NationStates Jolt Archive

Sometimes reducto ad absurdum is the best approach to making complicated things like political science and economics ( "The Dismal Science" ) understandable. ( No, I did not make these up, I got them in an email! )


Democrat: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

Republican: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

Socialist: You have two cows. The government takes one ane gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

Communist: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

Capitalism, American Style: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

Bureaucracy, American Style: You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

American Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself, and do an IPO on the second one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

German Corporation: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

Italian Corporation: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

Russian Corporation: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Russian Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

Taliban Corporation: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

Iraqi Corporation: You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

Polish Corporation: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

Belgian Corporation: You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

Florida Corporation: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

California Corporation: You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

As old as time itself.

And one I made up myself:

NS General Corporation: You have two cows, one a gay, republican, unitarian male, and one a straight, democratic, catholic female. After years of debate, you convince others on NS to help you run them both as US Presidential candidates. Voters have so much trouble trying to decide for which cow to vote, the entire electoral process implodes and Max Barry takes over the US Government by default.

And one I made up myself:

NS General Corporation: You have two cows, one a gay, republican, unitarian male, and one a straight, democratic, catholic female. After years of debate, you convince others on NS to help you run them both as US Presidential candidates. Voters have so much trouble trying to decide for which cow to vote, the entire electoral process implodes and Max Barry takes over the US Government by default.

I'm not sure of that's right... Hmmm...

NS GeneralYou have two cows, one a gay, republican, unitarian male, and one a straight, democratic, catholic female. However, neither cow is milked due to long running debates on if the cows can marry, carry a gun, practice their religion (or should have one), and if or not they were designed as cows or evolved as cows. This goes on for years, with many articles submited, till Lunatic Goofballs suggests that the cows are better off as hamburgers and the argument swings to how to cook them and what toppings are best. The Mods then make the cows into spam and we get two new cows and repeat the process.

Yeah... that's about right. ;)

NS GeneralYou have two cows, one a gay, republican, unitarian male, and one a straight, democratic, catholic female. However, neither cow is milked due to long running debates on if the cows can marry, carry a gun, practice their religion (or should have one), and if or not they were designed as cows or evolved as cows. This goes on for years, with many articles submited, till Lunatic Goofballs suggests that the cows are better off as hamburgers and the argument swings to vegetarianism and how it's cruel to kill animals for food. The Mods then make the cows into spam and two new cows are spontaneously created by people who don't know what the phrase 'flogging a dead horse' means and the process is repeated.

Italics are my corrections :p

North Korean Capitalism: You have two cows. The goverment shoots you and confiscates the cows. Milk is banned.

Swiss Capitalism: You have 500 cows, but none is yours: you get payed to take care of other people's cows.

Portuguese Capitalism: You have two cows. Based on your milk consumption, the goverment taxes you 45 cows. You bribe the finance official with the two cows.

(my favorite)
British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.


Hindu capitalsim: You have two cows. You worship them.

British corporation: the cows work in a call centre due to outsourcing you claim benefit

Irish style: the two cows do nothing but fight, drink and hold pointless peace summits which result in more fighting

Soviet Russia: in soviet Russia cow milks you

Soviet Russia: in soviet Russia cow milks you
:D Mein Gott I'd forgotten about those!

Some more, then I'll stop, I promise.

America, under President George W Bush: You have two cows, said cows are labled terrorists and your farm invaded. The cows are given to Halburton under a no-bid contract for "Improvments for milking" and you are sold the milk with the price being $3 more than any other milk.

America, under President Bill Clinton: You did not have sex with your two cows, but it depends upon what 'is' is. There is a big problem with a white stained milk pale, but no one really knows why.

America, under President George HW Bush: You have two cows, President Bush shows up and makes a speech about how he will read your cows lips and how they are part of a million cows across the United States. This does nothing to improve milk production.

America, under President Ronald Regan: The White House annouces that horses are now considered cows.

1) Please tell me what someone from Japan would understand about American politics.

2) Don't disrespect the dead. RIP President Reagan.

3) I love these cow posts. Capitalism, American style is also known as Texan :D

2) Don't disrespect the dead. RIP President Reagan.

One of the joys of NS is that we are actually allowed to disrespect the dead - gloating over the fact that they are dead is borderline though, depeding upon how recently they deceased.

Anarchism: You have two cows. You claim they can milk themselves.

1) Please tell me what someone from Japan would understand about American politics.

'Tis possible that he is an American currently residing in Japan. Anyway, it's not like foreign politics are hard to figure out, as everyone has the same basic desires, and industrialized nations are dealing with similar issues at the moment. Besides, it's not hard to see how screwed up Bush's foreign policy is.

2) Don't disrespect the dead. RIP President Reagan.

Uh-huh. And how long after their death do we have to wait until we can speak poorly of their policies? Reagan's administration was ridiculous, ineffective, and downright dangerous, and that is true whether its leader is alive or not.

3) I love these cow posts. Capitalism, American style is also known as Texan :D

Here, we are in complete agreement.

Canadian style: You have two cows. You go to great lengths to show that your cows are different from American cows. The American cows outperform your cows and you go to the government for funding. The CBC makes a documentary about you and your cows.

(my favorite)
[B]British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.
Pass the shephard's pie, please.

Romanian Capitalism: You and your neighbour both have a cow. Your cow dies. You kill your neighbour's cow, so now you're even again.

Global Warming Cows: In spite of abundantly clear evidence, people continue to use outdated data and studies from the soy-milk industry to try to prove that the cows don't exist. Others claim it's too early to tell if there are cows or not.

Intelligent Design Cows: Nothing as useful as an animal that produces a useful product for us could have come from the union of a bull and a cow. An unnamed "intelligent designer" gave us the cows.

Bushland Cows: Bush doesn't care about cows...until he realizes that butter is a kind of oil. Evidence is "found" to show that the cows are developing weapons.

Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. Then you have a big BBQ and charge to eat it. You have two cows and one bull. You build another herd of cows. Then you have a big BBQ and charge to eat it. This goes on for years, and you develop an ego that's very large, even for a Texan.

1) Please tell me what someone from Japan would understand about American politics.
I could say something witty about how American politics are about as deep as a mud puddle and about as hard to understand, but instead I'll just mention that I'm an American who is teaching English in Japan and remind you not to assume too much on this forum unless you REALLY like the taste of crow and your own feet.

BTW, many of my Japanese friends here actually follow American politics and know what's going on pretty well, far better than many Americans do Japanese politics.

2) Don't disrespect the dead. RIP President Reagan.
I wasn't, I was just making a parody of the administration that declared ketchup a vegetable. In any case, this is NS, get used to it.

Canadian style: You have two cows. You go to great lengths to show that your cows are different from American cows. The American cows outperform your cows and you go to the government for funding. The CBC makes a documentary about you and your cows.
Funny

British Columbian Style: You have two cows. You cut back the amount of feed they eat. When the cow starts to become malnurished, you take away the cow's ability to die. You tell everyone that the cows now produce more milk than they did for their original owners even though the government is providing you enough milk for you to profit.

I was just making a parody of the administration that declared ketchup a vegetable. In any case, this is NS, get used to it.
LOL! I remember that, but since tomatoes are technically berries, katchup would technically be a fruit, yes? :D

LOL! I remember that, but since tomatoes are technically berries, katchup would technically be a fruit, yes? :D

Technically, yes. But, in that vein, what are coconuts....fruit or nuts? How ya doing? When did you get back?

Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a steer, and build a herd of cows. Then you have a big BBQ and charge to eat it. You have two cows and one steer. You build another herd of cows. Then you have a big BBQ and charge to eat it. This goes on for years, and you develop an ego that's very large, even for a Texan.

Where are you finding these prolific steers?

Where are you finding these prolific steers?
Zooooookeeeeeee! *POUNCE* ( Huggle, huggle, huggle! )

Where you BEEN????!!!!!

Where are you finding these prolific steers?

Well now, that's not my life story, so I ain't exactly sure. I just pay to eat the BBQ.:D

Zooooookeeeeeee! *POUNCE* ( Huggle, huggle, huggle! )

Where you BEEN????!!!!!

Sugar hugs all over you. Yahoo time.

Well now, that's not my life story, so I ain't exactly sure. I just pay to eat the BBQ.:D

Steers are neutered...bulls make the babies.

Technically, yes. But, in that vein, what are coconuts....fruit or nuts? How ya doing? When did you get back?
Um .... would you believe, nuts?? Ya think? I mean 'cause they do sorta call 'em coconuts, yes? Duh! :D

Um .... would you believe, nuts?? Ya think? I mean 'cause they do sorta call 'em coconuts, yes? Duh! :D

Yes, but they don't meet the "nut" requirements.

Eut go to yahoo. I lost my cell phone, so I don't have your number to call you on my new phone. I'm dying to hear how you are.:confused:

Yes, but they don't meet the "nut" requirements.
Oh? Do tell! Heh!

BTW ... I got out of the hospital on Friday morning and don't feel bad at all; just a bit of discomfort from the staples they put in ya these days and from the damned Foley catheter they're going to make me wear for about two more weeks! GROAN!

You have two TGs.

Steers are neutered...bulls make the babies.

Well, I'll go back and change it to bulls since that what it seems like your aiming for.

Well, I'll go back and change it to bulls since that what it seems like your aiming for.
Thank you. I was raised on a cattle ranch and little things like that make a difference to me. :p

Thank you. I was raised on a cattle ranch and little things like that make a difference to me. :p

Ah. Personally I don't look in-depth at the semantic correctness of stuff I write in fun/joke threads. Of course I scrutinize heavily the legislation I write for the UN, but to me that's a different writing context and subject that requires more thoroughness. That's just my personal approach. *shrug*

LOL! I remember that, but since tomatoes are technically berries, katchup would technically be a fruit, yes? :D
Damn it, Eutrusca, now I'm going to be up all night trying to figure that one out! :D

Yes, but they don't meet the "nut" requirements.

Coconuts aren't nuts and steers don't have nuts. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

BTW, Coconuts are droops, I believe, like almonds and peaches.

Australia: You have two kangaroos.....

Funny

I thought so.

British Columbian Style: You have two cows. You cut back the amount of feed they eat. When the cow starts to become malnurished, you take away the cow's ability to die. You tell everyone that the cows now produce more milk than they did for their original owners even though the government is providing you enough milk for you to profit.

Saskatchewan style: You have two cows. Then you realize that your government would like to seize your cows and make you wait in line for expensive and sour milk. You move to Alberta.

Divorce: You HAD two cows, now your ex-wife has one. You have to give her one cow every month for the rest of your life. You die alone and homeless, not to mention cowless.

Surrealism: You have a giraffe and a wombat, but no milk. You paint a picture of the giraffe and wombat mating to produce a sperm whale. With the money you get from selling this painting, you intend to buy milk, but are sidetracked by a lobster on a telephone.

China: You can only have one cow.

Australia: You have two kangaroos.....
Ooooo! [ sits down to watch ] :D

Divorce: You HAD two cows, now your ex-wife has one. You have to give her one cow every month for the rest of your life. You die alone and homeless, not to mention cowless.
Ouch! Damn, am I glad I didn't bother getting a divorce! :D

Surrealism: You have a giraffe and a wombat, but no milk. You paint a picture of the giraffe and wombat mating to produce a sperm whale. With the money you get from selling this painting, you intend to buy milk, but are sidetracked by a lobster on a telephone.
:eek: :confused: [ begins talking to walls, small animals and deceased dictators. ]

Homosexual: You have two lesbian cows and two gay bulls. Your right-wing neighbor tells you that homosexuals can't reproduce. You are befuddled for a second, then you artificially enseminate the cows.

China: You can only have one cow.
Matrix:

You have two cows. You teach them how to control the Matrix. They decide there is no milk. You recoup your original investment by teaching them to "fetch" through digitized bank vault walls.

Don't disrespect the dead. RIP President Reagan.
Why not? I don't see how stopping thinking ill of somebody purely because they've died is anything other than a particularly mealy mouthed form of hypocrisy.

Why not? I don't see how stopping thinking ill of somebody purely because they've died is anything other than a particularly mealy mouthed form of hypocrisy.
Think ill all you like. It's when you speak ill of the dead that it's questionable, since they're no longer around to defend themselves, being ... you know, like dead and all. :p

Think ill all you like. It's when you speak ill of the dead that it's questionable, since they're no longer around to defend themselves, being ... you know, like dead and all. :p
I'm not having that. If it's acceptable to speak ill of somebody while they're still breathing, it doesn't suddenly pass beyond the pale because they've croaked. It's not like Reagan was in the habit of clearly and elegantly debunking accusations of being stupid while he was alive, is it?
Besides, if speaking ill of the dead is out of order, perhaps everybody should concentrate on the fact that Mussolini made the trains run on time and Hitler brought Germany out of the great depression rather than harping on about genocide all the time...

I'm not having that. If it's acceptable to speak ill of somebody while they're still breathing, it doesn't suddenly pass beyond the pale because they've croaked. It's not like Reagan was in the habit of clearly and elegantly debunking accusations of being stupid while he was alive, is it?
Besides, if speaking ill of the dead is out of order, perhaps everybody should concentrate on the fact that Mussolini made the trains run on time and Hitler brought Germany out of the great depression rather than harping on about genocide all the time...
( shrug ) my post was simply by way of explanation, not a directive from the Politbureau. :)

( shrug ) my post was simply by way of explanation, not a directive from the Politbureau. :)
Fair enough. I just find this assumption that it's no longer acceptable to mention a corpse's faults because they're dead sickening. It really is hypocritical nonsense.

Fair enough. I just find this assumption that it's no longer acceptable to mention a corpse's faults because they're dead sickening. It really is hypocritical nonsense.
Indeed it is. However, it's going to stay that way until you overthrow society. I'd help you, but, well, as Trexia said, I'm lazy.

man, I love these cow thingies. Cookies for bringer of cow jokes!

Ann Coulter:
Yes, President Bush has two cows. So what? If Al Gore had two cows, the liberal press would praise it on the front pages of every paper every day. But instead, because of their hatred for all things Bush, they insinuate that these cows were the product of some shady deals involving Enron. If these cows were gay or Muslim, the liberals would be all for them; instead, since they're just white Christian cows, the liberals want to destroy America.

Fair enough. I just find this assumption that it's no longer acceptable to mention a corpse's faults because they're dead sickening. It really is hypocritical nonsense.

I think it's perfectly fine to bring up the faults of the deceased...just not at their funeral. As this isn't Reagan's funeral, all's fair.

And declaring ketchup to be a vegetable was an asshat move, you have to admit.

I think it's perfectly fine to bring up the faults of the deceased...just not at their funeral. As this isn't Reagan's funeral, all's fair.

And declaring ketchup to be a vegetable was an asshat move, you have to admit.
Dead right. He was the first to introduce trickle down theory and sucking up to the Religious right into American politics as well, wasn't he?

Dead right. He was the first to introduce trickle down theory and sucking up to the Religious right into American politics as well, wasn't he?

No on the economics. Trickle-down was just a retread of classical economics, courtesy of Adam Smith, the father of capitalism himself.

as well as a host of other things I am against.

Although he also gets unfairly attacked alot. Especially on the religion topic.

John Kerry: Butchered the two cows before he decided not too butcher them.

Not to mention the little problem of almost STARTING A NUCLEAR WAR with his idiotic arms buildup.

Microsoft: You have two cows. Your neighbor, Gill Bates, steals a copy of your cows' DNA and makes two retarded clones who produce sour milk. People buy the milk because it also has little sparkles in it. Bate then goes on to buy a whole lot of cows, many of which are just as retarded as his first ones, and profits off of the few, few healthy cows. He loudly yells about how inferior your cows are, when your cows are the superior originals.

John Kerry: Butchered the two cows before he decided not too butcher them.

Yes, but most partisans are to lazy to realize that they were different cows...

Ann Coulter:
Yes, President Bush has two cows. So what? If Al Gore had two cows, the liberal press would praise it on the front pages of every paper every day. But instead, because of their hatred for all things Bush, they insinuate that these cows were the product of some shady deals involving Enron. If these cows were gay or Muslim, the liberals would be all for them; instead, since they're just white Christian cows, the liberals want to destroy America.
hehehe! :D