NationStates Jolt Archive

Please post your jokes. I really need to laugh...

Please post your jokes. I really need to laugh...

Sounds like there's a story here, and if there's one thing I'm good at, it's pissing people off. So, yeah, not really relevant.

Anywho, have a laugh at this.

Things you would like to say at work:

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit!

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

13. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

14. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

15. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

16. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

17. And your cry-baby whiny opinion would be what?

18. Do I look like a people person?

19. This isn't an office. It is hell with fluorescent lighting.

20. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

21. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

23. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

24. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

25. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

26. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

27. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

28. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.

29. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

30. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I only wanted a paycheck.

Not originally mine, but it's pure gold.


1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all
the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and
without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is
a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death,
his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and
threw the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides
of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the
world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money
and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example
of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise
Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two
cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater
and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They
believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.
This ruined Booth's career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical
compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on
an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the
present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling
for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by
machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring
up. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a
naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."
_____

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a
water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen
another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was
chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you
are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both
three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a
minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the
bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and
immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of
the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all
the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it
and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was
asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked
for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I
wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that
the bear was gay."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that
the bear was gay."

LMAO!!:D

West Virginia.

-snip-

The first one was glorious, but the second one was "meh".

West Virginia.
ROFLMAO!!

ROFLMAO!!
:cool:
Silly Secessionists.

:cool:
Silly Secessionists.
Thanks... I guess:D