NationStates Jolt Archive

I wrote a spoof about Jesus and co. and I got replies from my friends, this was all on MSN Space (dear I mention it here?) any ways, I wanna know your feeling towards what I wrote, t'is below

Crazy, Jesus is the real sinner. He is the one who introduced sinning to the world. The one who did the all the 7 deadly sins. His real father is the Devil; God is only his adopted father. You have to have a stable family to grow up in, but no, not him. His “father” was a god and his mum was a slut. And the angel that visited Joseph is his sleep. That was actually a prostitute and the three wise men were actually women in their late 30’s with nothing else to do, the so-called “trip” was a ride across the lawns on their donkeys because they were fat and white. And that “star”? It was them burning the stable owner’s precious hay. They made his family suffer starvation, almost. At the last second the Devil had some empathy and gave them a stuffed turkey (with some tomato sauce) for nothing. Not even a soul. Contrary to wide-spread belief, all the rooms weren’t booked in Bethlehem, they (Mary and Joseph) were just too stingy to pay even the lowest price. So in reality, the Bible should be called “The Sh!t Book, Full o’ Lots o’ Sh!t about Sh!tty Stingy People.” and then there is my friends respones' joseph!! y da F#(% do u say that?!?!? how dare you! dont you have ANY respect for any christians?!?!r me for that matter...wait u dont...YOU WAIT JOSEPH....im comming back and i REEEEALLY dont think u shud talk crap like this again ok hun? *sweet fake smile* A.Angel ------ joseph u suk poo ----- Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! go the anti christ!, He wants to liberate us!. He's done it before why do you think im not being hung for writing this, it's the anti christ's gift of free speech I love you Satan and Anto Christ, who have almost nothing in common *hugs satan and anti christ* theyre the best friends a boy can have unlike that God guy who keeps trying to opress us. I shall name my son Jesus in spite of him! ---- Ummm Okay...

I wouldn't call this a spoof so much as absurdity. Either way is funny.

Posts like this make me underestimate other, more real objections to Christianity.

Way to kill my immune system, pal. :rolleyes:

Posts like this make me underestimate other, more real objections to Christianity.

Way to kill my immune system, pal. :rolleyes:
Sorry, man. Here have a :fluffle:

At the last second the Devil had some empathy and gave them a stuffed turkey (with some tomato sauce) for nothing.

Sacrilicious, and a bargain!

Who the fuck eats turkey with tomato sauce?

Who the fuck eats turkey with tomato sauce?

Well, duh! The Devil, apparantly.

Well, duh! The Devil, apparantly.

Sounded vile....

Sounded vile....

Well, he's not the source of all evil for nothing.

Who the fuck eats turkey with tomato sauce?
Dunno, but way to ruin a perfectly good tomato sauce :mad:

Feckin poor people & their ego-hunger-trip..

Dunno, but way to ruin a perfectly good tomato sauce :mad:

Feckin poor people & their ego-hunger-trip..
I'm a thirteen year-old boy, what else was I meant to do? Read my fathers porn magazines? (Before you say yes, he doesn't have any) And anyway here everybody seems to use tomato sauce with everything, although my parents never buy it :mad:

Well, funny enough, part of the book of Amos can be interpretted to predict Jesus' coming as some sort of wrathful being bent on destruction.

From Amos 5 -
18 Woe to you who long
for the day of the LORD!
Why do you long for the day of the LORD ?
That day will be darkness, not light.
19 It will be as though a man fled from a lion
only to meet a bear,
as though he entered his house
and rested his hand on the wall
only to have a snake bite him.

20 Will not the day of the LORD be darkness, not light—
pitch-dark, without a ray of brightness?

21 "I hate, I despise your religious feasts;
I cannot stand your assemblies.

22 Even though you bring me burnt offerings and grain offerings,
I will not accept them.
Though you bring choice fellowship offerings, [b]
I will have no regard for them.

23 Away with the noise of your songs!
I will not listen to the music of your harps.

24 But let justice roll on like a river,
righteousness like a never-failing stream!

25 "Did you bring me sacrifices and offerings
forty years in the desert, O house of Israel?

26 You have lifted up the shrine of your king,
the pedestal of your idols,
the star of your god [c]—
which you made for yourselves.

27 Therefore I will send you into exile beyond Damascus,"
says the LORD, whose name is God Almighty.

All in all, Jesus was supposed to be more metal than he actually was. Like, he was supposed to run around beating up old people and eating babies. What the hell happened?!

I'm a thirteen year-old boy, what else was I meant to do? Read my fathers porn magazines? (Before you say yes, he doesn't have any)

Then you need to buy the poor sod some.

Well, you managed to offend me. I'm not sure you should be proud of that sacrilege. Making fun of someone's deeply held religious beliefs is not cool. It just seems like kind of a low blow. Anyways, I'll leave it to God to deal with you.

Well, funny enough, part of the book of Amos can be interpretted to predict Jesus' coming as some sort of wrathful being bent on destruction.

From Amos 5 -


All in all, Jesus was supposed to be more metal than he actually was. Like, he was supposed to run around beating up old people and eating babies. What the hell happened?!

Well, seems to me like you haven't read Revelation which describes Jesus' Second Coming.

I'm a thirteen year-old boy, what else was I meant to do? Read my fathers porn magazines?

Yes!

(Before you say yes, he doesn't have any)

That's cuz he's gay,

And anyway here everybody seems to use tomato sauce with everything, although my parents never buy it :mad:

That's because the Marinara Apocalypse is the breif precursor to the Zombie Apocolypse.

Anyways, I'll leave it to God to deal with you.

Oh, noes! Quick, everyone, act busy!

Well, seems to me like you haven't read Revelation which describes Jesus' Second Coming.

Oh, I have.

But there's no baby-eating. Jesus doesn't even really do much. The Whore of Babylon...now THERE'S going to be a hardcore byotch!

Then again, Revelation was actually just a bunch of symbols for Rome and its fall.

Well, you managed to offend me. I'm not sure you should be proud of that sacrilege. Making fun of someone's deeply held religious beliefs is not cool. It just seems like kind of a low blow. Anyways, I'll leave it to God to deal with you.

I think you should go read some lyrics by the band 'Dark Funeral'

Or by Gorgoroth, either one.

I think you should go read some lyrics by the band 'Dark Funeral'

Or by Gorgoroth, either one.

Psh, nah. Probably not even that heavy; I mean, MERLIN MENSON IS TEH ANTICHRIST OMGz!!!11 GO 2 CHURCHz!!1!11!!11

I don't remember any baby-eating in that passage from Amos you posted. Maybe I just missed it. If you read revelation it describes Jesus as:

"Now I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse. And He who sat on him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and makes war. His eyes were like a flame of fire, and on His head were many crowns. He had a name written that no one knew except Himself. He was clothed with a robe dipped in blood, and His name is called The Word of God. And the armies in heaven, clothed in fine linen, white and clean, followed Him on white horses. Now out of His mouth goes a sharp sword, that with it He should strike the nations. And He Himself will rule them with a rod of iron. He Himself treads the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. And He has on His robe and on His thigh a name written:

KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS."

Revelation 19:11-16

get Life You Moron !!!!

"In the dungeon so cold, sits the Nazarene son.
His eyes filled with tears, his soul with fear.
Asking himself, where is my god now?
Preacher of lies, soon to be nailed.
Hail murder, your god of filth wont help you now.
Hail murder, soon to meet the evil one.

Carry your cross, to your own doom.
Meet the people's hatred.
You will die amongst the dirt, where you belong.

Christian blood soon will cover the ground.
As I drive the nails of evil, deep inside.
A crucified whore, that's what you are.
The only crown you have, is one made of thorns.

Hail Murder, your god of filth wont help you now.
Hail murder, soon you to meet the evil one.
Hail murder, as the nails are hammered in deep.
Hail murder, I am the spear in his side.

Carry your cross, to your own doom.
Meet the people's hatred.
You will die amongst the dirt, where you belong.

The demons fly high, they circle above.
Waits for his blood to stop flow, and to collect his soul.
The lord of lies, soon to die.
Thousand of years of pain await.

Hail Murder, your god of filth wont help you now.
Hail murder, soon you to meet the evil one.
Hail murder, as the nails are hammered in deep.
Hail murder, I am the spear in his side. "

"Angels weep, as they slowly sink down the spears.
Their kingdom is gone, now ruled by the cloven hooves.
Once again the Nazarene whore is nailed,
But this time no devotees are left behind."

See, Bryce Crusader States? What he wrote really isn't that bad...

get Life You Moron !!!!

The cereal? I like that cereal, it's good and yummy.

Seriously, yeah....

get Life You Moron !!!!

Notice the grammatical error, the superfluous formatting (removed here), the inconsistent capitalisation, and not to mention the redundant exclamation points. The irony of the message that was to be delivered should become apparent.

I don't remember any baby-eating in that passage from Amos you posted. Maybe I just missed it. If you read revelation it describes Jesus as:

"Now I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse. And He who sat on him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and makes war. His eyes were like a flame of fire, and on His head were many crowns. He had a name written that no one knew except Himself. He was clothed with a robe dipped in blood, and His name is called The Word of God. And the armies in heaven, clothed in fine linen, white and clean, followed Him on white horses. Now out of His mouth goes a sharp sword, that with it He should strike the nations. And He Himself will rule them with a rod of iron. He Himself treads the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. And He has on His robe and on His thigh a name written:

KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS."

Revelation 19:11-16

There wasn't any baby-eating; 'twas a joke.

But it's still not hardcore enough.

Besides, an old Israelite tradition was that, when nations went to battle, their gods did as well. In theory, because the Babylonians conquered the southern kingdom of Judah in 587 BCE (the northern kingdom had been conquered by the Asyrians years before, meaning that YHWH was pretty badly wounded), Marduk beat out YHWH. Techncally, "God" has been dead for 2592 years. Sorry about that.

{Snip}

See, Bryce Crusader States? What he wrote really isn't that bad...

Regardless, all blasphemy against God is bad whether it's not quite as bad does not matter in my opinion.

There wasn't any baby-eating; 'twas a joke.

But it's still not hardcore enough.

Besides, an old Israelite tradition was that, when nations went to battle, their gods did as well. In theory, because the Babylonians conquered the southern kingdom of Judah in 587 BCE (the northern kingdom had been conquered by the Asyrians years before, meaning that YHWH was pretty badly wounded), Marduk beat out YHWH. Techncally, "God" has been dead for 2592 years. Sorry about that.

If you read what the prophets said about it. The facts are that YHWH had deserted them because they had gone away from his teachings. All the invasions were seen as Punishment from YHWH, not Marduk defeating YHWH. I don't think it was an Old Israelite Tradition as much as an Old Middle Eastern Tradition. When they faced defeat at the hands of their enemies they thought YHWH was punishing them.

If you read what the prophets said about it. The facts are that YHWH had deserted them because they had gone away from his teachings. All the invasions were seen as Punishment from YHWH, not Marduk defeating YHWH. I don't think it was an Old Israelite Tradition as much as an Old Middle Eastern Tradition. When they faced defeat at the hands of their enemies they thought YHWH was punishing them.


Yes, that's true. But I just like to point out my little "theory" every now and then for giggles. However, it was a belief shared by the people of the "Near East" (Sinai, Judah, Israel, etc.) that the gods could do battle. If my "theory" were true, Marduk would've been destroyed by the Greek gods, then (I think) by the Romans, who later decided to switch to worshipping the dead hunk of godmeat that was YHWH's corpse.

I only look into these things because I'm currently taking an Intro to the Old Testament course. It's quite fun, actually; my mother encouraged it because she thought it would bring me back to the church, but now I'm just finding more reasons to stay away. Oh well.

I wouldn't call this a spoof so much as absurdity. Either way is funny.

Agreed, spoof would be along the lines of the Church of the Invisible Pink Unicorn or possibly Landover Baptist. To spoof you need to poke fun at the characteristics of a person or thing, not just mix in absurbity and swearing.

I'll give you a B for effort though. Have a cookie.