NationStates Jolt Archive

I'm writing this article for the school newspaper and it concerns the Young Democrats and the Young Republicans clubs. Besides being poorly written, boring, and too short, what do you think?
In only one year the 2006 Senatorial and Gubernatorial Elections will be held. However, some ------ students are already planning ahead. The Young Democrats and the Young Republicans clubs are two school-wide organizations who are ready to become active in local politics.
The Young Democrats Club, which was founded last year by senior -------, in order to encourage like-minded students to and to voice their opinions. The club currently has twelve members ranging from freshmen to seniors. Originally the club was founded to serve as a catalyst of support for the Democratic Party during the election.Mr. ----- was the club sponsor last year and is again sponsoring it this year.
"I'm happy to be the sponsor, especially since the idea came from the students. I'm personally involved in politics and am impressed about the degree to which the students are excited about getting involved."
Last year the Young Democrats Club held a bake sale, raised money for tsumai victims in Asia, and many volunteered at various rallies during the 2004 Presidential Election. This year the club plans to have a community service project and even to give support to the Democratic senatorial candidates, U.S. Congressman Harold Ford Jr. and state senator Rosaline Kurita.
This year there is the Young Republicans Club, founded by sophomore ----, was formed to give a voice to those young Republican students who are enthusiastic about the political process and want to be heard. The club's goals are to raise awareness of current political issues and of the Republican Party. One idea that was discussed was to send care packages to soldiers currently serving in Iraq. ---- also formed the club because she felt her views were not represented.
"I felt as though our side was missing. Last year was my freshman year and I noticed that we had a Young Democrats Club, but no Young Republcians Club. This disturbed me. I believe both sides should be equally represented. In a school with such a large Democratoc population, I thought it would be nice to give the few Republican students a chance to meet and discuss how they feel."
Dr. -------, the club's sponsor, is optimistic about the Young Republicans Club.
"The members seem to be very enthusiastic. I thought that we needed to have room for alternative voices on campus and I was pleased to sponsor it. They are loud and bright and interesting. I look forward to a very good year."
The two clubs plan to have a series of debates on social and economic policies that affect the nation. The students of both the Young Democrats and Young Republicans are serious about the issues and many of them even contribute to the state and local parties. ------ is an intern at the Tennessee Democratic Party Headquarters and ------ particpates frequently in debates around school.
Though the Young Democrats and the Young Republicans are rivals in the political realm, the founders of the club's hold respect for their oppostion.

Its content is good; nicely balanced. I couldn't tell what your own politics are from the content, which is the sort of neutrality I assume school newspapers aim for.

It's reasonable to begin with the Young Democrats because they were started first (yes, there are people petty enough to complain about such things).

You really should run it through Spellcheck, though. Not for your spelling, which is fine, but for typos and such (like "tsumai" instead of "tsunami").

Things Spellcheck might not pick up:

"encourage like-minded students to and to voice" -- to what and to voice?

"during the election.Mr." needs a space before 'Mr'. BTW, the full stop to show that "Mr" is an abbreviation of "Mister" is not all that common in print these days, though I know some people still use in in hand-written copy.

"This year there is the Young Republicans Club ... was formed"; drop either "there is" or "was formed".

"Last year the Young Democrats Club held a bake sale, raised money for tsumai victims in Asia, and many volunteered at various rallies during the 2004 Presidential Election."

This sentence is clunky -- to my ears, anyway. You've got "Young Democrats Club" as the subject of "held" and "raised", then introduced a new subject ("many"). You could avoid this by breaking it into two sentences: "This year the Young Democrats Club held a bake sale and raised money for tsunami victims in Asia" (or did they hold the bake sale to raise money for tsunami victims?). "Many members volunteered ... (etc)."

I wonder about your use of "even" (plans to do X and even to do Y). Are the things they "even" plan to do so unusual they need "even"?

"founders of the club's hold respect for their oppostion" -- no apostrophe. It's "clubs", plural, not "club's", belonging to (one) club. Also see typo in "opposition".

Layout point: It makes it easier to read if you allow a line of white space between paragraphs. However, I know some teachers don't like that, so I guess you go with the flow.

Style point: It's usual to add "he said" or "she said" after the first sentence of direct speech. So: "I felt as though our side was missing. Last year was my freshman year and I noticed ..." would go, "I felt as though our side was missing," she said.

"Last year was my freshman year, and I noticed ..."

Same with all your other direct speech.

But that may not be the house style on your school newspaper, so don't mind me being picky.

The sort of things I've picked on are the things you would probably have found for yourself as you re-read it. I'm trying to be helpful (by saving you the time), not critical. To my mind this is a good, straightforward report, which is what the subject calls for.

It's much better than showing off verbal fireworks where they're not needed.