NationStates Jolt Archive

Ok, so I am twelve years old, and I'm writing at an advanced level. So I started writing a book after my talent of writing, and inspirations from my deceased aunt - she's a poet.
The book is really, really, violent and you will experience the cold-heart of a killer.
My book is about this man who has lost everything to him and is now living his life as a Hitman. He lost his wife to a couple mobsters, after trying to rescue her *not gonna spoil the first book, it'll be a prequel*. So now he is consumed by darkness and is motivated by revenge. He know the mobs have allies, so he devotes his life to killing all of them. However, he has trouble with finding them, and at the same time he gets contacted by an Agency, who notices his abilities and what he's doing. They make a deal with him: They provide him with info on all the mob's allies, so he can kill 'em all, but he has to repay them by working as their own assassin.
The plot of this book is that two drug lords, American and Russian, are allies. The Russians are providing the American drug lord with (you guessed it) drugs. They sell them to children, teens, whatever. They just want profit, and build a drug cartel with their Russian allies. The protagonist is sent by the Agency to dispatch the two drug lords. But it's not easy for him.
I'm writing the third book right now. Then the first, then the second, then the fourth. (Wierd order to write in, right?) But the story unfolds more and more during the entire series. With great twists to the story that you will find interesting. :)

Post your comments, ideas, etc.

Sounds interesting. A 4-book series, I see? Describe the setting a little bit more. Is it set in modern times, the future, the past, a kind of alternate reality...?

(A bit like the massive 21-book fantasy series I once wanted to write, and might start someday, but first I want to finish what I'm writing now.)

God, you're twelve?! :eek: Shouldn’t you be playing with Pokemon cards and finding excuses to hit your friends? Shit.

Masturbation causes a teenage boy to die a fast, screaming death of dehydration.
good luck, plan to get published?
you said ideas.

Hm... well, it seems a bit cliche, and reminiscent of things like 'the Punisher', but there's always room for action stories if you can write it well enough, and give it some new twists.

I wish you luck, writing a novel is a considerable exploit.

(A bit like the massive 21-book fantasy series I once wanted to write, and might start someday, but first I want to finish what I'm writing now.)
Czardas, the more you post, the more you seem to be like some twisted clone of me.
WTF? Microsoft Word's spell check recognizes Czardas? :confused: :eek:

God, you're twelve?! :eek: Shouldn’t you be playing with Pokemon cards and finding excuses to hit your friends? Shit.
If I was playing Pokemon, then I wouldn't be playing The Suffering 2 demo many times! :p



Anyways, my time space would be present, the year 2006. The prequel books 1 and 2 would be in 2004 and 2005. The fourth? That would be in super-late 2006, but will progress to '07.

Czardas, the more you post, the more you seem to be like some twisted clone of me.
WTF? Microsoft Word's spell check recognizes Czardas? :confused: :eek:
Funny, I said the same thing about Drache and TNM. How old are you?

And it means some kind of Hungarian dance, I believe... It's the name for one movement of one of Bartók's Piano Sonatas. That's where I got it from. Bartók is teh r0x0r!!!!!1111!1

Hm... well, it seems a bit cliche, and reminiscent of things like 'the Punisher', but there's always room for action stories if you can write it well enough, and give it some new twists.

I wish you luck, writing a novel is a considerable exploit.
It is a little bit like The Punisher, but this book has to do with stealth, and psychology. It doesn't have torture stuff like putting a guy's face into a tank full of pirahnas, but has sheer brutality. And a step into the mind of a cold-hearted man. He can get even more cold-hearted when staring into the face of mobsters and crime lords. :D

The book will explain even more than just his wife's death. No spoilers for today, or ever.

Funny, I said the same thing about Drache and TNM. How old are you?
16
And it means some kind of Hungarian dance, I believe... It's the name for one movement of one of Bartók's Piano Sonatas. That's where I got it from. Bartók is teh r0x0r!!!!!1111!1
Well, that is certainly unique.

16 What an odd coincidence. Me, and one of the people I mentioned, are exactly the same age. :eek:

Does your first name start with the letter "C"?

Well, that is certainly unique.
I agree, it's a tribute to my genius! ;)

16

Well, that is certainly unique.
:respectivly:
Can we get back on topic please?

It is a little bit like The Punisher, but this book has to do with stealth, and psychology. It doesn't have torture stuff like putting a guy's face into a tank full of pirahnas, but has sheer brutality. And a step into the mind of a cold-hearted man. He can get even more cold-hearted when staring into the face of mobsters and crime lords. :D

The book will explain even more than just his wife's death. No spoilers for today, or ever.

And there you have your own twists that will make it unique. :)

:respectivly:
Can we get back on topic please?
Yes, fine.

If you need any help editing, btw, feel free to submit parts of it to me (TG if you want) or Gruenberg so we can tear it apart viciously—er, I mean, edit it. ;)

((Plus if you join my region you can post it for a critique on our regional forum board. Although really you could do this in any region with an offsite forum. ;) ))

If you need any help editing, btw, feel free to submit parts of it to me (TG if you want) or Gruenberg so we can tear it apart viciously—er, I mean, edit it. ;)

That made me laugh. :D

What an odd coincidence. Me, and one of the people I mentioned, are exactly the same age. :eek:

Does your first name start with the letter "C"?
Actually, yes.
:respectivly:
Can we get back on topic please?
Hmm, I shall accompany inanity with constructive impute then.
When you are writing action “scenes” (for lack of a better word I can think of) make sure you have at least two other people read them after. Often, it seems, writers do a fairly bad job of describing fast paced action, because you must keep the reading brisk enough to suggest that everything is happening quickly while being descriptive enough so people don’t lose track of what is going on.

When you are writing action “scenes” (for lack of a better word I can think of) make sure you have at least two other people read them after. Often, it seems, writers do a fairly bad job of describing fast paced action, because you must keep the reading brisk enough to suggest that everything is happening quickly while being descriptive enough so people don’t lose track of what is going on.
Hmm...I'll keep in mind of that! :)

Actually, yes. Ah, there we differ. Mine doesn't. :D

no story is complete without the appropriate use of mercenaries....

It is a little bit like The Punisher, but this book has to do with stealth, and psychology. It doesn't have torture stuff like putting a guy's face into a tank full of pirahnas, but has sheer brutality. And a step into the mind of a cold-hearted man. He can get even more cold-hearted when staring into the face of mobsters and crime lords. :D

The book will explain even more than just his wife's death. No spoilers for today, or ever.

Welcome to the punisher/max payne/El Mariachi/etc. What you've presented does not seem to be very distinct in its core concept from any of these other films. Guy's family dies, guy wants to get revenge, guy ends up killing lots of people in brutal way. Its a typical revenge story, nothing special.

no story is complete without the appropriate use of mercenaries....
:D
Ah, but Hitmen are like mercs - they kill for money.

OOC: That made me laugh. :D
This is an OOC forum, no need to add "OOC" tags to off-topic posts. ;)

:D
Ah, but Hitmen are like mercs - they kill for money.
yah!!!! i like hitmen and mercs... iunno why but they seem more appealing than most other shady characters. plus i got a cool mercenary hat :D

Welcome to the punisher/max payne/El Mariachi/etc. What you've presented does not seem to be very distinct in its core concept from any of these other films. Guy's family dies, guy wants to get revenge, guy ends up killing lots of people in brutal way. Its a typical revenge story, nothing special.
Secifically, it's used to dwell deeper into a mind of an assassin. He carrie out missions, while hunting down different mobs.
The typical stuff like TP and Max Payne focus nearly on one mob, well, not exactly MP, while mine focuses on many. And there is a huge twist that the assassin will encounter when least expected. Stuff like Punisher won't give much explanation about him, but mine does. It also focuses a lot on the protagonist's present, and more importantly: past. His past is essential to the plot, like all are.
I barely think that TP lives up to those requirements.
But I will still be motivated to write the book no matter who criticizes me.

how do u plan for your book to get out? are u posting it on a website or whats gonna happen so that we can read it.
fun fact: The word mercenaries appears in the decloration of independance :p

how do u plan for your book to get out? are u posting it on a website or whats gonna happen so that we can read it.
fun fact: The word mercenaries appears in the decloration of independance :p
Well, I plan to get it finished by mid 2006. I just need to hold back to that year to see what the US and world is like during that year, so it can be as realistic as possible. A few weeks, or a month after it's release, I will give you guys some excerpts. Maybe tonight or tomorrow, I will give you an excerpt of what's finished already. Wich do you perfer: Prologue or Chapter 1? (for an excerpt)

If you get it published, let us know so we can find it.

Also, I'd suggest that you don't publish it until you've finished the whole thing. I started writing a story at 12 and finished it at 14, and between that time my style changed so radically I had to edit the earlier chapters to keep them up-to-date.

If you get it published, let us know so we can find it.

Also, I'd suggest that you don't publish it until you've finished the whole thing. I started writing a story at 12 and finished it at 14, and between that time my style changed so radically I had to edit the earlier chapters to keep them up-to-date.
I'll keep that in mind. ;)

Sounds very pulpy. Definitely not my cup of tea. But I wish you the best. Keep pushing your writing further with each new writing project and you can end up doing this for a living some day if its what you want.

http://www.davidbarrkirtley.com/teenwriter/Contests.html

[QUOTE=LazyHippies]Keep pushing your writing further with each new writing project and you can end up doing this for a living some day if its what you want.
QUOTE]
It's definetly what I want to do for a living (and maybe a part-time videogame journalist)

Secifically, it's used to dwell deeper into a mind of an assassin. He carrie out missions, while hunting down different mobs.
Once upon a time in Mexico

The typical stuff like TP and Max Payne focus nearly on one mob, well, not exactly MP, while mine focuses on many. And there is a huge twist that the assassin will encounter when least expected.
Layer cake

Stuff like Punisher won't give much explanation about him, but mine does. It also focuses a lot on the protagonist's present, and more importantly: past. His past is essential to the plot, like all are.
I barely think that TP lives up to those requirements.

Your kidding me right? You know the sole reason why the punisher does what he does is because of his past. It is the most important part of his character. Your concept is not unique thats all that I've been saying. You could write an amazing book for all I know but its still going to go in a genre full of other books. Whats going to make it stand out against all the other books that claim the same things you do?


But I will still be motivated to write the book no matter who criticizes me.
Thats great and I encourage you to write your book and see how it turns out. I'm just saying that the plot as you've described it is nothing special.

Thats great and I encourage you to write your book and see how it turns out. I'm just saying that the plot as you've described it is nothing special.
Are there really any original plots?

Almost all plots follow one of the following schemes:

1) Someone goes on a journey. *
2) A stranger comes to town.
3) Boy meets girl/any variant of the traditional love story.

Alternately, they incorporate elements of each. This story's plot line is marked by an asterisk (I didn't say a literal journey, did I? ;))

Once upon a time in Mexico


Layer cake


Your kidding me right? You know the sole reason why the punisher does what he does is because of his past. It is the most important part of his character. Your concept is not unique thats all that I've been saying. You could write an amazing book for all I know but its still going to go in a genre full of other books. Whats going to make it stand out against all the other books that claim the same things you do?



Thats great and I encourage you to write your book and see how it turns out. I'm just saying that the plot as you've described it is nothing special.
Well, at least you were nice enough to encourage me. But, seriously, I can try to make it unique as possible. And the only close thing my book is related to TP is the brutality. I didn't get my other ideas from that no matter how similar they are.

[snip]

Hey genius, did you miss the part where he said he was 12? STFU and stop picking on little kids. Hes writing above his level to begin with and the fact that he is more interested in the mind of the character than the action puts him significantly above the level of a 12 year old. Yes, its pulp fiction, but pulp paperbacks do sell, there is a market for them and he is already a small step beyond that level by looking inwardly more than outwardly. Which means he is on the fast track to being a mature writer. So quit picking on the little guy cus it doesnt make him look bad, it makes you look like an asshole.

Hey genius, did you miss the part where he said he was 12? STFU and stop picking on little kids. Hes writing above his level to begin with and the fact that he is more interested in the mind of the character than the action puts him significantly above the level of a 12 year old. Yes, its pulp fiction, but pulp paperbacks do sell, there is a market for them and he is already a small step beyond that level by looking inwardly more than outwardly. Which means he is on the fast track to being a mature writer. So quit picking on the little guy cus it doesnt make him look bad, it makes you look like an asshole.
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...thanks!!

Hey genius, did you miss the part where he said he was 12? STFU and stop picking on little kids. Hes writing above his level to begin with and the fact that he is more interested in the mind of the character than the action puts him significantly above the level of a 12 year old. Which means he is on the fast track to being a mature writer. So quit picking on the little guy cus it doesnt make him look bad, it makes you look like an asshole.
Although I'm sure Helghan appreciates your defense, he can't be quite as proud of either your use of age or flaming in that defense. First of all, age has nothing to do with writing ability. If you're a good writer at the age of 12, the important thing is that you're a good writer, not that you're 12 (believe me, if anyone knows this it's me... I can't tell you more as I don't like to reveal my identity online...). Second of all, there are a lot of "mature" writers who don't focus all too much on the mind of the character. Look at the guy who put up this site for us, for example, and read a bit of Jennifer Government. It's half setting, half action, all satire—not too much focus on the mind. And I'm sure there are a lot of other books out there I could name.

[/rants]

<snip>
I'm giving the kid my honest opinion. He wanted feedback and I've given him my point of view. I never said your book sucks stop writting it. I've only said the concept is not unique. And if the kid can't take this kind of criticism online then I have no clue how he will deal with what the publishing industry does. But he's show so far that he can take the criticism without exploding and I applaud him for that. There was no need for your post.

It is a little bit like The Punisher, but this book has to do with stealth, and psychology. It doesn't have torture stuff like putting a guy's face into a tank full of pirahnas, but has sheer brutality. And a step into the mind of a cold-hearted man. He can get even more cold-hearted when staring into the face of mobsters and crime lords. :D

The book will explain even more than just his wife's death. No spoilers for today, or ever.


Only one small suggestion, DO NOT take it to and from school with you! Keep it in a very very safe place where no one will start in on how you might have some kind of mental problem because you are writeing a violent book. Don't talk to people around you about it either for the same reason. Young people who have done works of art that have violence in them have wound up being messed with, and assumed to be dangerous whether they in fact were or were not.

oh just for the record, no book is entirely unique, the plot won't be unique, theres only about 63 basic plots out there, but unique use of language, in dialogue and description, good research, and makeing your characters believable will make it good.
Actually I was going to say the idea was a little like the 100 Bullets seris, which I really like.

reminds me of a cross between hitman video games and the punisher

Although I'm sure Helghan appreciates your defense, he can't be quite as proud of either your use of age or flaming in that defense. First of all, age has nothing to do with writing ability. If you're a good writer at the age of 12, the important thing is that you're a good writer, not that you're 12 (believe me, if anyone knows this it's me... I can't tell you more as I don't like to reveal my identity online...). Second of all, there are a lot of "mature" writers who don't focus all too much on the mind of the character. Look at the guy who put up this site for us, for example, and read a bit of Jennifer Government. It's half setting, half action, all satire—not too much focus on the mind. And I'm sure there are a lot of other books out there I could name.

[/rants]

Age has a great deal to do with writing ability because like everything else, it is something that you hone with experience. Mozart may have been playing to royalty when he was 12 but it wasnt until he was an adult that his skills were honed to the point that he could compose masterpieces like Don Giovanni, The Marriage of Figaro, or the Requiem. If he is a good writer now, he will be a great writer as he gains experience.

I didnt mean to imply that focusing on a character's mind is what makes good writing. I only meant that this work has something that elevates it slightly above the pulp level. This is significant because it shows a maturity in writing that is uncommon in someone of that age.

reminds me of a cross between hitman video games and the punisher
I really love the Hitman series. It rocks! I also got a little bit of inspiration from that game too - to come clean. Just the dark mood of it and the awesome abilities to dispatch victims, was my inspi...whatever, from it.

I really love the Hitman series. It rocks! I also got a little bit of inspiration from that game too - to come clean. Just the dark mood of it and the awesome abilities to dispatch victims, was my inspi...whatever, from it.

very fun games indeed and so is the punisher just for sheer primal brutality

very fun games indeed and so is the punisher just for sheer primal brutality
LOL

Is this a comedy, because it sort of sounds like one?

Is this a comedy, because it sort of sounds like one?
What's funny then?

hmm.. i tried to write a script "scream 4" but i gave up when i thought "this is stupid."

and this one time, after watching a show on Discovery Channel about the Donner Party i started writing a story.. but i lost intrest 20 minutes into it..

anyways.. good luck with the writing, sounds like an intresting movie that guy that smokes too much would talk about durring a commercial

Are there really any original plots?

Almost all plots follow one of the following schemes:

1) Someone goes on a journey. *
2) A stranger comes to town.
3) Boy meets girl/any variant of the traditional love story.

Alternately, they incorporate elements of each. This story's plot line is marked by an asterisk (I didn't say a literal journey, did I? ;))
Original plots?

Just to throw some stuff out there that was truly radical (I'm including movies, and a little philosophy just to make the point):
1) The Matrix Trilogy
2) Pulp Fiction
3) The Fountainhead
4) Tristam Shandy
5) Critique of Pure Reason
6) Dead Souls
7) The Brothers Karamazov
8) On The Road
9) Walden
10) The Leaves of Grass
11) Catcher in the Rye
12) Faust (Goethe's version)
13) Master and Margarita

There is generic crap, and then there is truly good writing. Is it hard to be unique? Yes. But in the end, combine inspiration and skill (and maybe a touch of insanity), and the result can be beautiful. Finally, if you really do editorial aid, I should be able to help you there, as according to most generic grading tools (Sats, APs) I did pretty well back in the day (790 on the old verbal SAT, and a 5 on AP writing). A word of warning though, some people have had major issues with my writing style due to a tendency to fall into either a Nietzschean rambling or a Bulgakovian absurdity fest.

how did u all suddenly get the little quotes under your names while i was away!!!

how did u all suddenly get the little quotes under your names while i was away!!!
What do you mean?

Hey genius, did you miss the part where he said he was 12? STFU and stop picking on little kids. Hes writing above his level to begin with and the fact that he is more interested in the mind of the character than the action puts him significantly above the level of a 12 year old. Yes, its pulp fiction, but pulp paperbacks do sell, there is a market for them and he is already a small step beyond that level by looking inwardly more than outwardly. Which means he is on the fast track to being a mature writer. So quit picking on the little guy cus it doesnt make him look bad, it makes you look like an asshole.

LazyHippies, you could have gotten the same point across without being insulting/flaming. Nobody here has told Helghan NOT to write his books -- as a matter of fact, all the criticism he's gotten so far will help him. If he really wants to be a writer, then he's going to have to be able to hear criticism. It's not always what we want to hear, but it usually is what we need to hear. What good is it for everyone to pat him on the back and say everything is great when in fact he needs to know what editors are likely to pick at to begin with.

Having had some stories professionally published, having worked in the publishing industry briefly out of college, and have taught creative writing for nearly a decade now, I can say that everything Helghan has heard here so far has merit and bears consideration. He seems intelligent and mature -- robbing him of useful insights in an attempt to 'protect' him is in my eyes the far greater unkindness.

NOT POSTED AS A MODERATOR

Well, I do accept Economic Associates's criticism, LazyHippie's ability to defend young people, and Kataganistan's words on LH's actions. But it's fine if I get criticism and defense at the same time. I did get a little mad when he insulted my creativity and was thankful someone would defend me, but when EA said that he wished me luck, I soon realized that they where just helping me.

So thanks to all three (that I mentioned).

My advice? Re-draft. Re-draft. Re-draft.

If you're anything like most writers you'll be a perfectionist who is never completely happy with your work and can always find ways to improve :p but with each re-draft a story can improve dramatically, especially as you are at an age where you're changing, developing and seeing things from different perspectives.

My other advice is to make sure other people read it. Things that the writer understands may not be explained clearly enough for a reader. You want to make sure your main points are gotten across, the pace is right and also that it's enjoyable. Try and pick people who aren't just going to say "it's great!" but will give fairly harsh but constructive criticism so you can fine tune it all. If you send it off to publishers and they refuse, ask them politely for reasons so that you can improve.

Also, don't give up!

Good luck :)

im a writing a story too, im 17 but its a fantasy i.e. not set in this world but its not scifi. while your story does sound like a familiar line it can still be a good seller if you write it in the right way. take my advice, dont give it to friends and/or family no real critisisms there. >>

omg the synopsis you posted fits that of one of the hitman games, down to a tee i might add, so a bit of a change may be in order.

NOT POSTED AS A MODERATOR
LOL, Kat... You even sound like a mod in your OOC posts... :p

~The Libertarian Concordance of Czardas~
"I hope to Mod I never become one!"

OK, so since no one requested for an excerpt, I decided to give you guys one. The book is under construction but you'll find this a good one. It's from Chapter 1, not the first part of it but a few paragraphs down, so enjoy:


Murder. . .
The word held meaning but no feeling - or emotion, even when imagined screaming from the mouths of wife and child, of them cursing my own existence, I felt nothing.
I know what I was to be experiencing. The others in my trade had oftem spoken of it, yet I wouldn't even endure such confessions and carthasis for what I have done. For nothing can forgive me. That was the begginning of course, when they assumed I was simply another contract killer, that I had shared, or, at least understood some measure of what others were going through. But I wasn't. They underestimated the skills I had,



Well, that's all I can show you because at the end of this excerpt, a spoiler goes on and I don't want to reveal it. Post comments on this after reading it. I would like to know everyone's comments.

Hmmm...

I like the style and tone of that excerpt. It reminds me a little bit of some of the things I write, but a little bit less bitter. (Also, I write invariably in present tense.) Also, keep your commas in place, and keep writing. ;)

Hmmm...

I like the style and tone of that excerpt. It reminds me a little bit of some of the things I write, but a little bit less bitter. (Also, I write invariably in present tense.) Also, keep your commas in place, and keep writing. ;)
:)

With great twists to the story that you will find interesting. :)


Or else, motherfuckers!

:)
Although, responding to posts with a single smiley might not help you improve your writing style to a great degree. :D

Edit: "begginning" is spelled "beginning", and there should be a comma after it: "That was the beginning, of course..."

I thought of something serious to say!:eek:

Shouldn't you get some life experience first? Do you honestly think you can make this convincing at your age? Also, I would suggest that you do not make your pet project the thing you write first. Do some short stories or something (use the same characters or settings or themes if you want) and see what people think of them. That excerpt is far too short to tell anything whatsoever about your skill, talent or style. Out of interest, how long did it take you to write?

It seems almost like it is trying too hard, but then I never could keep my writing in the dark. I invariably break tone (I remember once when I was so proud at how "gritty" I had written this short story, only to go back later and discover that half way in I had started with penis jokes and puns) and the whole things starts becoming unbearably light hearted.

It seems almost like it is trying too hard, but then I never could keep my writing in the dark. I invariably break tone (I remember once when I was so proud at how "gritty" I had written this short story, only to go back later and discover that half way in I had started with penis jokes and puns) and the whole things starts becoming unbearably light hearted.
You need more practice, or just to write more light-hearted stories, IMHO. I need to learn how to write light-hearted stories that aren't silly. Most of my serious works so far are either dark, cynical dramas or dark, cynical comedies, all laced with a healthy portion of philosophy, psychology, and occasionally violence (although I don't rely on this, make it an important thing not to rely on violence as the major plot factor in your story). Everyone has their own style, I guess.

You need more practice, or just to write more light-hearted stories, IMHO.
I think it is a function of having lingering ADHD, I just can't stick with any one genre. A quick visualization would be to imagine having this conversation:

Dave: What was your weekend like?
Bob: I killed my daughter and tossed her body in the trash.
Dave: Oh my god, why?
Bob: I dunno. How was your weekend?
Dave: It was great, me and the wife went to an amusement park.
Bob: Neat, did you go on the such and such ride?

Whatever, I second Heron Warrior-Thingies intelligent statement that it might be better to see a bit more of life. You should at least become very well versed in the sort of weapons that appear in your story because the last thing the world needs is more revolvers with safties in them. (This is amusing because revolvers aren't built with safties, but from time to time the hero will try to fire his gun, which will be clearly listed as a revolver, and discover that the nonexistant safety has thwarted great justice.)

I think it is a function of having lingering ADHD, I just can't stick with any one genre. A quick visualization would be to imagine having this conversation:

Dave: What was your weekend like?
Bob: I killed my daughter and tossed her body in the trash.
Dave: Oh my god, why?
Bob: I dunno. How was your weekend?
Dave: It was great, me and the wife went to an amusement park.
Bob: Neat, did you go on the such and such ride?
That reminds me of Neo Kervoskia's allegory tales for some reason, except his have more philosophy in them.

Although, that is amusing and yes, you could turn it into a viable tale.

I thought of something serious to say!:eek:

Shouldn't you get some life experience first? Do you honestly think you can make this convincing at your age? Also, I would suggest that you do not make your pet project the thing you write first. Do some short stories or something (use the same characters or settings or themes if you want) and see what people think of them. That excerpt is far too short to tell anything whatsoever about your skill, talent or style. Out of interest, how long did it take you to write?
What do you mean by getting some life experience? And I do think it's convincing, especially that this book is a bit psychological and dark, so it should sound like that. I have done some short stories...in 6TH GRADE!! It was supposed to be a folk tale story to make, our own folk tale. The student teacher though it was very original and funny, and after she left to teach at a high school, she had my Language Arts teacher ask if she could use my story to show some high schoolers of my creativity. But comedy and folk tale aren't what I need for my first novel. I need darkness and psychological moods, and I think this excerpt is good. So I don't think I need to have short stories to start with. I already have.
And I think the excerpt is enough to show my skill, unless this is a request for some more excerpts. I would be happy to show you if you want another one.

Well, I guess it's generally a good thing to have some life experience... Then again, I too have written stories (around age 13) that were deemed very powerful, thoughtful, etc., and there is such a thing as early development. When I was 12, I first began to really feel and understand the dark emotions that are figuring more prominently into my stories today, so draw your own conclusions.

However, be prepared that in as few as 3-4 years you will be looking back on what you wrote at this age and thinking, "I wrote THAT?!" I look at my stories from earlier (which everyone thought were great), and then at my current ones, and think, "Now why did I like that story? Why does everyone else like it?"

What do you mean by getting some life experience?

Well, this guy is supposed to have lost his wife, who he loved, right? Have you ever been in love, and lost that person? Have you ever even been in love?

If yoou answer no to the second one, how do you think you can portray the emotions correctly? You will just be dragging out what you've read elsewhere, or making it up as you go along. That isn't going to hold up throughout the entire series that you plan to write. If you have nothing real to draw upon, no personal emotional basis, it will show.

And that goes for every other emotion you think you might need to convey. It will show, and you will be worse off because of it.

I have done some short stories...in 6TH GRADE!!

I'm going to assume you are going to tell me that these short stories qualify you as a master of fiction? And it also appears that you are disparaging of the short fiction art form.

It was supposed to be a folk tale story to make, our own folk tale. The student teacher though it was very original and funny, and after she left to teach at a high school, she had my Language Arts teacher ask if she could use my story to show some high schoolers of my creativity.

Okay, great. And? Is this designed to impress me? As you so rightly point out, this has no bearing on the story you are now trying to write.

But comedy and folk tale aren't what I need for my first novel. I need darkness and psychological moods, and I think this excerpt is good.

I didn't say it wasn't; I said it was too short to tell anything about you. I notice you also avoided telling me how long it took to write. Because anyone can hurl together a decent descriptive passage of that length with four hours and a thesaurus.

So I don't think I need to have short stories to start with. I already have.

Well, okay. If you think one short story that was a folk tale (how long was it, roughly?) counts as experience in the genre, fine. We'll ignore the fact that iit contradicts what you said earlier.

And I think the excerpt is enough to show my skill, unless this is a request for some more excerpts. I would be happy to show you if you want another one.

If you posted more excerpts, I would read them. The thing is, I believe that you need to have something much longer before anything concrete can be said for your skill. In the region of, say, 4 to 6 thousand words.

The other thing was, someone said you ripped the plot more or less wholesale from, I think it was, Hitman2. If that is the case, well, that's not a good first step.

The plot of this book is that two drug lords, American and Russian, are allies. The Russians are providing the American drug lord with (you guessed it) drugs. They sell them to children, teens, whatever. They just want profit, and build a drug cartel with their Russian allies. The protagonist is sent by the Agency to dispatch the two drug lords. But it's not easy for him.
Just something to note, the russians are much more likely to just kill the american and insert their own people. Russian mafiya are nasty fuckers.

@Heron-Marked Warriors:
The thing is, (I know it's just fiction but this could help: )I have always seen these movies where someone lost a loved one and they can't just accept it to just move on. (Except in the movie Pearl Harbor, where the wife just moves on.) I mean come on: How are you supposed to feel if you lossed a loved one?

And no, I do not think I'm a Master of Fiction, absolutely no one can be no matter how good they are. I just said that because you suggested that I write some short stories (which I have).

I never said that you didn't say that I don't need comedy or whatever. I just need dark moods because you'll probably think that I'm just good in funny stories.

My short story was around six-seven pages on notebook paper.

And I will post another, longer, excerpt soon


@Ravenshrike:
Actually, these guys are allies because the American drug mafia is paying them enough money, for drug trades, wich convinces the Russians not kill them. (However, they aren't trying to not get killed, they just want to pay enough money to convince the Russians to give them their drugs and establish a criminal empire with their Russian allies)

@Heron-Marked Warriors:
The thing is, (I know it's just fiction but this could help: )I have always seen these movies where someone lost a loved one and they can't just accept it to just move on. (Except in the movie Pearl Harbor, where the wife just moves on.) I mean come on: How are you supposed to feel if you lossed a loved one?

And no, I do not think I'm a Master of Fiction, absolutely no one can be no matter how good they are. I just said that because you suggested that I write some short stories (which I have).

I never said that you didn't say that I don't need comedy or whatever. I just need dark moods because you'll probably think that I'm just good in funny stories.

My short story was around six-seven pages on notebook paper.

And I will post another, longer, excerpt soon


I realise I'm coming across as a bit of a bastard in this thread. Job done, then.

And I'll look forward to reading that.