NationStates Jolt Archive

I have noticed it more in the last few years but I think it has probibly been around for a while.

It goes (according to TV and movies) that on the third date you have sex.

Now it may be because I am a Christian who believes in waiting until you are married, but isn't that a little soon in the relationship?

It seems problematic to me, that is to dictate when you sleep with someone by how many dates you have been on, I mean what is a 'date' and what isn't and what if after the third date you don't want to sleep with them, if you follow the third date rule then don't you have to? j/k

What really bothers me about it is the idea that time has anything to do with major life descisions like whether or not to sleep with someone or whether or not to marry someone.
It's like if you have invested a certain amount of time you are "locked in" to what you should do after that.

I don't know how many times I have heard couples tell me when I asked them why they got married "it seemed like the next logical step"

how's this there is no 'next logical step' ?

what do you think?? am I upset over nothing? or is the third date rule ruining everything?

well it depends how far apart the dates are doesnt it?the third date could well be years into the relationship.

I thought you were supposed to kiss them on the third date.

I thought you were supposed to kiss them on the third date.
.

There's a third date rule? Weird. (side note: I really miss the old smileys before the jolt servers)

I thought you were supposed to kiss them on the third date.
that is the same type of thing, I mean why have a set time at all when you are supposed to do something.

Now it may be because I am a Christian who believes in waiting until you are married, but isn't that a little soon in the relationship?

Hilarity.

What really bothers me about it is the idea that time has anything to do with major life descisions like whether or not to sleep with someone or whether or not to marry someone.

HILARITY

what do you think?? am I upset over nothing? or is the third date rule ruining everything?

Yes, this is maddenly stupid.

. I'm naïve and horribly misinformed, aren't I? :(

well it depends how far apart the dates are doesnt it?the third date could well be years into the relationship.
then what constitutes a date?

I've never dated anyone with that kind of rule its usually after 1st date if it all goes well ;)

then what constitutes a date?
fecked if i know,never been on one.i think<<<<<as i type that i am pretty sure i havent,but put it in to prevent 'how do you know you havent if you dont know what it is' replies

I've never dated anyone with that kind of rule its usually after 1st date if it all goes well ;)
I am not really worried about when people choose to sleep with others( unless it is my kid and then I am very worried)

I am more worried about why I just think that following an arbitrary rule (on the third date) is dumb if not dangerous.

Dude their arent "rules" your supposed to follow, at least I dont... Most people just go with the flow you know, and it really depends on the girl your with. Personally I just do what I feel in the moment, and if she goes with it great if not...well there are more girls to go out with. (not trying to be arrogant or anything)

Well, I'm two dates into my current, er, love interest, with another planned this weekend. The third one will be coffee. I doubt it'll be anything more. (Well, maybe a kiss. We'll see.)

There's a third date rule? Weird. (side note: I really miss the old smileys before the jolt servers)
yeah I know. google it. turns out it is generally accepted.

it just gets weirder and weirder doesn't it.

ive never been a big dater myself but this is exactly what a female friend told me 25 years ago. so its not new

by the 3rd date you should know if you LIKE someone well enough to have sex with them. as if sex is simply a matter of LIKE.

i see the whole thing as a big reason why people have really crappy relationships and dont seem to know why. too many of them jump into an intimate relationship with someone they barely know and begin to assume things about each other with no real justification.

and yes, way too many people decide to get married well after the "magic" of their physical relationship has passed but they are too lazy to move on to someone better for them.

No, as a certain incredibly accurate dating guide once told me:
"At the end of the third date, the man is allowed to kiss the lady's gloved hand under a streetlight."
And I feel that that is exactly the way things should be.
I also think that we need to stop letting corpses be so slutty. The next funeral I go to where they try to tempt me with the forbidden offerings in the coffin I just might not wait till after everyone has gone home.

yeah I know. google it. turns out it is generally accepted.

it just gets weirder and weirder doesn't it. It might exist, indeed. I care not what they do. Let them. They can make the choice to violate themselves and each other. (I'm going to leave now; I appear to be on the "moody-cynic" phase of my mental cycle)

I've never had sex with anybody I hadn't been dating for a number of months...

I'm not really much for casual sex, though I see the advantages of it. I'm not really that kind of girl though.

Dude their arent "rules" your supposed to follow, at least I dont... Most people just go with the flow you know, and it really depends on the girl your with. Personally I just do what I feel in the moment, and if she goes with it great if not...well there are more girls to go out with. (not trying to be arrogant or anything)
no thats not arrogant thats sad

that implies that your standard for a girl to date more than once is "one who will let me do whatever i want to her"

i hope you have more self respect than that.

The third date rule is an excellent idea. It gives the guy a fair idea of the expected layout before getting sex, and therefore allows him to be better calculate the expected R.O.I., given the element of certainty that it brings to the transaction.

It also decreases the scope of action for dinner whores.

Unfortunately, it is only customary.

You're getting this info from TV and movies? Methinks you're a bit impressionable much.

I also think that we need to stop letting corpses be so slutty. The next funeral I go to where they try to tempt me with the forbidden offerings in the coffin I just might not wait till after everyone has gone home.

Not in California though. If I remember correctly, they banned that.

That's absolutely ridiculous. I've never heard of such a thing.

Then again, I don't even believe in love, so I never saw any reason to.

You're getting this info from TV and movies? Methinks you're a bit impressionable much.
all my information no. and I have heard it elsewhere many times.

I was pointing out that it seems to be generally accepted in TV and movies over the last 5 years or so, which sadly is where many children get their only exposure to social rules.

It isnt sad really as Im not planning to marry or be seriuos with any of these girls. I have always respected by "official" girlfriends, its that right now Im out for fun not a long-term relationship. Besides most girls today tend to get carried away when their out in the clubs or pubs, I know society has really taken a turn for the worse so I just go with the flow.

no thats not arrogant thats sad

that implies that your standard for a girl to date more than once is "one who will let me do whatever i want to her"

i hope you have more self respect than that.
i hope girls have more self respect than too go out with him.unless ive missed the point completely you dont go out with someone for the sex side of things,thats just a bonus,you do it cos you like them and like bein with them.

There are no rules.

I ve bee saying it for years societies going down the drain. if this is how guys feel well no wonder, man.

No, as a certain incredibly accurate dating guide once told me:
"At the end of the third date, the man is allowed to kiss the lady's gloved hand under a streetlight."
And I feel that that is exactly the way things should be.
I agree! My hubby and I, busy science students, never went on dates. We just hung out at college. Now we hang out at college and at home. He kissed my hand once, two months after we were "together" and about a year after I met him. *nods*
I also think that we need to stop letting corpses be so slutty. The next funeral I go to where they try to tempt me with the forbidden offerings in the coffin I just might not wait till after everyone has gone home.
LMAO...I've only been to funerals of old people, so they weren't really, ahem, slutty.

I'm naïve and horribly misinformed, aren't I? :(
No, that's the third date rule I've heard of as well.

i hope girls have more self respect than too go out with him.unless ive missed the point completely you dont go out with someone for the sex side of things,thats just a bonus,you do it cos you like them and like bein with them.
its easy for a girl with self respect to avoid him as he wont date her a second time after she turns him down on the first.

i hope girls have more self respect than too go out with him.unless ive missed the point completely you dont go out with someone for the sex side of things,thats just a bonus,you do it cos you like them and like bein with them.
There, I can agree with that.

I'd never go out with anyone unless they could actually understand what I was talking about and not dismiss me as crazy or immature, and believe me, I'll never find someone like that. I'd also never go out with someone just for the sex. That's pointless.

not dismiss me as crazy
maybe you shouldnt tell girls you're the *insert your title* of the multiverse?

It really isnt about self-respect, their just like me out to have some fun. Besides I dont go out thinking about having sex, its just how things ends sometimes. But we mostly kissess and stuff when we go out, a little foreplay never hurt anyone.

maybe you shouldnt tell girls you're the *insert your title* of the multiverse?
I never do, lol. That's only on NS.

I never do, lol. That's only on NS.
then why would anyone think you are crazy?

youre still in highschool arent you?

I never do, lol. That's only on NS.

you should,it'd be hilarious to see her reaction

Third date rule: I've always thought of this as a guildeline.
For teens, the third date rule is kissing.
For adults, it might be sex.

However, it doesn't say you're SUPPOSED to kiss. It's just a general guideline that no matter how well it goes, you cannot do those things until the third date.

It seems logical, so that you don't rush it. Sure, you might feel really close to this person and feel that you're close enough to do these things... but as a general rule, nothing happens until the third date.

Of course that means that it may take much more than 3 dates.

Meh .... I've always done it first thing, first date ... get it out of the way. That way, no tension or weirdness during dinner.

well, when i went to the US as a 16-year-old exchange student i didn't last not 2 weeks until i was told about the three-dates-rule by my fellow highschoolers. only that it involved kissing on the first date and sex on the third..but meh. i never perceived it to be a set rule as in "you HAVE to do this-or-hat by this-or-that date" but more of a guideline as to what is regularly accepted.. though i ahve to admit that so far i never kissed on a first date, nor do i think that 3rd dates should always include sex..in fact i feel that if you feel like sex on your 1st date that's just as fine as going on the 15th date and kissing for the first time. meh.

then why would anyone think you are crazy? It either has something to do with my lack of social interaction, my utter ignorance of pop culture, or my ideas concerning the universe and creation which are, admittedly, difficult to understand by most. In fact, I've only met one person who really understands me and who I do not feel defensive around, and that is my 78-year-old grandfather who is dying of cancer.

youre still in highschool arent you?
Yes, I am, and I finish this year too! w00t! *dances around*

Er, sorry about that. I'm going to college soon, I have to learn to be more mature. ;)

Anyway, most of my fellow students just don't understand me at all. I doubt if there's anyone within my age group who does. (I've met a few people who I feel might on NS, though. One of them lives in Texas, one of them somewhere in the northern Midwest, and another one in Britain. No chance of meeting them IRL, it seems.)

It either has something to do with my lack of social interaction, my utter ignorance of pop culture, or my ideas concerning the universe and creation which are, admittedly, difficult to understand by most. In fact, I've only met one person who really understands me and who I do not feel defensive around, and that is my 78-year-old grandfather who is dying of cancer.


Yes, I am, and I finish this year too! w00t! *dances around*

Er, sorry about that. I'm going to college soon, I have to learn to be more mature. ;)

Anyway, most of my fellow students just don't understand me at all. I doubt if there's anyone within my age group who does. (I've met a few people who I feel might on NS, though. One of them lives in Texas, one of them somewhere in the northern Midwest, and another one in Britain. No chance of meeting them IRL, it seems.)

youll find that things are different in college. the enforced shallowness of highschool falls away and people are more free to be their own (insane) selves.

and anyone would celebrate the thought of being released from hell by doing the happy dance.

Er, sorry about that. I'm going to college soon, I have to learn to be more mature. ;)

No way! I'm 18, but I work in a chem. eng. lab that is full of graduate students, and...no...you're no less mature than they. ;-)

Just don't be one of the dumbass college students that thinks that "college = wild parties" is THE college equation. The important one. The only one.

youll find that things are different in college. the enforced shallowness of highschool falls away and people are more free to be their own (insane) selves.

and anyone would celebrate the thought of being released from hell by doing the happy dance.
Lol, I'm glad to know someone else corroborates my belief in the true hells...

(The seven levels are the Christian Hell, the Ladies' Room at any theater, the Men's Room at any theater, the Crowded Bus, New Jersey, New Orleans, and High School.)

No way! I'm 18, but I work in a chem. eng. lab that is full of graduate students, and...no...you're no less mature than they. ;-)

Just don't be one of the dumbass college students that thinks that "college = wild parties" is THE college equation. The important one. The only one.
LOL.... I know some college students can be immature, because after HS I take some classes at a nearby small college... but I thought they were just a minority.

Lol, I'm glad to know someone else corroborates my belief in the true hells...

(The seven levels are the Christian Hell, the Ladies' Room at any theater, the Men's Room at any theater, the Crowded Bus, New Jersey, New Orleans, and High School.)
hahaha thats a good list.

I have noticed it more in the last few years but I think it has probibly been around for a while.

It goes (according to TV and movies) that on the third date you have sex.

Now it may be because I am a Christian who believes in waiting until you are married, but isn't that a little soon in the relationship?

It seems problematic to me, that is to dictate when you sleep with someone by how many dates you have been on, I mean what is a 'date' and what isn't and what if after the third date you don't want to sleep with them, if you follow the third date rule then don't you have to? j/k

What really bothers me about it is the idea that time has anything to do with major life descisions like whether or not to sleep with someone or whether or not to marry someone.
It's like if you have invested a certain amount of time you are "locked in" to what you should do after that.

I don't know how many times I have heard couples tell me when I asked them why they got married "it seemed like the next logical step"

how's this there is no 'next logical step' ?

what do you think?? am I upset over nothing? or is the third date rule ruining everything?


I;m thinking that any kind of rule that says "I must do this as part of my dating sequence of events" is stupid and boring.

A third date rule is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. If it feels right, go for it on the 1st, 3rd, 15th, or whenever.

If I knew this was a steadfast rule and I was some kind of Jerky Frat Boy, I'd just date a bunch of girls 3 times, get laid and break up with them.

Where is the spontaneity in life when you make rules about dating?

Yes, this is maddenly stupid.

Really it isn't...it's all just perspective. I think the 3rd date rule just takes the fun out of dating. Any rule does really. It makes it bland and boring.

People should be upset. Rules like that are ruining the spontaneity of all aspects of life.

Aargh, brain hurts! This rule just puts pressure and expectations on the involved people. What if the guy isnt ready to initiate intimate physical contact and the girl asks herself what is wrong with her? Or she is afraid but bows to societal pressure and goes further than she would have on her own? What a load of crap!
That being said, i have no qualms about having sex on first date, even if i normally do not expect or initiate it. What can i say, i am a good kisser and one thing leads to another. But on the other hand, i think i am mature enough, as well as the women i date, what with being mid-thirties.

Aargh, brain hurts! This rule just puts pressure and expectations on the involved people. What if the guy isnt ready to initiate intimate physical contact and the girl asks herself what is wrong with her? Or she is afraid but bows to societal pressure and goes further than she would have on her own? What a load of crap!
That being said, i have no qualms about having sex on first date, even if i normally do not expect or initiate it. What can i say, i am a good kisser and one thing leads to another. But on the other hand, i think i am mature enough, as well as the women i date, what with being mid-thirties.

I think every aspect of the situation you brought up is valid. How many random factors go into any date, much less the 3rd? Let it roll, whatever will happen will happen in it's own time.

Who in their right minds would need a rule for that???

Personally, I feel the third date rule is just an excuse for shy people to get where they want to. It somehow reduces the uniqueness of a relationship for me and I wouldn't let that rule guide me.

Who in their right minds would need a rule for that???

EXACTLY

I have noticed it more in the last few years but I think it has probibly been around for a while.

It goes (according to TV and movies) that on the third date you have sex.

Now it may be because I am a Christian who believes in waiting until you are married, but isn't that a little soon in the relationship?

It seems problematic to me, that is to dictate when you sleep with someone by how many dates you have been on, I mean what is a 'date' and what isn't and what if after the third date you don't want to sleep with them, if you follow the third date rule then don't you have to? j/k

What really bothers me about it is the idea that time has anything to do with major life descisions like whether or not to sleep with someone or whether or not to marry someone.
It's like if you have invested a certain amount of time you are "locked in" to what you should do after that.

I don't know how many times I have heard couples tell me when I asked them why they got married "it seemed like the next logical step"

how's this there is no 'next logical step' ?

what do you think?? am I upset over nothing? or is the third date rule ruining everything?


It's not a rule. I grew up in the 1970s (my high school years). As soon as I got to college, and from then on, it was sex on the first date. Not a rule, but the general trend. This was my experience and the experience of nearly every man and woman I've personally known. It was unusual to find a man or woman who wouldn't.

You're upset over nothing. Sex isn't the reason that people should get married, no matter how great the sex is.

I married my current wife because we wanted to build a life together - yes, the sex is great - and unconventional - but we wanted a life together. Marriage is so much more than sex that I view sex as a tiny part of the whole.

being from ireland the third date rule doesn't apply so much over here as we're not as big on dating as americans we just kind of let things i guess we're slightly more laid back :p

My girlfriend and I kissed on the third date and things were perfect the way they were. Applying rules to dating is like putting a motor on a toilet: You're not going to get anywhere and it doesn't make sense.

Just have fun with the person your with and enjoy every moment with them.

I might add that my pet theory on why so many people have one night stands and sex on the first date is this:

Since the advent of the Pill, people can have sex without risking pregnancy. Condoms make sex fairly safe in other regards.

So, if a guy is thinking of asking a girl out, and he's got sex on his mind, then he's not going to ask out a girl who won't have sex. Girls, from their perspective, face the prospect of "racing to the bottom" - the girls who have sex will have boyfriends and company on Friday nights. The girls who refuse will be doing something else.

Not that all men do this, or all women, but most of them are in this routine.

BTW, having met a lot of men who cheat on their wives (which I don't approve of - I disapprove of the deceit, not the extramarital sex) - most of them seem to do it because they can't get their wife to have sex at all. Applying my theory, he's still in the mold of not hanging around women who won't have sex, and she thinks she's gotten what she wanted - a marriage no matter how lame - and now she doesn't have to have sex anymore.

3rd date is a little early. I always wait until the 5th or 6th before I initiate sex (8th for anal, 10th for BDSM).

3rd date is a little early. I always wait until the 5th or 6th before I initiate sex (8th for anal, 10th for BDSM).

Can't help wondering what you wold do on the 15th :p

I like the first date rule better!!! Just joking. I don't think the majority of people follow this rule. Don't beleive everything (well the majority) of things you see on television and in the movies. I do believe in sex before marriage. Sex is a very important thing in a relationship. And just like you want to get to know a person, their personality, quirks, views, etc. before you commit to them for life, you want to make sure you are compatible in bed as well. Just remember that the bible was written by men not God and was designed as a moral guide to keep society from going bonkers and dying off, etc. I also feel that people should live together for at least a year before marrying.

HAPPY THANKSIGIVING TO MY FELLOW CITIZENS IN THE GREAT WHITE NORTH :D

I was pointing out that it seems to be generally accepted in TV and movies over the last 5 years or so, which sadly is where many children get their only exposure to social rules.
Your children get their only exposure to social rules from TV and movies? That I find even stranger (and more worrying) than any third date rule! Shouldn't it be your job as a parent to ensure that your children learn about this stuff?

Can't help wondering what you wold do on the 15th :p
I won't go into details, but it does involve a large quantity of whipped cream, several household appliances and a small rubber ducky.

Can't help wondering what you wold do on the 15th :p

Sex in front of the other person's parents (really a 15th/16th date thing as you probably can't do it all in one night).

Your children get their only exposure to social rules from TV and movies? That I find even stranger (and more worrying) than any third date rule! Shouldn't it be your job as a parent to ensure that your children learn about this stuff?
my children? no
I said many children.
My kids hardly watch TV at all.

I spend one day fighting with a computer virus at work and look what happens. 3rd date rule? What about it??

All right, I may be one of the longer-term non-virgins here (and no, I'm not telling my age), so let me toss this point of view: I never go on a date with a guy unless I already know I want to have sex with him, but I almost never have sex on the first date (One time I did, and that relationship lasted 2 years and ended with me saying the words, "Get out of my house!", so make of it what you will. ;))

Physical chemistry is just the first screening level. Then I have to check out his personality, behavior, attitudes, etc., to decide whether he's worth the trouble of letting him into my life (which is where my bed is located). To my mind, this is what dates are for: so the guy can persuade the woman that he's worth the effort. Now, I often have first date jitters, so I'll give the guy the benefit of the doubt, and even if the first date doesn't go perfectly, if he calls again, I'll go out with him at least two more times. But if I don't feel comfortable enough to take him to bed by the third date, then I never will, and I break it off. That's my 3rd date rule. But it does not mean that, if all goes well, sex is guaranteed by the third date. No, no, no. What it means is, if I'm pleased with dates 1 - 3, then I will stick around for the sex, but if not, then I won't waste my time or his.

Could you live with that kind of reasoning? I mean, even if you believe in waiting until marriage, by dating with marriage in mind, you are still looking for someone to have sex with, right?

I think people should get the sex out of the way BEFORE DATING. That way you can make an informed decision. Like when you're at the deli and they let you try some salami before you buy any. Pun intended.

The Perfect World:

Guy: Hi
Girl: Let's shag like rabid wolves
*shagging*
Guy: Was it as good for you as it was for me
Girl: No, fuck off

Everyone wins

What I've noticed in more recent movies is that the climax/big moment of the movie is the romantic kiss, which often comes *after* (days after/weeks after) they've had sex.

So sex is no longer the romantic part, I guess... sounds kinda backwards to me!

I spend one day fighting with a computer virus at work and look what happens. 3rd date rule? What about it??

All right, I may be one of the longer-term non-virgins here (and no, I'm not telling my age), so let me toss this point of view: I never go on a date with a guy unless I already know I want to have sex with him, but I almost never have sex on the first date (One time I did, and that relationship lasted 2 years and ended with me saying the words, "Get out of my house!", so make of it what you will. ;))

Physical chemistry is just the first screening level. Then I have to check out his personality, behavior, attitudes, etc., to decide whether he's worth the trouble of letting him into my life (which is where my bed is located). To my mind, this is what dates are for: so the guy can persuade the woman that he's worth the effort. Now, I often have first date jitters, so I'll give the guy the benefit of the doubt, and even if the first date doesn't go perfectly, if he calls again, I'll go out with him at least two more times. But if I don't feel comfortable enough to take him to bed by the third date, then I never will, and I break it off. That's my 3rd date rule. But it does not mean that, if all goes well, sex is guaranteed by the third date. No, no, no. What it means is, if I'm pleased with dates 1 - 3, then I will stick around for the sex, but if not, then I won't waste my time or his.

Could you live with that kind of reasoning? I mean, even if you believe in waiting until marriage, by dating with marriage in mind, you are still looking for someone to have sex with, right?

I am all for not wasting your time. I don't really know if I was dating to try to find someone to marry so that I could have sex, okay I do know that sex really wasn't the first thing on my mind, but yeah I get your point.

I really think I didn't get my point across very well, I was trying to start a discussion on why people think that they are "supposed" to do things after a certain amount of time. You know like 'well we have been dating for 2 years, the next logical step is to get engaged'

I have actually met women who were engaged and I asked when the wedding date is and they said "oh I am not ready to be married yet"
why are you engaged then?! I have a feeling that after a certain amount of time passes that then they will feel like they have to get married.

What I've noticed in more recent movies is that the climax/big moment of the movie is the romantic kiss, which often comes *after* (days after/weeks after) they've had sex.

So sex is no longer the romantic part, I guess... sounds kinda backwards to me!
yeah. that has been bothering me too.

I am all for not wasting your time. I don't really know if I was dating to try to find someone to marry so that I could have sex, okay I do know that sex really wasn't the first thing on my mind, but yeah I get your point.

I really think I didn't get my point across very well, I was trying to start a discussion on why people think that they are "supposed" to do things after a certain amount of time. You know like 'well we have been dating for 2 years, the next logical step is to get engaged'

I have actually met women who were engaged and I asked when the wedding date is and they said "oh I am not ready to be married yet"
why are you engaged then?! I have a feeling that after a certain amount of time passes that then they will feel like they have to get married.

There are some women I've met who won't even go on the first date, unless the end goal is to reach a long term stable relationship (usually, marriage).

They don't want to waste time dating men who aren't interested in getting married.

I've met the engaged people who aren't ready to get married. Trouble is, not all of them know it.

What I've noticed in more recent movies is that the climax/big moment of the movie is the romantic kiss, which often comes *after* (days after/weeks after) they've had sex.

So sex is no longer the romantic part, I guess... sounds kinda backwards to me!
"Kinda"?!

That's just.... weird, I guess. (Unless the couple met in a house of prostitution...)

There are some women I've met who won't even go on the first date, unless the end goal is to reach a long term stable relationship (usually, marriage).

They don't want to waste time dating men who aren't interested in getting married.

I've met the engaged people who aren't ready to get married. Trouble is, not all of them know it.
yeah. I would go on a first date with just about anyone who asked, just to give them a chance, but hardly ever made it to the second date before I realized they were not worth my time. I never did see the point of dating someone for any length of time at all if you were just really opposed to getting married to them, not that you should marry everyone you date, or that you should go into the relationship hoping for a ring, but if you get through a few dates and you realize that the person is just too annoying to be around, then why waste time dating them? move on please. :)

I do know a lot of married people who aren't ready to be married, and that is sad :(