NationStates Jolt Archive

Ok, this morning I turn on CNN to find out what's going on in the world so I can complain about it here. CNN decided to spend more time on coverage of the hurricane that hit Florida earlier in the week (old news) than on the fact that the Iranian president publicly stated that he wants to wipe Israel off the map and that another PIJ scumbag blew himself up in a market.

Far be it from me to just complain. I'm going to take action. I'm looking for people with delusions of venture capitalism to bankroll my new project. A new cable news network that will cover hard news. Stuff that will affect the US and the world for decades to come, like how Bush wont' release documents on his new supreme court candidate broad.

The station will be called DCNN. Drunk Commies News Network. In addition to hard news it will capture the average semi-retarded, big-mac fed moron demographic because all anchor women will be hot and dressed in lingere and will suck noisily on popsicles in between news stories. For the sake of diversity we'll also have speedo-clad male weather men and reporters. I don't know what they should do to attract female and gay viewership, but I'll be glad to hire Sinuhue and Fass as consultants. Since the slogans "Fair and Balanced" and "The Most Trusted Name in News" are already taken I've come up with a slogan of our own. "The only place where learning about genocide will give you an erection".

So who's with me?

Despite having no experience with CNN (bar thier hilarisous coverage of the G8 protests at gleneagles that i watched from the canary islands) i'm with you.

Why not? I'll be one of the newscasters, and I'll speak only in a combination of Chinese and Gaelic to confuse everyone. ^.^

Why not? I'll be one of the newscasters, and I'll speak only in a combination of Chinese and Gaelic to confuse everyone. ^.^
No, the news has to be clear, relevant, and timely. However if you want to be on camera you can buy a speedo and audition in front of Sinuhue and Fass.

Or, instead of reinventing the wheel at considerable cost, both in time and money on your part, you could find an indymedia outlet, and support them in reporting the hard news?

No, the news has to be clear, relevant, and timely. However if you want to be on camera you can buy a speedo and audition in front of Sinuhue and Fass.
heheheheheee....I like the image already....don't worry, Fass and I won't be critical at all:D

Or, instead of reinventing the wheel at considerable cost, both in time and money on your part, you could find an indymedia outlet, and support them in reporting the hard news?
Indymedia doesn't have the sex appeal necessary to attract the lowest common denominator morons that make for strong ratings and high revenue. I'm not just doing a public service here, I'm trying to make myslef and my investors rich.

heheheheheee....I like the image already....don't worry, Fass and I won't be critical at all:D
I knew you were the right woman for the job.

Or, instead of reinventing the wheel at considerable cost, both in time and money on your part, you could find an indymedia outlet, and support them in reporting the hard news?


I have some "hard news" for you right here....

heheheheheee....I like the image already....don't worry, Fass and I won't be critical at all:D
<_<

Maybe I'll pass on this one...

Indymedia doesn't have the sex appeal necessary to attract the lowest common denominator morons that make for strong ratings and high revenue. I'm not just doing a public service here, I'm trying to make myslef and my investors rich.
All good points. Until those indymedia folks can stop looking so damn granola, and get some spiffy duds to replace their ripped jeans, tie-dyed t-shirts and sandals, I think that sex appeal will be lacking. However, if it became more widely known that lefty girls put out way more that righty girls, that might help. And don't worry...once the bucks start rolling in, all those indy folks will sell their souls and join corporate America, like everyone else...but to start with, you can work them like dogs, and not bother to pay them! It'd be like a microcosm of the initial development of the US through slave labour!

I have some "hard news" for you right here....
You see...I wanted to take that line, but I thought it more appropriate for a man to do it...I knew you wouldn't let me down!

Indymedia doesn't have the sex appeal necessary to attract the lowest common denominator morons that make for strong ratings and high revenue. I'm not just doing a public service here, I'm trying to make myslef and my investors rich.

Perhaps Jerry Springer or Geraldo would lend you some of their groupy regular fans and guests they must keep files on.

You could have the whole audience hooting and hollering and picking nits off of each other.

In two years you could have enough edited footage to release a dvd of "Drunk Commies Un-Deleted and Gone Wild", complete with fat,pock-marked bare asses and tube tops flashing that barely covered dough roll bellys to start with.

Or, instead of reinventing the wheel at considerable cost, both in time and money on your part, you could find an indymedia outlet, and support them in reporting the hard news?
Are we talking about the same indymedia that went batshit crazy over a couple of APC's driving through LA on their way to get ready for a parade for the next day?

You see...I wanted to take that line, but I thought it more appropriate for a man to do it...I knew you wouldn't let me down!

I appeal to your basest and lowest common denominator- I wont let you down when I spend most of my time keeping it...up.

No, the news has to be clear, relevant, and timely. However if you want to be on camera you can buy a speedo and audition in front of Sinuhue and Fass.

The speedo part will of course be negotiable. No one will be forced to wear it. You are all free to not wear anything during the audition process.

However, if it became more widely known that lefty girls put out way more that righty girls, !
I've got a feeling that Jenna Bush is a pretty easy lay. Too bad. I think her sister's the cute one.

Dude, I'm tellin' y'all-News co-op. A bunch of people get together and collectively hire a small group of news gatherers. No advertiser, no publsher with an axe to grind. The reporters review each other and the co-op audits the reporters regularly. It has some burrs but it could be worked out.

Are we talking about the same indymedia that went batshit crazy over a couple of APC's driving through LA on their way to get ready for a parade for the next day?
I'm not familiar enough with that incident to know...and I suspect your Indymedia is a bit different than ours...but quite possibly yes.

Perhaps Jerry Springer or Geraldo would lend you some of their groupy regular fans and guests they must keep files on.

You could have the whole audience hooting and hollering and picking nits off of each other.

In two years you could have enough edited footage to release a dvd of "Drunk Commies Un-Deleted and Gone Wild", complete with fat,pock-marked bare asses and tube tops flashing that barely covered dough roll bellys to start with.
I've had bad luck trying to sell "gone wild" type tapes. I still have a ton of "Guys Gone Wild" DVDs. I was trying to sell DVDs of drunk guys at football games to women because those "Girls Gone Wild" DVDs sell so well. It didn't work out.

All good points. Until those indymedia folks can stop looking so damn granola, and get some spiffy duds to replace their ripped jeans, tie-dyed t-shirts and sandals, I think that sex appeal will be lacking. However, if it became more widely known that lefty girls put out way more that righty girls, that might help. And don't worry...once the bucks start rolling in, all those indy folks will sell their souls and join corporate America, like everyone else...but to start with, you can work them like dogs, and not bother to pay them! It'd be like a microcosm of the initial development of the US through slave labour!


blah,blah blah....Its "LABOR" ,damnit !! Lay off the squeeze and write it correctly 50 times on the board. Maybe it will sink in.


:p

I've had bad luck trying to sell "gone wild" type tapes. I still have a ton of "Guys Gone Wild" DVDs. I was trying to sell DVDs of drunk guys at football games to women because those "Girls Gone Wild" DVDs sell so well. It didn't work out.

Try to get some footage with midgets-women love midgets. :D

Dude, I'm tellin' y'all-News co-op. A bunch of people get together and collectively hire a small group of news gatherers. No advertiser, no publsher with an axe to grind. The reporters review each other and the co-op audits the reporters regularly. It has some burrs but it could be worked out.
A very successful example of this is, of course, the New Internationalist (http://www.newint.org/). One of my favourites.

The speedo part will of course be negotiable. No one will be forced to wear it. You are all free to not wear anything during the audition process.
Er, exactly.

I'll judge as a representative of the asexual/trisexual population. We are out there, somewhere. ;)

I've had bad luck trying to sell "gone wild" type tapes. I still have a ton of "Guys Gone Wild" DVDs. I was trying to sell DVDs of drunk guys at football games to women because those "Girls Gone Wild" DVDs sell so well. It didn't work out.
I suspect that is because most women know they can see a live version pretty much any time they want to...and all they have to do is start drinking.

blah,blah blah....Its "LABOR" ,damnit !! Lay off the squeeze and write it correctly 50 times on the board. Maybe it will sink in.

:p

No, no. To maintain the utmost standard of credibility and professionalism, this new news network will speak Her Majesty's English, and not some colonial poppycock.

Try to get some footage with midgets-women love midgets. :D
Not where it counts.

I retract that statement, and stick with my earlier assertation that size does not actually matter.

Bravo!!!

No, no. To maintain the utmost standard of credibility and professionalism, this new news network will speak Her Majesty's English, and not some colonial poppycock.

huh-huh...he said "cock"...

blah,blah blah....Its "LABOR" ,damnit !! Lay off the squeeze and write it correctly 50 times on the board. Maybe it will sink in.


:p
I went through laboUr...I think I know how to spell it. And colour, neighbour, generalise, specialise, metre, centre etc. You want to change my spelling? Then YOU come and colonise me:)

You see...I wanted to take that line, but I thought it more appropriate for a man to do it...I knew you wouldn't let me down!
Well, you can always rely on someone to do it... ^_^

Er, exactly.

I'll judge as a representative of the asexual/trisexual population. We are out there, somewhere. ;)

New admissions to the judge panel must be pre-approved and judged by the original judge duo. So, get those rags off and show us your bits!

No, no. To maintain the utmost standard of credibility and professionalism, this new news network will speak Her Majesty's English, and not some colonial poppycock.
Sooo, imitate Monty Python then. Got it.

No, no. To maintain the utmost standard of credibility and professionalism, this new news network will speak Her Majesty's English, and not some colonial poppycock.
It's hard to imagine that there was ever a time I did not agree with you...*gets all weepy and sentimental over Fass*

It's hard to imagine that there was ever a time I did not agree with you...*gets all weepy and sentimental over Fass*
Yep. Fass is as wise as a three dollar bill.:D

New admissions to the judge panel must be pre-approved and judged by the original judge duo. So, get those rags off and show us your bits!
I'd like a list of criteria you use for judging, first of all...

Not where it counts.

I retract that statement, and stick with my earlier assertation that size does not actually matter.

You're so fulla baloney. Actually, maybe never full enough is more like it.

We'll do a "blind taste test" and see whose assertation you're more inclined to pay attention to - Tiny Tim, or Big Jim and the Twins.

Yep. Fass is as wise as a three dollar bill.:D
And as useful.

Well, you can always rely on someone to do it... ^_^
Yes, well Carn actually seems to think it is his patriotic duty or something...so I throw him a bone now and again...hoping he'll fly up and reciprocate one day:)

I went through laboUr...I think I know how to spell it. And colour, neighbour, generalise, specialise, metre, centre etc. You want to change my spelling? Then YOU come and colonise me:)

I'll save the colon-izing for last.

Ok- on the ticker at the bottom of the screen, you can spell it your wrong way- it'll make those on the continent feel comfortable, then they'll believe whatever you report. But I would insist that the anchors and reporters spell the words they speak correctly.

I'd like to be the sports editor, since I know next to nothing about any sports aside from shooting.

That, and I'd like to see Sinuhue in a tube top.

Yes, well Carn actually seems to think it is his patriotic duty or something...so I throw him a bone now and again...hoping he'll fly up and reciprocate one day:)
Wouldn't it be unpatriotic, because Canada is the home of those godless liberal pinko commie tree-huggers who actually think the war in Iraq might not have been the best thing that ever happened?

[/hijacks]

I'd like a list of criteria you use for judging, first of all...

That's only available to judges. We wouldn't want any tampering or coaching or augmentation to suit the criteria, now would we? Your professional endowment is to be at the centre, not your adherence to criteria.

Yes, well Carn actually seems to think it is his patriotic duty or something...so I throw him a bone now and again...hoping he'll fly up and reciprocate one day:)

Nah...not my patriotic side. More the part of me that feels sorry for the women just begging for the meat.
If I didnt need snowshoes and a sled/team to get to you Sin, you might already be carrying my non-FASD child.

That's only available to judges. We wouldn't want any tampering or coaching or augmentation to suit the criteria, now would we? Your professional endowment is to be at the centre, not your adherence to criteria.

Are you professionally endowed, Fass? I'd like to see it if you are.

That's only available to judges. We wouldn't want any tampering or coaching or augmentation to suit the criteria, now would we? Your professional endowment is to be at the centre, not your adherence to criteria.
Very well, what are your requirements then? Do you even have any? Because if not, I can join the panel with no abilities whatsoever! :)

(I'll be in good company there however, so I'm sure you two will be able to relate.)

I'd like to be the sports editor, since I know next to nothing about any sports aside from shooting.

That, and I'd like to see Sinuhue in a tube top.

Me too...and jumping on a trampoline...

I'd like to be the sports editor, since I know next to nothing about any sports aside from shooting.

That, and I'd like to see Sinuhue in a tube top.
Give me a few more months to tone my belly up, okay?

Are you professionally endowed, Fass? I'd like to see it if you are.

Sinuhue, as co-judge, would be the one privy to such information, unfortunately, but you are welcome to inspect and give an oral presentation on my, shall we say, talent.

Nah...not my patriotic side. More the part of me that feels sorry for the women just begging for the meat.
If I didnt need snowshoes and a sled/team to get to you Sin, you might already be carrying my non-FASD child.
You don't need snowshoes and a sled/team to get to Alberta/wherever it was that Sinuhue said she lived and I completely forgot about, btw. :rolleyes:

I know. I've actually been to Canada. Unlike some people here...

Very well, what are your requirements then? Do you even have any? Because if not, I can join the panel with no abilities whatsoever! :)

Those are at our discretion and not much unlike the Nobel comittees, we do not disclose what happens à huis clos.

Wouldn't it be unpatriotic, because Canada is the home of those godless liberal pinko commie tree-huggers who actually think the war in Iraq might not have been the best thing that ever happened?

[/hijacks]

WTF did that come from? Sin's opinions on world events wouldnt discourage me from taking full advantage of her desireable flesh and spirit.
The war in Iraq and the environment lie dormant in my brain while the blood rushes and fills the second most important organ.

Sinuhue, as co-judge, would be the one privy to such information, unfortunately, but you are welcome to inspect and give an oral presentation on my, shall we say, talent.

Are you sure it will fit? I hope it isn't too long.

Are you sure it will fit? I hope it isn't too long.

Ah, but all that depends on the depth of your eagerness to know my person.

You don't need snowshoes and a sled/team to get to Alberta/wherever it was that Sinuhue said she lived and I completely forgot about, btw. :rolleyes:

I know. I've actually been to Canada. Unlike some people here...

Good God, man! I've been to Canada. I'm joking with Sin. And you've been around long enough to know I'm not so ignorant or shallow. Unless you never read anything I've ever posted in here until today.

Very well, what are your requirements then? Do you even have any? Because if not, I can join the panel with no abilities whatsoever! :)

(I'll be in good company there however, so I'm sure you two will be able to relate.)
Nicely done:) The force is strong in this one, Fass!

Sinuhue, as co-judge, would be the one privy to such information, unfortunately, but you are welcome to inspect and give an oral presentation on my, shall we say, talent.
I'm your fag-hag, Fass...anyday:)

Ah, but all that depends on the depth of your eagerness to know my person.

Well, if you want deep, you'll have to make a deal with my hemorrhoids.

Good God, man! I've been to Canada. I'm joking with Sin. And you've been around long enough to know I'm not so ignorant or shallow. Unless you never read anything I've ever posted in here until today.
He knows. And wasn't necessarily directing that at you specifically. We all know you are controlled by your gonads, Carn...no mistaking it!

Well, if you want deep, you'll have to make a deal with my hemorrhoids.

Ow... If you want, I'll telegram you my cure. No surgery or prescriptions.

Well, if you want deep, you'll have to make a deal with my hemorrhoids.
Damn! Point that turn-them-off-ray somewhere else! I got a glancing blow!

He knows. And wasn't necessarily directing that at you specifically. We all know you are controlled by your gonads, Carn...no mistaking it!


Are you blind? I AM my gonads...the rest of this is just life support.

Hmmmm...I think we've thoroughly hijacked DC's thread...when did that happen? Sorry!

He knows. And wasn't necessarily directing that at you specifically.
Damn right. ;)

Nicely done:) The force is strong in this one, Fass!
W00t! *tests lightsaber on a couple of Imperial Stormtroopers*

BBC all the way!

Sign me up!

I have a little "freelance journalism" experience. In that I did a course and I wrote articles, did interviews, and offered to have one published :D

BBC all the way!

I'm no Brit, but I agree. BBC is pretty good.

I'm no Brit, but I agree. BBC is pretty good.
Bah! Overated...our BBC Canada does nothing but show the same US news...in that annoying snobby accent. Pure shite.

...I knew you wouldn't let me down!Eventually he will let you down...no matter how much Viagra you can get him to swallow:fluffle:

...and chances are...I would let you down sooner :D

OceanDrive can be our Middle East reporter. We can put him up in the Palestine Hotel in Baghdad, where either the US forces will shoot him by accident, or the suicide bombers will blow him up by accident.

If there's anything left of him after that, he can file his stories.

OceanDrive can be our Middle East reporter. We can put him up in the Palestine Hotel in Baghdad, where either the US forces will shoot him by accident, or the suicide bombers will blow him up by accident.

If there's anything left of him after that, he can file his stories.Please dont blow me :D

"Martyrdom is NOT the only way you can become famous" ;)

Ok, this morning I turn on CNN to find out what's going on in the world so I can complain about it here. CNN decided to spend more time on coverage of the hurricane that hit Florida earlier in the week (old news) than on the fact that the Iranian president publicly stated that he wants to wipe Israel off the map and that another PIJ scumbag blew himself up in a market.

Far be it from me to just complain. I'm going to take action. I'm looking for people with delusions of venture capitalism to bankroll my new project. A new cable news network that will cover hard news. Stuff that will affect the US and the world for decades to come, like how Bush wont' release documents on his new supreme court candidate broad.

The station will be called DCNN. Drunk Commies News Network. In addition to hard news it will capture the average semi-retarded, big-mac fed moron demographic because all anchor women will be hot and dressed in lingere and will suck noisily on popsicles in between news stories. For the sake of diversity we'll also have speedo-clad male weather men and reporters. I don't know what they should do to attract female and gay viewership, but I'll be glad to hire Sinuhue and Fass as consultants. Since the slogans "Fair and Balanced" and "The Most Trusted Name in News" are already taken I've come up with a slogan of our own. "The only place where learning about genocide will give you an erection".

So who's with me?

I'm willing to support with cash and speedo. I know I'll have Sinuhue's vote for newscaster. I don't know about Fass' tastes.

*Heads off to find a speedo thong and a good shop to wax the bits*

Eventually he will let you down...no matter how much Viagra you can get him to swallow:fluffle:

...and chances are...I would let you down sooner :D


I'm still young and I've never let a girl down yet. She'd ask me to stop before I finished.
I've never touched Viagra. Or anything else that is supposed to affect the peepee.

*clicks pen, flips open check book*
Who do I make this out to?

And where do I sign up to "audition" for a position in...oh, lets see...maybe the south pacific? Hawaii maybe?

of course, I am versatile and can fill any position fass and sin wish ;)

Please dont blow me :D

If there aren't enough dead people or abused corpses for Ocean to report on, I'll gladly provide them for him.

Our viewers will be treated to looks of shock, outrage, and horror on Ocean's face - even though we at the studio will know that it's all been manufactured in the same was as the canoe on the Today Show.

I'd put some money into this project. Though it wouldn't be nearly enough to get you running.

Not where it counts.

I retract that statement, and stick with my earlier assertation that size does not actually matter.

Say you're lying, please say you're lying. If not size, what else do I offer? Stamina? Who cares if I can entertain for hours at a crack? Understanding of the female anatomy? Who doesn't have that understanding? An unending sex-drive? Again, I'm male. Seriously.

Without size I'm just a guy who knows everything about pleasing a woman and who's always ready to work until the job is done. Come on, who wants that?

If there aren't enough dead people or abused corpses for Ocean to report on, I'll gladly provide them for him.:eek: make sure they are really dead before you abuse the corpses...

actually just bring them dead...do not abuse them.

Well, if you want deep, you'll have to make a deal with my hemorrhoids.

Oooh, extra snuggly!

Oooh, extra snuggly!
oy vey.

oy vey.

Don't be a kvetching fermisht shlemiel of a putz, this faygala needs to get Sierra's kishka fercockt. Fershtay?

Don't be a kvetching fermisht shlemiel of a putz, this faygala needs to get Sierra's kishka fercockt. Fershtay?

haha...thats the best use of yiddish I've heard since my grandpa let out a torrent at a poor unsuspecting cab driver.

Don't be a kvetching fermisht shlemiel of a putz, this faygala needs to get Sierra's kishka fercockt. Fershtay?
Fass, vifil yor er iz gegangn oyf di fis zol er geyn af di hent un di iberike zol er zikh sharn oyf di hintn.

(Fass, as many years as he’s walked on his feet, let him walk on his hands, and for the rest of the time he should crawl along on his ass.)

If you're thinking of giving it a go, why not start off with a radio webcast? You could basically perfect the formula by dry-running it in an audio format and testing it out on the Nationstates and/or general web audience.

Music? As much as popular media abuses it, putting in the occasional jingle has become pretty standard fair. Ask around and see if anyone might like to compose something; it would do you a subtle but worthwhile good.

The other think you might want to consider is advertising. I reckon you're not going to have a lot, but including a short break every 1/2 hour or so and selling a little airtime (only to the right people, obviously) would be a pretty good way of keeping your station going.

As an aside, I think you should ask Ph33rdom and Grave if they fancy being joint religious correspondants. They'd make a great double-act, and if they had a regular 1 or 1/2 hour slot, I'd sure as hell pay money to watch it.

And while I know this isn't gonna sound good, do you really want to call your news station the Drunk Commies News Network? As long as you're prepared for the use of that name, you're fine, but bear in mind that when you start competing with other big names, you will get railed on for it.

I should be your weatherman.

My credentials:
I look pretty good in underwear.
I'm sillier than Al Roker and Willard Scott combined.
I'm far more entertaining than either of them.
I look WAAAAY better in underwear. :D

I should be your weatherman.

My credentials:
I look pretty good in underwear.
I'm sillier than Al Roker and Willard Scott combined.
I'm far more entertaining than either of them.
I look WAAAAY better in underwear. :D
*Pictures LG as the weatherman from "The Anchorman" *

*Pictures LG as the weatherman from "The Anchorman" *
My god that was a great film. Especially the big fight scene.

I should be your weatherman.

My credentials:
I look pretty good in underwear.
I'm sillier than Al Roker and Willard Scott combined.
I'm far more entertaining than either of them.
I look WAAAAY better in underwear. :D

Now, I'm definitely joining up. I make a great straightman. It would like adding just the right spices to a truly great dish (yeah, that's right you get to be a great dish and I get to be spicy).

This news network is shaping up.

For the record, I'm quite sure I can pass Fass' and Sinuhue's tests.

I should be your weatherman.

My credentials:
I look pretty good in underwear.
I'm sillier than Al Roker and Willard Scott combined.
I'm far more entertaining than either of them.
I look WAAAAY better in underwear. :D


I dunno...Al Roker in a gstring is pretty hot:eek:

Until the President of Iran actually does wipe Israel off the map, it's just bravado rather than news, surely?

Until the President of Iran actually does wipe Israel off the map, it's just bravado rather than news, surely?

Agreed. It carries as much actual newsworthiness as Bush's "Axis of Evil" speech. Giving it attention only lends it legitimacy.

Fass, vifil yor er iz gegangn oyf di fis zol er geyn af di hent un di iberike zol er zikh sharn oyf di hintn.

(Fass, as many years as he’s walked on his feet, let him walk on his hands, and for the rest of the time he should crawl along on his ass.)

Is that a curse or a blessing?