had a husband, I broke it off, depite the husband being OK with him sleeping around. I wasn't. Call me old-fashioned, but I'm just not comfortable with it. Not to mention that he lied by omission to me. Jerk.
Yes, I think in such a case, the person who is in the open relationship needs to be just as honest with their intended fling as they are with their spouse. Meaning, you make it clear that this is no strings attached sex, with no possibility of a lasting relationship, and you are not going to leave your wife/husband. If the person is not comfortable with the truth, at least they are able to make an informed opinion. I've met couples in open relationships who felt that honesty between them was vital, but didn't seem to think it mattered to the 'flings'. I find that to be utterly disrespectful...and kind of creepy. Almost abusive.

if i understand that this wouldn't be a stable relationship and couldn't be long-term, then sure i'd be ok with it. perhaps upset that our relationship couldn't advance, but as long as i knew the score i wouldn't feel 'used', and i wouldn't feel 'relieved' either (like i just said)

if i didn't know the score and only found out the whole situation after the fling then i'd probably feel used and just a little annoyed.

Yes, I think in such a case, the person who is in the open relationship needs to be just as honest with their intended fling as they are with their spouse. Meaning, you make it clear that this is no strings attached sex, with no possibility of a lasting relationship, and you are not going to leave your wife/husband. If the person is not comfortable with the truth, at least they are able to make an informed opinion. I've met couples in open relationships who felt that honesty between them was vital, but didn't seem to think it mattered to the 'flings'. I find that to be utterly disrespectful...and kind of creepy. Almost abusive.

I didn't feel violated or anything, just betrayed. And I was falling for him, which made it even worse, because I would never have allowed myself to lose control had I known that little detail. I felt so stupid.

Depends on how much fun I would have.

-snip-

Off topic, but PM could you edit your location box and make the "yaaaaaaaay" shorter? It's messing up the formatting of the page in Firefox. Thanks.

I didn't feel violated or anything, just betrayed. And I was falling for him, which made it even worse, because I would never have allowed myself to lose control had I known that little detail. I felt so stupid.
Alright...I think it's agreed upon that honesty is key...even if you don't plan to get into a lasting relationship with your fling, you shouldn't just use them and toss them aside...honesty being the best policy, and all that. No, seriously.

Off topic, but PM could you edit your location box and make the "yaaaaaaaay" shorter? It's messing up the formatting of the page in Firefox. Thanks.
done :D

Alright...I think it's agreed upon that honesty is key...even if you don't plan to get into a lasting relationship with your fling, you shouldn't just use them and toss them aside...honesty being the best policy, and all that. No, seriously.

Even with honesty, I don't think I could handle it. It creeps me out a bit. I'm not the poster boy for monogamy at all, but I guess I'm a sappy romantic in the sense that I would like my marriage to be exclusive, as that feels like it's the whole point of a marriage, to me. Probably why I'll never get married, but still! ;)

done :D

Tack så hemskt mycket! You're a doll.:)

(Swedish for "Thank you so awfully much!")

done :D
Nice!

If I knew 100% that this was just sex and that is what I wanted from the person, I more then likely would. I would require proof that what I was being told was the truth and that they both were ok with it.

Would I be in an open relationship. Been there done that and most of the time not a good thing. In a closed relationship and very happy to be with one person only.

Regards,

Jmayo

If I knew 100% that this was just sex and that is what I wanted from the person, I more then likely would. I would require proof that what I was being told was the truth and that they both were ok with it.


Like you'd want a letter from the husband?:D

Some really, really hot chick walks up to you and says, "I really want to have sex with you, right now, but only if you accept the condition that we will never see one another again after..."

and you're going to wait for the paperwork to go through?:eek:

So what would stop the rest of you? Or encourage you to do it?

Like you'd want a letter from the husband?:D

Some really, really hot chick walks up to you and says, "I really want to have sex with you, right now, but only if you accept the condition that we will never see one another again after..."

and you're going to wait for the paperwork to go through?:eek:
One must always do the paperwork.
In most states you should probably also get a breathilizer, because if her Blood Alcohol is above a certain level she can send you away for rape.
You should always have a lawyer right up a contract for the terms that a one night stand is based on.

One must always do the paperwork.
In most states you should probably also get a breathilizer, because if her Blood Alcohol is above a certain level she can send you away for rape.
I've been raped more times than I can count then!

Being the extra would be a very hard thing for me. I find it somewhat difficult to separate sex from love, or at least, have sex with someone I don't care about. Because of that, allowing myself to become sexually involved with someone who I cannot share the rest of meaningful relationship with would be foolish for people like myself.

Some people can deal with it, I however, could never share someone I would love in that way with another.

I've been raped more times than I can count then!
Well, that is the law in NY, I don't know about what kind of crazy place you live in. I suggest that you see a lawyer about blackmail, because there is no time like the present to become filthy rich through your feminine wiles and other peoples stupidity.

This is purely hypothetical, but I think if both people in hte 'fling' were in an open relationship that would take away alot of the pressure and danger. Everyone is sort of on an equal footing. Mind you, there's not too many of those types of relationships around, and most of the hot people you run into won't be in one.

I wouldn't do it myself. I'm not interested in NSA sex period.

I would not ever be in an 'open' relationship

but if the situation is hypothetical I suppose I will answer, I would be very uncomfortable with the entire situation. I don't understand why someone would feel the need to be in an 'open' relationship but if in some strange alternate demension I was the 'extra' I think I would always feel out of place, unloved and unwanted for anything but sexual gratification (not a great place to be in):(

I would not ever be in an 'open' relationship

but if the situation is hypothetical I suppose I will answer, I would be very uncomfortable with the entire situation. I don't understand why someone would feel the need to be in an 'open' relationship but if in some strange alternate demension I was the 'extra' I think I would always feel out of place, unloved and unwanted for anything but sexual gratification (not a great place to be in):(
and you would know that if by some chance you developed an attachment to this man you would have zero chance of it becoming permanent. the most sordid one-night-stand with a stranger has at least some chance of working out (as long as he's not married and didnt tell you)

no

im not interested in being second best and i dont know why anyone would want to be.
Ok, "legs." Whatever you say! :D

gotta love a good camera angle!

and you would know that if by some chance you developed an attachment to this man you would have zero chance of it becoming permanent. the most sordid one-night-stand with a stranger has at least some chance of working out (as long as he's not married and didnt tell you)
yeah, it is a risky game. I am lucky that in the real world I made sure that the relationship was going to go where I wanted it to before I brought sex into it. Things get messy when sex is brought in to a relationship under the wrong circumstances. (sorry for the wording, but I guess either way it's true)

I am lucky to be in a fully commited marriage and don't have to worry about any of this "open relationship" stuff, but I thought it might be a good exercise for me to "think outside of my experience" to see how I would feel in that situation.

gotta love a good camera angle!
:D

In my experience (before I settled down), finding men who wanted nothing more than a fling, was not difficult. And frankly, the bars and clubs are full of such men. NSers tend to be a more thoughtful, moral bunch, and I suspect that while many of you would be uncomfortable with the idea of such casual sex, it may explain why you are HERE on a Friday night, instead of out at a bar getting laid:).

Then again...I think that SOME of you are just rationalising it too much...and that in the heat of the moment, a guarantee you are going to get laid is going to outweigh any disappointment that you might have about not getting a chance to marry this woman:)

If it was very clear from the beginning what exactly our relationship was, and her "official" lover was completely okay with it, then I don't suppose I'd mind (if I wasn't already in another relationship, of course).

I'm male, BTW.

... I suspect that while many of you would be uncomfortable with the idea of such casual sex, it may explain why you are HERE on a Friday night, instead of out at a bar getting laid:).
I've never had any problems with "casual sex," but it's kinda difficult to get very turned on when you've just had a radical prostatectomy. :p

I can see how that would make things difficult, yes...though I doubt there has been a rash of such operations amongst NS men...

I can see how that would make things difficult, yes...though I doubt there has been a rash of such operations amongst NS men...
*nervously kicks box of scalpels under bed*
Of course there hasn't been.
And any reports about a masked man anesthetizing posters while there asleep and performing unnecessary surgery on their lower torso are completely untrue. As are rumours about subsequent blood sacrifices to the Dark Gods of Inflammable Textiles.

I can see how that would make things difficult, yes...though I doubt there has been a rash of such operations amongst NS men...
LOL! Ya think? :D

At least it explains why I'm posting on NS General on a Friday night instead of out trying to get laid, yes? :p

Despite the fact that Carn and Sierra will suggest that I am soliciting for the purpose of getting dates, this is not my intention:)

That being said, I pose to you the following scenario:

A married couple has an 'open' relationship. Sleeping with someone outside the marriage is not considered cheating, as all such interactions are openly admitted to, and consented to by both partners.

Now, would you be able to live with being the 'extra' in this scenario...either having a fling with the husband, or the wife (not both, not in this scenario:))...or would you feel that you were aiding and abetting infidelity? Would you be able to accept that this relationship (with one of the spouses) would not go further than sex? Would you feel used, or relieved at having no strings attached?

I'm interested to know if women would respond to this question differently than men, so please tell us your gender:)

No...I'm not interviewing applicants just yet...just interested how 'normal' people view this unconventional arrangement between spouses.
Only if the party I was shaging was Fass.

LOL! Ya think? :D

At least it explains why I'm posting on NS General on a Friday night instead of out trying to get laid, yes? :p
Wait...I thought you had a girlfriend?

Only if the party I was shaging was Fass.
Wow...Fass is damn popular lately!

Wait...I thought you had a girlfriend?
Several, to be exact, but who's counting? LOL!

And that is appropros of what???

I think that this is one of those things that I just wouldn't know unless I was actually faced with it. I don't think I could hang, though. It seems like something that would end badly somewhere along the line and in that trainwreck I would be the most expendable.

Wow...Fass is damn popular lately!
Only for a quick shag and a cookie. Otherwise the guy's bad news.

Now, would you be able to live with being the 'extra' in this scenario...either having a fling with the husband, or the wife (not both, not in this scenario:))...or would you feel that you were aiding and abetting infidelity?I have no problem with open relationships, even though I know that they're not for me. It's not that I disapprove, or think that I would be helping someone to do something immoral. I would never, however, ever become involved in such a relationship. I would feel at least partially responsible for the well-being of the original couple's relationship. I would feel horrible if the relationship dissolved.

Would you be able to accept that this relationship (with one of the spouses) would not go further than sex?That's really not a problem with me. I'm ok with meaningless sex, just not with someone else's SO.

Would you feel used, or relieved at having no strings attached?The no strings thing really does appeal to me, unfortunatly I think that open relationships can get really messy, real quick. No strings may be the original intention, but the situation can get really sticky all the same.

I'm a chick, for those of you who didn't figure that out from my lesbian thread.:p

I'm a chick, for those of you who didn't figure that out from my lesbian thread.:p
That only occured to me a couple minutes ago, actually. *blush*

In my experience (before I settled down), finding men who wanted nothing more than a fling, was not difficult. And frankly, the bars and clubs are full of such men. NSers tend to be a more thoughtful, moral bunch, and I suspect that while many of you would be uncomfortable with the idea of such casual sex, it may explain why you are HERE on a Friday night, instead of out at a bar getting laid.

You know, with me in particular, part of it is morals and the other part is the social thing.

To be honest, every girl throughout my life has reallllllly taken advantage of me. I cannot and do not trust any women beyond a few proven friends because of how traumatizing my dating life has been. Relationships, and therefore, sex, don't come easily to me, and so when an opportunity presents itself, as in a one night stand, it freaks me out. I attract the worst people and I always fear an alterior motive from them.

I'm the only guy in my frat like that. I've been with one girl, and haven't really made much of an effort for #2. Just doesn't seem worth it.

Hmmm...I think all of you are thinking way too much with your brains:)

This is easy... Hell no. I don't want someone else's sloppy seconds, thanks.

Yes.

I actually had a situation like this come up a few weeks ago.

A (female) friend of mine one night asked me what I thought about casual sex, and whether or not I'd do it. The reason for her asking being that she needed to get laid ... However, she does have a boyfriend, and he is a friend of mine. (The reason she wanted someone else is because her boyfriend is at the other end of the country)

She said that her boyfriend was completely ok with her sleeping with another guy ... But casual sex just isn't something I would do, and I told her that.

I think that if this was something I were to do, I'd just end up feeling sad that it can't go any further than just sex. I guess I need sex to have meaning for me. To be sleeping with a girl because I love her, or at the very least, could fall in love with her.
And there was also the fact that I'm friends with her boyfriend ... It would just feel too weird to be the one screwing his girlfriend! :p

The honest answer is that I don't know.

Morally, I think it would depend. By disposition, I am very Kantian, which means that I am 1) very rigid and rigorous in my application of morality to my life, and 2) always try to obey the maxim of treating people as ends in themselves, and never as a means to an end. So I wouldn't a priori be against the idea, but theoretically, I'd have to have a rationale beyond "I want to use you for my own gratification" to get involved.

Practically, I might or I might not. I've been pretty good about upholding my moral standards even in the face of staggering temptation thus far. Nevertheless, moral uprightness is a pretty cold mistress to sleep with at night when compared with a beautiful woman. Speaking from a matter of will or won't as opposed to an ought or ought not, I might very well aquiesce even knowing that I shouldn't, for no other reason than because I'm tired of feeling so unwanted.

Despite the fact that Carn and Sierra will suggest that I am soliciting for the purpose of getting dates, this is not my intention:)

That being said, I pose to you the following scenario:

A married couple has an 'open' relationship. Sleeping with someone outside the marriage is not considered cheating, as all such interactions are openly admitted to, and consented to by both partners.

Now, would you be able to live with being the 'extra' in this scenario...either having a fling with the husband, or the wife (not both, not in this scenario:))...or would you feel that you were aiding and abetting infidelity? Would you be able to accept that this relationship (with one of the spouses) would not go further than sex? Would you feel used, or relieved at having no strings attached?

I'm interested to know if women would respond to this question differently than men, so please tell us your gender:)

No...I'm not interviewing applicants just yet...just interested how 'normal' people view this unconventional arrangement between spouses.
I'm female, and I have participated in "open" relationships of pretty much every combination, though never with a married couple. I've been in a relationship with a female where we included other females, and a relationship with a male where we were both free to pursue outside partners (though we had some specific rules for health and safety). I've also been the "third" brought in by a male-female couple, and I've had relationships with individuals of each gender who were in "open relationships" with somebody else.

My only rule is that I want everybody involved to know what's going on. It's as much a safety issue as an emotional one, for me, and I tend to be very strict about getting tested and practicing safe sex.

Currently I would not consider being the "extra" in somebody's open relationship because I am in a monogamous relationship myself. In theory, however, if I were single, I would not have any problem being an "extra" if both people in the marriage were completely in the loop.

This is easy... Hell no. I don't want someone else's sloppy seconds, thanks.
Well, unless you're only going to date virgins...seconds, thirds, fourths, eighty-ninths are your lot in life:)

...or would you feel that you were aiding and abetting infidelity? Yes.

Well, unless you're only going to date virgins...seconds, thirds, fourths, eighty-ninths are your lot in life:)

I don't think it'd be unreasonable not wanting 89ths.

You know what I think is weirdest about this whole issue? I've brought this up, or had it brought up to me many times over the years, and people always get strange at the idea of a couple knowingly allowing eachother to sleep with other people. And yet, most of these same people had cheated on a boyfriend or girlfriend at least once, sometimes even with someone who had been in another relationship. So how is it that cheating is somehow okay, but open sharing is wrong?

My theory? Cheating is ubiquitous. Infidelity is very, very common. It's secret, you don't have to really rationalise it, you can just do the deed and hope you don't get caught. You get to follow up on your urges without any analysis of the situation. An open relationship is exactly that...open...you have to be honest with your partner about what you are doing, who you are doing, and how you are doing it. Most people can barely stand to talk about what turns them on, much less be that forthcoming. So cheating is easier. Not better, just easier.

And yeah, I get that most NSers won't fit that profile...you tend to be a more rational lot...

This is easy... Hell no. I don't want someone else's sloppy seconds, thanks. Agreed. 'Tis 'pulsive.

I don't think it'd be unreasonable not wanting 89ths.
Hehehehehe...but would it really matter if you loved the person? I mean...come on...it's not true about it getting looser...:eek:

In theory, I have no moral objection to it. But I'm far too insecure to be able to deal with anything like that.

Yes.
See, now that's just silly. Because it's only infidelity when it's dishonest, and the other person has not agreed. You can not define cheating as sleeping with someone besides your partner alone...it has to involve that aspect of lying, of deceit. If the two people in the relationship don't consider it cheating, how can you?

Agreed. 'Tis 'pulsive.
And what the heck are you two talking about anyway? It's not like this scenario involves a woman or man who runs over to you after a sweaty, messy session with someone else...how does this involve sloppy seconds?

And what the heck are you two talking about anyway? It's not like this scenario involves a woman or man who runs over to you after a sweaty, messy session with someone else...how does this involve sloppy seconds?
Purity fetishism.

Sex makes a person dirty and yucky, and thus any sex with a non-sexually-"pure" person is inherently dirty and yucky. It is particularly impossible to value or respect a female who has had sex with another person, since she has been irreparably dirtied by letting another person near her Most Precious Hymen.

Actually, I currently am the "extra". I don't really mind, to be honest.

I have some moral problems occasionally, as his partner doesn't know about the situation, but since it is a long-distance relationship anyway, I normally don't feel too bad about it.
It does have its advantages...

Oh, I'm female, btw...

Purity fetishism.

Sex makes a person dirty and yucky, and thus any sex with a non-sexually-"pure" person is inherently dirty and yucky. It is particularly impossible to value or respect a female who has had sex with another person, since she has been irreparably dirtied by letting another person near her Most Precious Hymen.
I'm just surprised it was Eichen who made the first comment...he never ever stuck me as that kind of prude before (and I'm assuming it was an off the cuff remark, and not really representative of his views towards females....). But it's exactly this kind of shit, the idea that women who have sex, or even worse *gasp* ENJOY sex...are somehow unclean, that create this ridiculous tension between women and men...men must pursue, women must flee...

As my husband put it..."Don't you think the world would be a much better place if guys could get their c*cks sucked on a regular basis? So why is it that men go around making sure that women feel dirty, used, and slutty if they do? What the hell is wrong with us? We should be doing everything in our power to make women feel GOOD about having sex! LOTS of sex!"

Seriously guys. Think about it.

I'm just surprised it was Eichen who made the first comment...he never ever stuck me as that kind of prude before (and I'm assuming it was an off the cuff remark, and not really representative of his views towards females....). But it's exactly this kind of shit, the idea that women who have sex, or even worse *gasp* ENJOY sex...are somehow unclean, that create this ridiculous tension between women and men...men must pursue, women must flee...

As my husband put it..."Don't you think the world would be a much better place if guys could get their c*cks sucked on a regular basis? So why is it that men go around making sure that women feel dirty, used, and slutty if they do? What the hell is wrong with us? We should be doing everything in our power to make women feel GOOD about having sex! LOTS of sex!"

Seriously guys. Think about it.

Girls, why do you believe it?
Seriously, you wouldn't believe those guys if they told you the time, yet you let them judge your character in such a way?
I never believed in any of that bullshit, and I still don't.

Girls, why do you believe it?
Seriously, you wouldn't believe those guys if they told you the time, yet you let them judge your character in such a way?

For most girls, that's all they've ever heard. Their parents, teachers, friends, relatives, everybody in their lives tell them that girls who do IT are wicked, horrible, dirty sluts who end up dying of syphilis in the gutter. Many of them are never exposed to the idea that sex is natural and normal, or the notion that liking sex is okay. They are taught to fear and dislike their own bodies. They are taught that, as females, their job is to deny sex, because their only value is as Keeper Of The Hymen...once they lose their hymen they will have lost all value and nobody will want them. They are taught that boys only get married because they want to break the hymen of a terrified and confused bride on their wedding night as proof that their newly-bought female has no experience by which to judge their Manhood; only girls who have The Hymen can bribe a male to put up with their dirty, weak, stupid female selves, and even then they can only hang onto the male if they refuse to enjoy sex as anything other than the mechanism to make babies.


I never believed in any of that bullshit, and I still don't.Me neither, but I've seen it in action. In my opinion, it's child abuse.

Well, there is the other side to that...there have been a lot of assumptions made even in this thread about the 'virility' of a man that would share 'his' woman. As though the only reason a man would do that is if he were impotent:rolleyes:

Well, there is the other side to that...there have been a lot of assumptions made even in this thread about the 'virility' of a man that would share 'his' woman. As though the only reason a man would do that is if he were impotent:rolleyes:
Oh, of course. Hell, there are disgusting implications about MEN made when we fetishize the hymen as well...according to that way of thinking, men are so terrified of possible criticism that they will only wish to marry women who have no basis for comparison. They will "use" the "slutty" girls as much as possible, but will only "keep" the girls who are completely non-threatening. Most of my male friends are as insulted by this idea as girls are :).

Oh, of course. Hell, there are disgusting implications about MEN made when we fetishize the hymen as well...according to that way of thinking, men are so terrified of possible criticism that they will only wish to marry women who have no basis for comparison. They will "use" the "slutty" girls as much as possible, but will only "keep" the girls who are completely non-threatening. Most of my male friends are as insulted by this idea as girls are :).

Will you marry me?

No...I'm not interviewing applicants just yet...just interested how 'normal' people view this unconventional arrangement between spouses.
Oh, well then. If you're looking for input from 'normal' people, then I guess my input wouldn't compute. I'm in a fairly malleable relationship, and it works out just fine.

Oh, well then. If you're looking for input from 'normal' people, then I guess my input wouldn't compute. I'm in a fairly malleable relationship, and it works out just fine.
Then you're one of the 'freaks'. You know, the people that are comfortable with their sexuality, and are secure enough in their relationship to be honest and open about their desires, and not shackled to jealousy. We have a great retirement plan though...:p

Hell yeah! (I’ve been in all three positions many times).

I actually lost my virginity with a friend of mine’s girlfriend (every one was totally cool with it).

Then again, I’d also be happy to be a secondary boyfriend.

Oh, well then. If you're looking for input from 'normal' people, then I guess my input wouldn't compute. I'm in a fairly malleable relationship, and it works out just fine.Then you're one of the 'freaks'. You know, the people that are comfortable with their sexuality, and are secure enough in their relationship to be honest and open about their desires, and not shackled to jealousy. We have a great retirement plan though...:p

EDIT:
Whoops, I missed that in the origional post... I guess I'm well into freak land myself.

Will you marry me?
Watch out, I'm "sloppy seconds." My girl-place is no longer guarded by the golden, sparkly, daisy-scented portcullis of The Hymen.

Yes I would

A married couple has an 'open' relationship. Sleeping with someone outside the marriage is not considered cheating, as all such interactions are openly admitted to, and consented to by both partners.

Now, would you be able to live with being the 'extra' in this scenario...either having a fling with the husband, or the wife (not both, not in this scenario:))...or would you feel that you were aiding and abetting infidelity? Would you be able to accept that this relationship (with one of the spouses) would not go further than sex? Would you feel used, or relieved at having no strings attached?

Well first of all I'll start by noting that two of my Clansibs, who are in a relationship together, also have a relationship with another woman, who is also married. Now the question is who is the extra to whom? While the other woman is married her husband does not participate in anything with the other three. But all are knowledgable of the events.

As for me I've yet to be the actual third, although I have had a few close possibilities, that we decided was better not to. I just recently gave a feather to another other than my current SO. My SO is fully aware of it.

I believe I could handle it, but it would not be simply sex. I am incapable of having sexual relations with someone I don't care about. I may not want to make it a long term relationship, but I do care about them.

I don't think it'd be unreasonable not wanting 89ths.Hey!

Despite the fact that Carn and Sierra will suggest that I am soliciting for the purpose of getting dates, this is not my intention:)

That being said, I pose to you the following scenario:

A married couple has an 'open' relationship. Sleeping with someone outside the marriage is not considered cheating, as all such interactions are openly admitted to, and consented to by both partners.

Now, would you be able to live with being the 'extra' in this scenario...either having a fling with the husband, or the wife (not both, not in this scenario:))...or would you feel that you were aiding and abetting infidelity? Would you be able to accept that this relationship (with one of the spouses) would not go further than sex? Would you feel used, or relieved at having no strings attached?

I'm interested to know if women would respond to this question differently than men, so please tell us your gender:)

No...I'm not interviewing applicants just yet...just interested how 'normal' people view this unconventional arrangement between spouses.

I would not be comfortable with it - but not because I would think that I was aiding and abetting infidelity. If the couple in question has decided that they are going to have this open relationship, that is their decision.

I wouldn't be comfortable with it because I am only willing to have a sexual relationship as a committed, lifetime, monogomous relationship. Thus, if I knew the score, I wouldn't enter into the relationship with someone already sleeping with someone else to begin with. And, if the person in question didn't tell me they were married and I got into the relationship, I would consider them cheating on me with their spouse, as I would believe my relationship with them to be monogamous. See?

Hehe. Anyways, that's my two cents.

And I'm female.

For most girls, that's all they've ever heard. Their parents, teachers, friends, relatives, everybody in their lives tell them that girls who do IT are wicked, horrible, dirty sluts who end up dying of syphilis in the gutter. Many of them are never exposed to the idea that sex is natural and normal, or the notion that liking sex is okay. They are taught to fear and dislike their own bodies. They are taught that, as females, their job is to deny sex, because their only value is as Keeper Of The Hymen...once they lose their hymen they will have lost all value and nobody will want them. They are taught that boys only get married because they want to break the hymen of a terrified and confused bride on their wedding night as proof that their newly-bought female has no experience by which to judge their Manhood; only girls who have The Hymen can bribe a male to put up with their dirty, weak, stupid female selves, and even then they can only hang onto the male if they refuse to enjoy sex as anything other than the mechanism to make babies.

Me neither, but I've seen it in action. In my opinion, it's child abuse.


Hehe... thank god for catholic education. I'll never forget Sister Claudia telling us class of 11 year old girls : "Girls, if you are feeling ok with something, it IS ok. Don't let nobody tell you any different. But if you don't feel ok, tell the guy to stop this instant. If he doesn't... well, I just showed you where it'll hurt him most ;) "

That being said, I pose to you the following scenario:

A married couple has an 'open' relationship. Sleeping with someone outside the marriage is not considered cheating, as all such interactions are openly admitted to, and consented to by both partners.

Now, would you be able to live with being the 'extra' in this scenario...either having a fling with the husband, or the wife (not both, not in this scenario:))...or would you feel that you were aiding and abetting infidelity? Would you be able to accept that this relationship (with one of the spouses) would not go further than sex? Would you feel used, or relieved at having no strings attached?

I'm male, and as long as both of the people in the relationship were aware, I would have no problems being the 'extra'

Hey!

Hey what? I'm not saying I have any problem with it. I'm just saying I could understand if a guy or a girl didn't want to be the 89th person their new interest had had sex with.

Watch out, I'm "sloppy seconds." My girl-place is no longer guarded by the golden, sparkly, daisy-scented portcullis of The Hymen.

I don't need your girl-place to be guarded.

And "golden, sparkly, daisy-scented"???

no

im not interested in being second best and i dont know why anyone would want to be.Ditto. Neither would I ever consider being part of the actual couple in an open relationship; despite people's best intentions, I can only ever see this type of thing leading to jealousy and, therefore, ultimately destruction. Even if that were not the case, you're still second best when your boyfriend/girlfriend is off sleeping with someone else, whether they come back to you in the end or not.

Edit: In the wider sense, I also would be most uncomfortable having sex with anyone I didn't care about, whether they were attached or not. Obviously it would be worse if they were, but meaningless sex is not my bag. It's not that I don't like sex - I love it, actually - but for me it's only ever going to be in a meaningful relationship. Second-hand information from friends suggest that emotionless sex is, for the most part, deeply unsatisfactory anyway. It's not that I disapprove of people having casual sex - far from it - I just don't want to do it myself.

And "golden, sparkly, daisy-scented"???
Just ask the hymen-fetishists. They make it sound like breaking a hymen is the highest purpose of the male species, and that the female species exists primarily as life support for said hymen.

Despite the fact that Carn and Sierra will suggest that I am soliciting for the purpose of getting dates, this is not my intention:)

That being said, I pose to you the following scenario:

A married couple has an 'open' relationship. Sleeping with someone outside the marriage is not considered cheating, as all such interactions are openly admitted to, and consented to by both partners.

Now, would you be able to live with being the 'extra' in this scenario...either having a fling with the husband, or the wife (not both, not in this scenario:))...or would you feel that you were aiding and abetting infidelity? Would you be able to accept that this relationship (with one of the spouses) would not go further than sex? Would you feel used, or relieved at having no strings attached?

I'm interested to know if women would respond to this question differently than men, so please tell us your gender:)

No...I'm not interviewing applicants just yet...just interested how 'normal' people view this unconventional arrangement between spouses.
I wouldn't be "okay" with that. In fact, it would be uncomfortable beyond belief. Infidelity aside, I have my own ideals of what a relationship should be and that doesn't include a third.

If both in the couple were aware, then I might do it. I think I would dislike the idea if it were to be a one night stand, but if it were a friends-with-benefits type of thing it might be fine.
If it was cheating, however, I would not be fine with it. I do realize there is a huge difference between an open relationship and cheating.

I wouldn't do so currently, as I'm in a monogamous relationship. But if I were single, I might.
I don't think I could be in a non-monogamous relationship.

I do also find it rather odd that people are assuming that the third will be used by the one in the relationship for that one's sexual gratification. Why couldn't the third be using the one in the relationship for his or her own sexual gratification? Why couldn't there be mutual sexual gratification?

My wife and I have rules - there isn't any relationship or friendship with the other men outside of the party, and we never party with one of the "externals" unless both of us are there.

This being said, few men seem to want this - although we have some regulars who like the idea of an emotionless, non-relationship that is purely sexual in nature, there are far fewer takers for this than you might imagine.

A lot of men can talk and say they like things this way, but few can do it.

We've found that out of 4 men who can say they absolutely want sex on those conditions, about 1 really will go through with it at least once - and then after that, of the 4 that actually went through with it once, only 1 will continue.

It's not for everyone.

If both in the couple were aware, then I might do it. I think I would dislike the idea if it were to be a one night stand, but if it were a friends-with-benefits type of thing it might be fine.Friends-with-benefits is a very apt description. Most people I know wouldn't really be attracted to someone strongly enough to sleep with them based on looks along. The attraction usually becomes stronger with more exposure to that person's personality. I couldn't sleep with someone I cared nothing for...but if I got to know them better, then HELL YES!

I do also find it rather odd that people are assuming that the third will be used by the one in the relationship for that one's sexual gratification. Why couldn't the third be using the one in the relationship for his or her own sexual gratification? Why couldn't there be mutual sexual gratification?EXACTLY! Where is this coming from...it's coming from comparing cheating to an open relationship. Why? Because when people are unfaithful, they lie, and quite often, they lie about being in a relationship in order to get laid. They lead the other person on, and use that person. In an open relationship, that dishonesty is not an issue. Don't compare the two, they are very different situations. It's not always a case of "I want to have sex with you and never see you again" it might be more of "let's get jiggy on Thursdays, shall we?"

My wife and I have rules - there isn't any relationship or friendship with the other men outside of the party, and we never party with one of the "externals" unless both of us are there.

This being said, few men seem to want this - although we have some regulars who like the idea of an emotionless, non-relationship that is purely sexual in nature, there are far fewer takers for this than you might imagine.

A lot of men can talk and say they like things this way, but few can do it.

We've found that out of 4 men who can say they absolutely want sex on those conditions, about 1 really will go through with it at least once - and then after that, of the 4 that actually went through with it once, only 1 will continue.

It's not for everyone.
My husband and I are approaching it from a different angle...we like the friends-with-benefits option. It just seems better for us. We aren't worried about forming attachments that will break us up, and the sex can only get better with people you are comfortable with. And I tend not to stay attracted to someone unless I know them fairly well.

Despite the fact that Carn and Sierra will suggest that I am soliciting for the purpose of getting dates, this is not my intention:)

That being said, I pose to you the following scenario:

A married couple has an 'open' relationship. Sleeping with someone outside the marriage is not considered cheating, as all such interactions are openly admitted to, and consented to by both partners.

Now, would you be able to live with being the 'extra' in this scenario...either having a fling with the husband, or the wife (not both, not in this scenario:))...or would you feel that you were aiding and abetting infidelity? Would you be able to accept that this relationship (with one of the spouses) would not go further than sex? Would you feel used, or relieved at having no strings attached?

I'm interested to know if women would respond to this question differently than men, so please tell us your gender:)

No...I'm not interviewing applicants just yet...just interested how 'normal' people view this unconventional arrangement between spouses.
nope

Friends-with-benefits is a very apt description. Most people I know wouldn't really be attracted to someone strongly enough to sleep with them based on looks along. The attraction usually becomes stronger with more exposure to that person's personality. I couldn't sleep with someone I cared nothing for...but if I got to know them better, then HELL YES! I find myself the same way - that I tend to become more attracted to someone based on their personality.

EXACTLY! Where is this coming from...it's coming from comparing cheating to an open relationship. Why? Because when people are unfaithful, they lie, and quite often, they lie about being in a relationship in order to get laid. They lead the other person on, and use that person. In an open relationship, that dishonesty is not an issue. Don't compare the two, they are very different situations. It's not always a case of "I want to have sex with you and never see you again" it might be more of "let's get jiggy on Thursdays, shall we?"I suppose the people are looking at it from being the "extra" only once, whereas really it would probably happen on a regular basis, and you would get to know the person you're having sex with.