NationStates Jolt Archive

So I've been dating my bf for two years and I'm not really sure it's going anywhere... there are a number of things and I hate to say it, but the fact that he's been unemployed for over a year and is in horrible debt right now kinda contribute to my doubts about the future. I mean, he keeps saying that he'll get a job and clear his debts, but he doesn't really do anything to move in that direction and there's always a new reason why he doesn't have a job.

In a marriage, I think that the persons involved should be partners, they should both contribute to the household and be a team. I don't want to have to support somebody else financially right off the bat, I want to be able to put any hypothetical kids through school, I want to be able to own a house and I don't know if that's something I would be able to do on my own.

To top it off, he's somewhat jelous and posessive and I don't like it. I'm starting to think that I might deserve better... but I feel shitty saying (or for that matter, thinking) that.

Dump the doofus. If you feel you deserve better, you're probably right. It's certainly better than thinking you deserve less...something I see all too often in one side of a relationship or another.

By the way, are you free for drinks?

lol

Am I a terrible person?

Absolutely not.

You are the pinnacle of all Creation, a singular point of Allah's light in a sea of muck and disease and rage.

Find yourself someone who agrees.

boyfriend/girlfriend isnt a committment. its a trial period where you find out if you are compatible enough to make the committment of marriage. (or where you have fun until you are in a position to be mature/settled enough to consider marriage and then he's first on your list of those to consider marrying)

before you are married, its your duty to yourself and your future children to be SELFISH. you dont cut a man slack, you dont settle for good enough. youre not stuck because you have put 2 years into this relationship.

you are now at a point where your boyfriends flaws are glaringly obvious. where, if it were someone else asking you for advice, you would tell them to move on.

either this relationship is good for you or it isnt. if you dont enjoy it anymore, move on.

I enjoy it sometimes.

If he's making you unhappy on a regular basis, yeah, you should split up with him. After all, you aren't married with kids, so there really is only yourself to think about. Also, look at it this way too, you probably won't end up with him anyway, so all the time you are spending with him is sort of wasted, given that you might be missing on dating someone who actually makes you feel happy, and not miserable.

I'm not saying have a violent break up, but you might be better off as just friends.

well...first off, the fact that you don't think you should go out with him if you're not going to get married is amazing...good job on that. u certainly have the right to expect him to provide for you and any children. haha, that sounds kinda sexist. but it's not. wanting to be able to provide for your children is evidence that you're a good person...as is not wanting to get stuck with a man you want to love, but can't. if i were you, i would break up with him, but stay in contact. if he can get his life together, and keep it that way, then get back together. possesive...he probably worries about losing you because of his financial woes. so you should have a good talk with him about it. but no, you're not a terrible person. you're better than most. i'd certainly say u deserve better....but this could sorta be like a test of how much he loves you...whether or not you're worth the work of getting his life together.

Give the guy an ultimatum. Maybe a month to get a job or it's finished, if that don't get him off his arse and into work, then he obviously doesn't care about you enough. Then send him on his less-than-merry way.

No, you aren't a terrible person. Have you tried telling him all this?

I enjoy it sometimes.
sometimes isnt good enough

men (and women) dont get better. this is the best he will ever treat you. think about that.



this is the best he will ever treat you.



is that really good enough?

well...first off, the fact that you don't think you should go out with him if you're not going to get married is amazing...good job on that.
If I was just dating for the sake of having a good time, then it wouldn't last 2 years. Since it's gone on this long, I should start looking forward and planning it out. If I do end this relationship, then I probably won't try for a serious relationship for some time.

u certainly have the right to expect him to provide for you and any children. haha, that sounds kinda sexist. but it's not. wanting to be able to provide for your children is evidence that you're a good person...as is not wanting to get stuck with a man you want to love, but can't. if i were you, i would break up with him, but stay in contact. if he can get his life together, and keep it that way, then get back together. possesive...he probably worries about losing you because of his financial woes. so you should have a good talk with him about it. but no, you're not a terrible person. you're better than most. i'd certainly say u deserve better....but this could sorta be like a test of how much he loves you...whether or not you're worth the work of getting his life together.
It's not that I want a provider, I just don't want to have to provide for another adult as well as hypothetical children.
He was also posessive before he lost his job.

*sigh*

No, you aren't a terrible person. Have you tried telling him all this?
I haven't told him about the financial concerns... I don't like to nag him and he's got his own concerns about that.

I have discussed the rest with him.

this is the best he will ever treat you.



is that really good enough?
I don't know. Sometimes he treats me just fine and it's like there aren't any problems and everything is great, but a lot of the time it's not great at all. Usually after he's been a big jerk he suddenly has a change of heart (about the same time I've resolved that I've had enough) and then I'm always confused.

I haven't told him about the financial concerns... I don't like to nag him and he's got his own concerns about that.

I have discussed the rest with him.

Well...fair enough. If he still refuses to listen...take a couple of days break from him. If he doesn't get the message then, something's up.

So I've been dating my bf for two years and I'm not really sure it's going anywhere... there are a number of things and I hate to say it, but the fact that he's been unemployed for over a year and is in horrible debt right now kinda contribute to my doubts about the future. I mean, he keeps saying that he'll get a job and clear his debts, but he doesn't really do anything to move in that direction and there's always a new reason why he doesn't have a job.

In a marriage, I think that the persons involved should be partners, they should both contribute to the household and be a team. I don't want to have to support somebody else financially right off the bat, I want to be able to put any hypothetical kids through school, I want to be able to own a house and I don't know if that's something I would be able to do on my own.

To top it off, he's somewhat jelous and posessive and I don't like it. I'm starting to think that I might deserve better... but I feel shitty saying (or for that matter, thinking) that.


You have a right to dump him. I hate to but it bluntly but the best way would be that. Just tell him sooner so you don't have to sutter on the classic question "How long have you been thinking about this?"

Usually after he's been a big jerk he suddenly has a change of heart (about the same time I've resolved that I've had enough) and then I'm always confused.

I'm wondering when this is going to become "I walked into a door".

Instability after 2 years is not a good sign. There becomes only the rider attached "when he's sober" or whatever.

3 billion men on the planet. Waste not one iota of your precious self attempting to stop the inevitable.

Get rid of him, or at least, give him a period to turn things around, and then decide, you sound like a decent person, and deserve a lot better than what he sounds like.

If I do end this relationship, then I probably won't try for a serious relationship for some time.


You say that like it's a bad thing.

I didn't find the girl I eventually married UNTIL I had been single for 6 months... after deciding not to worry about 'serious relationships' any more.

There is something about our modern Western cultures that somehow makes us feel like we should be out there LOOKING for the perfect person to marry and live with forever. Maybe it pays to be a bit more pragmatic about it, and let things just 'happen'.

It doesn't sound like you are seeing much of a future in your current relationship. You have to face the facts that you are not being trusted (possessiveness is insecurity - just not explicit), and that you are basically being used. I find it hard to believe anyone can be unemployed for a year, without a very good reason.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

I didn't find the girl I eventually married UNTIL I had been single for 6 months... after deciding not to worry about 'serious relationships' any more.

There is something about our modern Western cultures that somehow makes us feel like we should be out there LOOKING for the perfect person to marry and live with forever. Maybe it pays to be a bit more pragmatic about it, and let things just 'happen'.

It doesn't sound like you are seeing much of a future in your current relationship. You have to face the facts that you are not being trusted (possessiveness is insecurity - just not explicit), and that you are basically being used. I find it hard to believe anyone can be unemployed for a year, without a very good reason.
Met my now gf of 2 years in the same way
Decided to just have fun in collage
6 months later... lol

Dump him,and don't feel bad about it.

You are a horrible person.

But not for this ;)

Met my now gf of 2 years in the same way
Decided to just have fun in collage
6 months later... lol

Indeed... sometimes you need to back-off a bit, to get a decent perspective, perhaps.

Good to see you, my friend. :fluffle:

I'm wondering when this is going to become "I walked into a door".

Instability after 2 years is not a good sign. There becomes only the rider attached "when he's sober" or whatever.

3 billion men on the planet. Waste not one iota of your precious self attempting to stop the inevitable.

Agreed. These repeated "changes of heart" are a put-on job. When people are truly sorry, they change for good.

If he is this bad now then just think how bad it will get when you are married.
I do marriage couseling and believe me people are on thier best behavior when dating, when you get married they have a shift in thinking (she isn't going to leave me now for sure) and they get worse, anything that he does (or doesn't do) that annoys you now will get multiplied when you are married
eg. people who are bad with finances get worse
people who are lazy just get lazier and people who are abusive just get more abusive (not that you said he was abusive just an example)

there is a saying that marriage brings out the worst in people and it is true.

dump him while you have the courage and still have the self esteem to wonder if you deserve better.
;)

Nope, you're not a terrible person.

when someone in a relationship starts asking about the partner... trying to find excuses to break/keep the relationship... why doesnt matter... i always thought that is the end of the realtionship... if you think you dont want him without him having a job, thats just a sign you dont love him


and yes.. you ARE a terrible, evil person ^^
heh j/k

i dont care about you or your boyfriend anyway :p

Here's something I wonder...

Do any of the folks who agree with the sentiment that the bf is basically a loser for not having a job, also argue in favor of welfare service or the notion that unemployment is caused by capitalism and the oppression of the proletariat?

Just curious.

Indeed... sometimes you need to back-off a bit, to get a decent perspective, perhaps.

Good to see you, my friend. :fluffle:
Yeah and I think it did a lot to settle my personality

Seemed less "needy" and let me focus on my teen angst years

All and all allowed me to settle down and get ready for things

Dakini ...

You are much too young and far too smart to settle for less than best. Think about it. :fluffle:

Here's something I wonder...

Do any of the folks who agree with the sentiment that the bf is basically a loser for not having a job, also argue in favor of welfare service or the notion that unemployment is caused by capitalism and the oppression of the proletariat?

Just curious.
Depends if he's actually looking. I was jobless for over a year after 9/11. I now have two jobs because I never stopped looking.

If he is not actively trying his damndest to find a job, yes, he is a loser and part of the lumpenproletariat. The proletariat are productive, he is not.

Here's something I wonder...

Do any of the folks who agree with the sentiment that the bf is basically a loser for not having a job, also argue in favor of welfare service or the notion that unemployment is caused by capitalism and the oppression of the proletariat?

Just curious.
I think he is a looser but I do support welfare

As with most things there are multipul causes for something (namly poverty) some people lack motivation some lack the opertunities some are just unlucky

The trick is to help the people who try but for some reason out of their controll fall short
and in the end our focus should be to help them earn for THEMESELFS

Depends if he's actually looking. I was jobless for over a year after 9/11. I now have two jobs because I never stopped looking.

If he is not actively trying his damndest to find a job, yes, he is a loser and part of the lumpenproletariat. The proletariat are productive, he is not.
Dude! WTF, over? WTF are you, some sort of throwback to the era when there were still such things as "Marxists?"

dump him. he could at least show you he's searching. if he's not even going to interviews, whats the point? i say i'm gonna learn how to use flash and do stuff with it, but i never will. people are like that.

Dude! WTF, over? WTF are you, some sort of throwback to the era when there were still such things as "Marxists?"
I didn't start using the terminology until it was used by Santa Barbara. Welfare? Proletariat? Lumpenproletariat leech off welfare provided from the taxes paid by the proletariat, etc.

When in Rome... :rolleyes:

Maybe it pays to be a bit more pragmatic about it, and let things just 'happen'.

Agreed. I am only 15, but I've already seen some evidence to that. I had my bailed crush of 6th grade, and starting in 7th I was always looking. I managed to eke out two rather pathetic relationships and then found a much deeper one, but when that broke down, even after the mourning period, I totally wasn't looking anymore. I felt free in my singlehood and like, why would I want another relationship? Now I've suddenly started getting to know this guy I've been acquainted with for a while, and he's incredibly like me. If things work out, it'll be the shortest break between relationships I've ever had. When I was looking, I had strained relationships separated by annoyance at my singlehood. When I quit worrying about it, I found someone cool quite quickly and unexpectedly.

Anyway, onto the actual question. It sounds to me like you should break up with this guy. Jealousy and possessiveness are very large warning signs - I haven't run into much myself, but no story I've heard starting with that ends well. Also, my last boyfriend was similarly unmotivated, which is part of why I broke up with him - not because it was affecting us directly, but I just couldn't relate to it and since nothing new ever happened in his life, it seemed a bit pointless. It sounds like you are in general being played, and if you have this many doubts it's probably best to end it now.

[disclaimer: I am only 15]

Here's something I wonder...

Do any of the folks who agree with the sentiment that the bf is basically a loser for not having a job, also argue in favor of welfare service or the notion that unemployment is caused by capitalism and the oppression of the proletariat?

Just curious.

He's not a loser for not having a job... but, I find it hard to believe anyone can be seriously looking for a whole year, and not find anything.

I think he is a looser but I do support welfare

As with most things there are multipul causes for something (namly poverty) some people lack motivation some lack the opertunities some are just unlucky

The trick is to help the people who try but for some reason out of their controll fall short
and in the end our focus should be to help them earn for THEMESELFS

But, there's a difference between poverty and not even trying. I'm trying to make ends meet, but we are still below the nationally recognised poverty line. This other fellow may or may not be below that line, but he hasn't even really looked for work.

Under those circumstances, you don't really have anyone to blame.

You are not a terrible person. He is a totally irresponsible person and you cannot change him. Dump him now and move on with your life. Don't look back and have no regrets.

A few things.

-You're not a terrible person because you're worried about your financial future. When you marry a person, you take on his debt. He might ruin your credit, especially if he won't work to pay back what he owes. Also, he just sounds irresponsible. You're not unreasonable to worry about marrying an irresponsible man. Don't start off your married life in debt.
-Your boyfriend sounds depressed. Was he fired from his last job? That's enough to knock anybody off his or her game, especially if your boyfriend is the perfectionist type. That's no excuse, but his failure to find a new job could just be about depression and disappointment. If you still care about him but ultimately want to leave him, it'd be very kind of you to discuss this with him and offer your help. For example, you could update his resume, find the phone numbers to a few unemployment agencies, or get in touch with friends or colleagues who might know of an available job in his field. He might be too depressed to get motivated. You can help with that, but if he rejects your attempts, you'll just have to surrender.
-He's possessive and jealous. Unless you've given him reason to believe you can't be trusted, there's really no excuse for that. Jealousy is normal, but I presume he takes it to an angry place.

If you ask me, I think you should leave him, but maybe you could offer some employment help just out of the kindness of your heart.

There is something about our modern Western cultures that somehow makes us feel like we should be out there LOOKING for the perfect person to marry and live with forever. Maybe it pays to be a bit more pragmatic about it, and let things just 'happen'.

You are right, just let things happen. I never went "looking" for a serious relationship. I would ask a girl out because I thought she was cute, sexy, or whatever and wanted to enjoy her company. Some of those dates eventually turned into serious relationships and when they broke up, I just moved on.

You are right, just let things happen. I never went "looking" for a serious relationship. I would ask a girl out because I thought she was cute, sexy, or whatever and wanted to enjoy her company. Some of those dates eventually turned into serious relationships and when they broke up, I just moved on.

Indeed. Nobody can compete with the amount of baggage we automatically attach, in terms of expectations, etc. Add to that the demand that the PERFECT partner is something we can just hunt down and bring to bay, and you are setting yourself unrealistic goals.

You'll never achieve them, and you'll run yourself (and your partner(s)) ragged trying.

The best advice is to kick back, take the weight off, and just see what happens in it's own sweet time. And if you CAN'T be happy where you are, move on - because life is too short.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

I didn't find the girl I eventually married UNTIL I had been single for 6 months... after deciding not to worry about 'serious relationships' any more.

There is something about our modern Western cultures that somehow makes us feel like we should be out there LOOKING for the perfect person to marry and live with forever. Maybe it pays to be a bit more pragmatic about it, and let things just 'happen'.
Oh, I know there's nothing wrong with being single. Hell, I really don't think I'd mind getting to date a different guy every day, it seems fun/exciting.

But when I say I won't be looking for a serious relationship for some time, I mean like I'll be avoiding them like the plague for some time.

It doesn't sound like you are seeing much of a future in your current relationship. You have to face the facts that you are not being trusted (possessiveness is insecurity - just not explicit), and that you are basically being used. I find it hard to believe anyone can be unemployed for a year, without a very good reason.
He got injured at his old job, they denied his workman's compensation claim, so the couldn't afford the physio and has been having some health problems...

nah

hey sorry to interupt but does eanyone know where i can lobby to get my membership to the un back i was expelled unjustly

-You're not a terrible person because you're worried about your financial future. When you marry a person, you take on his debt. He might ruin your credit, especially if he won't work to pay back what he owes. Also, he just sounds irresponsible. You're not unreasonable to worry about marrying an irresponsible man. Don't start off your married life in debt.
Yeah, that sort of thing has me worried too. I don't want my credit rating fucked up on account of him.

-Your boyfriend sounds depressed. Was he fired from his last job? That's enough to knock anybody off his or her game, especially if your boyfriend is the perfectionist type. That's no excuse, but his failure to find a new job could just be about depression and disappointment. If you still care about him but ultimately want to leave him, it'd be very kind of you to discuss this with him and offer your help. For example, you could update his resume, find the phone numbers to a few unemployment agencies, or get in touch with friends or colleagues who might know of an available job in his field. He might be too depressed to get motivated. You can help with that, but if he rejects your attempts, you'll just have to surrender.
He is a perfectionist and I think he has been kinda depressed...
He was sorta fired from his old job. He got injured and they didn't offer him a renewal on his contract. I've tried to help him, but there's not much I can really do as I have school and as a result I'm in a different city much of the time.

If you ask me, I think you should leave him, but maybe you could offer some employment help just out of the kindness of your heart.
Well, he's got a good shot at a job, he just has to go in on Monday and he's commited to going there (he's arranged for a ride and everything) I dunno, I'm not sure if part of why I feel bad about this whole thing is that I don't want to be kicking him while he's down, you know?

Yes, you are a terrible person, and your mear existence makes babies and Jesus cry. It is a good thing that we don't have any Baby Jesuses anymore, or they might explode, and then that would make everyone else cry.

In seriousness, I would say that you should stab that man to death with a spoon.

I dunno, I'm not sure if part of why I feel bad about this whole thing is that I don't want to be kicking him while he's down, you know?

And yet, you can't maintain a relationship indefinitely, just so 'nobody gets hurt'...

No, it doesn't sound like you're a "bad" person. Possibly codependant though.

Dump the loser. From just knowing you on an internet forum, I feel you can do FAR better, dear.

EDIT: There's a nice Buddhist libertarian who's single in Florida, BTW. ;)
And he owns a small design business, too. :D

So I've been dating my bf for two years and I'm not really sure it's going anywhere... there are a number of things and I hate to say it, but the fact that he's been unemployed for over a year and is in horrible debt right now kinda contribute to my doubts about the future. I mean, he keeps saying that he'll get a job and clear his debts, but he doesn't really do anything to move in that direction and there's always a new reason why he doesn't have a job.

In a marriage, I think that the persons involved should be partners, they should both contribute to the household and be a team. I don't want to have to support somebody else financially right off the bat, I want to be able to put any hypothetical kids through school, I want to be able to own a house and I don't know if that's something I would be able to do on my own.

To top it off, he's somewhat jelous and posessive and I don't like it. I'm starting to think that I might deserve better... but I feel shitty saying (or for that matter, thinking) that.


Sounds to me like you BF has clinical depression. That is one hell of a burden to endure, for him, and can be even worse for an S.O. as well. The good news is, that can be treated with medication and therapy - provided he does have depression.

On the downside, jealousy and possessiveness have nothing to do with depression - they are signs of profound insecurity. Nothing you ever say or do will ever make him less jealous or possessive, because it is a problem internal to *him*.

Only you can decide if he's worth keeping. A quick way to tell: if he makes you feel good about yourself, then he might be worth helping and keeping; if he doesn't, it may be time to leave.

He's not a loser for not having a job... but, I find it hard to believe anyone can be seriously looking for a whole year, and not find anything.

I was out of work for 11 months one time because I was looking for work in the tech field at a bad time. Yeah, I *could* have gone to McD's and worked drive-through, but when you're doing that kind of BS job, you lose time you could be spent finding a real one. Of course, I was also suffering from suicidal depression at the time, but a year without work is well within the realm of plausability.

Well, the key in my mind is the fact that you said he's not moving in a direction toward getting a job and clearing his debts. If he were out there pounding the pavement and looking for a job, that would be a mitigating factor because it can be damned hard to find a job when you don't have one.

The question I'd have is this: Does he do his part around the house? Does he clean the house, run errands, etc. while you go work in an office? If he does that, at least it's a contribution to the household even if it isn't contributing to your bank account. If he's not unemployed because of anything negative that he's doing, perhaps that can be something you can put up with for the time being.

If he's not even cleaning up after himself, let alone helping out with the kind of chores you'd be sharing if you both worked full time, you're absolutely right to reassess your relationship. It's not an even give or take.

Sounds to me like you BF has clinical depression. That is one hell of a burden to endure, for him, and can be even worse for an S.O. as well. The good news is, that can be treated with medication and therapy - provided he does have depression.
He was on some meds for anxiety stuff... but those made him suicidal, so he went off them. He's uninsured now so he can't really afford therapy.

On the downside, jealousy and possessiveness have nothing to do with depression - they are signs of profound insecurity. Nothing you ever say or do will ever make him less jealous or possessive, because it is a problem internal to *him*.
That's what he's been telling me.

Only you can decide if he's worth keeping. A quick way to tell: if he makes you feel good about yourself, then he might be worth helping and keeping; if he doesn't, it may be time to leave.
That's fair enough.

The question I'd have is this: Does he do his part around the house? Does he clean the house, run errands, etc. while you go work in an office? If he does that, at least it's a contribution to the household even if it isn't contributing to your bank account. If he's not unemployed because of anything negative that he's doing, perhaps that can be something you can put up with for the time being.
I don't work, I'm a student. I worked last year, but that screwed with my studies so I'm not doing it again. Nor do we live together.

He cleans at his house though...

No, it doesn't sound like you're a "bad" person. Possibly codependant though.
I don't think I'm codependent. I looked up a couple of websites and I really don't think I fit the bill. I mean, I fit like 2 out of 8 characteristics and I think those actually have more to do with being stressed almost all the time due to school and the like.

EDIT: There's a nice Buddhist libertarian who's single in Florida, BTW. ;)
And he owns a small design business, too. :D
I'm not so sure how well that would work, given that I'm a university student in Ontario... who is mostly broke.

And yet, you can't maintain a relationship indefinitely, just so 'nobody gets hurt'...
*sigh*

I know.

I don't think I'm codependent. I looked up a couple of websites and I really don't think I fit the bill. I mean, I fit like 2 out of 8 characteristics and I think those actually have more to do with being stressed almost all the time due to school and the like.
That's good. I went through hell years ago because of my own codependancy problems.

I'm not so sure how well that would work, given that I'm a university student in Ontario... who is mostly broke.
:D -- And money doesn't matter to me when finding a partner... if I ever do.
I'm old fashioned and prefer to be the breadwinner. (Don't shoot me down for that, please). Although I don't mind if she makes some dough as well. Whatever to keep her happy).