NationStates Jolt Archive

Deleted: Help is currently being receivec. have a nice day

Very informative and well-organized. Could use some editing here and there, though. On the whole, B+.

Very informative and well-organized. Could use some editing here and there, though. On the whole, B+.

my first B!! thankue kind sir..or madam

my first B!! thankue kind sir..or madam

You're quite welcome, and I'm a sir. :)

So why is this your first B? Are your teachers giving you lower grades because of grammatical, mechanical, and punctuation errors?

You're quite welcome, and I'm a sir. :)

So why is this your first B? Are your teachers giving you lower grades because of grammatical, mechanical, and punctuation errors?

...something like that..i just dont receive much higher than Cs,..most of my GCSE's were Cs apart from one B in Humanities..alas i am dyslexic and so Grammar and Punctuation are not my fortey..however..what mechanical errors do you spy?

woohoo AS level history, im doin almost the same essay at the moment. Yours is good ;)

woohoo AS level history, im doin almost the same essay at the moment. Yours is good ;)

steal that and i track you down with dogs! :p no i dont mean it...are you doing the whigs and libs as well?

yeah but we seem to be goin through the syllabus slower than you, i have that essay next. At the min im comparin Mussolini and D'Annunzio :)

...something like that..i just dont receive much higher than Cs,..most of my GCSE's were Cs apart from one B in Humanities..alas i am dyslexic and so Grammar and Punctuation are not my fortey..however..what mechanical errors do you spy?

Ah. I'm not surprised that a dyslexic person would make lots of errors.

As far as mechanics go, capitalization seems to be a common problem. I've bolded all the words that have either been capitalized when they should not have been or have not been capitalized but should have been.

Unless there are different rules about capitalization in your locale, these are accurate comments.

On the 27th of October, the Black-Shirts formed in to position outside Rome, ready to take her by force if necessary. At 2am in the morning, the king finally agrees with Facta and the two meet so that the king can sign the Forms needed for Facta to gain control over the army. King Victor Emmanuel the II refused and an old prime minister (then fascists) advised the king to Make Mussolini Prime minister.
On the 30th of October 1922 Mussolini Arrives in Rome by train and is instated as the Prime minister of Italy.

I'm doing factors for and against the unification of Italy in the 1840s and my teacher said we were ahead.

Awww at A2 (and AS for that matter) we're stuck with the Rise of the Nazis, and Britain in the 19th Century, basically what we've done all through GCSE. I want a change :(

Ah. I'm not surprised that a dyslexic person would make lots of errors.

As far as mechanics go, capitalization seems to be a common problem. I've bolded all the words that have either been capitalized when they should not have been or have not been capitalized but should have been.

Unless there are different rules about capitalization in your locale, these are accurate comments.


Thankue for your help. I shall emend to this imediatly. :)

What grade level is this? I'd make suggestions to improve it, but it would help if I knew whether it was high-school level, university level, etc.

Awww at A2 (and AS for that matter) we're stuck with the Rise of the Nazis, and Britain in the 19th Century, basically what we've done all through GCSE. I want a change :(

I envy you. I got a B in Humanities :D It would be simple to just do the same thing again. But my specialisation is Europan Empires, Modern conflicts And the ancient Kingdoms of Greece

Thankue for your help. I shall emend to this imediatly. :)

I can do a more thorough edit if you want.

Good overview, could really use a run through the spellchecker (but you knew that :)), and one or two phrases that could be pruned (Jolly Good?).

Pretty Good.

What grade level is this? I'd make suggestions to improve it, but it would help if I knew whether it was high-school level, university level, etc.

6th form...A level

Good overview, could really use a run through the spellchecker (but you knew that :)), and one or two phrases that could be pruned (Jolly Good?).

Pretty Good.

ah..good point..thankue tally ho

our teacher had us working on the origins of the first world war for two weeks before we even started on Italy. puts it into perspective though i suppose.

I can do a more thorough edit if you want.
oh thats quite ok i wouldnt want to put you out. i shall gewt one of my parents to read through and edit it. Thankue for bringing the errors to my atention though :)

6th form...A level

Final year of high school?

If so, it's passable. I'll write an in-depth list of suggestions if you really want to improve it, though.... I study Politics/History at university so i've come to know what they're looking for.

Final year of high school?

If so, it's passable. I'll write an in-depth list of suggestions if you really want to improve it, though.... I study Politics/History at university so i've come to know what they're looking for.

..Im 16 if that helps ..i dont know the Australian education sytem im afraid. However all help is welcome but i dont like to put people out.

I liked it. I didn't agree with all the points, but I'm not doing AS level history, so I can't really offer substantive help (Other than to suggest you might not want to characterize the 19th century as france having Tunisia and britian having egypt and the rest of the world. Perhaps just a general statements about how there was no land left for italy to colonize, and Africa, the last opportunity had already been aportioned amongst the European powers with the sole exception of Abyssinia. Because, truth be told, the imperial situation was far more complicated)

You might also want to fix this.


Before the 20th century Italians had no national identity; they still saw themselves as Venusians [Venetians] or Romans,

Otherwise good job, I found it interesting and thorough.

I liked it. I didn't agree with all the points, but I'm not doing AS level history, so I can't really offer substantive help (Other than to suggest you might not want to characterize the 19th century as france having Tunisia and britian having egypt and the rest of the world. Perhaps just a general statements about how there was no land left for italy to colonize, and Africa, the last opportunity had already been aportioned amongst the European powers with the sole exception of Abyssinia. Because, truth be told, the imperial situation was far more complicated)

You might also want to fix this.



Otherwise good job, I found it interesting and thorough.


well thankue....especiall on correcting me about venice :p me calling them venusians :p

This is what I've edited. Most of the changes were minor, and I'm sure I missed a few mistakes. In some cases I prompted further explanation on an unclear section via my comments in red.

Mussolini’s Rise to Power

Mussolini, IL Duce, was the man who united Italy under Fascism, but what caused his rise to power and why was a there nothing to stand in his way? In this essay these issues will be addressed.

IL Duce

Benito Mussolini was born in Dovia, a small town in the Romagna region of northern Italy on the 29th of July 1883. His mother was a school teacher, and his father was a blacksmith and political thinker. Benito was sent to a Catholic boarding school for how many years?; it is around this time that Benito develops his Socialist ideas. In 1902 Benito passed his final exams and gained a teaching diploma from what university?. He taught for a few months and then travelled to Switzerland, where he did what?. He returned to Italy in 1904 to enter military service. In 1912 he became the Editor of “Avanti” a small political newspaper. In 1915 Italy entered the First World War and Mussolini entered active service. In 1917 Benito was severely wounded by a mortar accident and left the army for Milan-based editorial work. By the end of the Great War, Mussolini was already forming his Fascist ideals, ideals that in 4 years would lead to him from modest roots to become the Prime Minister of Italy.

Unified Italy

Italy as a unified nation is not yet 150 years old; its beginnings lie in visionary leaders and rebellious nationalists, such as King Emmanuel II of Piedmont and Garibaldi. Prior to the 20th century Italians had no national identity; they still saw themselves as Venusians or Romans, and the majority saw no relationship to the powers which governed Italy. They had been given political rights which they did not know how to exercise and they were not accustomed to the ‘nation-state’ which Italy had become in the latter half of the 19th century. Few Italians cast votes, as many felt that it made no difference.


Because of the aforementioned problems and the Austrian occupation of lands (Trentino, Fiume and Triste) that many Italians deemed as being the property of Italy, Nationalist demands were very much unaddressed; the sense of an incomplete Italy was strong, and there was much pressure on the government to achieve the unification oif Italy. Political respect amongst the masses was degraded further when D’Annunzio, the famous poet and nationalist, marched on Fiume. D’Annunzio looked like a hero to the people; he dared do what the government dared not.

Other problems in the political structure which problems?meant that no individual part was strong enough, thus factions and political coalitions were formed and broken at rapid pace, this led obviously to a weak government, and the Italian people yearned for a strong reliable system which was not present at this time.

The Papacy

Because of the youth of the kingdom of Italy the masses distrusted the monarchy. The Pope also denounced the new state, and declared that if Italians took part in it, it would be a sin. The Papacy’s main problem with the new political system of Italy was its own loss of land and power; the Papal States had been claimed by the government - in 1873 the Italian government had confiscated and redistributed £20 million worth of land that was owned by the Vatican. In 1874 the Pope retaliated by banning Catholics from taking part in politics. Tensions between the state of Italy and the Roman Catholic Church increased.

This is what I've edited. Most of the changes were minor, and I'm sure I missed a few mistakes. In some cases I prompted further explanation on an unclear section via my comments in red.

i shall remedy those problems. thankue :)

You lacked a proper introduction, and the headings for each paragraph aren't the best idea.

The title of the essay could do with being reworded as well.

The final line of the conclusion doesn't really make sense either.

IIRC i got 84 out of 90 in the "Mussolini" AS History module I took.

You lacked a proper introduction, and the headings for each paragraph aren't the best idea.

The title of the essay could do with being reworded as well.

The final line of the conclusion doesn't really make sense either.

IIRC i got 84 out of 90 in the "Mussolini" AS History module I took.


whoopdy frikin doo

Your accuracy in history is pretty good...Grammar..double check it......didn't know some of these tings, which is good, for I am like a history wiz person who wants to be a history teacher....If this is for history I would give it.....oh... 90%, or A- for good work, time spent, good research, good history, and a little bit of grammar and such is wrong, but overall, great job!

Your accuracy in history is pretty good...Grammar..double check it......didn't know some of these tings, which is good, for I am like a history wiz person who wants to be a history teacher....If this is for history I would give it.....oh... 90%, or A- for good work, time spent, good research, good history, and a little bit of grammar and such is wrong, but overall, great job!

Thankue. Althouhg my Grammar checker picked nothing wrong i shall endevor to amend this

whoopdy frikin doo
You asked for constructive criticism, and I gave it. What's your problem?

You lacked a proper introduction, and the headings for each paragraph aren't the best idea.

I was wondering about those also, but I wasn't going to comment on them because I was not sure whether or not that format was conventional across the pond.

woohoo AS level history, im doin almost the same essay at the moment. Yours is good ;)

AS Level History sucks. Well, it does if you're doing Bismarck and the Personal reign of Charles I(two different teachers, one for each)

..Im 16 if that helps ..i dont know the Australian education sytem im afraid. However all help is welcome but i dont like to put people out.

Oh, i'm in the process of going through it and making suggestions (NS wouldn't let me post a moment ago) I hope you don't see me as being overly critical, then!

You asked for constructive criticism, and I gave it. What's your problem?


constructive critisism...CONSTRUCTIVE not slander

constructive critisism...CONSTRUCTIVE not slander
What the fuck?

You ask for help, I point out three things that could do with being addressed, and you accuse me for slander?

What kind of parallel universe are you living in?

What the fuck?

You ask for help, I point out three things that could do with being addressed, and you accuse me for slander?

What kind of parallel universe are you living in?

the one in my mind!

the one in my mind!
So where did I slander you?

So where did I slander you?

...somewhare!

Okay, here we go...

Firstly, lose the subtitles. They (teachers) hate that. The way it is now, it reads more like a report than an essay. They like essays to flow. The factual information within is solid…

…but another problem, where is your argument? Essays must have an argument that responds to a question or statement. I’m assuming yours is something like “What caused the rise of fascism in Italy?” You need an introductory paragraph, to state your argument in there. Something like… “Mussolini’s rise of power was due to several factors, amongst them a wide income disparity between the north and south of the nation, appeals to restore the honour of a nation that had been shamed by military defeats in Abyssinia, and fear of the spread of Marxist Communism. Of course, a more in depth analysis of these issues is required.” They’ll like something like that (don’t use my words, of course, make up your own) – they like to know what you are arguing immediately. The way it seems now, you open up your argument in the conclusion, and it seems hasty:

“In conclusion, Mussolini’s rise to power can be a result of many things one of which is the Italian liberal party not being able to gain the vote of the masses as oppose to their political and media savvy opposition. Another factor is the huge amount of Crises that Italy had endured the Great War, the Versailles treaty, Economical instability, the spectre of Bolshevism, the Influenza pandemic, and the post war depression along with the complete lack of public faith in the political system and a lack of national identity.
Il Duce’s Rise to power was a combination of favourable conditions and his own dynamism. I agree that Popular Dissatisfaction is a main factor in Mussolini’s Rise to power”

Of course popular dissatisfaction is one of the main factors, if not *the* main factor in his rise to power. But you need to justify that with evidence...which you did, you just need to clarify that within the body of the essay itself. It's also important to look at *why* the people looked to Mussolini over the alternatives.

Something like…

“Italy had long had a north-south economic divide; the poor south and rich north. This factor, combined with Italy’s complete lack natural resources, led to its poor economic stability. Italy’s industry was non essential; everything it produced would be useless in an economic crisis, and its products were only wanted by tourists and the rich. Anything important was imported. If Italy was to make a name for itself amongst the European Empires then it needed industrial and economic change. 58% of Italians depended on agriculture whilst only 23% depended on Industry. In the north hydro-electric dams were being used at the beginning of the 20th century.”

…is good factually, but why did the need for change make people look specifically towards Mussolini rather than say, the Communists or the democratic opposition? The points that you make in the conclusion are all correct, you just need to reinforce them during the body of the essay. If you added a line to the end of that last paragraph such as “This aided Mussolini, as he held promise for opening up the underdeveloped South to the industrial development that the north had been experiencing.” That’s all you need, just a sentence to justify each point you’re making.
Just a few more minor things that aren’t really important at your level, but i’ll mention them anyway, as it can’t hurt.

You might want to add in some quotes from other historians or commentators on the topic, and argue either against them “Tom Roberts believes that Mussolini’s rise in power was primarily due to rapidly rising cheese costs, but this viewpoint overlooks the fact that there were far more severe problems at the time that can be directly related to it, such as an alien invasion” (silly, but you get the idea), or use them to support your arguments “The alien invasion made people look to Mussolini as a protector. This is a viewpoint supported by Bob Thomson, in his 1993 work ‘On Mussolini and Little Green Men’.” (I’m guessing you haven’t been taught how to footnote sources, but if you do, even better) They love that; at your level, it’ll be eyebrow-raising without being cheating. If you show that you’ve read up on the issue independently of the materials given you in class, that will impress them. A lot. At university, it’s necessary to even pass an essay, so you might as well take advantage of it now. ;) If you have a relative in university, ask if they can help you look up some online databases for easy access to work by historians. Otherwise, the local library should be sufficient.

Even statements like “Many modern Historians believe that if this battle had been waged by France or Britain then it would not have been a defeat.” Could use a hand from this. Historians such as? Name them! It won’t hurt, and makes your argument look stronger. (Though personally, I’d edit that part too…maybe add a bit to the end of it so it looks like “Many modern Historians believe that if this battle had been waged by France or Britain then it would not have been a defeat, which serves as further illustration of how far Italy was behind the other nations of West Europe.”

Colloquialisms such as “Mussolini was not over keen on the idea” are probably not a good idea. A very minor point, but it sounds better and more academic if you use something like “Mussolini was not at all interested in this idea”. The more professional your essay sounds, the better.

Another thing…are they looking for biographical information as a requirement for the essay? In my experience, it is usually discouraged, as it does nothing but fill space and doesn’t answer the question – it’s information the teacher already knows. (It’s A-OK if your teacher is looking for it, though!)

The only other thing is grammar, but that's a minor issue, really. Just get an adult or friend to help you clarify it a bit. Most people do that. If the average person can understand it easily and follow your argument, it's already a sign of a decent essay. Just remember to let them know that criticism is alright. :)

Sorry if I seem to be over critical. Your factual information is good, and you definitely have the potential to blitz this subject…all it takes is learning how to write an essay, something I didn’t begin to pick up until halfway through my last year of high school, and I wish I’d learnt it sooner than that. Once you have that down pat, you’re laughing all the way through your last years of high school, and hopefully university...and don't forget, the more you write, the better you get. :D

Hope it helped!

Hope it helped!


thanks mate your the best :D

thanks mate your the best :D

You're quite welcome. :)

Here you go, the first two pages. I was going to check them all, but I’m too lazy. Keep in mind, the corrections made are for grammatical errors and simple spelling errors, and the spelling has been corrected to fit U.S. standard English, so there may be some minor disagreements. I’m not checking any of your facts, as I assume that you have researched this topic well enough not to have too much misinformation present.

Mussolini’s Rise to Power

Mussolini, Il Duce is known by many as the man who united Italy under Fascism. However, fewer are the people that can answer the question, “How did he come to power, and why was a there nothing to stand in his way?”

Il Duce

Benito Mussolini was born in Dovia, a small town in the Romagna region of northern Italy, on the 29th of July, 1883. His mother was a school teacher and his father was a blacksmith and political thinker.
Benito was sent to a Catholic boarding school, from which he received a teaching diploma in 1902, and at which he began to develop his socialist ideas. He taught for a few months and then traveled to Switzerland.
He returned to Italy in 1904 to do military service. In 1912 he became the editor of Avanti, a small political newspaper. In 1915, Italy entered the First World War and Mussolini entered active service. Two years into the war, Benito was severely wounded by a mortar accident, and left the army for Milan-based editorial work. By the end of the Great War, Mussolini was already forming his fascist ideals -- ideals that XXXin 4 yearsXXX would lead XXXtoXXX him from modest roots to becoming the Prime Minister of Italy.

A Unified Italy

Italy as a unified nation is yet to reach its sesquicentennial; its beginnings lie in visionary leaders and rebellious nationalists, such as King Emmanuel II of Piedmont and Garibaldi. Before the 20th century, Italians had no national identity; they still saw themselves as ??Venetians?? or Romans, and the majority saw no relationship to the powers which governed Italy. ***Either this is unclear, or I am retarded. The latter is quite possible. They had been given political rights which they did not know how to exercise, and they were not accustomed to the ‘nation-state’ that Italy had become in the latter half of the 19th century. Few Italians exercised their right to vote, as many felt it made no difference.
As a result of this, and of the Austrian occupation of places XXX(Trentino, Fiume and Triste)XXX that many Italians deemed theirs -- e.g. Trentino, Fiume, and Triste -- nationalists were unsatisfied. The sense of an incomplete Italy was strong, and there was much pressure on the government to achieve this. Political respect among the masses declined further when D’Annunzio, the famous poet and nationalist, marched on Fiume. D’Annunzio looked like a hero to the people; he dared do what the Government dared not do.
Other problems in the political structure meant that no individual part was strong enough, thus factions and political coalitions were formed and dissolved at rapid pace, which led XXXobviouslyXXX to a weak government, and the Italian people yearned for the strong, reliable system that was not present at this time.

The Papacy

Because of the youth of the kingdom of Italy the masses distrusted the monarchy. ***Again, unclear, but again, I could be retarded.*** The Pope also denounced the new state, and declared that if Italians took part in it, it would be a sin. The Papacy’s main problem with the new political system of Italy was its own loss of land and power; the Papal ??states?? ***I could be wrong here.*** had been claimed by the government. In 1873, the Italian government had confiscated and redistributed £20 million worth of land that was owned by the Vatican. The following year, the Pope retaliated by banning Catholics from taking part in politics. Tension continued to rise between the state of Italy and the Roman Catholic Church XXXincreasedXXX.

Economy

Italy had long possessed a North-South economic divide; the poor South and rich North. This factor, combined with Italy’s complete lack natural resources, led to a lack of economic stability. Italy’s industry was nonessential; everything it produced would be useless in an economic crisis, and its products were only wanted by tourists and the rich. Anything important was imported. If Italy was to make a name for itself among the European Empires, it would need to see industrial and economic change. 58% of Italians depended on agriculture, whilst only 23% depended on industry. In the North, hydro-electric dams were being used at the beginning of the 20th century.