NationStates Jolt Archive

I am poly amorous; that means I can be in love with and in a relationship with more then one person at a time. I am also a strong believer in 'open relationships'; that is romantic relationships where the people involved are allowed to have sex with people outside the relationship.

A nice way of describing how I feel about this issue is that I have a cultural difference to most of the western world. In 'my' culture I am no more limited by my relationships then I am by my friendships; If I fall for two people I can be with both and hopefully my partners grow to like or even love each other too.

Of course the nasty way of looking at this is that I find monogamy barbaric. To me it seems like a sacrifice people demand to make them feel less insecure in their relationship. If monogamy is freely given then I can see it as a choice that a person can use to prove their loyalty to their partner (a little creepy if you ask me, but whatever floats your boat). However monogamy isn't a freely given choice in most cases, it's a demand that must be met of the relationship is over; so it's not a gift at all.

I think everyone agrees that a relationship is a lot more then simply sex. So if I love someone and I commit to be with and care for my partner, how is my relationship in any way invalidated if we also sleep with other people?

I should also clarify that I think poly or open relationships should only be entered into if everyone involved can consent and communicate about it. But personally I could no longer be happy in a long term relationship with someone who demanded that I never sleep with anyone else, ever, purely to assuage their insecurities.

This is of course only my beliefs, you might think they're wrong, they might never work for you, but it does work for me.

What do you think?

I'm almost in the same mindset, but I'm more than willing to be monogamous (like I am now) if I think the person is worth it (like I do now).

But yeah, open relationships = teh sh1t!

I'm almost in the same mindset, but I'm more than willing to be monogamous (like I am now) if I think the person is worth it (like I do now).

But yeah, open relationships = teh sh1t!How does your partner justify it?

I could be exclusive for a while, but I would eventually have to say:
"Why can't you trust me?"

One thing that really irritates me is when people use "I'm too jealous. Tehehehe!" as an excuse and say it as if it's a good thing. I fail to see jealousy as in any way endearing.

No offense or anything, but how can you honestly even call an open relationship a relationship? It isn't one. Messing around with other people behind your partner's back is not a relationship. This kind of thinking I have just comes from cultural ideas of the West, yes. However, how can one be in an honest, true relationship if one of the people is sleeping with others?

Open "relationships" (oxymoron) is just an excuse for people not to commit. I've been in a committed monogamous relationship for four months now.

The Liberated Ones']How does your partner justify it?

Mostly because she's a Catholic (not very devout, but it plays a moral role sometimes), and that pretty much sets it in stone. Also, it seems, because she's insecure about it. Personally, that doesn't bug me significantly. I can see where you're coming from, though.

And I agree with the jealousy bit.

No offense or anything, but how can you honestly even call an open relationship a relationship? It isn't one. Messing around with other people behind your partner's back is not a relationship. This kind of thinking I have just comes from cultural ideas of the West, yes. However, how can one be in an honest, true relationship if one of the people is sleeping with others?

Open "relationships" (oxymoron) is just an excuse for people not to commit. I've been in a committed monogamous relationship for four months now.

Well, I think it all stems from one's opinion of what sex is. Many people (including my girlfriend and, seemingly, you) see it more as an emotional thing. For others (like me and, apparently, The Liberated Ones), it's really just a physical act that means little or nothing emotionally. Under this different view, it can be justified.

But hey, to each his own.

Edit: And on that note, I'm off to bed. Good night.

Well, I think it all stems from one's opinion of what sex is. Many people (including my girlfriend and, seemingly, you) see it more as an emotional thing. For others (like me and, apparently, The Liberated Ones), it's really just a physical act that means little or nothing emotionally. Under this different view, it can be justified.

But hey, to each his own.

Edit: And on that note, I'm off to bed. Good night.

Yeah we hold the same view. I guess this is a cultural opinion, and a personal opinion. Sex for me is highly personal and very emotional. It took me quite some time to be okay with it with my boyfriend (yeah we are a same-sex couple).

No offense or anything, but how can you honestly even call an open relationship a relationship? It isn't one. Messing around with other people behind your partner's back is not a relationship.

Well... YOU do not consider it a relationship. However, since afaik you are not God or the worlds dictator that doesn't mean others have to agree with that opinion. Maybe some people can only be happy if they cheat on eachother. Odd mindset, but who are we to deny them happyness ?

That said, one can easily think up a relationship where one sleeps with others while the partner is fully aware of it and approves. The man who gets in an accident and is unable to perform while his wife still has needs. A couple that likes to swing, to see if they can learn something to enrich their own sexlife by experimenting with others. People that live together in a group and form one big family - where everyone in principle can sleep with everyone else and all share responsibility for the possible children. Or indeed people that are able to love more than person at the same time. Those last two simply do not have *a* partner (though of course it is possible to have a favourite partner for them)


However, how can one be in an honest, true relationship if one of the people is sleeping with others?

How can you be in an honest true friendship if you are also friends with others ?

Open "relationships" (oxymoron) is just an excuse for people not to commit. I've been in a committed monogamous relationship for four months now.
A polygamous unit as I mentioned above usually is *very* committed. In most other cases you may have a point - but why would commitment be a good thing ?

For reference: I am personally in a stable monogamous relationship.

Okay, let's say I buy your reasoning that having more than one sexual relationship at a time is comparable to having more than one friendship at a time. If I decide to adopt a polyamorous lifestyle, can I be in love with one more than person at a time (assuming all my partners agree)? If so, do you think all of my partners and I should live under the same roof? Do you morally object to multiple romantic relationships simultaneously or do you put that in the same category as multiple sexual relationships?

Thanks.

No offense or anything, but how can you honestly even call an open relationship a relationship? It isn't one. Messing around with other people behind your partner's back is not a relationship. This kind of thinking I have just comes from cultural ideas of the West, yes. However, how can one be in an honest, true relationship if one of the people is sleeping with others?

Open "relationships" (oxymoron) is just an excuse for people not to commit. I've been in a committed monogamous relationship for four months now.


It's not messing about behind someone's back though. In an open, honest polyamorous relationship were neither of the partners are amoral lying jerks, the sleeping around is out in the open. Both the partners (or I should say "all", since there might be more than two in the core group) know what's going on, and more often than not they know and get along with whoever the other partner's sleeping with. A polyamorous relationship isn't one where someone say "Hey I'm polyamorous, I'm gonna play the field", it's one where the partners all think that monogamy isn't really important to the relationship, and that it's no big deal if their partner isn't sleeping with them exclusively because what he or she's physically doing with someone else has no bearing on what the people in the relationship feel for each other.

I hope all your partners share your arrogant, obnoxious attitudes towards monogamy, otherwise you might end up with no partners at all.

You see, if you love someone, and this person only wants you to be with them and no-one else, then that's what you do. No question, no hesitation.

Well... YOU do not consider it a relationship. However, since afaik you are not God or the worlds dictator that doesn't mean others have to agree with that opinion. Maybe some people can only be happy if they cheat on eachother. Odd mindset, but who are we to deny them happyness ?

When the fuck did I say I'm a god or a world dictator? I even said cultural view points impacted my opinion. Sheesh, take it easy and don't insult people like that.

A polygamous unit as I mentioned above usually is *very* committed. In most other cases you may have a point - but why would commitment be a good thing ?

Again for another fact, I do not believe so. This is because of personal and cultural feelings. In my culture, polygamy is not acceptable.

The Liberated Ones']-- Snip --Just two comments.

1) Are you sure it's love as opposed to just Mutual Sexual Attraction? There is a difference there, albeit one to which little attention seems paid by society these days (which is probably why we question its attitude to faithfulness).

2) "Oh Brave New World, that has such people in it..."

Open "relationships" (oxymoron) is just an excuse for people not to commit. I've been in a committed monogamous relationship for four months now.I disagree strongly. I think I can demonstrate some flaws in you reasoning, you obviously think it is possible to have a sexual relationship without commitment so how can you equate sex with commitment? I think the important parts of a relationship are: trust; respect; mutual love; and a commitment to each other’s happiness.

You’ll notice that exclusive sexuality isn’t on the list. I think that you can love and care for someone (in sickness and in health:)) while sleeping with other people on occasion.

As for my experience? I was in a deeply loving and deeply committed open relationship for 5 years.

Yeah we hold the same view. I guess this is a cultural opinion, and a personal opinion. Sex for me is highly personal and very emotional. It took me quite some time to be okay with it with my boyfriend (yeah we are a same-sex couple).Oh I agree. I’m quite a shy person sexually and I could only sleep with someone I liked and trusted a great deal. However just because I was in love with someone, doesn’t also mean I couldn’t find other people attractive, likable and trustworthy.

As I said in my initial post, I can even be in love with more then one person at a time.

I hope all your partners share your arrogant, obnoxious attitudes towards monogamy, otherwise you might end up with no partners at all.You’re right that I’m in for a tough time. This is an uncommon attitude I have.

But I am cheered by the fact that any partner I have who shares my views is with me because they love me, and not simply because they want to sleep with me, also it means that if they find someone else attractive they can happily pursue it with out any worry that they may hurt my feelings.

You see, if you love someone, and this person only wants you to be with them and no-one else, then that's what you do. No question, no hesitation.But how far does that go?

If I deeply love someone, and I’m happy to be with them; then only sleeping with them is actually not too bad a prospect... however what does it say about their faith in me and my feelings that they demand a symbol of my commitment?

What if the theoretical partner asked for me to not see any of my friends any more because they felt it somehow encroached on our relationship? What if they asked that I never disagree with them on any topic because it upset them?

Granted these are extreme examples, but I think only in a matter of degree. I think my love for someone would fade if I thought that they needed sex as _the_ defining aspect of our relationship.

1) Are you sure it's love as opposed to just Mutual Sexual Attraction? There is a difference there, albeit one to which little attention seems paid by society these days (which is probably why we question its attitude to faithfulness).As I said above, I was with my last partner for 5 years and it certainly wasn’t just sex or even just friendship.

2) "Oh Brave New World, that has such people in it..."Why, thank you. I take that as a compliment.




I just had another thought.

I’m sure to a lot of people exclusivity is necessary for commitment and love. However does that apply to all cases of deep emotion?

Does a parent with two children love them less then a parent with only one? Or is having a second child proof that you aren’t really committed to your first child’s welfare?

Many parents say they are much more devoted to their children then to their partners, and yet society accepts that they can feel that emotion towards multiple children.

The Liberated Ones']I just had another thought.

I’m sure to a lot of people exclusivity is necessary for commitment and love. However does that apply to all cases of deep emotion?

Does a parent with two children love them less then a parent with only one? Or is having a second child proof that you aren’t really committed to your first child’s welfare?

Many parents say they are much more devoted to their children then to their partners, and yet society accepts that they can feel that emotion towards multiple children.
It's been my experience, however, that the kind of love and devotion one feels towards one child is much different than anything they'll ever again feel when you bring more children into the mix. I'm pretty certain the same is probably true in the case of polygamous relations.

I just ended a long-term relationship that, for the most part, was one of those "open relationships". I must say, there were several times before we sat down and had the "let's be exclusive" talk that it nearly ruined our relationship. I guess every guy really wants that openness in a relationship, in case something better comes along, but it actually just happened that I was the only one really seeing other people, and then he'd get jealous. Then I'd totally disarm him with a quick "You're the one who wanted an open relationship".

I think that, in the case of open relationships, either both partners have to be completely for it (which is rare) or you should scrap the idea altogether. But hey, maybe I'm biased.

im with simonist, if you can find a few compatible (with you and with each other) sane women and men who are fully into the concept, then go for it. its your life.

i just have my doubts that many such people exist. i think that some people try to fool themselves into it and find that in the end they cant stand the jealousy that it creates. some can be badgered into it. that doesnt work well. the rest are few and far between.

so if you find some, better do whatever it takes to keep them. you may never find another such compatible group again.

• Not enough men/women to go around.
• Bad/unstable for kids if you end up having them.
• Commitment means giving everything and sacrificing to your partner. Sleeping around is the opposite, and is basically saying they're not good enough.