NationStates Jolt Archive

Ok, so here's how this is going to work...

Everyone has their own opinion on how someone should be doing something in their own life. So, let's have fun with that, shall we?

What you're going to do is, NOT pick on what someone's advice is, but rather give your own.

Here are the game play rules...

In order to give a hypothetical situation, you must answer the question in the post above you, giving your opinion as if you were an advice columnist.

Think of this as peer-to-peer file sharing. In order to get a file, you must share out - very simple, no?

There are no restrictions other than the NS ones and that you must have fun with this! You can be as stupid as you want - there are no embargos on stuipidity here!

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Dear Abby,

Help me! I'm a teenage boy who can't get laid! All my friends have girlfriends and they make fun of me because I'm a pimply geek! I hate it so much! I feel like such a loser. All the girls laugh at me. Help me!

From,
Teenage Reject

Dear teenage reject,
Don't worry about that, you don't have to get laid, there are plenty of other ways to please yourself, and if you really get laughed at so much,... There are plenty of guns available in "the land of the free"
Abby

Dear Abby,
I have a problem with my parents. I am a normal, attention seeking youngster, as most youngsters do, I rebel against everything there is to rebel against, the problem is; my parents are the molotov-chucking kind, so it doesn't really impress them. What should I do?
Lost rebel

The only way to shock and rebel against wild parents is by becoming a complete conformist. Imagine their horror as you express your newfound conservatism by planning a proper english tea party with your friends Muffy and Bitsy.

Dear Abby,
I have a problem with my parents. I am a normal, attention seeking youngster, as most youngsters do, I rebel against everything there is to rebel against, the problem is; my parents are the molotov-chucking kind, so it doesn't really impress them. What should I do?
Lost rebel

Dear Lost Rebel

Sometimes the only way to get the attention of the dominant powerstructure is to burn it down. Therefore, one night while your parents are sleeping, set fire to their bed. Not only will this force them to take notice of your boldness and daring, it will effectively remove the fetters of the oppressive totalitarian parent-state.

Dear Abby:

I am a strapping young male metal head who has discovered a newfound love of ballet. Ever since I went to my sister's dance recital, I have wanted nothing more than to be out there on stage leaping and twirling. If I fulfill my fantasy and begin dance lessons my friends are going to disown me. How can I reconcile my two passions - heavy metal and ballet?

Tu Tu Tony

Dear Abby,

I feel like no one knows me. I'm afraid to open up to people because I don't want to get hurt, but I know that means people aren't sure about where I stand with them. It's just hard for me. I mean, people ask me questions and I just get nervous and clam up. It's not affecting my career yet, but I can't help feeling a lot of people are going to be disappointed in me soon. Help!

Judiciously,
Rob Johnerts

Dear Abby:

I am a strapping young male metal head who has discovered a newfound love of ballet. Ever since I went to my sister's dance recital, I have wanted nothing more than to be out there on stage leaping and twirling. If I fulfill my fantasy and begin dance lessons my friends are going to disown me. How can I reconcile my two passions - heavy metal and ballet?

Tu Tu Tony
Dear Tu Tu Tony,
I'm sure you remember that Simspson's episode where Bart had to take ballet. He became the Masked Dancer. Perhaps you need something of that sort. An alias under which you can embrace your passion, and since ballet doesn't have to be slow, it would be possible to use your preferred music.
Love Abby

Dear Abby,

I feel like no one knows me. I'm afraid to open up to people because I don't want to get hurt, but I know that means people aren't sure about where I stand with them. It's just hard for me. I mean, people ask me questions and I just get nervous and clam up. It's not affecting my career yet, but I can't help feeling a lot of people are going to be disappointed in me soon. Help!

Judiciously,
Rob Johnerts
Dear RJ,
Ok, here's the deal, you need to get laid and fast. It'll help your confidence.

Call 1-800-Get-Date and they'll be happy to hook you up with an award-winning escort, who will help you rediscover your manhoo and thus, help you get over being hurt, because feelings belong to women.
~ Abby

Dear Abby,
I suffer from bipolarity, and it is affecting my ability to be an asshole all the time. This being nice crap isn't cutting it.
From
Malicious Loving Bastard

Dear Abby.

I'm so upset. I just got my boyfriend a job where I work...well, I didn't actually get him the job...anyway, it was going to be great. We were going to work together and, where we work, we have to wear these big long robes so we could play footsie and hold hands all day long and it was going to be great. Then someone advised him to "get laid" and now it's all gone bad. Honestly, Abby, I try to satisfy his needs, but he's ravenous. I mean, I'm not a machine. I have needs, too. Sometimes I just want to cuddle. Anyway, now he wants to have threeways and stuff and I'm going along with it because I think it's good to go along with things and not rock the boat, but he still refuses to open up to me. What should I do?

In Closing,
I Guess I Don't Sout-him Anymore

Dear malicious loving bastard:

I know your depressed and don't want to be nice now. But wait 10 minutes and the euphoria will kick in. Then just ride the mania.

Abby

Dear Sout,

You've just put yourself in a situation that is a mistake waiting to explode by having your boyfriend in the same working environment with you. Basically, you've just thrust yourself and your boyfriend into the kind of Access Hollywood story that would make people think of Fleetwood Mac. But I digress. A relationship is meant to be based on cooperation and trust. For the two of you to have a healthy relationship, you need to be able to communicate your needs and desires and be willing to compromise on some things.

However, sex isn't one of them.

You're going to have to have a serious talk with your man about his sexual proclivities and the two of you are going to have to set boundaries. If you're not willing to allow him to have sex outside your relationship, you need to tell him yesterday if not earlier. You know the old saying "there's plenty of fish in the sea." As it stands now, you've got to lay down your ground rules and if he can't meet them, it's time to start pulling out the bait.

Lovingly,

Abby

Dear Abby,
I suffer from bipolarity, and it is affecting my ability to be an asshole all the time. This being nice crap isn't cutting it.
From
Malicious Loving Bastard

Dear MLB,
you should have your dr adjust your medications. If they are working correctly you shouldn't experience highs and lows that are extreme, you shoudl kinda hang out around the middle, where you can choose to be a jerk any time you want to.

ahh the miracles of modern medicine. :)

Abby.

Dear Freakin' Abby

Dere's too many chicks an homos in my workplace. I mean, sure, we's all gots to wear dese dresses to work, but just cause I wear de damn thing don't make me a homo. One of dem homos just took my promotion. I mean, my boss is only where he is because I put the ungrateful gavone dere and now he stabs me in da back. Plus, he's bringin on another chick. I mean, what da fuck?!? We finally manage to get rid of one of them and he's trying to put in another? Forgeddaboutit! I work hard, Abby, an it pisses me off when all dese chicks and homos try and take my job! So what should I do? Grease em?

Mafiosoistically,
Antonin "The Italian Stallion"

Dear Abby,

Since watching the entire Bond film series three times in a row for a bet, I've decided to become an evil overlord. I mean, you get to have an awesome underground nuclear mansion, dozens of toughs to beat up anyone you don't like, and hot femme fatale assistants. I've got a sort of slight scar under my left eyebrow, so I even have some sort of physical deformity which I understand is mandatory.

My problem is that I don't really know how to get started. I've askee the school careers officer, but she says that becoming a cash desk operative in tesco's has more potential. I also asked about work experience (perhaps with Kim Jong Il or microsoft, I said), but she said that she had no contact numbers for such depraved and evil organisations.

I've turned the garden shed into a nuclear stronghold, but had to repaint it after the neighbours complained. And I've taken elocution lessons in how to deliver deadpan ultimatums to foriegn leaders, and put adverts in the local paper for a bowler hatted oriental bodyguard. However, my only minion so far (the cat) doesn't do anything I tell it to.

And the hamster fighting machines both got lost the first day.

What should I do?

Yours evilly,

Hamsterlord-general Tim

Dear Abby,

Since watching the entire Bond film series three times in a row for a bet, I've decided to become an evil overlord. I mean, you get to have an awesome underground nuclear mansion, dozens of toughs to beat up anyone you don't like, and hot femme fatale assistants. I've got a sort of slight scar under my left eyebrow, so I even have some sort of physical deformity which I understand is mandatory.

My problem is that I don't really know how to get started. I've askee the school careers officer, but she says that becoming a cash desk operative in tesco's has more potential. I also asked about work experience (perhaps with Kim Jong Il or microsoft, I said), but she said that she had no contact numbers for such depraved and evil organisations.

I've turned the garden shed into a nuclear stronghold, but had to repaint it after the neighbours complained. And I've taken elocution lessons in how to deliver deadpan ultimatums to foriegn leaders, and put adverts in the local paper for a bowler hatted oriental bodyguard. However, my only minion so far (the cat) doesn't do anything I tell it to.

And the hamster fighting machines both got lost the first day.

What should I do?

Yours evilly,

Hamsterlord-general TimDear Hamsterlord-General Tim.
Become an Intern at Microsoft. there you can learn Empire building and maintenance as well as how to totally crush and defeat your foes.
Ybba.

Dear Stallion --

Be grateful that you even have a job with that attitude. Show some respect towards your fellow workers, and maybe you'll get a promotion that you so desire.

Abby

Dear Abby,
I'm a geek, I play Role Playing games, Paint minuatures, and am into computer games and anime. I don't drink, do drugs nor do I feel comfortable in party scenes. I have been described as being 'nice' and a 'complete Gentleman' so my question.

what do I need to do to get a serious girlfriend.

thanks,
Getting Desperate.

Dear Freakin' Abby

Dere's too many chicks an homos in my workplace. I mean, sure, we's all gots to wear dese dresses to work, but just cause I wear de damn thing don't make me a homo. One of dem homos just took my promotion. I mean, my boss is only where he is because I put the ungrateful gavone dere and now he stabs me in da back. Plus, he's bringin on another chick. I mean, what da fuck?!? We finally manage to get rid of one of them and he's trying to put in another? Forgeddaboutit! I work hard, Abby, an it pisses me off when all dese chicks and homos try and take my job! So what should I do? Grease em?

Mafiosoistically,
Antonin "The Italian Stallion"

Dear Pony Boy,

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. If you don't want to join them, just beat it. And I'm not talking about your meat.

Aggressively yours,

Abby

Dear Abby,
I'm a geek, I play Role Playing games, Paint minuatures, and am into computer games and anime. I don't drink, do drugs nor do I feel comfortable in party scenes. I have been described as being 'nice' and a 'complete Gentleman' so my question.

what do I need to do to get a serious girlfriend.

thanks,
Getting Desperate.
Dear Desperate,

You could always inflate one.

Softly yours,

Abby

Dear Abby,

Abby, I want out. Dear God do I want out. My job is terrible and I've turned in my resignation, but no matter how hard I try to get out, THEY KEEP DRAGGING ME BACK IN. I've done my part, Abby, I've blazed my trails. But they won't let me go. It's a terrible boys club, Abby, and the only other woman there is so very cold. I just want to spend more time with my husband. But no, instead I have to put up with the none-too-discrete homosexual affair between two of my coworkers, that damn Italian slapping my ass all day and calling me a "chick" and another coworker trying to get me to go into his office for a can of Coke. That last one may sound innocent, Abby, but I swear to God if he offers me another Coke and I end up flossing with pubic hair again I'm going to go postal. How can I get out, Abby? I'm at my wit's end.

Very properly,
Sandra DoomsDay

Dear Abby,

Abby, I want out. Dear God do I want out. My job is terrible and I've turned in my resignation, but no matter how hard I try to get out, THEY KEEP DRAGGING ME BACK IN. I've done my part, Abby, I've blazed my trails. But they won't let me go. It's a terrible boys club, Abby, and the only other woman there is so very cold. I just want to spend more time with my husband. But no, instead I have to put up with the none-too-discrete homosexual affair between two of my coworkers, that damn Italian slapping my ass all day and calling me a "chick" and another coworker trying to get me to go into his office for a can of Coke. That last one may sound innocent, Abby, but I swear to God if he offers me another Coke and I end up flossing with pubic hair again I'm going to go postal. How can I get out, Abby? I'm at my wit's end.

Very properly,
Sandra DoomsDay

Dear Sandra,
The only thing to do is to get yourself fired.the simple way to do this is to stop working completely,start taking every other day off,on the days you do come in dress in whatever manner would be the most innappropriate and annoying to your colleagues.Perhaps telling your boss that you're having an affair with his/her significant other would help.In fact say that to all the people who work there.

Yours
Satan......I mean Abby

Dear Abby

They say she's the same but she isn't the same.
They say she's the same but she isn't the same.
They say she's the same but she isn't the same.
I don't wanna do it again Abby, not again.
Help?

-Talking Walls

Dear Abby,
Recently I have been having some very strange day dreams.Long story short I've been fantasising about killing you.Is there anything you can do to help me?Maybe I could come over to your house and we could talk about it,if you'll just give me your address........
Yours pschotically,
Homicidal

Dear Abby

They say she's the same but she isn't the same.
They say she's the same but she isn't the same.
They say she's the same but she isn't the same.
I don't wanna do it again Abby, not again.
Help?

-Talking Walls
Dear TW
Don't do it again, then. Unless she forces you too, then just lie back and think of England. Even if you're not English.
Always yours
Abby.

Dear Abby,

I work with an utter, utter bitch. The woman is practically the definition of a WASP and SHE thinks I'M cold?!? I mean, she handed in her resignation, but said, "Oh, but I won't leave so long as you need me," then she complains that she can't leave?!? What kind of a fucked up martyr complex is that?!? It just makes me sick. She expects everyone to kiss her ass because she was the first woman to work here and feel sorry for her because "The Italian Stallion" keeps slapping her ass even though she giggles when he does it and wears her robes at least three inches higher than anyone else, the dirty whore. She's got no principles, swinging any which way the wind blows! Plus, everyone thinks that she's the pretty one! They all think that she's the Mary and I'm the Rhoda. I'm not, Abby! I'M THE MARY! I was a member of the twirling squad in high school. How popular is that?!?!?!?!? What should I do, Abby? I mean, she says she's going to quit but she just keeps hanging around like a bad case of herpes.

I dissent,
Ruthie