NationStates Jolt Archive

Since someone else did it, let me be a copycat and put my own two cents in. This is based on my own experience, as well as a good book I read on the subject that, yes, "changed my life." At any rate, I've found all of these things successful in turning me from a low-average looking, dateless wonder, to a low-average looking guy who gets as many dates as he wants. Honestly, this advice is mainly for the guys, but, with a few small modifications, it probably applies largely to women as well.

1.) Learn how to take rejection. Let's say that you are in a bar. You spot a woman who you feel attracted to. You walk over to where she is sitting, introduce yourself, and offer to buy her a drink. She responds by giving you a dark glare, then turns away. It's obvious that she isn't having any of it. Here's the wrong way to take it:

"Oh, man, I've just been humiliated. What was I thinking? She was way out of my league. I must have really made a fool of myself. She's probably telling all of her friends right now about the creepy loser who just tried to hit on her. I'm always getting shot down. There must be something wrong with me. I feel about an inch tall right now."

Right way:

"Well, that was kind of a rude way for her to respond. Maybe I caught her in a bad mood, or maybe she already has a boyfriend and decided that it was just best to blow me off. Well, if you ask me, she really blew a good shot. I'm glad that I know now, so I don't have to waste anymore time or energy on her and can instead focus on all the women who will want me. I think I'll go see what's on the jukebox."

See the difference? Same rejection, totally different perceptions. You've got to learn to be a little thick skinned if you are going to succeed in dating. Which leads me to my next point...

2.) Dating is a "numbers game." So many guys tend to get focused on one woman and will take it incredibly personally, and get incredibly discouraged if things don't work out. What he is failing to remember is that this one woman isn't all women. Just because this one particular women wasn't into you doesn't mean the next one won't be. You may have to hear some "no's" before you hear a "yes." You may have to ask out ten women before one says yes, and you may have to date ten women before you find one that's a real match. That's fine. Shoot arrows at the target enough times, and, eventually, you'll hit a bullseye.

3.) When asking a woman out, don't think of it as asking her for something; think of it as making her an offer and giving her a chance. Just that subtle shift in attitude makes a HUGE difference. Women aren't generally attracted to men who seem really needy. If she says no, it's no big deal. Don't sniffle and whine or demand to know why she turned you down; she has a right to not want to date you, after all. Just laugh it off, bow out gracefully, and move on to the next one.

4.) You must always be willing to walk away from any relationship, serious, casual, or developing, if you aren't getting what you want from it. One thing I've come to believe is that, when it comes to relationships, women are really, (generally speaking, there are obvious exceptions to this,) the ones who are in control. I believe that this is because they are more willing to end relationships than men are.

If you aren't willing to walk away, then you totally throw yourself at a woman's mercy. She'll know that she has you wrapped around her finger and her respect--and attraction--for you will erode. Be strong enough and confident enough to end relationships that aren't working for you.

I don't care who the woman is; how into her you are, how beautiful you think she is, how perfect for each other you're convinced you are, how you believe that destiny has brought you together, whatever, you need to remember one thing:

SHE'S NOT THE ONLY WOMAN ON THE PLANET! DON'T START ACTING LIKE SHE IS!

Be strong enough and confident enough to walk away.

5.) In the early stages of dating, you should be pursuing more than one woman. Don't put all of your eggs in one basket. Remember the point that I emphatically made about there being more than one woman on the planet? You need to remember that. If you only have one woman on your mind, you'll likely become too intense and weird, and be unable to pursue her in the relaxed, confident manner germane to dating success.

6.) Realize that attraction isn't logical. I believe that it is a myth that women are attracted to jerks precisely because they're jerks. I doubt that women are out there thinking "boy, I really hope I meet a guy who will treat me like garbage and systematically undermine my self esteem." But I also don't think women are out there just looking for a nice guy.

What women are looking for is for sparks to fly. Period. And arrogant jerks, for whatever reason, have a way of making that happen.

Nice guys don't need to emulate jerks in their bad treatment of others, but what they do need to adopt, in order to compete, is the jerk's self-assured, do-it-my-way confidence. Follow the other five points in my little guide, and you'll exude that confidence.

Oh, and one more thing; don't take dating so seriously. Don't get all intense and weird about it and make more out of it than it really is. Just have fun, be willing to try new things, and learn from each interaction with women.

"SHE'S NOT THE ONLY WOMAN ON THE PLANET! DON'T START ACTING LIKE SHE IS!"

"Nice guys don't need to emulate jerks in their bad treatment of others, but what they do need to adopt, in order to compete, is the jerk's self-assured, do-it-my-way confidence. Follow the other five points in my little guide, and you'll exude that confidence."


Confidence, yes. Cockiness, no. Cockiness might get you laid but a brainless twit, but you're not getting anything real. On the other hand, if you're putting of vibes that say: "I'm scared to ask you out!" what you're actually saying is:

1) "I have the maturity of a high-school teen" and 2) "If I can't get the confidence to ask you out, do you think I'm going to have the confidence to stick around when it gets ugly?"

Women need a good lay from time to time, sure, but we're in the dating game for the end result: a husband. We'll date you if you have minor flaws that we think we can fix, but if you're still immature enough to fit in with the high school crowd or so self-righteous that you don't seem to need us, we won't bother.

I have another couple points to make:

1.) Don't necessarily go after the physical. While the first part of attraction is the physical portion, look at her personality. If she has a rotten personality that clashes horribly, and you don't have a snowballs chance in hell with changing your personality to match, end the relationship.

2.) Don't make the relationship physical. While a physical relationship is nice, it isn't really fulfilling and makes you wanting more. Again, a good personality match is important here.

I also have a few points brought up by a popular sorority on campus about what woman want in a guy:

Do's:

Be on time.
Listen.
Good personal Hygene.
Be chivalrous (AKA open doors, make her feel like a princess)

Confidence, yes. Cockiness, no. Cockiness might get you laid but a brainless twit, but you're not getting anything real. On the other hand, if you're putting of vibes that say: "I'm scared to ask you out!" what you're actually saying is:

1) "I have the maturity of a high-school teen" and 2) "If I can't get the confidence to ask you out, do you think I'm going to have the confidence to stick around when it gets ugly?"

Women need a good lay from time to time, sure, but we're in the dating game for the end result: a husband. We'll date you if you have minor flaws that we think we can fix, but if you're still immature enough to fit in with the high school crowd or so self-righteous that you don't seem to need us, we won't bother.

I agree that confidence is better than cockiness, but I also think that cockiness is really just confidence's slightly louder, more obnoxious brother. I've noticed that, despite what they say, a lot of women are, probably against their own will, attracted to cockiness. But I agree that it isn't all about "getting laid."

Now, as for being "so self righteous that you don't seem to need us," remember, I was talking about relationships that aren't satisfying the man's needs or aren't functioning the way that they should. I'm not talking about good, satisfying relationships here. Why would the man want to walk away from a relationship that is giving him what he wants and needs? That would be completely illogical. What I'm talking about are guys who put up with women who really don't respect them, or who withhold sex as a sort of power ploy, or who are frigid, or who are giving them the runaround; leading them on to think that they'll one day have a relationship but keeping the man at arm's length. The man needs to be willing to walk away from a relationship like that. So do women.

Of course, where two people have made a strong commitment, like in a marriage, I'm not suggesting that the man, or, for that matter, the woman, should just go running off the second things aren't exactly the way they'd like them, but--as much as I hate fatalism--it just makes no sense trying to make something work that just isn't meant to be.

Do's:

Be on time.
Listen.
Good personal Hygene.
Be chivalrous (AKA open doors, make her feel like a princess)

Amen!!

There's nothing worse that a man showing up late, parking the passenger door in a mud puddle and staring at your cleavage all night long.

That someone has a name!

*cries*

After all I did for you!

That someone has a name!

*cries*

After all I did for you!

You're right, I should have credited you.

Good pointers, by the way. You gave a lot of good, specific, nuts and bolts advice. I thought I'd just take a broader approach in general attitude and perspective on dating.